Month: September 2008

Life

The Little Girl Within

Karen

I was told I have a little girl’s heart.

I’m still not quite sure how I feel about that, though I will say I agree with that assessment overall.

I had lunch with my mother yesterday. We went to Schlotzsky’s. I had a Santa Fe sandwich and my mom had the new cheesy bacon sandwich sans the chipotle sauce. We ate and chit-chatted for two hours.

Two emotion-filled hours – at least for me.

And we really didn’t talk about anything deeply emotional, though a few emotional topics were brought up; I just think I’m at a point in my life where I’m taking everything personally. And I’m writing about these events here, on this blog, and people in my life are taking it the wrong way.

It’s not that I’m distorting the facts, per se, but I do tend to exaggerate, or embellish, the events and my thoughts about said events mainly because it’s more interesting to write and read that way. I’ve always been a dramatic person, I suppose that drama plays itself out in my writing, too.

On the one hand, I feel like I should apologize for my entries. But on the other hand, I get ticked off because this is my journal, these are my thoughts and feelings about my life and I shouldn’t have to apologize for that. I’m a fair person, and I try, really hard, to maintain an air of fairness when I write about my life.

I realize I don’t get the facts straight. I realize that my memory sucks and that 9 times out of 10 I don’t remember things correctly. But being accurate is not really what I’m striving for, but rather, I’m more interested in recording my thoughts and feelings about these events. I write these things down for two reasons:

1. It’s a sort of therapy, if you will. I don’t have any close friends, though my husband certainly ranks right up there, he’s a man. And a man can only listen so long before it just becomes too much, you know? I’m not blaming him, that’s just the way he’s programmed. And considering I’m by myself all day long, with no one to talk to, I treat my blog as my outlet – both emotional and creative.

2. I really want my children to understand why I did some of the things I did. Or why I reacted to a certain situation in a specific way. Someday, I really want them to read my journal over and think, “Ah ha! So THAT’S who my mother was.”

And no, they don’t read my journal now. I wouldn’t want them to. Not because of anything I share about them, but because I would be embarrassed to face issues with them right now – it’s all still recent and raw. I need time to adjust, both to situations and within myself.

It seems like I’m taking everything waaaay too seriously nowadays. I’m taking things people say the wrong way; I’m taking it personally. I’d like to say this is something new, that I wasn’t always this way, but I’d be lying. I’ve always been this way, it just seems like recently it’s become a problem – for both me and the people around me.

I can’t really explain WHY I’m so sensitive lately – I just am. I’m finding I’m even taking email correspondence the wrong way – so much so, in fact, that I’ve had to shut my email program down so I could breathe. I’m feeling suffocated, used and stomped on and I don’t like that feeling – at all.

Remember when I lectured MK about knowing where to draw the line when it came to being too nice to people? I think I need to practice what I preach. I LOVE helping people. I LOVE doing things for people, but lately? I feel like I’m being taken advantage of – that I’m working my butt off and not really being compensated. That used to be enough for me, back in the days I volunteered for a few things and had the time and energy to juggle everything. But now? I think I may be taking on more than I can handle. And I’m not charging NEARLY enough for the time I’m putting into these projects.

And that’s getting me down a little bit.

I need a vacation and we’re only in the fifth week of school.

I know things will settle down – it’s always crazy when school starts back up – but this year has been close to insane. I feel like I’m reaching my breaking point now, after four years of this craziness. I don’t want to quit. I will not quit – that’s not who I am. But I need to find a new balance both with my work and within myself (or hire an assistant – hmm … )

My son tells me I’m too sensitive. My husband tells me to relax. My mother tells me I have a little girl’s heart and that I care too much about what people think about me.

And they’re all right. I wonder if it’s all emotional or if there’s something going on with me physically. I will be 43 on my next birthday – am I going through “the change?” Could that account for the fact that I’ve been a walking wound lately?

Who knows. All I know is that little girl inside of me? She’s hugging her teddy bear and crying silent tears.

Life

Do I Have a Sexist Son?

Karen

Why do women get married in white?
So they match the kitchen appliances!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why did the woman cross the road?
Wait, better question, why is she out of the kitchen!?

Why don’t women wear watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.

These are the kinds of jokes GD has been telling lately.

Now, my panties aren’t so far up my crack that I get totally out of shape when he makes these jokes, but after a while?

Enough is enough.

I explain, of course, that these jokes are inappropriate and that women are just as capable as men in nearly every aspect of life (and when I say nearly, I mean they can’t impregnate other women, so again, relax).

And that men are JUST as capable of performing “womanly” duties – stay home, take care of the house, care for the children, cook, sew, etc.

In fact, I’ll be the first to admit that my husband is a WAY better cook than I am.

But I suppose it still irritates me that we still have gender roles to begin with. Since when did it become the mother’s job to take care of the kids? She didn’t have them by herself. The men are just as responsible. Since when did it become the man’s job to make sure the lawns mowed? Women are just as capable of getting out there and mowing the grass (though I don’t – because I’m spoiled. But I COULD. That’s my point. *grin*).

I KNOW GD is joking. I KNOW he doesn’t really think of women like this, that he and his buddies are just having some fun. And he’s trying on the whole “male” persona by trying to act all manly and tough and he’s struggling to find his “role” in humanity as a whole.

And before any of you get bent of out shape, don’t call the kettle black. I’m sure teenage girls are making just as many disparaging remarks about the guys – it’s a double-edged sword after all. Heck, I did it when I was that age. In fact, I still do it when I’m feeling irritated with my husband or my sons (I’m SURROUNDED by testosterone. I can’t breathe sometimes).

And please don’t lecture me about “Well, it starts as a joke and then it becomes an attitude and before you know it, women are right back where we started before the whole women’s movement … ” blahblahblah.

We have to lighten up on this whole thing. Truly. I think it’s important to teach my son the difference between when and where those jokes are “funny” (and I have to admit, some of them are), and when they are not and that in the long run, they really are insulting to women as a whole and how would he feel if someone pushed him into a stereotypical box and treated him as such? (The whole geek/nerd persona – see? Just typing those words and you already have a picture in your mind).

It’s all about empathy, really. Looking at a different perspective, trying on different gender shoes.

So, I treat the jokes as that – jokes. Granted, BAD jokes, but they are simply nothing more than his way of testing my reaction, to see how far he can push the son/mother, male/female boundary.

I’ve nagged lectured patiently explained that women, in general, do not like these kinds of jokes and that if he continues to tell them, or continues to harbor that attitude, he’ll be a very lonely, old man.

And I want grandchildren, dang it.

But I’m truly not worried about the boy; I know, in my gut, he doesn’t really think this way.

He’s just trying to get my attention. Which, in some ways, I think men who make sexist remarks to women are just trying to do. I’m not saying this is a GOOD strategy, in fact, it has quite the opposite effect, quite frankly, but why else would a man even GO down that road nowadays when he knows it’ll A. get him slapped, B. get him sued, or C. both?

In fact, let me go out on the limb just a bit further and say, perhaps men make those snide, sexist remarks in an attempt to regain their masculinity? Because in a lot of ways, I think men have been emasculated and belittled so much over the years, that they truly don’t know HOW to act anymore. If they act like a man, they’re perceived as an asshole. If he acts more sensitive to a woman’s needs, he’s labeled a sissy.

Seriously, how can they win? Where exactly do they fit into this whole gender package?

So, in a way, I can understand why men make sexist jokes. And I’m hoping my understanding, or my willingness to empathize with the men and see how it is on their side of the fence, will translate over into my teaching GD that those sexist jokes? Are really so much more about trying to put women in their place, but perhaps, they are a way for him to find his place in a precarious gender mine field.

The final question is: Do I think I have a sexist son? No. I think I have a young man who’s testing the gender waters and finding they may be just a bit too hot for him to jump into at this point in his life.

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Monday Stuff

My Day Book

Karen

Though I have a lot on my mind, I’m not sure any of it is blog worthy. So instead, I’ll participate in The Simple Woman’s Daybook questions …

Outside my Window… I see mist and fog. It always amazes me when mornings start out like this and then later, it becomes a perfectly beautiful, sunny day. In fact, this could be a metaphor for my mornings in general – I wake up groggy and less than attractive and then, by the time I’ve had my morning coffee, my “mood” burns off and I’m sunny and beautiful.

*pause*

HAHAHAHA. Okay, if you know me, I’m neither sunny nor beautiful, but hey, it sounded good, right? 😀

I am thinking… that I’m actually in pretty good shape, work wise. I spent most of the weekend tweaking the high school website and have cleaned out my pending folder … things are looking good – quiet – but good. Now I have time to work on my professional website and my NaNoWriMo outline.

From the learning rooms… I’m currently reading about the ins and outs of NASCAR. That’s the basis for my NaNoWriMo story and though I know a bit, I don’t REALLY know what goes on behind the scenes. And considering I plan on centering my story around a female race car driver *gulp*, I need to know this stuff. I do know I’m going to base my two lead male characters on Kyle Busch and Carl Edwards – one is moody and dark, the other is friendly and sunny. I’ll let you decide who is who. *wink* (And by the way, for you race fans, can you believe what happened to poor Kyle this weekend?? Wow, talk about a BUMMER).

I am thankful for… our good health. I’ve been sick this past week and am just now feeling like I can rejoin the land of the living. My oldest son brought home a DOOZY of a cold, which he very kindly shared with me and together, we’ve been hacking and blowing our brains out. I’m very thankful that none of us get sick very often.

From the kitchen… For those that know me, you know I’m not exactly THRILLED with any aspect of cooking – I do it simply to feed my guys, that’s all. However, I do plan weekly meals for the simple fact that I have no desire to think about cooking anymore than is absolutely necessary. I do need to make a run up to Harter House today though to buy some hamburger meat (I don’t buy meat from Wal-Mart – gross) and some beef stew chunks. We’re having baked spaghetti today and beef stew tomorrow. I LOVE crockpots – just throw crap in, turn it on and forget about it. My kind of cooking. Me and crockpots? We’re thisclose.

I am wearing… an apple green t-shirt and gray sweat shorts. After my shower? I’ll change the color of my t-shirt and run around in black gym shorts until it’s time to step out into the real world and then I’ll put on some jean shorts. What … you were expecting more? Pfft. I’m at home most of the day – who do I have to impress?

I’m like the world’s cheapest female … I’m tellin’ ya.

I am reading… Catherine Coulter’s Riptide. I haven’t started it yet, actually. I go through reading spurts. I might go for a solid one/two weeks not even cracking a book spine and then suddenly, the urge to read hits and it’s rare to find me doing anything ELSE. Much to my family’s chagrin.

I am hoping… that my husband hasn’t broken his toe. He jammed it, hard, into our treadmill last week and has been hobbling around ever since. The swelling really hasn’t gone down and it still hurts him to walk on it. I think he’s going to the doctor today – I hope it’s just a bad strain and nothing worse. Poor guy.

I am creating… pressure for myself. Various family members have been telling me about people they know who have either written books, or who have published books. I’m not quite sure how to respond to this. Do I take it personally because these people know that I would love to write and publish my own book? Are they challenging me to do the same? Are they rubbing it in my face? (No, I don’t think so, not these people). Or, more likely, am I taking it the wrong way and being too sensitive about it because I know that should be ME they’re talking about?

I have no one to blame for this, except myself.

I am hearing… silence. Well, except for my intestines rumbling, but we won’t talk about that. Even though my family pretty much does their own thing on the weekends, it’s not uncommon to hear various video games, a TV, my husband practicing his guitar or my iPod, er, stereo, thing going. These sounds were punctuated by GD’s persistent cough, the spin cycle of the washing machine and a neighbor’s lawn mower. My weekends are noisy, but in a comfortable way – if that makes sense.

Now? Silence. I hear the hum of the refrigerator, the whir of my computer’s hard drive and the soft buzzing of the ceiling fan. I always appreciate and savor the silence on Mondays – I’m usually sick to death of it by the time Friday rolls around.

Around the house… I am burning an Autumn Leaves Yankee candle (can you smell it? Aaaahhhhh. I burn candles to disguise the fact that I haven’t dusted in months – I know, I’m clever like that. Feel free to steal that idea *wink*) and I need to clean my husband’s bathroom. (Why yes, we do have his and hers bathrooms – you don’t? *grin*). I cleaned my bathroom in record time right before my parents came over on Saturday because I was afraid they would have to use it and be grossed out. That’s the only time I clean house – when someone is coming over. That’s why the husband likes people coming over. *smirk*

Oh, and the bathtub needs some SERIOUS attention today. I think I saw something move in there earlier. It might have just been a mold shadow, though. Ugh, how’s that visual for you.

One of my favorite things… is to have a sweet-smelling home. I love Yankee candles … other than disguising the musty undertones, it just perks me up and makes me happy. Isn’t there some study that says smells can alter your moods? Hence the reason I burn sweet-smelling candles – to butter my husband up right before I tell him about the (new!) Amazon.com amount on the credit card. 🙂

A Few Plans For The Rest Of The Week… Well, other than what I’ve written about above, my goal is to make this week easy on my guys. I’ll take the boys out for our weekly treat either Tuesday or Wednesday, I’ll continue to make website updates, get some writing done, have lunch with my mom Tuesday, have lunch with my man on Wednesday and be a good wife/mom. (It’s a nonhormonal week – that’s doable, actually. *grin*)

Here is a picture thought I am sharing with you…

Sealing the Driveway

This is the husband sealing our driveway. Yes, we have the world’s shortest driveway. And yes, it’s AWESOME in the winter because being asphalt and on the south side of the building, snow and ice melt really fast so we never have to shovel.

I still can’t believe he was out there doing that. Not only was his toe hurting and he was basically standing on one leg to baby the other, he wasn’t feeling that great (I think he was trying to catch what GD and I had). This man’s energy never ceases to amaze me.

Do you see the strip of dead grass next to the driveway? The husband had to put weed killer down because we have these WICKED thick vines that are, for some strange reason, attracted to the asphalt and not only grow toward the driveway, but burrow UNDER the asphalt so that when we pull the suckers out, it also loosens the asphalt. Isn’t that crazy?? So, the husband put weed killer down to draw a line, so to speak. We just paid out the nose to have our driveway replaced, we are not about to let some weird plant thing destroy it.

I’m SO THANKFUL I have a man who’s motivated to do things around the house.

Seriously. Because I’m not.

Book Corner

Pick a Book, Any Book

Karen

Guess what time it is?

It’s time for another Buy A Friend a Book week!

Yep, I’m going to randomly pick a reader out of a hat and send him/her a book of his/her choice from Amazon. No, no, not right now. The first week of October.

Okay wait, instead of explaining it all over again, just click over here and read more about it.

In the meantime, mark your calendars and be sure to come back September 26th and put your name in the comment “pot”. It’s not everyday someone offers to buy you a book for no good reason!

Please help spread the word! Copy the code below and paste it into your blog today!

Banner Code:

Win a FREE book at writefromkaren.com

To include this button (130 pixels wide) in your post or sidebar, copy and paste this code:

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Monday Morning Meme

Monday Morning Meme – September 22nd

Karen

All you have to do is answer the questions below either in the comment section, or on your blog. And elaborate! Make these questions show your unique and special personalities. This meme entry will post at 12:01 every Monday morning and will be the first postentry listed on WFK all day Monday morning. (This is an all-day Monday meme, so please, play all day!)

Monday Morning Meme at writefromkaren.com

September 22nd Questions:

1. What did you do over the weekend? (Saturday and Sunday – be specific, please. Remember, this is a journal about your life, so, tell us about your life. *smile*)

2. Which are scarier to you: ghosts or aliens? Why? Do you believe in either/both? Why or why not?

3. I can’t live without my _________. Now, please tell us why you can’t live without it.

4. What is the cheesiest movie you ever saw, and secretly enjoyed? Why did you enjoy it so much?

Monday Morning Meme Participants

1. Jodi
2. Sue		 3. Miriam
4. annie		 5. Susan
6. Stacy

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