The Little Girl Within

I was told I have a little girl’s heart.

I’m still not quite sure how I feel about that, though I will say I agree with that assessment overall.

I had lunch with my mother yesterday. We went to Schlotzsky’s. I had a Santa Fe sandwich and my mom had the new cheesy bacon sandwich sans the chipotle sauce. We ate and chit-chatted for two hours.

Two emotion-filled hours – at least for me.

And we really didn’t talk about anything deeply emotional, though a few emotional topics were brought up; I just think I’m at a point in my life where I’m taking everything personally. And I’m writing about these events here, on this blog, and people in my life are taking it the wrong way.

It’s not that I’m distorting the facts, per se, but I do tend to exaggerate, or embellish, the events and my thoughts about said events mainly because it’s more interesting to write and read that way. I’ve always been a dramatic person, I suppose that drama plays itself out in my writing, too.

On the one hand, I feel like I should apologize for my entries. But on the other hand, I get ticked off because this is my journal, these are my thoughts and feelings about my life and I shouldn’t have to apologize for that. I’m a fair person, and I try, really hard, to maintain an air of fairness when I write about my life.

I realize I don’t get the facts straight. I realize that my memory sucks and that 9 times out of 10 I don’t remember things correctly. But being accurate is not really what I’m striving for, but rather, I’m more interested in recording my thoughts and feelings about these events. I write these things down for two reasons:

1. It’s a sort of therapy, if you will. I don’t have any close friends, though my husband certainly ranks right up there, he’s a man. And a man can only listen so long before it just becomes too much, you know? I’m not blaming him, that’s just the way he’s programmed. And considering I’m by myself all day long, with no one to talk to, I treat my blog as my outlet – both emotional and creative.

2. I really want my children to understand why I did some of the things I did. Or why I reacted to a certain situation in a specific way. Someday, I really want them to read my journal over and think, “Ah ha! So THAT’S who my mother was.”

And no, they don’t read my journal now. I wouldn’t want them to. Not because of anything I share about them, but because I would be embarrassed to face issues with them right now – it’s all still recent and raw. I need time to adjust, both to situations and within myself.

It seems like I’m taking everything waaaay too seriously nowadays. I’m taking things people say the wrong way; I’m taking it personally. I’d like to say this is something new, that I wasn’t always this way, but I’d be lying. I’ve always been this way, it just seems like recently it’s become a problem – for both me and the people around me.

I can’t really explain WHY I’m so sensitive lately – I just am. I’m finding I’m even taking email correspondence the wrong way – so much so, in fact, that I’ve had to shut my email program down so I could breathe. I’m feeling suffocated, used and stomped on and I don’t like that feeling – at all.

Remember when I lectured MK about knowing where to draw the line when it came to being too nice to people? I think I need to practice what I preach. I LOVE helping people. I LOVE doing things for people, but lately? I feel like I’m being taken advantage of – that I’m working my butt off and not really being compensated. That used to be enough for me, back in the days I volunteered for a few things and had the time and energy to juggle everything. But now? I think I may be taking on more than I can handle. And I’m not charging NEARLY enough for the time I’m putting into these projects.

And that’s getting me down a little bit.

I need a vacation and we’re only in the fifth week of school.

I know things will settle down – it’s always crazy when school starts back up – but this year has been close to insane. I feel like I’m reaching my breaking point now, after four years of this craziness. I don’t want to quit. I will not quit – that’s not who I am. But I need to find a new balance both with my work and within myself (or hire an assistant – hmm … )

My son tells me I’m too sensitive. My husband tells me to relax. My mother tells me I have a little girl’s heart and that I care too much about what people think about me.

And they’re all right. I wonder if it’s all emotional or if there’s something going on with me physically. I will be 43 on my next birthday – am I going through “the change?” Could that account for the fact that I’ve been a walking wound lately?

Who knows. All I know is that little girl inside of me? She’s hugging her teddy bear and crying silent tears.