It’s Like I’m On Speed, Only Not

I’ve been up since 4:50 this morning. I had to get up to make sure Jazz was up – he’s on his way to Pittsburgh Kansas today for a Jazz fest. He asked Kevin and I if we were planning on coming to watch him. Sadly, no. But I didn’t realize just HOW much he had wanted us there until I saw his disappointment.

And that disappointed me.

Sometimes I wonder if my going back to work, right now, was such a great idea. Even though Jazz is a junior in high school, I’m no longer there to taxi him around to places; Dude has been our family taxi lately. He picks Jazz up from school every day, he takes him to get his hair cut, he takes him to the orthodontist … I’m feeling a little guilty that I’m not as flexible as I used to be. I hope Jazz doesn’t feel shorted somehow since I was fully available all throughout Dude’s high school years.

I will make a point of going to EVERY SINGLE band competition and concert next year. It will be his last year to participate in that stuff and I want to savor every last moment. And now that I know that it matters to Jazz if we’re there, I’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen.

I often wonder just how my working is affecting my entire family. They’ve been spoiled, I’VE been spoiled. I’ve always been there. I’ve always been able to drop what I’m doing and take care of them at a moment’s notice.

Now? I’m lucky if I have time to answer their phone calls.

I’m not having second thoughts, per se, I always knew I would go back to work someday. I’m one of those weird people who LIKE to work. It FEELS GOOD to use my brain again and quite honestly, I was bored out of my freaking mind staying home all day. And I felt guilty for not financially contributing to the family. And I’m not really contributing all that much now because I get paid so little. But we have affordable insurance now and I’m at least buying the groceries every month, so there’s that. But still … I wonder if I should have waited until Jazz got out of high school.

I’m just so UNATTAINABLE now and it makes me feel guilty.

This past week has probably been the busiest and most crazy week since I started back in September (I’ve been there nearly SIX MONTHS, PEOPLE!! How did that happen?!?) And that’s saying a lot because I’ve had some doozy weeks so far. I’m really getting tired of not having any energy left over at the end of the day. All I want to do is crawl into bed and watch TV episodes on NetFlix and that’s exactly what I do, every night.

I feel like life is passing me by and though it went by fast before the job, it’s just a blur now and I’m not sure I like that.

I’ve got a long weekend coming up in a few weeks. The entire family is riding Amtrak up to Chicago and spending a few days. I’m REALLY looking forward to that. Not only because of the train trip and a new city, but because I REALLY NEED A LONG WEEKEND. I’m going to try and take more Fridays off. It’s our slow day and even if I have to take it unpaid, it’ll be worth it just to have that extra day to breathe, re-group and have the energy my family deserves.

When I look back on my younger days, back in the days when I had two small boys, worked evenings AND went to school during the day when the boys were at school, I just shake my head. Though I’m half as busy now compared to those days, I feel like I’m busier.

And the stress. This job is high stress. I have a lot of responsibility and the sheer volume of patients I help is mind boggling. This is also the sort of job that if I drop the ball, it affects A LOT of people and could potentially waste the doctor’s time. There is a lot of finger pointing and I’m having to constantly cover my ass, or CYA as the girls drilled into me the first month I started working there. It’s completely exhausting having to constantly think two steps ahead and into tomorrow. And did I mention the stress is taking a physical toll on my body?

And yet. It’s fun. It’s challenging and when things go right, it’s a high. It’s like I’m on speed, only not.

It’s 6:50 a.m. It’s time to get cleaned up and do it all over again.

Thank God it’s Friday.

No. Seriously.

I can only produce so much adrenaline in a week and I’m pretty sure I’ve reached my limit.

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Karen

Hi! My day job is a CMA in neurosurgery.. I'm a mom to two twenty-something sons. I've been married to the same man for 26 years. I have a lot to say about nothing. Lucky you.