March 2, 2012 – Write From Karen

I’ve been up since 4:50 this morning. I had to get up to make sure Jazz was up – he’s on his way to Pittsburgh Kansas today for a Jazz fest. He asked Kevin and I if we were planning on coming to watch him. Sadly, no. But I didn’t realize just HOW much he had wanted us there until I saw his disappointment.

And that disappointed me.

Sometimes I wonder if my going back to work, right now, was such a great idea. Even though Jazz is a junior in high school, I’m no longer there to taxi him around to places; Dude has been our family taxi lately. He picks Jazz up from school every day, he takes him to get his hair cut, he takes him to the orthodontist … I’m feeling a little guilty that I’m not as flexible as I used to be. I hope Jazz doesn’t feel shorted somehow since I was fully available all throughout Dude’s high school years.

I will make a point of going to EVERY SINGLE band competition and concert next year. It will be his last year to participate in that stuff and I want to savor every last moment. And now that I know that it matters to Jazz if we’re there, I’ll move heaven and earth to make it happen.

I often wonder just how my working is affecting my entire family. They’ve been spoiled, I’VE been spoiled. I’ve always been there. I’ve always been able to drop what I’m doing and take care of them at a moment’s notice.

Now? I’m lucky if I have time to answer their phone calls.

I’m not having second thoughts, per se, I always knew I would go back to work someday. I’m one of those weird people who LIKE to work. It FEELS GOOD to use my brain again and quite honestly, I was bored out of my freaking mind staying home all day. And I felt guilty for not financially contributing to the family. And I’m not really contributing all that much now because I get paid so little. But we have affordable insurance now and I’m at least buying the groceries every month, so there’s that. But still … I wonder if I should have waited until Jazz got out of high school.

I’m just so UNATTAINABLE now and it makes me feel guilty.

This past week has probably been the busiest and most crazy week since I started back in September (I’ve been there nearly SIX MONTHS, PEOPLE!! How did that happen?!?) And that’s saying a lot because I’ve had some doozy weeks so far. I’m really getting tired of not having any energy left over at the end of the day. All I want to do is crawl into bed and watch TV episodes on NetFlix and that’s exactly what I do, every night.

I feel like life is passing me by and though it went by fast before the job, it’s just a blur now and I’m not sure I like that.

I’ve got a long weekend coming up in a few weeks. The entire family is riding Amtrak up to Chicago and spending a few days. I’m REALLY looking forward to that. Not only because of the train trip and a new city, but because I REALLY NEED A LONG WEEKEND. I’m going to try and take more Fridays off. It’s our slow day and even if I have to take it unpaid, it’ll be worth it just to have that extra day to breathe, re-group and have the energy my family deserves.

When I look back on my younger days, back in the days when I had two small boys, worked evenings AND went to school during the day when the boys were at school, I just shake my head. Though I’m half as busy now compared to those days, I feel like I’m busier.

And the stress. This job is high stress. I have a lot of responsibility and the sheer volume of patients I help is mind boggling. This is also the sort of job that if I drop the ball, it affects A LOT of people and could potentially waste the doctor’s time. There is a lot of finger pointing and I’m having to constantly cover my ass, or CYA as the girls drilled into me the first month I started working there. It’s completely exhausting having to constantly think two steps ahead and into tomorrow. And did I mention the stress is taking a physical toll on my body?

And yet. It’s fun. It’s challenging and when things go right, it’s a high. It’s like I’m on speed, only not.

It’s 6:50 a.m. It’s time to get cleaned up and do it all over again.

Thank God it’s Friday.

No. Seriously.

I can only produce so much adrenaline in a week and I’m pretty sure I’ve reached my limit.

How freaking cute is this?!

Fleece Hat

This soft and cozy cap is just the gift to give for fighting brisk winter weather.

Materials

Tape measure
1/2 yard fleece fabric
Scissors
Needle and thread
Buttons, appliqués, or felt pieces for decoration
1 yard decorative cord

Instructions

First, determine the size of the hat. (To avoid ruining the surprise, measure the head of someone who is similar in size to the recipient.) Now cut a piece of fleece that´s 16 inches wide and as long as the measurement you took plus 2 inches.

Fold the fleece in half, right side in so the 16-inch edges match up. Sew a 1/2-inch-wide seam along this edge, stopping 5 inches from the bottom. Just below the last stitch, make a 1/2-inch cut in from the side. Turn the material right side out. Now sew a seam along the last 5 inches of unsewn fleece.

Roll the bottom of the hat up two turns, so the cuff conceals the bottom part of the seam. To keep the cuff from unrolling, sew on a decorative button, an appliqué, or a felt cutout.

Finally, gather the top 3 inches of the hat and tie a colorful cord around it.