Dear Grandma:
I’m sorry I wasn’t a better granddaughter.
I deeply regret not making more of an effort to get to know you; I have no one to blame for that but me.
No one.
I take full responsibility for not making the time to come see you, to talk to you, to laugh with you, to make fun of grandpa with you – to this day, I can’t tell you why I was like that. There is no one thing anyone said or did to make me act that way.
Perhaps there is something wrong with me, emotionally. I often wonder about this as I’m affectionate to those I love, but only to a point.
Perhaps I’m afraid to love too much.
Perhaps this is something I need to come to grips with and get over. For can we really love one person too much?
I’m so sorry that the latter part of your life was so difficult. I can’t imagine what your life must have been like as the disease took over your body. I’m sure you were scared, perhaps just a bit angry, and I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to offer support. I think, and please, this is not a justification, but my attempt to understand my behavior, I think that I thought that since you had reached a point where you didn’t recognize those closest to you, why in the world would you recognize me? The absentee granddaughter?
Even when I consciously realized what an ass I was being, I still didn’t make amends. I guess, again, not excusing, I thought that by that time, it was too late. I didn’t want you to think I was just showing up because I wanted something from you. That was I being nice just so you would look favorably on me. I think that thought bothered me SO much that I did the exact opposite, I just never made the effort.
Words can not express how hard this is to write and put on display. It showcases a part of my personality that I am not proud of, and yet, I feel like I should stop trying to pretend it doesn’t exist and address it, for I do not want to grow into an old, bitter woman because of this personality defect.
Though this might have been a better post to keep private, for my eyes only, I wanted to show people that I’m not perfect, that I have made mistakes. By posting this, I hope people learn from my mistakes and take my regrets to heart; please, don’t make the same poor decisions I did when it comes to treating your family.
Family is everything. I know my behavior doesn’t exactly support that declaration, but trust me, I believe it from the bottom of my heart.
There is no excuse to treat family as if they don’t exist. None. I have no excuses, I will not attempt to excuse my behavior away – but I want to be honest because it does little good to try to fool myself, or more importantly, others into thinking I’m this good person, when I’m clearly not.
I have flaws. I have made mistakes. And not keeping you and grandpa in my life, on a continuous basis, is clearly one of the bigger ones.
Rest in peace, grandma. I shall see you when Christ comes for us.
Love,
Karen
(Comments are closed. This is too personal and too emotional to discuss).
Write From Karen 