December 8, 2009 – Write From Karen

I’m trying to talk my mother into having Christmas at our house this year.

She’s being stubborn.

I’m offering to do this, because my mom works like a dog and deserves to be able to take it easy, relax and ENJOY the holidays for a change.

I have the perfect plan – Dude and I will drive over the 24th and pick up the gifts and her AWESOME stockings (she fills them each year with tons of useful / fun things and everyone always looks forward to them every year), and the food so then on Christmas day, all mom and dad have to do is get in their car and come over.

No mess. No stress.

I’m thinking this is a good idea. And now that I’ve put it out on the Internet, MOM, you sort of HAVE to do it.

How do you make someone you love slow down and enjoy the holidays and NOT be the hostess for a change?

Kevin compares pot roast and cooked carrots to candy.

Who even does that?!

Such an odd man. It’s a good thing I LIKE odd or we’d be in a pickle.

We have a winter storm coming through tonight (and thank God we’re on the tip of this storm because I hear it’s been dumping A FOOT OF SNOW on some folks! EEK!) and OMG, my head.

I can always tell when the weather is about to change, my sinuses go nuts and I’m like this all day:

But seriously, go away headache. Or I’ll start whimpering like Robert Gibbs when he’s forced to explain the actions of our idiot government..

OH … PWNED!

I witnessed two accidents yesterday. One was while I was waiting for the boys, the other was while Dude and I were out getting the pot roast that we ate tonight.

I was sitting there, waiting for the boys after school, when I noticed this red car, full of kids and none of them wearing their seat belts, drive erratically through the parking lot that I was waiting in. They do this every day. They parallel park on the road and then use the parking lot to turn around. And like every other student driver, they are goofing off and showing off for their peers.

They were trying to turn left. But there were several cars parked alongside the street, so it was hard to see what was coming in both directions.

They pulled out and though the car coming tried to swerve and miss them, the red car, instead of braking, sped up as if to try and make it and they crashed. Head on. Car parts went everywhere and though I don’t think anyone was hurt, I can’t be sure because like I said, none of the kids (and this includes the kid that they hit) were wearing seat belts.

Dude and I ran across the second accident shortly after it happened. It was another T-bone accident right in the middle of a busy intersection and it looked bad.

Oh, I forgot, the kids and I ran across another accident the day before yesterday. We didn’t see it happen, but it must have happened shortly before we got there because there wasn’t a cop car to be seen and smoke was pouring out the guy’s motor.

What do you want to bet that other than the kid accident, the others were on their cell phones when it happened?

Hang up and drive, people.

Did you hear that Global Warming is a hoax? Is anyone surprised by this information? I’m not.

And did you also hear that the EPA has deemed C02 harmful to humans? And does anyone else find this colossal news, that was released shortly before the climate summit in Copenhagen, incredibly stupid?

The media is a bird feeder, we are the birds and we are gorging ourselves on what they want to feed us.

Seriously. It’s time to wake up.

You must, must, MUST, do this. Your children’s eyes will bug out and they will love you forever.

Click on the picture below and follow directions.

You’re welcome.

You have to admit, this guy’s Christmas decoration is hilarious:

But yeah, after more than one person tried to use the ladder to rescue “the man” and other countless cars drove off the road looking at “the man” in horror, the owner had to take it down.

And yes, these are the kinds of things going through my mind at the moment.

What can I say, I’m a deep thinker.

(Winter Wonderland by Tony Bennett)

This story was also posted at my fiction blog: Fiction Fix.

“I can’t see anything!” sobbed the figure on the floor.

Daniel rolled his eyes and stuck a foot into his sister’s ribs. “You’re not down all the way.”

“Ow!” Shelly hissed and whipped her head around to glare at her brother. “Do that again and I’ll …” she trailed off.

“Right. I’m so scared,” Daniel stage whispered and nodded back toward the door. “Hurry up and look. He’s going to be here any minute!”

Shelly huffed in irritation, but did as her brother commanded. She laid back down on the floor and tried to look through the crack under the doorway. “This stinks!” She flattened her ear more firmly against the floor as she tried again to see into the room.

“Well?” Daniel snapped.

“I still can’t see anything!” she wailed and Daniel shushed her.

“We’re going to get caught and then he won’t come! I swear Shelly, if you scare Santa off, I’m gonna…” he paused. What was he going to do? What could he threaten his sister with that would show her he meant business? His slow smile indicated that something had indeed occurred to him. “If you don’t keep your voice down, I’ll tear the head off your favorite doll.”

Shelly gasped and rolled onto her back, her eyes wide with terror. “You wouldn’t dare!”

“If you scared Santa away? I totally would. Now shut up and take a look or get out of the way.”

The lump in Shelly’s throat could nearly be seen as she swallowed hard. Daniel smirked. His sister was such a sissy. She twisted back around onto her belly and with a wiggle or two, resumed her position.

Daniel impatiently tapped his foot. He mentally counted the seconds along with the grandfather clock located further down the hallway.

One … two … three … four … five … six …

“I still can’t see anything!” Shelly whined and Daniel balled his hands into small fists. He leaned over to get a look at his sister’s face.

“You have to open your eyes, dummy!”

“I still can’t see!”

“Open the other eye!” Daniel fiercely whispered and he grit his teeth in frustration. Girls were so stupid.

He again distracted himself by counting with the soft pings from the grandfather clock.

One … two … three … four … five

He jumped when the clock began to chime out the hour.

Startled, Shelly squealed and scooted herself away from the door.

“It’s midnight!” Daniel croaked out. It was so much of an effort to keep his voice low that he was giving himself a headache. “Get out of the way! Santa will be here any minute!” He used his foot to nudge his sister along the hardwood floor just a little faster.

“I’m moving! Cut it out!”

He barely waited for her to get out of his way before he dropped to his belly and was comfortably positioned before the door leading to the family room. He ignored the pressure on his ear as he concentrated on making himself as flat as his mother’s pancakes.

“I see the tree!” he whispered in excitement.

“Really? Shelly asked, her voice dipping into a pout. “I saw some pretty colors, but I never saw the tree. Are you sure you can see it?” She lowered herself to her hands and knees and leaned over him. “I think you’re lying. I think you can’t see anything.”

“Gross!” he hissed. “You’re breathing on my neck. Get away, you weirdo!” He reached a hand back to swat her away like a pesky fly. He kept his head in the same position and he could indeed see the bottom of the tree.

Unfortunately, there weren’t any presents under it. But he wasn’t worried just yet, it was still early.

“Do you see anything?” Shelly asked, her voice tinged with excitement.

“Not yet.”

Five seconds later …

“What about now?”

“No.”

Five seconds later …

“Now?”

“No.”

“Anything?”

“No.”

“What about now?”

“No!”

Daniel maintained his position but twisted his head around to look at his sister. She was sitting cross-legged near his legs and bouncing with so much energy he was afraid she was going to bruise her butt cheeks. He’d no doubt be blamed for it.

“Sit still!”

“I can’t!” she wailed in a strangled, whispered voice.

“Then go to your room and jump on your bed or something. Santa’s smart. If he feels the vibration from your butt, he won’t come!”

“Oh,” Shelly said and abruptly ceased her bouncing. “I didn’t think about that.” She lightly chewed on her lip. “Has he come yet?”

Daniel heaved a heavy sigh and with another roll of his eyes, he directed his gaze back under the door. “No, not yet.”

“He’s not coming!” Shelly cried.

“Oh my God!” Daniel growled and twisted his body around to face her.

“Omm, I’m telling mom. You took God’s name in vain.”

Daniel could feel a slow flush enter his cheeks. He was usually pretty careful about not taking God’s name in vain. He didn’t want God mad at him after all. But his sister got on his nerves so bad sometimes, he just wanted to hit something. Why couldn’t she have been a boy, instead? Girls were so stupid.

“Shelly,” he said, working to keep his voice calm. “It’s only a little after midnight. It’s only been Christmas for technically,” he glanced at the grandfather clock. The light from the moon streamed in and lit up the right side of the face. “Fifteen minutes. He’ll come. But if he knows we’re out here…” he left the rest unsaid for truly, the thought of Santa not coming scared him more than he was willing to let his sister see.

“Wow!”

He smiled. He liked impressing her. They were working on telling time at school and even though he wasn’t really sure he got it, he knew more than his sister and for now, that was enough.

“So, you’re gonna have to be patient, Shel,” he said. He felt like a grown up.

“Okay,” she said and to his surprise, she settled down.

Time ticked by slowly. It went even more slowly than school so Daniel felt like he had been waiting and watching for Santa to make an appearance for years when in fact, it had only thirty minutes. His eyes began to droop and he would catch himself nodding off and jerk himself awake.

There was one exciting moment when he thought he caught a shadow in the corner of his eye, but when he blinked the sleepiness away, it was gone.

He yawned. Shelly was already asleep, her head resting on his legs. He could feel his left thigh going numb, but he was afraid that if he moved, he would wake her up.

He had been staring at the snowman tree skirt for so long that he swore he saw the figure moving his hips from side-to-side sometimes.

His vision began to glaze over and he could feel his eyes growing very, very heavy.

“Hurry up, Santa,” he murmured in a sleep-induced daze. He fought to keep his eyes open for several more moments, but at precisely 12:52, they slowly lowered, and then closed.

At precisely 12:54, a pair of black galoshes quietly stepped into view.

This was inspired by: