I can’t talk to my oldest son at all.
Every time I try, he accuses me of being angry.
“Are you mad?”
“Why are you mad?”
“There you go, being mad again.”
I’m not sure how many different ways he can ask me if I’m angry. I’m not sure how many ways I can respond with, “No, I’m not!”
I’m passionate. Perhaps that comes across as angry. I have a semi-permanent frown – I can’t help it, my face is crooked. My voice can get harsh – I don’t mean it to, I just have a harsh-sounding voice, I guess.
But it bothers me. It bothers me that he thinks I’m always angry. And that that’s somehow okay for him to be angry all the time.
It bothers me that he’s so sensitive to my moods. Even my subtle moods. The boy mirrors his moods after me and that scares me. Because I never want to be, I’ve never asked to be, his role model. I suck as a role model. I’m flawed in so many ways, I can’t even list them – there are simply too many.
So now I’m self-conscious about my reactions to … everything. Do I come off as angry? I know when I worked at my last job, I had several people tell me (after they had gotten to know me), that I had a stand-offish air about me, that I was perceived as a snob.
And in some ways, I have to agree with that. But I’m not REALLY like that. At least, not all the time. I’m not sure how I can change that perception of me in public. I’m REALLY not sure how to change my son’s perception of me now.
Who wants a mom who’s angry all the time?
I’m not angry all the time.
Am I?
*ding* Time’s up.
This was my 5 minute Stream of Consciousness Sunday post. It’s five minutes of your time and a brain dump. Want to try it?
Write From Karen 