Month: October 2010

Relationships

The “Business” Side of a Good Marriage

Karen

Let me let you in on a little secret – I dig relationships. Not just mine, but relationships in general. I’m fascinated with how people get along, what exactly makes one person attracted to another? What makes a marriage work and another one fail? Can you fall out of love? Or is that just an excuse to stop trying and/or adapting to relationship changes?

I’ve been married for 20 + years now. (My parents will have been married 46 years on Saturday!! Happy anniversary mom and dad!). Though I’m certainly not an expert, I think it’s safe to say, I have a little experience when it comes to this marriage gig.

I have strong opinions about marriage. In fact, I wrote a whole series of posts on relationships complete with tips on how to make your own relationship work as well as a pretty personal look at my own over the years. (You can always click on the “Love Dare” tab at the top of the page for these relationship posts).

Anyway, there are two relationship blogs that never fail to make me think: Project Happily Ever After and Marriage Gems.

There was an article on Marriage Gems that I found interesting: it’s called Manage Your Marriage Like a Business

Here’s a summary of the article’s points:

  • 1. Know your customer. Stay in tune with your spouse’s changing needs, hopes, and concerns. If you’re not sure what they are, ask.
  • 2. Earn their business every day. Just as you would impress clients with attention and treat them with respect, do the same for your partner.
  • 3. Don’t make excuses. Customers (and spouses) want solutions, not excuses. When you make a mistake, acknowledge your error, and then fix it.
  • 4. Work on a win-win strategy. Regularly ask your spouse, “What can I do to help you be successful?” Then follow through with what they need. Use your planning skills to balance the family’s needs, for example if one spouses is putting their career on hold to raise children.
  • 5. Mix business with pleasure. “We seldom give our spouses the rewarding experiences we give our best customers. Find ways to inject new life into your relationship via activities that have no purpose other than to say, ‘You matter.’”

Would you agree with this assessment? Overall, yes, I would.

I’ve often thought people treated their co-workers/constituents nicer than their spouses. I’ve seen, first hand, how my boss would be super nice to his clients and then just treat his wife like dirt. I’m sure he was tired and taking his frustrations out on her, but I’m also sure that was wrong of him to do.

I’ve also seen spouses treat each other like they were their employee instead of their partners.

We put a lot of energy and thought into our careers, it’s always puzzled me why people don’t put that much energy or thought into their relationships. Yes. It’s work. Yes, it’s HARD work. Yes, one must be willing to admit he/she is wrong and be willing to swallow a humility pill now and again, but the rewards are worth the effort.

To achieve measurable results, simply transfer to your home life the skills you’ve acquired to succeed in your career. You can build or rebuild a strong family dynamic the same way you built your company—with great customer service.

Life-condensed

Homework Central

Karen

So apparently? I’m not enemy number for one for Dude, at least, not tonight.

Probably because he needed my help on a project for the class he absolutely hates this quarter – meteorology. (He told me he doesn’t hate the subject matter, but rather, all of the work the teacher piles on them. But his counselor DID warn him that it was a hard class, so it’s not like this is a big surprise).

He’s supposed to write a four-page critique on the movie, “Twister,” (which they watched together in class) and put it in an attractive format, complete with graphics. I suggested Microsoft Publisher, showed a few tricks on how to manipulate the template to look like he wanted and suddenly, I’m the boy’s best friend.

*sigh*

He even talked to me a bit tonight.

Don’t worry, I savored every last minute, I assure you.

This project is due tomorrow.

I wonder where he gets the procrastination gene from?

It can’t be me, I never procrastinate. *ahem*

I hope this “good will toward mom” lasts through the weekend, because him, me and Kevin are going to watch Jazz’s band compete in a marching band competition on Saturday and we’ll be stuck in the car together for nearly six long hours (three down there, three back).

The trip will be so much more pleasant if he’s not snarling at me.

Book Corner

Our Boys Could Very Well Be Starting Their Own Business

Karen

I got an email from my dad yesterday, he wanted to know if we wanted to try and sell his textbooks, DVD’s and other classroom paraphernalia on my Amazon book store.

(My dad used to write courses for online classes at a vocational school in New York. As a result, he was given a lot of materials so he could do his job and once he was done with them, well, he kept them. Since cleaning out our junk seems to run in the family, he thought he’d unload, er, give them to us so we could possibly make some money on them).

He mentioned this might be a good opportunity for the boys to make some extra money (GREAT idea!!) so I said, “Sure! Kevin and I will be by to pick them up.”

I was expecting a lot because I knew my dad had written a ton of courses over the years, so I suggested to Kevin that we drive his truck over there.

We drove into their driveway and there were about ten bags sitting on the sidewalk. I was a bit surprised, I had expected more. I was also just a wee bit relieved because since we had just cleaned our garage out a few weekends ago, I knew Kevin wouldn’t exactly be thrilled to be cluttering it up again.

My parents came out to greet us and when I said, “Oh. I was sort of expecting more,” followed by a relieved laugh, my mom smiled, opened the door to their house and said, “Actually, that’s not all of it.”

I burst out laughing because there were about twenty MORE bags just inside the doorway.

They did that on purpose! The sneaks! LOL

Between the four of us, we loaded up Kevin’s truck and as you can see? We have just a FEW books to sell here:

ALL of those bags are full of books, DVD’s and various other things that my dad used to write his classes with. Though I’m excited to put them on Amazon and see what sort of monetary value they have, I’m NOT looking forward to cataloging them and storing them.

But like I said, I’m going to talk to the boys about a “business opportunity” and see if they want to take care of it for me. They can sort them, I’ll help them price them (because that takes a little finesse – what are they going for, what sort of shape is the book in, etc)., and then if they sell any? They can run up to the post office, mail them off, and keep the proceeds.

I hope they bite. I think it would be a GREAT business opportunity for them – it would teach them about starting, and running, their own business.

I have some experience with selling textbooks and the few I have sold? Went for boo-coo bucks! Textbooks are insanely expensive, so everyone is looking to third-party vendors to try and find a deal.

Let’s hope they shop mine, or the boys’, shops for those deals.

I’ll let you know if the boys bite, what sort of textbooks are in those bags and where you can find them online in case you’re interested in buying any.

Stay tuned!

Update: At first, the boys were skeptical. After all, I’m talking about potential earnings here, nothing is guaranteed. But when I picked a random textbook from the pile you see in the picture above, inputted the information into my Amazon book store and they saw that they could possibly sell it for $70 bucks? They were suddenly INTO the idea. I told them that if they want to do all of the work, cataloging, storing, packaging, shipping (and this includes driving themselves up to the post office and mailing them), then they can have 100% of the proceeds. However, if I help, like shipping their books for them, then I get a cut. We’ll see how this pans out.

We couldn’t do any cataloging tonight, Dude had a project that was due tomorrow, but we plan on hitting it pretty hard tomorrow night. I plan on taking my laptop out to the garage (thank God for WiFi), and we’ll get started. I’ll likely list a few books on my own Amazon store, but most of the books will likely be listed on the boys’ store. (They decided to open their own shop). I’ll provide a link to their shop when it’s up and running.

This will likely be a slow process. We’re going out of town on Saturday and we won’t likely resume the cataloging process until early Sunday afternoon.

Life

I Am My Son’s Enemy

Karen

I’m so tired of being the enemy.

I’m not a bad person, truly. Yes, I’m opinionated, yes, I have a temper, yes, I am overbearing and controlling and my sense of humor is a bit rough around the edges …

Geez, I’m not painting a very attractive picture, am I?

It appears I am Dude’s number one enemy. He takes everything I say the wrong way. He’s super sensitive to my moods, my tone of voice, any innuendos I might make, or constructive criticism I might offer him (which I assure you, doesn’t happen very often anymore because it’s just not worth the war that follows).

I mean, we’ve never been close, and by that I mean, the boy has NEVER confided in me, but here lately, it seems like he’s really pulling away from me. And it’s just me. I watch him interact with family, with his brother, with Kevin, and he seems to be fine. But every time I try to talk to him, his jaw tightens and his eyes grow hard and he’s snappish and borderline hateful.

I try to think back, was there one thing I did that made him angry at me? Is it the mere fact that I won’t allow him to sleep until the afternoons on weekends, or I shut the Internet off at midnight because I don’t feel comfortable with the boys being on the ‘net that late (doing only God knows what?)

Is it the fact that I keep bugging him about his future? (I don’t bug him, per se, but if an opportunity presents itself about going to college and/or getting a job, I snatch it up and run with it).

I mean, if all of those things are suffocating him because he thinks that just because he’s going to turn 18 next month entitles him to a little freedom (and I’m working on that, truly I am), then here’s what I have to say:

TOUGH.

You live here buster, you adhere to our rules. Don’t like it?

There’s the door. Bye.

Harsh? Yes. And I’m really not that mean to him, believe me, but he knows that I expect certain things out of him and he’s just going to have to get off his lazy butt and DO something with his life.

Again. Don’t like my nagging? Then get a job, go to college, or move out.

I’m not giving him those ultimatums yet, but the day is coming, I’m just thinking ahead. I’m just mentally preparing myself for the day he LOATHES me, because I have a feeling it’s coming. When my parents forced me to grow up, I certainly didn’t harbor any warm and fuzzy feelings for them.

But I respected them and in time, I’ve thanked them. Making me grow up was the best thing they could have done for me, and I’m afraid I’m going to have to toughen my heart up a bit if I expect Dude to do the same.

So yes, I’ve been tough on the boy. And I’ve needed to be because he doesn’t have one motivated bone in his body and he would never do any of this grown-up stuff if I hadn’t pushed him (like driver’s license, for example).

I expect he will despise me, I’m not living in la-la land. I push, he pushes back with attitude, I was the same way when I was his age. And I’m sure he thinks I’m an idiot and wishes I would get out of his business, but I can’t. He’s my son, and I love him.

I read somewhere one time that if even though asking your teenagers about their life was uber annoying to them, it was actually worse if you didn’t make the effort. Because if you didn’t take an active interest in your teen, then the teen assumed you didn’t care about them and then all hell breaks loose.

So I make an effort. And I get growls, dirty looks and heavy sighs, but once in a while, once in a blue moon, I get a tiny gold nugget – an answer. A genuine smile. A rare look at what’s going on inside his head. And those moments? Keep me going during the difficult times.

It breaks my heart that our relationship, (is that what you call this? I wonder) has deteriorated to this point. It’s not bad, really, it’s just not where I would like it to be. In fact, I’m probably making a mountain out of a mole hill because if you asked Dude what the problem was? He’d probably look surprised and confused …”there’s a problem?”

I can’t help but wish that Dude and I had the same sort of relationship that Jazz and I have. Jazz talks to me. He asks for advice. He confides in me.

Dude? I’m lucky to squeeze six words out of the boy in a 24-hour period of time.

I’ve tried to treat the boys equally over the years. Same amount of time, same reactions, same number of “I love yous” or notes in their lunches. But I sometimes wonder how Dude feels about all the attention Jazz gets this time of year because of marching band. And since this worries me, I try and over compensate by being too clingy to him, ask him too many questions, wear my heart on my sleeve when he rejects me and I’m sure it just suffocates him.

But I’m desperate to not want him to think back on this time period and resent his little brother for his activities, or be jealous of the time and praise we give to Jazz.

I would LOVE to give that much time and praise to Dude, but he won’t let me. I annoy him just by being in the same room as him. In fact, he will hurry and eat his dinner just so he doesn’t have to answer my questions at the dinner table.

*sigh* It’s really all quite exhausting.

And I said it breaks my heart, right? Because it does.

I think Dude is feeling the pinch, though. He received his Selective Service form in the mail the other day and was quite freaked out about the whole thing. He’s scared he’ll have to fight in a war, and though I didn’t say anything in front of him, I was a bit freaked out, too. I knew he would have to sign up when he turned 18, but Gads, here we are. Now it’s all too real.

I’m frustrated because I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to just leave him alone, he’ll think he’s being rejected, but obviously trying to wedge myself into his life isn’t helping either.

He’s so much like me at that age, but he’s worse somehow because he’s a guy and guys don’t generally spill their guts to begin with; I honestly have no idea what is going on in his life. I know he has friends at school (and I only know this because of his friends on Facebook), so I know he’s not a total recluse, but still, what sort of person is he when he’s not home? I would love to be a fly on the wall just to see.

I joke that we’ll know about every single one of Jazz’s girlfriends, in fact, I’m sort of prepared for drama in that department, but when it comes to Dude? We won’t even know he was dating anyone until he shows up one day, this strange girl on his arm and announces to everyone that he’s engaged!

Mark my words.

I feel pretty comfortable in my mom role with Jazz, but with Dude? I’m totally in the dark, blindly feeling my way and sensing there is a drop-off somewhere close … if only I could see it.

paralegal

Areas of Law that Interest Me

Karen

The other day, I tweeted about what it took to be a paralegal:

1. Excellent Writing Skills (check – well, excellent in my own mind, I suppose).

2. Research Skills (I do have a knack for finding things, I must say).

3. Communication Skills (which I learned in college – in fact I was so successful in arguing FOR legalizing marijuana, my teacher had to ask me to insert “for medicinal purposes” just so I wouldn’t warp a bunch of young minds).

Shortly after I published my tweet, another person responded by adding to my list:

“One more: Ability to work with slime all day.”

Ouch.

My first thought was, well, I can’t publish my first thought, but my second thought was, “Gee. I hope I don’t end up working for a slimy lawyer.”

But then the argumentative part of my brain said, “Just what constitutes a slimy lawyer? Someone who chases ambulances? (Which is an ethics violation, by the way. I didn’t learn that from my paralegal class, but from the lawyer we retained after Kevin’s accident), or someone who is only after the big bucks and to hell with anyone who gets in the way?”

Lawyers are always given a bad rap, until you need one. And then? Thank God for them. Because without lawyers, our rights would be trampled and there would be nothing stopping people from taking advantage of each other. Yes. Of course. There are slimy lawyers out there, willing to do anything or work for anyone, just so they can buy that BMW, but I’m betting they’re the minority, not the majority, and I hope I end up working for someone who uses the law to help people, not use people for their own personal gains.

There are bad apples in every industry and I think it’s unfair to lump one group of people into one rotting cart. I want to pursue paralegalism because it interests me. And I think it would be challenging, not to mention sharpen my own writing skills.

And if I end up helping people along the way, that’s definitely a perk.

However, I’m not naive enough to think that that will always be the case. I’m sure there will be cases where I dislike the client, or I dislike the reasons the client is suing, or I don’t think the client is acting in a very ethical way, but we’re a nation of laws, someone has to uphold them. Someone has to represent the people, what I think really doesn’t matter.

I can’t really explain why I want to do this, it’s just something I’ve always wanted to try. And I reached a point in my life where I’m tired of talking about it, I’m ready to DO something about it.

I finished lesson three tonight (I’m now three lessons behind, though two more lessons will be assigned on Wednesday and Friday – I WILL get caught up!!), and part of the lesson was to list the specialized areas of law that might interest us.

Here is what I wrote:

  • Banking Law (I have experience in banking and I hope that would give me an edge if I pursued that specialty – also, I find it interesting).
  • Bankruptcy Law (I have very strong feelings about bankruptcy, ones that I would find it difficult to keep to myself, which appeals to me – the challenge of handling the whole issue).
  • Though I think Corporate Law would be challenging, I’m not willing to work that many hours or travel across the country in order to work the field.
  • Criminal Law would be EXCITING. And SCARING. But EXCITING. I’m not sure I’m tough enough to handle the details required for this field. But I would be tempted.
  • Family Law – definitely.
  • Judicial Administration – first-hand look at how the courts function.
  • ** Law Office Administration – I have management experience as well, so combining the challenge of managing people with the challenge of this field would be exhilarating, I think.
  • Litigation (Civil)

The one that really floats my boat is: Law Office Administration.

The legal administrator manages the planning, marketing (ugh), and business functions, as well as the overall operations of a law office.

I’m not sure why this sector appeals to me so much, maybe it’s my need to control everything (and I work great under pressure, not to mention, I sort of thrive on juggling several balls at once), but it just sounds fun to me.

That probably says a lot about my personality, I bet.

Close seconds? Family Law and Judicial Administration.

Family Law deals with, well, family issues and I think specifically working to help children and abused women would be especially rewarding for me.

Judicial administration is:

Most courts have clerks to help with the administrative aspects of deciding cases. In addition, a few courts have paralegals that work for the court. they perform some of the functions of the administrative clerks, such as determining whether the parties have been properly notified of trial dates, checking filings and proposed orders from attorneys to determine whether anything appears inappropriate or premature, or obtaining additional information for a judge.

It would be like being a fly on the wall – I think I would enjoy that, actually.

Okay fine, I would pretty much enjoy all of the areas I’ve listed (though I’d wager Banking and Bankruptcy would require a bit more travel than I would like) – I just think the whole field is interesting. The thought of researching, writing, analyzing … I dig that stuff.

I’m not sure Kevin is taking this new pursuit seriously. I mean, it IS a lot to swallow, and I’m definitely biting off more than I can chew, but honestly? I want to try it.

I’m ready, and serious, about switching roles here. I’m more than ready to don a business suit and get back out into the working world; it’s been too long. And I know Kevin would love nothing more than to be a stay-at-home dad – cleaning house, cooking, working on his projects (because he’s always doing something).

I mean, why not? The man has worked his ass off for us for the past 20 some odd years. He deserves some down time. He deserves a stress-free environment for once.

He’s for the idea, but knowing him, it won’t last long. He’s already chomping on the bit and I’ve caught him looking at want ads quite a few times.

But we’ve both reached a point in our lives that we can do something different. This is what I want to try. Kevin hasn’t decided what he wants to do yet – he might go back to accounting, he might try something different. It’s totally his decision and I’ll support whatever he decides.

All I know is this: I’m going to try this and I hope I succeed at it.

Through My Eyes

Embracing Indian Summer

Karen

My pink slippers. I bought pink on purpose because I’m determined to try and become a bit more girly. And apparently, I think that’s going to happen if I buy girly-looking footwear.

The jury is still out on the girly transformation.

Fall has arrived in the Ozarks. Actually, it’s Indian Summer right now. (I know how Wikipedia defines Indian Summer, and I’m sure they’re right, they’re Wikipedia after all *ahem*, but MY definition of Indian Summer? Days so hot you feel the need to shed your clothing [layering is an essential art in my neck of the woods], nights so cold you feel the need to slip your feet into slippers and turn on the heater for brief spurts of time, just long enough to remove the chill in the air).

Indian Summer. My favorite part of the year.

I mentioned in my audio post that this is my favorite time of year – actually, that’s not true, it’s my MOST favorite time of year. Crisp mornings, warm afternoons, brightly-colored leaves, marching band competitions, birthdays, Thanksgiving, and of course, National Novel Writing Month.

This time of year triggers something in me and I feel both relaxed and energized at the same time. It’s hard to explain.

I crave productivity, but I’m okay if it doesn’t happen right away.

I feel comfortable in my clothing once again. I LIVE for sweats, sweatshirts and of course, slippers.

The smell of apples, spices and pumpkins make me happy. Coffee taste just a bit better in the Fall, the cool air brushing against my cheeks comforts me.

The earth is tilting on it’s axis, precariously balancing between seasons and I wait with bated breath on it’s very edge, my arms outstretched and ready to embrace the change.

NaNoWriMo, Writing Stuff

NaNoWriMo Workshop – Find, and Flush Out, an Idea

Karen

This post was originally published on Write Anything, October 18, 2008.

Welcome to Write Anything’s NaNoWriMo workshops! We’re taking this opportunity to help you prepare for NaNoWriMo next month. Please keep in mind, we’re not experts, we are simply writers who are sharing ideas. What works for me, may not work for you. BUT, it might give you an idea of where to start with your own writing. If you have your own tips or ideas you would like to share with the “class” (the Internet is a BIG class!), then by all means, comment. We love comments. 🙂

First things first, in order to write a story, you need an idea.

Of course, finding this great idea is easier said than done.

In fact, let’s not even call it a GREAT idea at all. Let’s simply look for an idea – if you put too much pressure on yourself, to find that all-elusive idea that is going to catapult you into being the next great American novelist, then you’ll likely put too much pressure on yourself and not settle on any one idea at all.

The greatest source of ideas for fiction is experience. It doesn’t even have to be your experience, the experience can belong to someone else; you can observe someone else’s struggle and use it for a story.

Don’t have a story idea? Karen Wiesner, the author of First Draft in 30 Days suggests you try brainstorming.

Constant brainstorming, or brewing (think coffeepot), is the most important part of writing an outline or a book. No writing system, technique, or tool will work for you … if you’re not brainstorming constantly during a project. You must brainstorm from the beginning of a project – before you even write a word of it – through the outlining, the writing, and the final edit and polish.

I firmly believe that creative writing is 75 percent brewing, 25 percent actual writing. Some writers are mentally involved with their stories that brainstorming takes the form of “mini-movies” reeling through their heads.

Or in my case, my dreams.

Don’t try to rein in or discipline your brainstorming – no matter how inconvenient it is. Brainstorming is what turns an average story into an extraordinary one.

Okay, so we need to keep our brains in permanent percolate mode. Let’s explore some ways to generate ideas:

  • Combine two story concepts – like Adam and Eve and Star Wars, for example.
  • Read the newspaper – take the event and weave a story around it. In the mood for a challenge? Open your story with that event and then write a story backward, to the beginning (like in the movie “Memento“).
  • Watch movies. Take a character from one movie and force him/her to interact with another character from a different movie. What sort of situation might arise by placing these very different characters in the same setting?
  • Take a story you really like – now tell it differently.
  • Take a story you really like – and write an alternate ending.
  • Look for controversial topics. Controversy gets noticed, and then more people read your writing. Find a new angle on some hot topic.
  • Generate a book title and then write a story based around that title. (This sometimes works for me).
  • Browse the odd news stories on Yahoo. (I often use this as a source for short stories. Seriously, there is nothing stranger than truth, seriously).
  • Draw on your childhood.
  • Look into the lives of your ancestors and tell their stories. Use your imagination and fill in the gaps.
  • Take a secondary character from a favorite story and write his/her story.

Now, let’s assume you have come up with an idea for your story. How can you flush it out?

Write a synopsis. Now I know this sounds strange, considering we usually think of writing a synopsis after our story is finished, but writing a synopsis before we write our story can actually help us mold our idea into something workable.

From the start, it is a good idea to keep a notebook next to the computer or have notepad open on the computer for planning purposes. The synopsis is usually written from the omniscient point of view and in present tense, but I like to write the pre-planned version of the story from any one of the characters point of view. Later, when it comes to writing the real synopsis, this point of view can be changed very easily. Source.

One of my favorite writing blogs, Paperback Writer, had this to say about synopsis:

With all due respect to the organic writers out there, I advocate writing the synopsis before writing one word of the novel. For me, it organizes my thoughts and reassures me on a couple of levels. I know if I can write an effective synopsis, I know the story inside and out.

I also use synopses for nailing down annoying/lengthy story ideas that won’t get out of my head. It helps get the pesky stuff that I don’t have time to write out of my head, and I always feel good dropping a full synopsis into the idea file.

Here are some links to help you get started on a synopsis:

Five Steps to Writing a Synopsis

Writing a Novel Synopsis

Still drawing a blank? Here are some writing exercises that may help jump-start your creative idea juices.

  • Two or three pages. Write down your first three memories. Can you make a story out of any of them? Try.
  • Two to three pages. Write down the first dreams you remember. Don’t mention that they are dreams.
  • Recall a physical or verbal fight, and construct it as one scene.
  • Two to three pages. Think about an incident that you avoid remembering – or can’t clearly remember – and write about it.
  • Write about a moment of terror you experienced, or about a blow to your pride.
  • Two to three pages. Write “My mother never … ” at the of a page, then complete the sentence and keep going.
  • Read Bible stories. Can you make variations?
  • Do historical events intrigue you? Do you keep wondering how things really happened? Write one to two pages.
  • Two to three pages. Imagine some event that could have happened to you but did not – something that you wanted or feared.

Well, what are you waiting for? Brainstorm! 🙂

Did you write a blog entry about finding ideas or writing a synopsis? Leave us a link in the comment section!

Next: Setting