And that title suggests so much more than I can allow myself to write about. *sigh* I wish I had the freedom to simply dump what I’m feeling on this blog, but alas, it all boils back down to that stupid self-censor thing so I’ll see if I can’t write what’s going on with me without revealing too many details.
How good are you at reading between the lines?
I’m very blessed to have two great families – my own and my by-marriage families. They are all truly amazing and loving people and we generally don’t have any big blow outs or major Jerry Springer-ish type of issues crop up.
But we’re not perfect. We have moments. And it’s in those moments that I’m allowed to step back and take a good, hard look at myself, as well as my family members.
And the conclusion I usually walk away with? I’m sort of a b*tch. And my family no doubt thinks I’m sort of a b*tch.
I know. Big shocker to most of you, I’m sure.
But guess what. I’m okay with that because in the end, I’m honest. And there should be no doubt as to where I stand on certain issues so even though someone may not agree with me, or gets upset with me and gives me the silent treatment, fine, at least we all know where we stand.
Look. I don’t agree with some of the decisions my family makes, or how they run their lives, but you know what? Big deal. They have the right to live their lives however they choose to and it’s none of my business. And just because I don’t agree with what they’re doing doesn’t give me the right to voice my opinion about it. I don’t have to like their decisions, I don’t even have to like them — but we’re family. It is what it is.
So, I deal. And I keep my big mouth shut, for the most part. But there are moments when I’m inevitably sucked in and I resent the hell out of it. It wasn’t my situation to begin with. I didn’t want anything to do with it and now look at me, I’m knee deep in someone else’s junk and I’ve made the situation worse because I can’t keep my big mouth shut.
Swell. Just peachy.
I’m a fair person, but when it comes to family drama — I’m out. And if I have the misfortune of being sucked into something, I will only tiptoe around the real issue, the issue that no one else will talk about, for so long before I’ve had it.
The kid gloves come off and I will say my piece. Take it or leave it. And the sad part? (Because it’s certainly not the funny part, especially in this case), is that I get to the point where I just don’t care.
I don’t. I honestly, do, not, care.
Be angry with me. Don’t talk to me. Avoid me. Hate my guts. It doesn’t matter. I’ve had it. I’m tired of thinking about it. I’m tired of analyzing every little component of the situation. I’m tired of analyzing every single thing I said, or should have said. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. And I’m unwilling to play nicety-nice and let’s get along at all costs because if someone can’t take the truth, then bite me.
It’s time to face reality.
What can I say. I’m hard nosed and I’m hard hearted. That can make some people sad, that can make some people angry, but you know what? Tough. I can try and sugar coat those aspects of myself but since I’m being honest (in a vague sort of way) I’ll just come right out and say, I am who I am. Take it or leave it.
I don’t DO family drama. I. Just. Don’t.
I don’t want it. I will not participate in it.
I try very hard not to take my anger out against something or someone on the Internet. I try to keep my cool and IF I write anything about the issue, I try to remain impartial and fair. And that’s a BIG challenge for me because I’m opinionated and arrogant. These are not traits I’m exactly proud of, but again, it is what it is.
But I’m human. And I slip up. And I write stupid tweets that I shouldn’t and then I totally regret opening my big mouth later. Because I wrote it in the heat of the moment. I was upset. I was aggravated. I was annoyed as hell. So, I wrote it. And I left it on there until a family member pointed out to me that that wasn’t exactly the nicest thing to do and after thinking about it, agreed. So, I removed them.
But they were out there. And if that someone happened to read those tweets (you know who you are), please accept my apologizes. I wrote them in the heat of the moment. It was stupid and immature and I deeply regret my stupidity.
I regret making something so private so public.
And I’m renewing my pact on not getting involved in family drama. Ya’ll know my opinions. There’s really nothing else to say.
I’m sorry this is so vague. I’m sorry if this seems confusing. But I needed to get this off my chest. I can apologize for my rash actions but I can not apologize for who I am.
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