Day: March 9, 2009

This is me today …

Actually, these are my nephews – hiding from the world.

And this is exactly how I feel today – I have no desire to face the world. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to face anyone. I don’t want to be nice, or cordial, or all fake-smiley, or courteous or …

Well, PRESENT.

I’m not in a bad mood. I’m not in a good mood. I’m not annoyed, irritated, sad or happy. I’m just … meh.

I get like this sometimes. I just have no desire to interact with anyone – and that includes my family. When I’m in one of these moods, I ignore the boys. And though I don’t ignore Kevin, I’m not my usual, cheery, flirty self – like I normally am with my husband and ONLY around my husband. (Because overly cheery people grate on my nerves).

I’m perfectly content to just sit by and watch life pass me by. I have no desire to jump into the thick of things and … participate.

I’m just a ghost, floating along and watching the curious humans interact with the world around them.

I used to get like this at work, too. When I worked outside the home, that is. I would be extremely quiet and it would drive my co-workers nuts.

“Are you mad at me?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Are you feeling okay?”

“Well, someone’s being a b*tch today.”

Meh. If the shoe fits, I suppose. *shrug*

I have a lot of things on my mind. And I have quite a few things on my to-do list (like work out the kinks for Write Anything’s new look and format – I’m slow guys, I know. I’m sorry). But I just can’t bring myself to DO any of those things. I just feel so … unmotivated.

I’m not depressed. At least, I don’t THINK I’m depressed. How does one really know if one is depressed, anyway? These dark moods of mine usually only last 24-hours – let’s hope I’m back to normal by tomorrow …

Whatever the hell normal is for me, that is.

Maybe I’m just tired. I worked out a lot this weekend – maybe this is my body’s way of saying, “Dude, slow down. You’re not a spring chicken anymore.”

Boy, ain’t that the truth.

I’ve been thinking about how I have to push GD into doing everything. That he expects me to push him.

For example: The whole driving thing. Seriously. GD. It’s time to grow up. It’s time to lift your head from your computer monitor and join the human race (like I’m one to talk). So, I tested the water today. I thought I would TELL him that come spring break, I would take him down to the DMV so he could take the test for his driver’s permit. And I told myself that if he really acted uncomfortable with that, that I would back off – I planted the seed, I would just have to be patient for it to grow.

But to my utter surprise, he shrugged and said, “Okay.” He didn’t cringe. He didn’t look uncomfortable. He didn’t fight me. In fact, he looked relieved that I pushed the issue.

I am so tired of pushing him. WHEN will he take the initiative and live his own life, for once? WHY does he feel like he can’t do anything without me breathing down his neck?

Oh. Because I sort of raised him that way. It’s totally my fault the boy doesn’t have the courage to step off the edge of the cliff. I’ve over-protected the boy his entire life – it’s totally my fault that he’s on the timid side.

I’m thinking about how incredibly skinny MK is – he’s literally all bones – I can’t even say he’s skin and bones because his bones stick out so much that it makes his milky white skin look transparent. He eats, but he doesn’t eat enough. I’m not terribly worried – I’ve seen enough pictures of Kevin when he was that age to realize, MK is physically built like his dad. He’ll fill out but for right now, he just looks so frail and puny compared to his classmates. When will he start to fill out and look stronger?

My in-laws came over yesterday. And they asked me the dreaded question – the question that makes me grit my teeth and clench my fists.

“What have you been up to lately?”

Compared to my sisters-in-law and heck, with the rest of the world?

Not a lot.

I know they must think I’m incredibly lazy. And they wouldn’t be far from the truth. And even though I have several pokers in the website fires, and I’ve been busy with the other school websites and doing other menial tasks that aren’t even worth mentioning, I can’t bring myself to tell them that. I hate talking about myself – which sounds insane considering this blog, but this is different, I don’t actually have to FACE you guys. You exist in my virtual world and I like that – I’m comfortable with that.

Face-to-face interaction? Well, I suck at it.

As a result, my MIL looks at me like I’m dirt sometimes. And I suppose I am when compared to so many other people who are so much more productive with their time than I am and …

I wonder if that’s the reason why I’m reluctant to get together with my family? Because of that stupid, lame question that everyone asks because it’s the polite thing to do and they’re just being nice …

“What have you been up to lately?”

I don’t have an answer to that, I guess. At least, not a satisfactory answer, and I’m feeling guilty about it. I SHOULD be more productive. I have no excuse not to be. But unless you put a deadline in front of my face, that’s simply who I am. I get things done when I get them done.

In. My. Own. Sweet. Time.

What exactly am I waiting for? Death? Because that’s the rate I’m getting things done now – I’m at a dead stop.

I get so disgusted with myself when I’m like this. Everything is doom and gloom and if you know me, I can’t STAND pessimism. I know I’m feeling like this largely due to my melancholy mood but seriously, someone slap me because I’m starting to tick myself off.

And that’s never a good thing. Trust me.

Just ignore me. I’ll get over myself shortly.