Can We Talk?

Please Stand By

So I feel like I have some explaining to do.

This whole “now you see my blog, now you don’t thing” is new. Actually, it’s an experiment.

Actually, it’s annoying.

Be honest. I can take it.

But I like it. And I dare say, I will continue the peek-a-boo blog show for a while longer, if you will indulge me.

Here’s why I like it: because it perfectly sums up my personality. I’m one of those people who sort of fades into the background at parties, only to resurface and offer a soft, genuine smile of acknowledgment or to inject a funny sentence or thought into a random conversation. I think my personality might be a bit too much, full strength. It might be better, for all parties concerned, if I dilute my thoughts, rants and daily mutterings and sort of space them out over a week’s time, instead of subjecting you poor people to daily doses.

And I like it because I don’t feel like I’m constantly on display. I can be me. I can write when I feel like it and not stress if I haven’t written something before midnight. I don’t have to worry about whether Google is cataloging me, or if I’m losing readers. When I have something to say, I can say it and not have to count the number of times I’ve hit the publish button in a 24-hour period.

Some days, like today, I can post three times and not feel guilty that I’m overwhelming someone’s RSS feed. Or, I can go days without publishing anything simply because I have nothing to say and am feeling introspective and quiet.

I know it’s hard to believe, but there are days I feel quiet. There are days I can hardly stand being in the same room as my family. I want nothing to do with them. I would much prefer to get lost in a book, or to find a quiet corner and write nonsense, or to pop a DVD in and watch several episodes from my favorite TV shows.

That’s how I feel about blogging my thoughts. Sometimes, I simply have nothing to say. Those are the days I post nonsense, videos, jokes … stupid things.

And I always feel guilty after doing that. This is my journal, my life. It’s personal. I don’t want to leave silly, inconsequential things behind for my family to read (and chances are, those videos, links, jokes will no longer exist at that time period, anyway).

I’ve turned comments off. Not because I’m not interested in what you have to say, but because I feel like I can be me, uncensored. I have no intention of offending anyone, it’s better for me, as a person if I’m forced to weigh my opinions with fairness, but I’m tired of walking on eggshells. My husband frowns whenever I imply anything remotely bad about him. My mother gets annoyed with me whenever I talk about my childhood and inevitably get it wrong.

I have very loud thoughts and sharp opinions – I can’t help that. And I resent it whenever I can’t say what I want to say, on my own journal.

I’ve thought about keeping this journal completely private, and I reserve the right to make it private at some future point, but for now, I enjoy putting my words out there, but only on my terms. It’s hard to explain, perhaps I’m a bit narcissistic in one respect, having the urge to have other people read my thoughts, but I don’t want to disappear from the blog-o-sphere entirely, just partially.

I know none of this makes sense to you, or perhaps, it does on some weird level. All I know is, I am feeling more relaxed about this journal in a long time and it is once again, fun for me.

I hope it’s fun for you.

If you don’t feel like clicking over every day to see if I’ve stepped back into the light, or want to keep track of my Twitter stream, 24/7, you could always subscribe to my RSS feed, or, if email is more your thing, subscribe by email. I always allow my blog to stay live long enough for the search engines to find me before going dark again.

I apologize for my crazy antics, but well, this is me.