Through My Eyes

Lately, I’ve Been Feeling …

Lately, I’ve been feeling …

… edgy. Bored. Claustrophobic. I get like this sometimes. I live most of my days in my house, alone. Quiet. Silent. Yes, the boys are here, but they are busy doing their own thing. They get annoyed when I look over their shoulder. They get annoyed with my presence.

Lately, I’ve been feeling …

… unmotivated. I KNOW the bathrooms need a good cleaning. I KNOW the crap on my kitchen floor could entertain four toddlers for several hours. I KNOW I need to fill out applications and get the ball rolling on a new job. But … I simply can’t summon the energy to get in there and DO it.

Lately, I’ve been feeling …

… old. My body is constantly changing. And though my digestive problems seem to have finally ironed out (Amen!), I was convinced I wasn’t going to have a period this month. I’m late. I’m never late. My cycle has been 26 days apart from the beginning of my entrance to womanhood. I’ve had months where I had two periods, but never months where I missed one entirely. I knew I wasn’t pregnant, we have taken very deliberate precautions to insure that wouldn’t happen. So I had convinced myself that I was perimenopause — that “THE CHANGE” was beginning to happen. Only today … my period showed up. My feelings are somewhere between relieved and disappointed. I’m ready to cross the perimenopause threshold; I take comfort in the fact that I can SEE the threshold.

Lately, I’ve been feeling …

… uneasy. I need to make an appointment with my OB/GYN. I haven’t had a pap smear in … wow … years. But I’m uneasy because I know that I will not only be chastised for waiting so long, I will be forced to schedule a breast exam because I am 43. And my girls only like to be squeezed and touched by one man — and he’s not a doctor. I am a big baby when it comes to my female parts.

Lately, I’ve been feeling …

… jealous. Even though I have no desire to go to a blogging conference, I feel left out and sad when I read about all of the good times others are having. It’s stupid, really, I KNOW me. I KNOW that I would be uncomfortable and miserable the whole time there because I’m simply not a sociable person. I don’t make small talk because I prefer to put some meat on my words. And yet … I’m surprised that I’m considering, perhaps, just maybe, going next year. I’ve found some local bloggers through Twitter and if I can befriend them, and talk them into going next year, then I think I would go. I’m always braver when I have someone holding my hand.

Lately, I’ve been feeling …

… impatient. I’m determined to make another cruise happen for us next year, but aside from the money issue (which is another reason I want/need to get a job so I can pay for the damn thing), we’re having a time conflict. Jazz will *have to take a summer class next year. Dude will **have to get a summer job. Jazz has an intense week of band camp in August (this is an annual thing and happens every second week in August). July looks like the ONLY time we might be able to go. But Kevin says July is the ONLY month he can’t go — too many mid-year reports and audits. Did I mention I’m determined to make this work?

Lately, I’ve been feeling …

… torn. I love to give things away. LOVE. IT. But it costs money, which I pay out of my pocket. And money WILL be getting tight. But I don’t want to stop the giveaways because I see it as doing my small part to give back to the community. And giving is always a good thing. We’ve always given in the past, even when we probably shouldn’t have. But God has ALWAYS blessed us as a result. So I will continue to give any way I can. Giving things away makes me very happy. I want to hang on to that happiness.

Lately, I’ve been feeling …

… uninspired. And I’m pretty sure it’s largely due to the fact that I haven’t been reading as much as I used to. When I don’t read, I don’t write. I get most of my inspiration from reading others. My reading habits have changed largely because I’ve been distracted with Twitter and the blogs in my Google Reader. From this point on, I will make more time for reading and will not check my Reader or hop on Twitter until AFTER I’ve gotten some writing done — whether that’s a blog post or a story.

*Jazz has signed up for Jazz band this year. Since it’s a semester class, this will put him one class behind his peers. In order for him to graduate with his peers, he’ll need to take a summer class to stay caught up.

**Dude needs to grow up. I was working at 16; Kevin was working at 16. Next summer, Dude will be 17. We feel it’s very important for him to get out into society and start learning some real-life lessons. It’s time.