Category: Parenting

Dear Diary, Parenting

Dear Diary: A Father’s Connection

Karen

Dear Diary:

All he ever wanted was to connect with them.

When we found out we were going to have sons, Kevin did what most fathers do: he fantasized about doing guy things with his sons someday. He would teach them things, he would grow close to them, he would have little buddies to hang out with.

That hasn’t really happened. Oh sure. Our sons love their father (probably more than me since he’s so much more rational with them than I am and plus – I’m a girl), but I don’t think Kevin feels like they are as close as he would like them to be. It’s taken him years to really find common ground with them. Kevin is a fix-it sort of personality. He enjoys challenges. He likes puzzles. He takes a hold of a problem and doesn’t let go until he figures it out and then conquers it.

I call him my bulldog because he simply doesn’t let anything go. (Which, on one hand, is a good trait to have because stubborn people are generally more successful simply because they don’t give up. But on the other hand, you have to learn when to quit because after you’ve reached a certain point, that point where you know in your heart it’s not going to work, it just becomes a waste of time and life is too short to beat dead horses).

But our boys aren’t interested in the same things as Kevin – not really. They could care less how to monkey rig a problem, or make something last longer than it was intended to last. They don’t care about creative maintenance solutions – they would rather just go out and buy something new than figure out what the problem is.

(They come by that mentality honestly. *ahem*)

They aren’t fascinated with problems or problem solving. (Kevin is an accountant and enjoys figuring out logical solutions to messy presentations).

They could care less about cars.

Or cooking.

Or music. (Though Jazz does love his saxophone, he’s not really interested in the type of music that Kevin loves – grungy guitar rock-type songs).

They don’t give a rat’s behind about yard work. Or house maintenance. (Though they should and will whenever they get to the homeowners stage one day).

Our sons are spoiled, entitled and have never really had a tough day in their life. And we take total blame for that. We molded them. We protected them. And they will have a rude awakening one day, I’m sure.

Reality is not all about rainbows and unicorns. Am I right?

So, when the boys saved up enough money to upgrade their computers (they both work with Kevin and Kevin pays them minimum wage and swears that he couldn’t run his business without them because he’s getting more and more clients) and bought customized parts to build bigger and better gaming computers and asked for Kevin’s advice on what to buy and then spent hours in the kitchen together putting those parts back together again, Kevin was in absolute heaven.

Finally. He found common ground. Finally. He found something they were all interested in and could bond over together.

He was happy. He told me he was happy. His actions spelled happiness. And it warmed my heart to see all three of them grow that much closer.

I have reached a point in motherhood where I am no longer inside their world: I’m outside looking in. It’s a weird position to be in considering I was one of those helicopter moms who wouldn’t allow their boys to say “BOO” unless I gave them permission to say “BOO.” In some ways, I miss those days. I miss my little boys who looked to me for guidance and relied on me to take care of them.

But mostly, I glad those days are over. I’m ready for them to take the reins of their lives and ride their choices into the sunset. I’m ready for them to meet adulthood without me hovering in the background. I will always be there for them if they need me, but I no longer wish to be the first person who they turn to if they have problems.

They are no longer boys, they are men. And they need their father now more than ever to teach them HOW to become men. It’s Kevin’s turn to take the parental reins and though one small part of me is sad, most of me is fascinated by the changes I see almost on a daily basis. I find myself in an interesting situation now: I’m the parent on the other side of the looking glass now. Though my job as their mother will never be complete, I think I’ve played my last mothering card – we’re using a new deck now and it’s Kevin’s turn to deal them a new hand.

It warms my heart to see Kevin so happy to take over. He eagerly took on that responsibility yesterday when he helped Jazz put his newly built computer back together again and their father/son conversation left me feeling warm, safe and secure inside – they are both in such good hands. Kevin is an excellent father – I couldn’t have prayed for a better father to my sons. He’s patient, kind, and considerate. He openly tells them he loves them, and is not embarrassed about the admission.

I think Kevin has solidified that father/son connection he craved.

Life, Parenting

Someone in My Family is Now An Organ Donor

Karen

I was sitting here, watching “Grey’s Anatomy,” (I’m embarrassed to admit that I watch A LOT of TV since starting this job – who has the mental energy to read a book nowadays?? Not me!!) and something from the show reminded me of something I wanted to blog about …

Someone in my family is now an organ donor.

And it’s not Kevin.

Nor me.

Who does that leave?

I KNOW!

Since I’ve been working, I haven’t spent that much time with my boys. On the surface, this sounds like a bad thing, however, it’s actually not. Because you see, I’ve mother-henned my kids TO DEATH. So much so, that if I didn’t do something, they would grow up to be pansy-ass excuses for men.

Let’s be honest.

And I’ll admit, that was a big deciding factor to my GETTING a job, quite frankly. Because I figured if I wasn’t around then the boys would be FORCED to grow up.

I have to admit, I’m beginning to think that theory is paying off.

*Side note: I also got a job because A. I was bored staying home. B. I wanted to start financially contributing to the family again. And C. Kevin didn’t think I’d really do it. He said the same thing when I got my job at Wal-Mart, too. Silly husband. Don’t EVER doubt me when I have my “serious” face on. I’d link to my serious face, but it’s just too scary to share, actually.

My working has been especially good for Dude. He’s had to do a lot, by himself, without mommy holding his hand. He opened up a checking account. He is taking care of my Amazon book store. He taxis his little brother all over town. He’s going to college three times a week.

And he got his driver’s license renewed – ALL BY HIMSELF.

I gave him a brief overview of what to expect and said, “you have until March 25th to get it done. Bye.”

I wondered if he would do it. I suggested that maybe Kevin needed to take him and “just show him what to do the first time.”

But Dude refused Kevin’s help. He picked out a day that Kevin and I were busy and he got it done. By himself.

And I saw the renewed license to prove it.

He even paid for it with his own money.

I know this may not sound like a big deal to most of you, but we’re talking about the son who is afraid of his own shadow. The son who would rather crawl under a rock than talk to you. The son who would duck into a dark alley to avoid making eye contact you. He’s timid, shy and very, very interoverted, though I’m not so sure about that last part anymore. He really seems to be growing up and it took removing me from the equation for that to happen.

I’ll try and not take offense to that.

But honestly, I was so proud of him!! And I told him, in a very understated, “cool mom” sort of way. But inside I was screaming with excitement! Maybe now, NOW, finally, my son would finally grow up.

He was proud to show me his new license. He was also proud to show me that he’s now an organ donor.

And that part shocked the hell out of me. This is the son who nearly barfs when he finds a hair in his food.

And he’s going to donate his organs?!?

I was immediately proud and ashamed at the same time. I was proud of him for doing something so GROWN UP. And kind. And generous. And GIVING.

And I was ashamed of myself because I am not an organ donor. And neither is Kevin. Though we’ve both talked about it several times – we’ve just never done anything about it.

My oldest son taught me something – it’s time to put my convictions where my mouth is. I’ve been standing up to this flu shot fiasco, it’s time to sign on the dotted line and be an organ donor.

I wish I could relay to you how HUGE this organ donor thing is to Dude. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought the boy, excuse me, THE MAN, would be capable of making that decision. This is the son who is deathly afraid of heights, of flying and roller coasters.

And has voluntarily become an organ donor.

But you want to know a secret? Though I’m surprised he’s taken this first step toward adulthood, I was sort of expecting it. Because even though I gave birth to this boy, raised him, drilled him so hard on spelling words that he cried and begged me to stop his entire second and third grade of school, and for all the talk of “knowing him,” I’m not sure I do. Not really.

I have a feeling my first born is just getting started and I can’t WAIT to see what else he’s capable of.

Life, Parenting

Giving Up Before He Even Gets Started

Karen

I had an interesting conversation with Dude this morning.

Actually. It started with an explosion. Most of our conversations start with an explosion between me and Dude. We both have tempers and all it takes is a spark to ignite those tempers and *BOOM*, off we go.

I had to unplug the Internet because he was throwing a fit about losing a game and that was the only way I could bring him back to reality.

Whenever he loses a game, he has a meltdown. He starts cursing and generally being an asshole. His reaction alarms me, actually. He gets SO upset whenever he loses a game.

A game. Something that doesn’t mean squat in the big picture.

I was waiting for my hair to dry so I could style it this morning when I heard him cursing in his room. Our internet connection was slow and it was making his game laggy.

Finally, I couldn’t handle it anymore and I unplugged the ‘net thinking that would calm him down.

It only made it worse. He was worried that since he abruptly disappeared and he was losing at the time, the game administrators would think he was bailing instead of sticking around and taking the loss on his record and ban him from the game.

Understandable.

But his reaction was really over the top.

When I asked him WHY he gets so upset over games, he said that it was because losing meant failing and when he failed at the ONLY THING HE WAS GOOD AT IN LIFE, it made him feel worse.

It hurts my heart whenever he talks like this. Honestly. I feel physically wounded whenever he talks about feeling like a failure.

Another example was yesterday in the office. I was asking him about his dream job. If he could do anything in the world, what would it be?

Instead of answering, he just shrugged and said, “what does it matter? It’ll never happen anyway. I’m not smart enough to get my dream job.”

*STAB* Seriously. It was if someone had stabbed me in the heart, it hurt THAT MUCH to hear him talking about himself like that.

So today, I “lectured” him. And not lectured in the traditional sense, but lectured him with the intention of showing him that he was completely wrong about himself. I didn’t yell at him. I kept my cool, but there were a few times I nearly broke down and cried. It really hurts my heart to see him so down on himself. He doesn’t have any confidence in himself, at all. He thinks he’s a loser and why should he try if he’s only going to fail?

I really don’t know why he feels this way. Maybe it’s because Kevin and I gave him everything he could possibly want in life, therefore, everything that he’s wanted has come easy for him and the thought of working for something, and possibly not succeeding, scares him. Maybe he’s jealous of his little brother, who is good at music and seems to already have an idea of what he wants to do with his life after he graduates. Maybe it’s because he hasn’t really “discovered” his talents yet and this is largely due to the fact that he hasn’t TRIED anything yet.

And yes, I told him that.

Dude talks as if he’s an 80-year old man looking back on his life and being supremely disappointed in himself.

He’s 18 years old!! He’s still just a kid in every way but physically. He hasn’t even gotten out there yet to see what he’s made of. He can’t be a failure because he hasn’t TRIED to do anything yet!

He’s given up before he has gotten started.

And yes, I told him all of that.

He’s such a WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING. And I’m not just saying that because he’s my son, but because it’s TRUE. He’s kind, gentle and so much smarter than he gives himself credit for, both in personality and abilities. He has so much to offer the world and one day the world will realize it and appreciate him.

Yes. I told him all of that.

I also told him that Kevin and I have always done everything for him because we love him. That we will always love him through all of his successes and failures. That there was nothing he could do, or not do, that would ever change the fact that we loved him. Dude expects to never fail in life and when that happens, he just gives up, thinking he’s a failure at everything. It’s mathematically impossible for a person to succeed in everything he/she does. Everyone fails at one point in his/her life. Some people fail more than others. But it’s what people DO with that failure that really defines them as a person.

If there’s one thing I really admire about Kevin is that he never gives up. Ever. Even when he probably should. He’s like a bulldog when it comes to some things and about 95% of the time, he conquers whatever the problem was. My next question is, how do I make Dude see this? How do I teach Dude not to give up on himself before he’s even gotten started? I realize that I probably can’t teach him these things, that he will likely have to go out into the big, bad world and learn these things for himself. But I’m hoping that by telling him these things now, and by making sure he understands that Kevin and I love him, unconditionally, that we’re here to help him but we can’t hand him his future, he’s going to have to want it, and work for it, that that will convince him to at least TRY to step out into the world and pursue whatever it is he wants to pursue.

In some ways, in a lot of ways, I’m SO GRATEFUL for this upcoming job. In addition to being excited to getting back out into the working world and making money again, I think it’s going to be really good for Dude. I won’t be around to lean on anymore. He won’t be able to gauge his emotions/moods/actions off of me anymore. He’ll be forced to stand on his own two feet because he doesn’t depend on Kevin like he depends on me. I catch Dude watching me all the time and often times, whether he’s aware of it or not, he mimics me in so many ways.

He’s always done this.

So I think my not being around might be the best thing for him. He’ll be FORCED to deal with things on his own. Mommy won’t be there to hold his hand or do things for him anymore. Even though I’ve tried NOT to do these things over the past several years, and I’ve made a lot of progress, still, I was there. And this is not to say that I won’t be there for him now that I’m working, but there will be large pockets of time I will be physically absent and he’ll have no choice but to do things on his own.

He doesn’t act this way with Kevin, so I’m not worried about him transferring all of these dependent feelings on to him. And I also think it’s a man thing – Dude just acts more like a man around Kevin.

I’m confident that Kevin will help him find a job without holding his hand while doing it. Having Dude come up to the office during the weekdays has been HUGELY successful. I can already tell a difference in Dude’s demeanor. He still has a long way to go, but I can see we’re making progress and I’m encouraged.

In addition to my absence being a good thing for Dude, I’ll be setting an example for him, too. I told him this morning that I was pretty nervous about starting my new job; he looked surprised by that admission. I often wonder if I can handle it, if I’ll do a good job, if my co-workers will like me, etc. But I refuse to give in to that fear, I refuse to allow that fear to control my life. I told him that everyone feels nervous starting something new, that that was normal. But if we gave into that fear, then we’d all be stuck at home in the fetal position sucking our thumbs.

Being nervous was part of growing up – it just comes with the territory.

So. We’ll see how this whole thing shakes out. I pray that he can get a job fairly soon and that it’s in an industry that he can enjoy and learn from. And who knows, maybe he can advance within that industry and do what he really wants to do, which is computers.

But he won’t KNOW if that’s even possible until he TRIES.

“Success means having the courage, the determination, and the will to become the person you believe you were meant to be”

Can We Talk?, Parenting

Are People Being Too Sensitive About This Ad?

Karen

So this ad from Land’s End apparently has some mothers up-in-arms:

They say it’s too suggestive and provocative – the way the girls are standing, the way the boys are looking at each other as if to say, “hubba hubba.”

And I’m having a hard time … seeing it. Maybe I’m missing something, but other than the lollipop (which could be construed as suggestive given how the girl has it in her mouth, which, okay, I can buy that, I guess), what’s the big deal?

I have a bigger problem with the girls’ clothing more than the way they are standing. Do girls that age really need to wear clothing that short? (Don’t even get me started on shortie-shorts and mini-skirts that hardly cover the pubic bone). And given the way the girls are standing, doesn’t that length just make it look even more inappropriate?

But as far as the poses, I really don’t have a problem with it. It just looks to me like the girls are being sassy (actually, the girls look like they are giving each other fake “I’m being nice, only I’m not” smiles) and the boys look mischievous – like they’re plotting, telepathically, to take away their backpacks or something.

In other words, the boys are getting ready to torment the girls because they think they’re cute and that’s how boys show girls they like them at that age and the girls are trying to pretend they don’t notice the boys but are very aware of their presence, hence the flirty, cutesy poses.

Normal girl-boy interaction, in my opinion.

I just don’t see anything that outrageous about this picture that warrants contacting Land’s End and making a huge fuss about it.

Though after this mother (and perhaps others, I don’t know), complained, Land’s End did take the lollipop away and post this picture instead:

(That wasn’t good enough, I guess, because they’re still complaining).

Maybe I would think differently if I hadn’t just read about the sexualization of THIS 10-year old girl.

Now THAT, my friends, is clearly wrong. Making our children look like grown-ups and posing in revealing clothing and in provocative poses all to sell a magazine is CLEARLY wrong. When you compare the pictures from this article with the picture above, well, there’s really no comparison.

(Or maybe I’ve gotten so desensitized that I don’t even see it anymore. Lord, I hope not).

But I understand being sensitive to this issue because I completely agree, that as a whole, the fashion industry has been steadily working toward making it seem like it’s normal for kids to act more like adults, and to wear more revealing clothes at a younger age which is CLEARLY NOT ACCEPTABLE, on any level. And I agree, we need to stamp out this “trend” immediately. Our kids grow up way too fast today as it is, we certainly don’t need companies helping to speed up the process. (And that’s not even touching on how that affects our children when it comes to body issues, etc).

Then again, parents need to stop buying too-short-revealing-inappropriate clothing for their tweens, too. If no one buys the product, then they naturally go away. That’s how it works in business – no profits, no products.

Of course, it’s easy for me to say that because I don’t have girls and I have never had to deal with the whole trying to buy appropriate clothing for girls issue – maybe finding appropriate clothing for girls is harder than I think it is?

But that’s just my two cents, for what it’s worth.

What do you think?

Are people being too sensitive about this ad? Am I missing something?

Parenting

I Over Parented My Child

Karen

So, I read this article the other day and I’ve been sort of obsessing about it ever since.

How to Land Your Kid in Therapy: Why the obsession with our kids’ happiness may be dooming them to unhappy adulthoods. A therapist and mother reports.

I know. Loaded title, right?

In essence, it talks about this therapist’s experience with a number of patients that she can’t quite figure out. After all, the point of her profession was to “’re-parent’” our patients, to provide a ‘corrective emotional experience’ in which they would unconsciously transfer their early feelings of injury onto us, so we could offer a different response, a more attuned and empathic one than they got in childhood.”

In other words, walk messed up clients through a crappy childhood and introduce them to normal.

Bad parents generally equals screwed up children.

I get that.

But what was interesting to this therapist about this latest batch of patients was that, they didn’t appear to have a problem with their parents.

These 20/30 somethings “suffered from depression and anxiety, had difficulty choosing or committing to a satisfying career path, struggled with relationships, and just generally felt a sense of emptiness or lack of purpose—yet they had little to quibble with about Mom or Dad.”

So what was the problem? Why weren’t they happy?

So this thearpist thought, “Was it possible these parents had done too much?”

Here I was, seeing the flesh-and-blood results of the kind of parenting that my peers and I were trying to practice with our own kids, precisely so that they wouldn’t end up on a therapist’s couch one day. We were running ourselves ragged in a herculean effort to do right by our kids—yet what seemed like grown-up versions of them were sitting in our offices, saying they felt empty, confused, and anxious. Back in graduate school, the clinical focus had always been on how the lack of parental attunement affects the child. It never occurred to any of us to ask, what if the parents are too attuned? What happens to those kids?

I often wonder if that is my problem. Did I do too much for Dude? (I’m not that worried about Jazz mainly because his personality is so much different than Dude’s). I was a good mom, not a great mom, but a pretty good mom. I think.

I hope.

But did I DO too much for the boy? Now that we’re at a point in his life where he must step away from mommy and do something on his own, he’s scared to death. I can see it in his body language and I can hear it in his voice whenever we discuss his future.

I’ve done SO much for the kid that now that it’s time for him to do something on his own, he simply doesn’t know how.

I did TOO MUCH. I was one of those parents who was simply there TOO MUCH.

I know this, and I take full responsibility for this. I’ve even apologized to Dude for this. I just wanted to make things easy for him, and I did make things easy for him, TOO MUCH. The boy really has never endured a hardship his entire life and by wanting everything for him, I robbed him of the one thing he really needs to be successful in life: initiative.

I’m afraid Dude feels “empty, confused and anxious” because I’ve not allowed him to fight for things growing up and now that I’m no longer willing to hold his hand through this next transition, he’s feeling lost and scared.

I’m feeling all sorts of guilty here. My mom warned me that I was doing too much for him years ago, and though I heard her, and I agreed with her, I couldn’t seem to help myself. Now, I’m afraid we’re both paying the price of my hovering.

It’s time for Dude to grow up and get a job. But I find that I can not allow myself to get involved in this process. I don’t want him to look back on this time period and accuse me of choosing his career for him. He needs to make these decisions on his own. And because I’ve always made Dude’s decisions for him, he’s floundering. Because of me.

I’ve talked to Kevin about this and I’ve done the unthinkable – I’ve handed the reins of control over to him. Whenever I’m frustrated with a situation, I tend to get angry. My voice raises because I’m annoyed and whenever I’m like that, Dude shuts down. He withdrawals into a safe little corner and waits out the storm. So I know, me trying to help him get a job and move on with his life is just not the best thing for him.

He needs his father. He needs a man to help him step out into the big, bad world and be a man. He needs a man to teach him the importance of doing something with his life, of pursuing a career and making enough money to possibly one day support a wife and children.

I sort of feel like my job is done. I sustained him the first 18 years, I saw him through high school, now it’s time for Kevin to step in and steer him onto a different course. I mean, I’ll always be his mama. I’ll always be here for him if he needs me. But right now, I think he needs his father’s guidance more than mine.

And you know what? I’m okay with that. I’m READY to let go of him. I’m READY for him to get a job, save up some money and move out on his own. I’m even looking forward to the day he moves and I can help him set up his own apartment. (See? There I go again, trying to make things easy for him. I guess I’ll help him if he WANTS my help).

Kevin made Dude list ten places he might possibly like to work. (He actually listed 12, and no, I didn’t look at the list. Kevin has asked me to step back and let him handle this. Though it’s hard to let go, I’m also relieved. It’s nice having someone else make the decisions). He then asked Dude to list five things he might want to be when he grew up.

Then he asked him to rate the jobs he listed – which would he really like to have, and which did he not really care that much about. He suggested that he apply at those jobs that he wasn’t that interested in first, just to give him practice applying places. (Smart!)

Then, they talked about his long-term goals. So he wanted to do something with computers. How could he go about achieving that goal? They talked about possibly taking a computer networking class at a vocational college in the spring. (Smart!)

Kevin is a man of action – I tend to just loudly lecture about things. Kevin gets things done. And that’s what Dude needs right now – he needs a plan of action. He needs to act.

He filled out an application last night. And after discussing possible references, he settled on two people for his references and then went about contacting them for information (and permission) to list them on his application. Kevin is giving Dude a chance to drive up to the place himself and turn in his application. If he stalls, then Kevin is prepared to drive him there himself and wait in the car while Dude walks in and turns the application in.

It’s frustrating to me that Dude requires a push IN EVERYTHING the boy does. But again, it’s partly my fault. I sort of TRAINED him to be that way. Now, we need to work on BREAKING that life-long habit. I’m sure it won’t be easy.

I pray that Dude doesn’t grow up feeling “empty, confused and anxious” because of me.

The good news, at least according to Donald Winnicott, the influential English pediatrician and child psychiatrist, was that you didn’t have to be a perfect mother to raise a well-adjusted kid. You just had to be, to use the term Winnicott coined, a “good-enough mother.”

I tried to do my best for the boy – and my best may have been too much.

P.S. I found some other articles about over parenting:

Overparenting: When good intentions go too far, kids can suffer
The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting
The End of Over-Parenting?

Can We Talk?, Parenting

Unsolicited Parenting Advice

Karen

Why do you care how I parent my child?

Vodpod videos no longer available.


(RSS Readers – there’s a video. Had to import it via VodPod. I wish VodPod would get on the ball and make it so their transported videos were viewable in readers. My apologizes).

I’ll be the first to admit, I judge other mothers. I try not to, but we all judge on some level. But I rarely, if ever, call a mother out for something she’s doing, or not doing, because A. it’s none of my business and B. I don’t know her, her child, or the situation.

I think I judge because I’m in the same boat and/or I’ve been there, done that and feel like I handled it, though not necessarily the best way. (I have regrets – ho boy, do I have some parenting regrets).

I judge because I’m an experienced mom and I can draw on that experience and think, “there is such a better way of doing that.” Or, “That is a terrible habit to start.” Or, “Oh wow, they’re going to regret giving in so much when that child gets older.”

I think other parents care because of a genuine need to help. It hurts my heart to see a young, frazzled mom out and at a complete loss as to how to control, or soothe, an agitated child. I would love to stop that mom and give her some advice because I was there, I went through that, and I have ideas on how to make it better.

But of course I don’t do that because again, A. it’s none of my business and B. I don’t know her, her child, or the situation.

I think other parents care because they don’t want to see other parents make the same mistakes as they did when confronted by the same issues. They want to protect other parents from going down the same road, and suffering the same heartache and/or guilt that comes from making a wrong decision. It’s a “learn from my mistakes” sort of instinct, I think.

I think other parents care because pointing out someone else’s flaws makes them feel better about their own parenting skills. It’s petty and despicable, and I’m not condoning that “holier than thou” attitude, but it’s a human reaction and one we must control and correct.

I think other parents care because they see potential health risks (like mentioning the child should be wearing a hat when being pushed out into hot, direct sunlight). It’s hard to see a child physically suffer when the fix is so easy.

I think other parents care because they think the young parents don’t know any better. Maybe that mom honestly doesn’t know that putting a hat on her child is protecting her soft, sensitive head.

I think other parents care because these children are our future. Because correcting behavioral problems when they’re young is so much easier than trying to break the mold and start over when they’re in their teens. Bright, disciplined, respectful, considerate children generally grow up to be productive and responsible adults.

All of these are parenting instincts – we’re parents, we should all stick together sort of mentality – they’re natural reactions to situations we’ve experienced – we want to help. But pushing that advice on to other people is not the way to do it. It comes off as rude, intrusive, and snotty and it’s certainly an unwelcome intrusion into something so personal as parenting and our children. Especially at a time when we’re feeling frazzled and unsure how to handle the situation and definitely not receptive to outside “help”. Those young parents KNOW something is not right but they just haven’t processed how to handle it.

It’s like trying something new and you’re concentrating on figuring it out for yourself – you’re trying out different ways of achieving the goal and some know-it-all comes along and solves the problem for you. There’s no satisfaction out of that. There’s no sense of triumph that you handled it all by yourself.

No one likes to be shown up, in any situation.

Then the unsolicited advice comes along and there’s a sense of embarrassment that A. the parent wasn’t strong, or wise, enough to handle the situation on his/her own, and B. all eyes are on them and everything from that point on is center stage and being scrutinized.

It’s just not that much fun to be in the spotlight in uncertain and embarrassing situations.

I am learning to be more patient with young parents. I’m also the type of person to come to a young mom’s defense in stores whenever her child is acting up and other people around her are being rude or hostile. Whenever I see a frazzled mom, I try and catch her eye, give her an encouraging smile and simply say, “I’ve been there.” It’s my way of offering help without being in her face. If it looks like she wants to talk, then I will pause to talk. If she wants advice, then I will give her advice. But often times, she will simply return the smile and I can see the relief in her eyes that someone knows what she’s going through and she’s not alone in her frustration and exasperation.

It’s a lesson that once again, we parents need to be encouraging to one another and to control the judging. Especially when we don’t know the whole situation or the people involved.

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual – we’re all winging it – we’re all in this together. It’s time we started supporting each other.

ADDED: Here’s a really good article about judging moms right here. Seriously ya’ll, I know some of your hearts are in the right place, but it’s time to stop with the over-the-top judging. Children are not made of glass – thank God.