Tag: family

Reflections

January 2025 Reflections

Karen

Jan 1

Boys and LeRoy came over last night. We played a few games of Lords of Waterdeep, (one of my all-time favorite board games), and watched Wayne’s World – a classically stupid movie. Slept until 8:00 this morning, fought a sinus headache for a bit this morning, then made myself take the Christmas tree down. I put it up early November so to say I’m sick of looking at it – yeah. Kevin took the outside lights down, too. It’s supposed to turn bitter cold this weekend and into next week, so it’s better just to get it done. I’m still hacking my fool head off, though I have been coughing up junk, (sorry – TMI but keeping it real here). I should get the antibiotics I ordered from the Family Pharmacy tomorrow. I’m still not sure if I’m going to take them as I’m not entirely convinced it’s a bacterial infection, but it’s been over a week now, I’m still pretty stuffed up, coughing and … it’s not going away if it’s bacterial. We’ll see. It IS nice to know that antibiotics are available without having to see a doctor. Just be careful with that – you don’t want to take too many antibiotics.

Jan 2

The antibiotics I ordered came in the mail today. They came in an orange bottle, just like if you had picked up the medication from the pharmacy – which, I suppose, shouldn’t have surprise me, I bought it from a pharmacy, for pete’s sake. I didn’t know what to expect, but it seemed pretty normal. I haven’t taken them – I’m still stuffy, but my snot is still clear (sorry – TMI), which means, I don’t think I have a bacterial infection and if it’s not bacterial, there is no reason for me to take antibiotics. But it’s nice to have them – it gives me peace of mind to know that I have them, just in case. I literally wore a hole in my fitted bed sheet. I ordered some new sheets from Amazon, they are supposed to be hotel quality – we’ll see. (P.S. – I actually really like them). I regret not buying the boys sheets and pillows for Christmas now. They’re guys – there’s no telling what kind of shape their bedding is in and that’s something we all hate to spend money on – most of us, anyway.

Jan 3

We were freaking busy today. Being the first of the year, and all of the insurance changes, we were kept quite busy running new insurance for testing. I have decided that I do not like working the first week of January – maybe I’ll take it off next year. Still haven’t taken the antibiotics …

Jan 4

Mom and I had our standing Saturday date. It was SO GOOD to see her! It had been two weeks due to us being sick – I didn’t want to get her sick because what ever I had, (maybe it was COVID, who knows, don’t care), I certainly didn’t want to pass it on to mom or the boys. We ate at Jimmy Egg, which is a breakfast/lunch place. I had the chicken quesadilla and it was delish! We will definitely be putting that restaurant into our Saturday rotation from now on. Went back to mom’s house, watched Survivor and crafted. Mom made some shortbread cookies with a dollop of blackberry jelly in the center – SO GOOD. My family has become her guinea pigs – she loves to try new recipes and I get to take home the goods afterward. Sometimes I share with the guys … sometimes not. hehe We talked a lot about going on a cruise – she would need to get a passport, first. She acts interested but, I’m not sure if we’re there yet. Close, but not yet. I asked her if she could go anywhere, where would she like to go? She chose Alaska. GOOD CHOICE!

Jan 6

Had a meeting with just me, the supervisors and the manager. She wanted me to show her an issue in our process that everyone insisted we continue to do because it made sense for our process when the Asst. Director of the department kept insisting we didn’t need to do it. It’s so frustrating to work with a management team that make “policies” that actually hurt our process and slow us down. It’s incredibly frustrating to work with a management team that do not truly get what we do and yet they think they know best on how we should do it. I like all of these ladies, don’t get me wrong, and I appreciate the opportunity to explain why we should continue to do this specific process to them, but overall, I feel like I have to fight just to do my job. I think I got through to our manager, maybe – we’ll see. The bottom line? I’m going to continue to do what I’m doing – screw it. I don’t care. It doesn’t make sense to change it. Since a number of flu cases have gone up, the hospital has implemented the mask policy for the nasty “unvaccinated” workers. I’m SO GLAD I’m not at the hospital right now. Such BS.

Jan 8

One of the supervisors used me as a guinea pig today. She wanted to test out a new “dot phrase” in an effort to make our documentation uniform and consistent. I’m all about this – it’s amazing how all over the board we are with our documentation and I’m sure it’s confusing and frustrating for the clinics to try and figure out what they are reading and get the information they need to take care of their patients. A dot phrase is a quick text – something that you can input, for example, type in .document and a pre-determined phrase comes up in the patient’s chart. This quick text is a template that we can fill in with the necessary information about the test that we ran through the patient’s insurance and let the offices know the outcome. I was also asked to be part of a “focus” group to help my co-workers navigate our new electronic medical record (EMR) system that the hospital is gearing up to start using in March of next year. It will be an EPIC change. (Epic is actually the name of our EMR we’re getting ready to switch to). Again – very honored to have been asked to do this – I think my Technical Writing skills will come in handy for this project. I won’t be writing anything, at least, I don’t think I will be, but taking information and regurgitating it into comprehensive information that the worker bees can understand … I’m pretty good at that. So – we’ll see. I have no idea what my involvement will look like, but I’m looking forward to getting involved. Left the house, for the first time in three days, to grab some Qdoba for lunch. It felt good to leave the house. Also – starting to seriously think/plan our vacation plans for 2025.

Jan 9

To my utter surprise, Kevin is not keen to go on a cruise this year. !! I was pretty shocked to hear him say that. I don’t think it’s the cruise, per se, I think it’s more the flying part that he doesn’t want to do. Flying is stressful, there’s no doubt about that. But still … no cruise?? Maybe I can convince mom to say yes to the cruise. She’s soooo close! I think it would be fun to go on a cruise and never leave the ship. Take a route that we’ve already done and I’m not really interested in seeing again, like the Western Carribean cruises – those ports are a little scary, not gonna lie, and instead of spending money on excursions, like we normally do, spend that money on a cabin upgrade, or on a VIP package where we have access to more private places on the boat – not open to the general public. I think that would be so fun! I’m just not sure if Kev would be up for it – when it actually came time and we were sitting in a port, I think he would feel like he was missing out on something by not leaving the ship. I don’t know, I’m not giving up on that idea. We’ll see. For now, we’re talking about maybe flying down to South Padre Island in Texas and staying in a cabin on the beach. It’s pretty expensive, but we’re seriously thinking about it!

Jan 10

We got 5 inches of snow today!

That’s the most we’ve gotten in a long time. If we get snow, it’s usually just a few inches and a lot of times, it’s not even snow we get, but ice. We get a lot of ice in my area of the country. Luckily, we only got the snow. Times like this is SOOOO NICE to work from home. I don’t have to worry/stress about getting out in this mess. It’s pretty, but only because I don’t have to get out in it. I opened my big mouth to my supervisor and offered to help her with other projects. She seemed pretty stressed about other teams needing some serious help and stupid me was like, “Hey! I can help!” So, of course, she took me up on that offer. I wish I could just be one of these employees that everyone forgets about – someone who just sort of lingers in the background, you know the ones – we all work with people like that. But alas – no – I have to open my big mouth. So – I will be helping Therapy fill out some paperwork to help them get caught up. It’s not hard, just fax some forms, but still … it’s okay – we’re really not that busy and I would rather stay busy. I text mom today to ask if she had found her birth certificate so we could get the passport process started. It was sort of a test to see how serious she was about us going on a cruise. To my UTTER surprise – she said she found it and it was in her purse! OMG!!!! We’re going on a cruise!!

Jan 11

I braved the elements, got out, picked up mom and me some nuggets and chili from Wendys and went to her house today. The roads actually weren’t that bad. The main roads are clear, just the side roads were a challenge. But the Jeep got around really well, so it wasn’t that big of a deal. (Did I tell ya’ll that we leased a Jeep??

Brand new, 2024 all blue Jeep. We leased her back in October for 3 1/2 years. Who knows if we’ll keep her after the lease is up – we’ve never done this before – call it a mid-life crisis splurge – OMG – I love driving her!! Yes – it’s a her. Use the correct pronouns, please. **SMIRK**). Mom was happy to see me. We watched our Survivor episodes and chit chatted about our cruise the rest of the time. Mom is going to make an appointment to apply for her passport at the post office. We did a lot of researching on my laptop together. She wants to go to Alaska, so now we’re looking at cruises to Alaska. Kevin and I took a cruise to Alaska about five-ish (?) years ago so I know what to expect. That ended up being one of our favorite cruises together. It’s funny, because when I first suggested Alaska to Kevin he wasn’t all the gung-ho about it but once we went, it ended up being one of his top three cruises. I jumped down a rabbit hole …. and bought a Traveler’s notebook. I’ve always wanted one. I just wish I had started this years ago … I could have had so many notebooks filled out with all our vacations and trips! Oh well, better late than never, I suppose.

Jan 22

What am I going to do when I retire? Kev asked me that today and honestly, I don’t have an answer. I like to work, I like the push to get something done, I like the mental stimulation. I like having a purpose and a goal. I love the feeling of accomplishment and the feeling of a job well done. I know me, I’m lazy. If I don’t have a goal, some deadline, something to work toward, I will spend countless hours in front of my computer watching gamers game, or jump down YouTube videos. (I have to mark “not interested” on YouTube shorts – otherwise, I spend HOURS just needless scrolling … ). Technically, I can retire in a little over two years. It would be nice to have my time back, but we would have to think of some options for health insurance since Kev is currently on my health insurance. Kev can get on Medicare in a few years, but I still have a ways to go for that. For now, I will likely continue to work, though, it will be nice to have the option of retiring at any time after 62. I don’t know – it’s something I need to seriously think about.

Jan 24

Crazy busy day today. Richelle was already off, April signed off after a few hours of starting because of a migraine, which left me and Cheri W until Cherie C and Lori clocked on at 12:30. And Fridays have not been quiet here lately. We were able to keep our heads above water, but it was a lot. We currently work 72 hours out, management is talking about adding more days on to our “window,” which means possibly working four or five days out. I’m all for it, we certainly have enough people. I’m ready to be busier.

Jan 25

One of mom’s friends text her to ask if we might want a “vintage” chest of drawers to either use or put in Kevin’s booths. I contacted Kev and he said he would take it so mom’s friend and her husband dropped it off at the house. Kevin still has three booths in the flea market. He toggles between wanting to keep them, downsize or get rid of them entirely, it IS a lot of work for him to go out several times a week to not only replenish his “inventory” but to make trips to his booths to rotate stock, add to his stock, etc. But believe it or not, he not only makes his rent every month, but he makes a tidy profit on top of that. He does pretty good business. Probably because he and LeRoy find some unique pieces and I think he has a reputation for selling interesting stuff. Mom and I have a “treat” after lunch every week. Usually, the person hosting makes muffins or cookies but this week we went to Hurt’s Donuts – we bought two donuts and it cost $6.00! What?! Uh – they were good, but not $6.00 good. Yeah, we won’t be doing that again. Wow.

Jan 26

Weather is looking decent for our trip to the Pinner’s Conference this weekend. It’s always a gamble to plan a road trip at the end of January – especially in the Midwest. Our weather is so unpredictable. I looked at my Hotels.com account and had a butt pucker moment – oh stop – you know what I’m talking about, those moments when your heart drops to your feet, because I didn’t see the hotel reservation on my account. I KNOW I booked it back in August or September. I called the hotel to confirm our reservation and they told me we were good to go – they had us booked. I then remembered that I had booked the hotel through Kev’s account and when I signed on to his account, yep, there it was. Whew!! Mom is really looking forward to this trip, if something had happened to our hotel then I would have to find another, more expensive alternative because there was no way we weren’t going to go.

Jan 27

Our department is downsizing, we have too many people and not enough work. I KNEW this was going to happen and I tried to tell management we didn’t need any more people, but of course, they didn’t listen. They are moving some people around to other groups and I think a few of them are quitting. I need to make myself indispensable so I have more control over my own “options.”

Jan 30

We’re heading to Pinner’s! I’ll write another post about that soon(ish).

Life

Christmas Postponed … For the Second Time

Karen

And it was all my fault – both times.

The year was 2010 – and it was a tough year for our family. Kevin had his motorcycle accident, (the ER doctor said his pelvis was a “bag ‘O glass”), in April 2020 and by Christmas time, I couldn’t pass gas or have a bowel movement. (TMI, but we’re friends here, right?)

I remember being SO UNCOMFORTABLE when we went to Brandon’s Christmas concert at school, (he played the saxophone in band/Jazz), and I thought I was going to explode. I looked six months pregnant. I felt like a walking whale.

I couldn’t stand it anymore and went to the ER. They gave me a bunch of laxatives, kept me for a bit, nothing happened, they sent me home.

Let me repeat that, they pumped me full of laxatives and nothing happened. Now, my gut is full of liquid crap with no way to exit … after about a day of feeling like I was going to implode, I went back to the ER. They did a colonoscopy and prepped me for emergency surgery.

I had a blockage.

I mean – DUH. I tried to tell them that the last time I was in, but whatever, I was about to be fixed. The doc said, “No problem. The scar will only be about six inches long – you can still wear that bikini.”

DUDE – you clearly haven’t met me. This body hasn’t ever seen a bikini and never will, but I appreciated the positive attitude.

This all happened right smack dab during Christmas. I had my surgery shortly before Christmas and was in the hospital Christmas Eve/Christmas day. And my incision? Was gigantic. It went from the bottom of my belly button to nearly my lady bits.

I’m no math wizard, but my incision was CLEARLY longer than six inches. And I was stapled, so that was unbearably uncomfortable. But I pooped …. boy howdy, did I poop – eight times in the hospital, to be exact. And it was GLORIOUS. lol

It wasn’t until my post-op appointment w/ the general surgeon that flayed me open did I learn why my incision was much bigger than anticipated. I had not one, but TWO twists in my intestines and they ended up removing nearly three feet of intestine.

So. That was fun.

But being in the hospital during Christmas was awful, and sad. And I don’t wish that experience on anyone. (Don’t recommend having your intestines removed, either).

The boys were in high school when his happened. So, they were disappointed but it wasn’t like they missed a visit from Santa. I got home on the 27th and we had a late Christmas at that time.

Fast forward to now.

We had our family Christmas party on the 22nd. My family came over to our house – it was our boys, my mom, my brother and his family, and my sister’s sons. Mom brought over her signature “goodies”, (i.e. cookies, fudge, peanut butter cups, snowballs, etc- all homemade, by the way)., and Kevin and I made tacos, with all the trimmings, and little smokies. Mom brought over macaroni and potato salad. It was quite the spread (and I stressed about not having enough food … we had juuuust enough food).

After we ate, we played our (now) traditional Saran Wrap Ball game. Mom wraps up a bunch of small gifts, money and this time, she put numbers in the mix, up into a giant Saran Wrap ball. One person unwraps the ball, (you can’t tear it!), while another person rolls a pair of dice and tries to roll a double. Once a double has been rolled, the person unwrapping the ball must stop and hand it off to the next person while also handing off the dice to the next person to roll another double. It sounds easy, and it is, but the game actually lasts much longer than you think. When a prize falls out of the ball, the person unwrapping the ball can keep the prize.

The numbers are for picking a gift after the game is over. Everyone brought a “gag” gift with them to the party and after the ball had been completely unwrapped, we went down the line, starting at one, and people picked a gift of their choice. Other players had the option of stealing gifts along the way.

It was a lot of fun and I think everyone enjoyed themselves. I filmed the game while Kevin looked on.

But during the game, Kevin said he started to feel sick. I had no idea this was happening and I felt fine but when Monday rolled around, Kevin was down. He had a 101.9 fever and he was pretty much comatose. I made sure he was drinking fluids, giving him Tylenol and putting a wet cloth on his forehead to cool him down, but I felt fine, save for a dry cough.

Christmas Eve rolled around and yep … I’m feeling sick. I had chills and a fever but my fever never got as high as Kevin’s. We had to contact mom and the boys and let them know not to come over. We didn’t want to take the chance of infecting them, especially since we were running fevers. Kevin still had a slight fever on Christmas Eve, but not as bad as Monday.

By Christmas day, I was down. It had settled in my lungs and sinuses and I was coughing up a storm. Still a dry cough, but more consistent. We contacted the boys and had to tell them we needed to postpone Christmas.

What a terrible, sinking feeling that is to have to cancel something that people are looking forward to. I not only felt physically terrible, I just felt terrible, period, for being the reason it had to happen.

By Friday, my sinuses were a solid block of concrete – I couldn’t even blow a puff of air out of either nostril. I don’t know what happened, or what triggered such a reaction, but it was terrible. And of course, it happened while I was on the phone with my supervisor because yes, I still worked during this time. I didn’t feel bad enough to be bed bound and I work from home so … why not?

Neither one of us went to the doctor, and we’re still recovering though to be honest, neither of us are at 100% yet, (I’m still coughing up crap and sinuses are still pretty stuffy), but we were pretty sure we had the flu. Maybe it was COVID? Who knows. It doesn’t really matter at this point, I’m just GRATEFUL that no one else seemed to have gotten sick after the party and I’m especially grateful that my elderly mother didn’t catch anything. Getting sick, in general, is terrible and a challenge, but when you’re an elderly person, it can be really bad and this virus? Was pretty bad.

So, Christmas 2024 was a bust. It was a huge let down but what can you do? Viruses are out there and though you can make healthy life choices and cut down the number of times you get sick, you can’t avoid getting sick entirely. All you can do is get through it and try not to pass it on to another person.

How was your Christmas?

At the Moment

Merry Christmas … Again?!

Karen

The world is spinning too fast, I’d like to get off, please.

I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but seriously folks – IT’S TIME FOR CHRISTMAS AGAIN?!

Are you ready? I’m not, though I do have some gift ideas. The only people I really buy gifts for anymore is my mom and our boys. Which is silly, because the boys are 32 and 29, but you know how it is when you’re a parent – your kids will always be little in your mind.

We put the Christmas tree up right around my birthday, which is early November. I know, we’re THOSE people. But I don’t care. I feel like we get the tree up, don’t get a chance to enjoy it because we’re so busy with work and other obligations, Christmas happens and it’s time to take it down. Nope. We’re putting it up early November and keeping it up until New Year’s. We get six weeks to enjoy it.

Plus, it’s a lot of work and I hate doing work with little pay out.

What is up with Christmas lights? We’ve had two strands burn out on us so far this year. Kevin just pus another strand on, the tree is decorated and it’s too much of a pain to take everything off, change out lights, then put everything back on again. So. When it’s time to dismantle the tree, we’ll be peeling off about two extra sets of dead lights.

Fun.

But I suppose that’s like everything else – nothing is made like it used to be. We used to get four, or more, years out of a strand of Christmas lights, now we’re lucky if we get four, or more, weeks out of a strand of lights.

We’re planning a few Christmas parties. We’re supposed to go to Kevin’s family’s party on the 15th, then we’re having my family’s party on the 22nd. We’re having Kevin’s party at his parents’ clubhouse. It’s the clubhouse that everyone in the neighborhood uses. It’s a really nice space that comfortably houses everyone. It comes with a kitchen, too, so it’s really handy. We’re planning on having my family’s party at our house on the 22nd. I think mom would have liked to have the party at her house but our house is bigger.

Hopefully, I have my voice back by then. These past two weeks have been ROUGH for me. I left work/home to drive up to Wal-Mart because I needed a few things and as I was walking into the store, I got THAT feeling. You know, THAT feeling when you start to feel sick? I can’t even describe THAT feeling … just an overall pressure/heaviness that weighs down your entire body. And it came on HARD. I had been feeling a little run down before that and had loaded up on Vitamin C, Zinc and Zicam but apparently it wasn’t enough to stop the freight train that slammed into my entire body. I quickly got what I needed from Wal-Mart and came back home. I felt ok-ish for the rest of the day but by Tuesday, my throat was really sore and I had a dry cough.

Swell.

Wednesday, my sinuses started to thicken up and my voice was raspy, but still, I thought I would feel better by Thanksgiving.

Nope.

I woke up Thanksgiving day and felt like a dog had dug me up and treated me like a beloved chew toy. Yum. We were supposed to have Kevin’s parents, my mom, the boys and Leroy over for Thanksgiving dinner. Kevin had cooked the turkey the day before, but he went ahead and cooked the entire meal, by himself, the day of (God bless him), and he ended up taking food to his folks and having lunch with them while the boys took my mom some food and had lunch with her. It was just me and my germs at home.

Still though, I had a dry cough, I could barely speak, but I didn’t feel that bad, overall. I wasn’t in any shape to be around people, but I wasn’t feeling that bad.

The week after Thanksgiving, my cough turned phlegmy, heavy and loud. I was glad, actually, that meant whatever crap I had caught was finally started to break up. My body had figured out the key to this sickness lock and I had turned a corner. Monday, I could talk but it sounded like I had a cold, Tuesday, it was a little weaker, but I started training the new girl that day and I talked ALL DAY so by the time Wednesday rolled around, I could barely speak above a whisper. I had to train her via text, which was fun … not. (Reminder – I work from home and my company uses Microsoft Teams to communicate with one another). I trained via text pretty much the rest of the week.

It’s a good thing I’m a fast typist. The new girl was being nice, she said she didn’t mind it because it slowed us down, and she was right about that! But still, I felt guilty. I’ve NEVER had laryngitis this bad in my entire life. I felt fine otherwise, I just couldn’t talk.

Friday, mom picked me up and we drove up to the Middle School to set up her Christmas craft booth. It was only a one-day event but we went up the night before to set it up. I was fine until about halfway through the set up and then a wave of nausea hit me so hard I had to go outside, around the corner of the building and throw up. I felt better for about 15 minutes and then, it started to hit me again. Mom said I looked pretty bad so she could tell I wasn’t feeling well, so we left. Mom has a harder time seeing at night, so I drove my dad’s truck back to my house. As soon as we got to my house, I said bye and rushed into the house, straight to our bathroom and threw up two more times.

Dude. I don’t know. Again, I’m NEVER sick so by this time, I’m getting pretty annoyed with myself. I don’t know if I ate something bad? Or if it was because I hadn’t eaten anything before going up to the school and I’ve been pretty sedentary because I’ve been sick and it was the sudden physical activity, or maybe it was because I sucked on a cough drop on an empty stomach, maybe it was a combination of all these things, but after emptying my stomach, I felt loads better and I feel good today.

I have A voice, it’s not MY voice. It still sounds like I have a stuffy nose but at least I can talk, people can understand me and my throat is no longer sore. I had heard, from other people at work, that a sickness has been going around and it was affecting people’s voice boxes … who knows. All I know is I’m glad I’m back to semi-normal and life has resumed once again.

The craft show on Saturday went well. I woke up Saturday, took a shower, got ready and started feeling nauseous again. AAARGH. I ate a piece of dried toast, took a Tylenol, laid down for about 30 minutes and felt like a new woman. Kevin dropped me off at the school shortly after the show started and I was able to sit with mom all day with no problem. Still couldn’t talk very loudly, but I could talk. There weren’t as many people there as we had hoped. It started out busy in the morning but by about 1:00 PM, traffic as practically nil. It was a beautiful day and a lot of people were out, but not a lot of people were at the school shopping for crafts. Overall, mom did well. She sold quite a few things, I sold some of my dorky diamond painting ornaments, my cute diamond paining cow picture and I ended up buying a super cute snowman from mom’s craft neighbor and friend.

I’m just glad I felt better and was able to sit with her. The show ended at 4:00 and we were packed up and driving away from the school by 4:20!! That has to be a record. Granted, I did move her truck up closer to the school about an hour before closing time and we lucked out and got a spot right outside the doors when it was time to leave but we timed it perfectly and kicked butt getting out of there.

Now, to get through the rest of the holidays.

I just wanted to post a little something-something to let ya’ll know I’m still here. I’m feeling the urge to write again but don’t worry, I’m sure it will go away like it usually does. Ha! I’m hoping to write a little more, if not consistently, in 2025, but you know me …

K – time to shift focus and get ready to clock on for work. Since I’ve been training I’ve been working 10:30 AM – 7:00 PM and I sort of hate it. Not the training part but the hours. This right-smack-dab-in-the-middle-of-the-day shift is for the birds. Not a fan. Boo!

Christmas is right around the corner … are you ready?!

At the Moment

Death Do Us Part

Karen

Death is odd, isn’t it?

One minute you’re present and then the next, you’re not. Your body is still there but the essence of YOU, your breath life, the life that God breathed into you when you were born, is gone.

We all know death is part of life – it’s a given. It’s guaranteed that you and I will die at some point in the future. The bigger question, in my opinion, is what happens after we die?

But that’s a post for another day.

I’ve been very blessed in my life. I never had to deal with the grief of losing someone close to me. Of course I’ve been to funerals and of course I have felt sadness but I was more of an outsider looking in – my heart wasn’t really IMPACTED very much.

And then, my father died.

It was sudden and very unexpected. He woke up on March 24, 2023, had a nice long chat with my mother, then went for a bike ride around the block. He came back home, told mom he was back from his ride, sat down in his chair and died in his sleep.

Before any of you think it, no, he wasn’t vaccinated. No, he wasn’t sick. He was a very healthy 78-year old man who was active and seemingly in good health. This was why it was so shocking – it came out of left field. NONE of us expected it and NO ONE saw it coming.

All we can do is speculate as to what actually happened. He had fallen off his bike the week prior to his death and he said he thought he might have blacked out for a bit. A few friendly by-standers followed him home that day to make sure he made it okay. Dad said he hadn’t bumped his head, but … we’ll never know for sure.

Was it a blood clot from that accident? A slow brain bleed, perhaps? I work in neurosurgery, I know, firsthand, what a brain bleed can do to people if left untreated. It’s sneaky and if you ever fall and hit your head, it’s ALWAYS a good idea to go to the hospital and get checked out.

But dad told mom he hadn’t hit his head so there were no red flags.

He routinely drank caffeinated coffee. He was active and rode his bike regularly. Did he overwork his heart? Did his heart simply stop?

He was borderline diabetic. He wasn’t on any medications for it because he controlled it by watching what he ate. Could his blood sugars have been too high for too long and it stressed his heart out?

He never complained of feeling sick. He commented to my mom that he was tired but who isn’t? He was also a 78-year old man who rode his bike around – maybe he was simply tired from being more active than your typical 78-year old man.

These questions will never be answered. We will never know what really happened to him. And the not knowing is almost harder than dealing with his death. There is no closure; it’s a mystery.

Mom went to wake him up to ask what he wanted to dinner. When he didn’t respond and she reached out to touch him, she knew – he had slipped away.

She called 911 and they advised her to get him out of the chair and onto the floor and walked her through how to do chest compressions. The ambulance arrived shortly after and they escorted her to the kitchen and took over CPR. They called it shortly after that.

They were estimating that he had died shortly after he sat down in his chair after his bike ride – two hours previously.

We’re a family that texts. We don’t really call each other. So when my phone rang at 7:42 PM and I saw that it was mom calling, I knew something was wrong. Was dad hurt? Was something broken at their house? Did they get into a car accident? Did they lock themselves out of the house? All of these scenarios ran through my head but the possibility of death never entered my mind.

Not once.

My mom was so calm when she told me what happened. I thought it must have happened hours previously and she was able to control herself to call me and tell me but I found out later that dad was still in the house and she was waiting on the funeral home to pick him up – a police officer was with her when she called me. But she didn’t tell me any of this until afterward.

I was in my office when she called me and I got up and walked into the living room where Kevin was watching TV. I had her on speaker and I don’t remember what she was saying, all I kept thinking was, “my dad died.”

I must have said it out loud because Kevin turned off the TV and said, “What??”

The phone call didn’t last long – I’m sure it was taking everything in my mom to hang on to her sanity and I when we hung up, I sank down into a chair and just stared at Kevin.

“My dad died,” I kept saying it over and over. I just couldn’t believe it. I was so shocked. I thought if I kept saying that then someone would correct me – tell me I was mistaken.

For the first time, in a very long time, I lost control of my emotions.

I started to wail. That’s the only word I can think of to describe the tsunami of emotions that poured out of me.

Wailing: noun

  1. The act of expressing sorrow, grief, or the like audibly; loud cries of sorrow; deep lamentation.
  2. A loud drawn out scream and howl.
  3. loud cries made while weeping

I’ve never wailed in my life but I was definitely wailing at that moment in time. I think I shocked Kevin. He has obviously seen me cry and be upset over the years but he has never seen me like this. It was almost like an out-of-body experience. I cried for my dad, of course, but I was also crying for my mom. I knew this would be devastating to her and it has been.

I called our youngest son first, he didn’t answer. There was no reason why I called him first, I just figured he was the one that would most likely pick up. When our youngest didn’t pick up, I called out oldest son. He picked up. I could barely get the words out but I asked him to go to his brother’s room and close the door, that I had something important to tell him. (They live in our rental house across the street from our house). To my surprise, he said, “we already know, mom.”

“How do you already know? Who told you?”

Apparently, when my mom spoke to my sister and she told her sons, who were already online, they contacted our boys online and told them.

Bad news travels fast.

I agonized over whether I should go see my mom that night. But ultimately, I decided not to because I knew if it were me, I would want to be left alone with my grief. I wouldn’t want an audience. I wanted to give her privacy – some space – to sort out her feelings first before being forced to deal with the harsh reality later.

I didn’t sleep that night. In fact, I listened to music nearly all night just to distract myself from my thoughts.

At 9:30 AM the next morning, I called mom. She was pretty tearful, as you can imagine, and said that the funeral home had called her to see if she wanted to come in at 10:00 AM to talk about arrangements because they had a cancellation. I was shocked that they called her so quickly! I hadn’t even taken a shower when I called her and was looking pretty rough but when mom said that “she felt so alone” I said screw it and told her to wait for me and I would go with her. She didn’t need to do this by herself!!

I pulled some clothes on, tied my hair back, doused my body with body spray and headed to mom’s. I didn’t want her to drive, though truth be known I wasn’t really in very good shape to drive myself, either. I cranked the radio on full blast on my way to her house and tried to distract myself from my thoughts. I had a stern conversation with myself on my way over there – now was not the time to lose my shit because mom needed me.

She was talking to a neighbor in the driveway when I pulled up. The neighbor was checking on her because she had seen the ambulance the night before. Mom seemed to be holding it together when she was talking to the neighbor, but I knew it was false bravado.

We headed to the funeral home and she filled me in on the details. I was very distracted and took a few wrong turns though to be fair, the normal route to the funeral home was blocked by construction so I had to veer off into a neighborhood I wasn’t familiar with – which only added to the stress of our arriving late. Mom had called the funeral home to let them know we would be late because she was waiting on me.

I felt guilty for looking so rough but I figured funeral directors were used to seeing people at their worst so I squashed the guilt and turned my focus on what he was saying.

We went over quite a few things and I had the forethought to take notes on my phone because I knew I wouldn’t remember most of that conversation later. I’m glad I did – they came in handy.

Here were some of my notes:

  • Who speaks at the graveside?
  • Pictures for video
  • Need 6 pallbearers – didn’t need them after all – keep reading
  • Don’t need gravestone, military will provide.
  • Only have 15 minutes at graveside.
  • Contact Social Security office after receiving death certificate.
  • After 4:00 PM Thursday for viewing.
  • Obit on Greenlawn website
  • Visitation at 1:00 on Friday.
  • Gravesite on 4-3.

Dad was an Army Veteran. He served during the Vietnam war. He wasn’t actually deployed over there, thank God, but rather he worked on radio communications with the troops stationed over there. My dad was an electronic whiz and that’s where they used him. He participated in a few top secret missions that he told us about a few times but he couldn’t go into details.

He was active duty for three years though he was “on call” for three years after that. I don’t believe they ever had to use him during the on-call years.

Because of his service in the Army, he was eligible to be buried in the Veteran’s Cemetery which was where he wanted to be buried. However, they still had to approve it and since it was Saturday when we went in, the funeral director wasn’t sure if anyone would be available to take his call and start the process. After discussing several details, he walked us to the room to look at caskets while he went to make some calls. It was tough, and a little surreal, to be shopping for dad’s casket less than 24-hours after he passed away. It almost felt disrespectful in some ways to even be talking about what to do with dad’s body less than a day after his death. We had ZERO time to process what happened let alone have the wherewithal to make arrangements.

Not to mention the sticker shock – caskets are EXPENSIVE.

Mom chose a simple, but pretty, box with a Bible verse etched into the sides. She felt like that one best suited dad’s personality. He wouldn’t have wanted anything fancy and definitely not anything expensive.

After choosing the casket, we went back to the office to wait for the funeral director. We had to wait for quite a while. We weren’t really sure what was taking so long but it gave us an opportunity to sort out our thoughts and grabble with our emotions.

And cry. We cried a lot.

The funeral director came back in and told us that he had good news and bad news. The good news was he was able to reach someone at the VA office but the bad news was, they wouldn’t be able to get dad in for the graveside burial until the following Monday, in another week. And that was assuming the VA approved dad to be buried there. We made arrangements for the visitation/funeral to be at 1:00 PM on Friday and then, if all went according to plan, the burial would be that next Monday. They would also have a private viewing for immediate family only on Thursday after 4:00 PM.

So – we had to make arrangements super fast, less than 24-hours after his passing but the funeral and the burial wouldn’t be for another week. Wow. Talk about stretching things out. Waiting that week was torture, not going to lie. I know it was even worse for mom.

I went ahead and went to work on Monday. No one knew what sort of weekend I had and I kept it quiet for a bit. About mid-morning, I told my immediate co-workers what had happened and that I would need Friday and Monday off, for obvious reasons. I could barely get the words out when I first started to tell them and I had to walk away to get ahold of my emotions. When I returned, I told them I was just going to have to blurt out the news as I didn’t trust myself to drag it out and that I didn’t want to talk about it. They respected my wishes, of course.

Life went on as normal as it can go on after losing a parent. Little by little, word of what happened reached the rest of the clinic and people were messaging me their condolences. Actually, I was pretty annoyed with my manager because on the next week’s schedule he put, “Karen – bereavement leave” so everyone knew that I was going to be out because I lost someone. I would have preferred to not broadcast it all over the clinic but whatever, the cat was out of the bag.

Again. I refused to talk to anyone about it though by the end of the week, I did tell my immediate co-workers what had happened. I was very thankful for work, to be honest. It kept me distracted and I was able to stuff my grief into a deep, dark pocket giving my mind a break and to do my work as usual.

But when Thursday came around and it was time to make a trip to the funeral home for the private viewing, I had no choice but to take that grief out of that deep, dark pocket and air it out a bit.

Kevin went with us. It was just the three of us.

It’s hard to describe what I was feeling when we walked into the funeral parlor and I saw my dad laying in the casket for the first time. It almost felt like a dream. Things started to get fuzzy around the edges of my vision and I felt a little … off kilter. It was like I was walking into an alternate universe – it didn’t feel real though there was my dad in the casket in front of me. Kevin stood back and me and mom walked up to the casket. I held back for a bit but I could see mom was really struggling so I went and stood by her placing an arm across her shoulders for support. I held it together pretty good. Dad looked pretty good though they hadn’t really worked on his hands and they looked mummified. I think his hands disturbed me the most.

We were there for a few hours. I’m REALLY GLAD that mom had that private time with dad. She stroked his hair and leaned down to speak to him. It was private and intimate and Kevin and I left the room to give her more privacy. She was in with him for another fifteen minutes and I could tell the staff was starting to get a bit antsy – it was probably time for them to go home and just when I was about to peek in to see how mom was doing, she came out.

Though she was in no way ready to say goodbye to him, I think having some alone time with dad really helped her and I was grateful to the funeral home for giving her the opportunity to have that one-on-one time with him. Everything happened so fast when he died that she really didn’t have a chance to say her goodbyes.

Me? I was surprisingly okay. I had tears in my eyes but I wasn’t sobbing – yet.

The day of the funeral was finally here. It was such a mixed bag of juxtapositions – we didn’t want to say goodbye but at the same time, we put off saying goodbye, officially, for a whole week. It was time.

I picked mom up from her house. Her brother and his wife had driven up from Texas and were at her house when I picked her up. They were going to follow us to the funeral home. We drove to the funeral home and then we left again to go pick up my Aunt, my mom’s sister, from her house. (My Aunt no longer drives). We returned to the funeral home and several more people had showed up while we were gone. My sister and her husband were there as well as my brother, his wife and their two boys. Kevin and the boys were there as well as dad’s brother and sisters.

Again, I was doing okay. Teary eyed but not sobbing. Kevin’s mom, dad, sister and brother-in-law arrived and we spent some time talking to them. It felt like it took forever for the funeral to start but when it did, that’s when I started to lose it. I sat by mom and my sister sat by me. We had a pastor from a church we didn’t belong to, (none of us belong to a church), direct the service and he did a good job. He and mom had a lengthy discussion about dad before the funeral so he had a lot of stories and facts about dad’s life – it was nice. The pictures mom and I collected of dad’ ‘s life were showing on a slideshow throughout the funeral. We obviously stayed until the very last minute and spoke to everyone that came.

To my shock, one of the people to pass us by and offer condolences was the nurse practitioner I work with! I thought that was sooo sweet of her to drop by! I hadn’t told her my dad’s name so she had to do some research to figure out who it was.

Since the burial was on Monday, (by the way, the VA approved dad), my brother and sister stuck around all weekend so we all hung out and got reacquainted. It’s so sad that it takes a death in the family to bring a family together. My sister and I hadn’t talked for about … ten-ish years? So it was REALLY GREAT to reconnect with her.

(My brother and sister have both come down a few times to hang out since the funeral and again, it has been SO NICE to see them. We’ve had some laughs and did A LOT of talking – it’s been so nice).

Monday came around and it was time for the burial. The boys rode with me and my mom rode with her brother. We all met at the cemetery where they gave dad a 21-gun salute and a really nice send off. I absolutely sobbed the entire time. Like, an ugly cry. I don’t know why I was crying so hard at the burial but it all seemed so … final, somehow. Also, it was just so nice that dad was being honored for his service – it was respectful and quite impressive. He would have liked it, I think.

It was a short service, only about 15 minutes. Then we were asked to leave. They said it would take about two hours for them to dig the grave and place him. So, my brother, sister and the other out-of-town guests left and two/three hours later, mom and I returned to see his grave. She had made arrangements for his tombstone before we left the burial so all we had to do was wait about six weeks for his tombstone to arrive. It was very emotional to stand there and stare at his pile of dirt. Mom also made arrangements for her to be buried on top of him when it’s her time. Her name and information will be engraved on the back side of dad’s tombstone. They will place her casket in the same hole on top of his casket – she’ll have the “top bunk” as the lady at the VA office told her.

I’ve been back a few times to see his tombstone and to say hi. It’s so weird to not have him around. We all thought he would stick around till his 90’s at least – both of his parents lasted that long.

My mom is handling it but she’s having a really hard time. Dad was her soulmate and she’s known him all her life – since 14 at least. She always knew she wanted to marry him. Seeing her hurting is heartbreaking and I wish I knew how to comfort her. This is a new territory for me and I feel a bit lost and completely out of my element trying to navigate this difficult time.

It’s amazing how you take life for granted. There is so much to do and so many excuses not to do it because you think, “there’s plenty of time for that.”

But there’s not, not really. Life is precious and every second/minute should be cherished and savored because you never know if you’ll go to sleep and never wake up.

Thanks for reading.

Life, Roy's Story

We Have a New Member of the Family

Karen

At least, temporarily.

At least, I HOPE it’s temporary.

Kevin has a special-needs uncle – let’s call him Roy. His grandmother adopted him out of foster care when he was a toddler.

I guess, technically, he’s not really special needs. He’s not retarded but rather, just slow. His birth mother drank and probably did drugs when she was pregnant with him which caused brain damage. He’s only a few years younger than myself.

Kevin’s grandmother passed away and he’s been living with Kevin’s parents all of these years.

However – Kevin’s parents are getting older and it’s harder for them to get around and quite honestly, they just want to live their remaining years peacefully. The situation has become tense and Kevin became his co-guardian – he’s now fully (or will be when his mother passes away) responsible for him.

We knew, at some point, he would need to get out on his own, learn to be independent. The challenge? He can’t really be by himself. He has no concept of money. He will never drive. And he doesn’t always have common sense when it comes to some things. So he will need frequent supervision. Our plan was to get him moved into an apartment and the family would take turns dropping by to check on him – take him meals once in a while, etc.

I came up with the plan of moving him into our rental house across the street. He would pay us rent and we could keep a close eye on him. (He gets money from the government every month due to his disability and might I just add – THIS IS WHAT GOVERNMENT PROGRAMS WERE MEANT TO DO: to help those that can’t fully help themselves. NOT SUPPORT PEOPLE WHO ARE MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY CAPABLE OF WORKING. *ahem* Focus Karen, focus). No one is currently living in the house now and we need to get someone in there so we can start paying down our loan.

Kevin originally bought the house with his parents in mind and they are still welcome to move in, as soon as they sell their house. The problem? Who knows when that will be. It could be months. It could be years. In the meantime, Roy can live there and we’ll come up with another solution if/when his parents sell their house and/if they still want to move in when that happens. We talked about this plan and he was going to present this plan to his parents after bowling with Roy.

Things sort of reached a breaking point on Sunday night. Kevin left to go bowling with Roy and was gone for several hours. He was gone so long, I started to become worried about him. When he finally came home, he had Roy with him. He felt like the situation was getting worse and why wait?

Our plan is happening now.

The problem is – Kevin didn’t do this gradually so Roy doesn’t have any of his stuff moved into the house yet. So, he’s living with us until we can move him into the house. I’m sure we’re still going to have to “introduce” him slowly to being in the house and living on his own. I’m going to try and talk the boys into spending a few nights with him at the rental house so he doesn’t get scared being on his own. Plus – it’s always a little spooky spending the night in a new place.

But it’s time. Kevin’s parents won’t live forever and no one in the family really wants him to live with them. And to be perfectly honest, Roy is mentally capable of living on his own, he just hasn’t up to this point. There has always been someone to baby him and look after him.

And he won’t be “alone” per se, the family will still be available and did I mention we’ll be across the street if he needs anything?

I think it’s a win-win for everyone, quite frankly.

This is going to be quite an adjustment on everyone’s parts. I think this will actually be good for Blake. He has always had a special connection to Roy – Kevin’s grandma watched Blake when he was a baby so I could continue to work and Blake and Roy have sort of grown up together. They are pretty close. For example, right now, Blake is watching TV with Roy and I can’t tell you the last time Blake came out of his room to watch TV. I think he feels like he needs to take care of Roy and that might be a good thing in the long run for Blake. Roy gives him purpose. He feels comfortable around him and he’s the most animated whenever he’s around him.

Again, a win-win situation. Stay tuned … we’re turning the page to another chapter in our lives.

Life

Breaking Silence

Karen

Good Lord, it’s 2015.

The last time I wrote/posted anything of substance was back in June.

JUNE, PEOPLE!

Six whole months I’ve neglected this blog.

UNACCEPTABLE!

To be fair, there really hasn’t been a whole lot to write about. I get up, go to work, come home, get through dinner (I’m finding that I hate to cook ANYTHING more and more), then collapse into bed, physically and mentally exhausted.

And the things that do happen, I can’t really talk about, or am cautious about writing about, because it’s work related and though no one I work with knows about this blog, I have crossed that fine line and accepted people I work with on Facebook so it might be a matter of time before they find this blog so I have to be careful what I write about because I’ve already offended someone in my family with my hot-headed blabber mouth, and/or fingers in this case and I really don’t want to offend anyone I work with because I see the people I work with more than my own family.

But life. She’s passing me by. She’s not waiting around for me. She’s trudging ahead and I’m left stumbling after her. Events, thoughts, milestones (we’ve had milestones? Yeah, I guess we have) are whizzing past me so that my life is fast becoming a blur of fleeting thoughts and impressions – it’s time I put the brakes on and slow Mother Time waaay down by attempting to capture snippets and pin them on this blog.

Again.

Should I start where I left off in June? I haven’t even told you about our Cruise to Alaska ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO.

Though the boys are still living with us, they have also gone through some changes.

And there’s the rental house, which still hasn’t been rented out yet.

Did you even know I’m using a new blog template? I actually bought this one so it will be sticking around for quite some time – though I can switch up the color schemes once in a while so I don’t got completely out of my head with boredom.

Did I mention my dominant arm, (I’m left handed), has been hurting like a Mother Effer ever since I got the damn flu shot in November?? I’m beginning to think I have damaged my ulnar nerve, or maybe carpal tunnel? (*shudder* Say it ain’t so!)

Have I mentioned that I’m nearly a half a century old?! And how that both annoys and terrifies me?

Have I mentioned that I’m finally, FINALLY, comfortable in my own skin and though I’m “technially” overweight and need to lose 30 lbs, I’m sort of okay with that? (Though I AM going to start back on the treadmill soonish – okay – like tomorrow – for reals).

Did you know that our 25th wedding anniversary is THIS MAY (what?? How did that happen??) and we won’t be going on our Hawaiian Cruise because money is tight and we’re being responsible people by putting it off another year, or two? (*sigh*)

I bet you didn’t know that Brandon is 19 and on his THIRD job, did you??

Christmas was one of the low lights of our year this year. Not because it wasn’t great, it was just .. meh. Every day is Christmas in our house. Truly. (Does that sound pretentious?) Since money is a bit on the tight side right now (rental houses don’t improve themselves, don’t cha know), Kevin and I bought each other one gift each (I bought him a fancy-smancy power strip/box thing for his band – did I mention the drummer and bass player quit and they’ve been working on replacing band members) and Kevin bought me a laptop cooling tray … thing … so I don’t scorch my fleshy thighs and … yep, that was our Christmas. We bought the boys all practicable things – such as pots and pans (and may I just say, NICE pots and pans from the Food Network – I got a deal on a set, two saucepans, two skillets, both regular and deep-dish style, a big pot to boil pasta and two cookie sheets), a toaster, a fancy-smancy one cup coffee maker (because Blake drinks more coffee than I drink now), bathroom towels, kitchen gadgets and silverware. And yes, the boys were as excited to receive all of these things like you were excited to read about them.

BUT – they will appreciate said gifts when it’s time to move out BECAUSE that’s our goal, well, that’s me and Kevin’s goal, to move the boys out into their own apartment THIS YEAR.

IF Brandon can keep this job after the holidays. He was hired on as holiday help. (There’s another story for another time).

Did I tell you that I read 66 books last year?

2014-books

And that my goal is to read 62 books this year?

Now that’s one thing I DID do right this year – I read my butt off. In fact, I have three gift cards to Barnes and Noble that I’m going to use on ebooks. Because I can’t even tell you the last time I’ve read an actual book – my Kindle is becoming a permanent body part. I’m trying to figure out how to convert a Nook ebook to a format that Kindle will recognize and I think I have it figured out. (Pst … I found this website that will convert it to a MOBI, which is what the Kindle recognizes. But don’t quote me on that yet. I’m buying a book tonight to see if I can make this work. If it doesn’t work, don’t shoot the messenger, k?)

And I don’t buy books very often, either. I usually “borrow” them from the library, though I end up downloading them and transferring them to my Kindle because trying to read a library book in the two weeks the library sets up puts too much pressure on me and I don’t need anymore stress in my life, thank you very much.

Kevin is great. He still has his office and he’s still looking for “that perfect client, or five.” He’s been SUPER busy on the rental house and honestly, I couldn’t be more impressed with him. Is there nothing the man can not do?!? The house doesn’t even look the like the same house. (Note to self – brag more about the hubby).

I’m on a mission to give my professional life a kick in the butt. Either sweet talk my boss into allowing me to take the certified medical assistant certification early (will need to jump through some hoops to make that happen) and/or work on an alternative plan that quite honestly, scares the shit out of me but I think I could make it happen providing I can find the courage to actually take that first step.

Vague much?

And my nurse at work just text me (I left early today) to tell me that the CT machine is down and she had to cancel some appointments. AARGH.

It’s always something.

And that brings us up to date, sort of. Those are the highlights; I’ll see if I can’t do a better job of putting flesh on those bare bones.

Oh. I got to see a carpal tunnel suture removal today. I’ve never done the sutures, though I’ve taken quite a few staples out. It was cool. You just snip and then pull the sucker out. I’m rather spoiled on removing staples/sutures. My doctor has it set up where his post-op patients come in for their first visit two weeks after surgery, which is when they need to have their staples/sutures removed and the PA takes care of removing them so I rarely have an opportunity to remove them myself. I think that part of the job scared me the most when I first started doing this job – I would feel sick to my stomach when I had to do it. It still sort of weirds me out whenever it comes up, but I’m feeling more confident about it now.

I can admit, with all honestly, there is NEVER a dull moment in health care. NEVER.