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Dear Erratic Driver,
Look. I have a “thing” for stupid drivers. I do. I guess you might even call it an obsession, really, especially now that my teenage boys are on the brink of driving. But I can not excuse, or even tolerate, drivers like you.
Let me explain …
(And by the way, you better NOT be reading this while you’re driving or I will personally yank open that car door and kick your ass. Just sayin’).
I realize you’re from Arkansas. And at the risk of offending any other Arkansas driver out there that you might show this letter to, it’s sort of a “joke” with us Missourians that Arkansas people? CAN NOT DRIVE. I have no idea where this came from and perhaps it’s just a state-by-state thing, but people like you? Only CONFIRM the “joke.”
You are quite possibly THE worst driver I’ve ever had the misfortune to come across. And I’ve come across a lot in my old age, let me assure you.
Since I know you have no clue what I’m talking about, let me highlight your stupidity:
1. You do not stop at yield signs. You slow down, but you do not stop unless there is traffic coming. There wasn’t any traffic coming. How do I know this? Because I freaking looked. And when this yield sign is on a highway exit ramp? Seriously. DO NOT STOP. I nearly rear-ended you. And though it would have technically been my fault, it would have really been yours because you don’t slam on your brakes and come to a full stop at this type of intersection. Especially when you were going sort of fast to begin with.
2. What was up with the weaving? One minute you’re in the correct lane. The next minute you’re crowding the car next to you. The very next minute you’re hugging the shoulder. Were you drunk? Or were you on your cell phone? Judging by your head and hand movements? You were on the phone. Or maybe you had a drink or two and you wanted to share what it was like to be an idiot AND drunk, who knows. And even though you may not care? The other drivers around you care because you’re putting THEM at risk. And just because YOU don’t value YOUR life, I value mine. In fact, I’m quite fond of breathing, thank you very much.
3. Here’s a bit of advice – when you’re on the highway, it helps to maintain a consistent speed. One minute you were going 50, the next minute you were going 75. It’s not only annoying for the person following you, (that would be me, in case you were confused), it burns up a lot of gas. And though you may pimp yourself out for YOUR gas? I pay good old fashion money for mine and NEWS FLASH! Money is sort of tight right now thanks to a crappy economy because our (and I hesitate to call him MY president because I certainly didn’t vote for him) idiot president likes to spend it faster than it comes in.
But I digress.
4. And thanks. I nearly had a coronary when you realized that your exit was coming up, you were in the fast lane, no one would allow you to get over and you applied the brakes going 70 miles per hour, thereby forcing me to apply my brakes and freaking out the person behind me, who happened to be my husband, by the way. He was following me home from work.
Let me be clear. YOU DO NOT BRAKE ON THE HIGHWAY UNLESS IT’S AN EMERGENCY, not because you were too distracted (and dare I say too stupid to read the sign) and nearly missed your exit.
You must have realized you weren’t going to make it and that you were going to likely cause a several-car pile up behind you if you tried and I for one would like to thank you for at least having the presence of mind to continue onward to the next exit.
In conclusion, I would like to suggest that you take driving lessons and not be allowed to use your cell phone while driving because you’re a menace to yourself, to other drivers and quite possibly humanity, as well.
Oh. And I know this might come as a shock to you? But lady, you’re not the ONLY person out on the roads. We do not exist to accommodate your stupidity so wake the hell up, missy.
A driver who would like to see her grandchildren some day.