Category: Parenting

One of our local high schools put together an anti-drug video for parents. The first part is a principal welcoming parents to one specific high school, but if you’ll hang in there, you’ll see testimonies from kids who did drugs and their parents, along with signs to watch out for and tips on how you can help your child through his/her teenage years.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

We would all like to pretend that nothing like this would ever happen to our children, but the fact is, they are exposed to drugs and alcohol, on some level, nearly every day they are away from us. It’s our job to teach them, to watch them and to be there for them if, or when, they make bad decisions.

My boys are great. My boys are also human. And some of the stories they have come and told me would curl your hair. It’s bothered me and when they weren’t looking, I’ve cried. And I’ve prayed that God would give them the strength, courage and wisdom to make the right choice if, or when, they ever face a drug or alcohol situation.

Whenever the boys spend the night with friends, I always remind them that if they become uncomfortable, at any point during the night, I don’t care what time it is, they are to call me and I would come and get them, no questions asked. It pains me to even give this option, but reality sucks sometimes.

Don’t think that just because your children are home schooled or go to a private school that they won’t have to deal with this at some point. Denying this would ever happen to your child is unrealistic and would mostly likely hurt them in the long run. I’m not saying to be scared. I’m not saying to watch over them with military precision. But I am saying to be aware of what is going on with your teenagers – they may look, and occasionally act, like adults, but they are not. They are confused and scared and they need you more than ever.

I realize this is one of those subjects that no one likes to talk about, but it needs to be addressed. And children need to hear our thoughts about drugs and alcohol because even though they may deny it with their dying breath, they need us to be strong and they need our rules, and beliefs, to guide them.

Anyway, I thought there might be some parents out there that might benefit from watching this video. I know it’s made me more aware of my children’s behaviors and though my boys don’t like my rules or the fact that I ask a lot of questions or that I watch them like a hawk, tough. I love them and it’s my job.

This was originally posted December 5, 2006 on my self-hosted blog.

I routinely read parenting articles, many more than I share with you here. I happened along this article yesterday and I’ve thought about it ever since. Let me ask you:

How many gifts are too many? What’s the limit? Is there a number? When does it cross over the threshold of thoughtful to obscene?

How many gifts do you buy your children at Christmas? How many do they expect? Do your relatives go overboard on them? Do you set a dollar limit on their gifts? Is your personal gift giving to your children based on guilty feelings? Are you trying to overcompensate for your parenting skills?

I confess, I’ve spoiled our boys in the past. I’m embarrassed to tell you this, but I ended up giving them everything on their wish lists for quite a few years (I think one Christmas they actually got 11 gifts each. Doh!). Of course that was before their tastes matured and the gifts were under $20.00. Now they’re lucky if they get a couple of games apiece because geez louise those suckers are expensive. I wonder if I would continue to spoil them if they were not?

Why have I done this? Why do I feel compelled to spoil them now? I had never really thought about the psychological reasons behind this in the past but now I wonder if perhaps I was subconsciously trying to make up for all the times I was mean/strict/harsh with them?

I’ve kept this thought in the back of my mind for the past two days and I’ll go out on a limb here and be brutally honest with you ( as opposed to all the times I sugar coat it *grin*) – yes, I think perhaps I have been overly generous with them on their birthdays and Christmas in a warped way to appease my conscious. Oh sure, I want them to have a good holiday; I want them to have good memories and a warm, loving childhood, but is it more than that? Am I trying to make up for all the times I’ve yelled at them? For discipling them? For saying no?

I’d like to think I’m a stronger person than that but what about the Nintendo Wii? (We went to GREAT LENGTHS to first find, and then buy, a Wii for the boys in 2006 – perhaps I’ll post the story to that soon). Why were we so adamant about buying a hard-to-find toy for our boys? Does it go beyond the simple desire to make them happy?

I’m not sure I want to analyze it, quite frankly. It’s a sobering thought to think that perhaps the driving motivation behind my desire to make the boys happy is so that they will love me just a little more.

I have a relative who does that – brings gifts nearly every time he/she comes over. I really think this person does this because he/she doesn’t really know how to relate to them on any other level.

Though I know how to relate to my kids (at least, I hope I do), I still feel compelled to buy them the latest and greatest thing. Part of it might be due to the fact that their friends all have it, but I think the real reason is because I want them to love me, perhaps even LIKE me, that much more. The time is coming, and it’s just over the horizon, when the kids won’t want to be around me. It’ll be uncool or it’ll simply be time for them to test their wings and fly away. I want them to feel like they can come back home when things get tough, that I’ll be here for them through thick and thin.

I guess I want to ensure, or at least try to secure, a place in their hearts just for me.

I wish I could say that I’ve matured since writing this article in 2006, but honestly? I don’t think I have. I STILL feel compelled to spoil these boys rotten and I still think it’s partly due to the fact that I feel the need to fill in all of my rotten parenting moments. It’s sad, actually.

For those that don’t know, GD just turned 16. And next year, when he’s a junior, he will be asked to make some pretty serious decisions about the type of classes he wants/needs to take and prepare for the SAT’s and ACT test so he can get into college.

We’ve talked, at length, about what he might like to do. We haven’t pushed him, but we’ve certainly planted a seed or two.

When I saw this video on Dr. Laura’s YouTube channel, I immediately thought of GD.

It’s a great reminder that though our kids might LOOK older, even ACT older on occasion, they will always be our children and they can always come to us if they need us.

Always.

BUT

I can’t help but wonder if encouraging him to come home is encouraging him to quit when the going gets tough. I mean, don’t get me wrong – if my son was depressed, sad, scared, frustrated, and heart broken, I would be the first to open my arms and welcome him back home. I certainly would never do anything to endanger his mental, or physical health.

BUT

I’m not so sure encouraging him to give up and come home after only month in his new life is the way to go, either.

I don’t know. So much would depend on the individual and the circumstance but I definitely think I would be more concerned about those things than if the rent he paid up front was going to waste.

But, that’s just my opinion.

My boys.

They make me smile. I know it sounds corny, and even cliché, but my boys, they are indeed one half of my heart. They are part of who I am. I couldn’t even begin to define who I am to you without bringing their names up. They are the life blood that pumps through my body every single day.

Parenting is tough to begin with – parenting my boys, who are polar opposites, is especially tough.

Look at this picture, do you notice anything funny? The only thing remotely similar about my boys are the fact that they are, well, boys.

Other than that? Total and complete opposites.

First, they look nothing alike. I envy people who have children who look alike. Or their children have one dominant feature they all share so that when you see them, together, or separate, you know they’re related.

My boys? No. They look nothing alike.

And yes, they have the same father. (Because I know someone out there is dying to ask that question).

GD has brown hair and eyes so brown, they look nearly black (like my sister’s eyes). He has my nose, which is large and crooked and though it takes some getting used to, we’re okay with it. Why? Because it’s a Cherokee Indian nose and we’re proud of that heritage. GD is tall and will likely continue to grow another few inches. I predict the boy will reach 6 feet. His spine is slightly curved – like mine. His sinuses are narrow and he has trouble breathing from his nose – like me. He is impatient and loves all things geeky – like me. GD went through puberty early and with a determined vengeance – if you click on the picture above and look closely, you will see GD is growing a mustache.

MK has dark blond hair and blue-gray eyes. They are blue when he’s alert and feisty, they turn a dull gray when he’s tired or upset. His nose is straight, his cheeks are slightly pudgy, his smile is infectious and he looked just like my husband did when he was a toddler. He has an easy-going personality – like his father. He is smart as a whip – like his father. He forgets many things – like his father. He is a natural musician – like his father. MK is a late bloomer and is still one of the shortest, and scrawniest, boys in his class. His father was a late bloomer, too, and I’m confident he will catch up to his peers when he hits his high school years.

GD drives me crazy because he’s just like me. MK drives the husband crazy because he’s just like him. All together, our family perfectly complements one another. I couldn’t have asked for better balance.

Our children are blurry caricatures of me and my husband.

GD is gentle, kind, timid, shy and worries about everything. He doesn’t talk very much because he doesn’t have much to say. He’s an observer – he looks before he leaps. He’s cautious about life and about people and getting to know GD is not easy – you have to find a common ground with GD; small talk makes him very uncomfortable. He’s insecure and self-conscious. He’s unsure, about himself and the world around him. GD likes to disappear into his surroundings and is content to peacefully co-exist with people. Though he has an opinion, he doesn’t express it very often and I worry that he will be a follower, not a leader. He appears unmotivated, but in fact, I think he’s a quiet achiever. He tends to exert only the minimum amount of energy required to see him through something – he does what is expected of him and nothing more. Though there have been times, especially lately, that he has surprised me. He has a quiet sense of humor and consistently catches me off guard by saying off-the-wall things with a completely serious face. You have to pay attention to GD to “get” GD

MK is a loud talker. He still doesn’t quite understand the whole “inside” voice concept. He is a heavy walker and I can tell when MK is moving around the house because the floorboards quiver with his determination to conquer the day. MK is overly confident and that has gotten him into trouble recently (thinking he “gets” the whole algebra thing when in fact, he does not, and resenting the fact that his dad has to help him over the humps). MK is highly intelligent, but absent-minded. He consistently forgets to do things – everyday things, like pick up the towels in the bathroom after his showers even after we’ve told him one billion gazillion times to do so. MK leaps before he looks and though it works out the majority of the time, it does get him into trouble sometimes. MK is very friendly and prefers social situations. He is relaxed with people and is not afraid to put his feelings out there – even going so far as to give the girl he’s liked for the past FOUR years a note explaining his feelings for her, which she promptly passed around to her friends. MK was teased, but he handled it with surprising maturity. He has firm resolve and is often quite stubborn. He used to hold baby food veggies in his mouth for HOURS until I finally told him he could spit it out. The boy doesn’t give up easily.

My boys not only look completely different, they have completely different personalities.

At first, this used to bother me. But over the years, I’ve learned this has been a blessing because the boys, are the best of friends. They are already talking about being roommates when they go to college.

It warms a mother’s heart to know her children will always be there for each other long after she’s gone.

But parenting these boys has been hard on me. I have to constantly do about-faces and switch gears when dealing with them. GD is not naturally motivated, so we have to do his motivation for him by taking his video games away from him if his grades drop. It works every time.

Though losing play time upsets MK, he adapts. He simply conforms to the new set of rules and moves on. Thank God he has a natural desire to want to succeed in everything he does or we’d be in serious trouble.

I have to use humor with GD a little more than MK. I have to be a little more sympathetic when I deal with MK. GD shuts down if I yell at him, sometimes it takes yelling at MK to get his attention.

Parenting my boys is like trying to walk on board a ship during a violent storm. There are dips, bobs, pitches, tilts and all sorts of emotional turmoil, but it’s never boring and being the mother of these boys has never been a mundane task.

They both challenge me in deep and unexpected ways and I can say, with absolute certainty, that I am a better person because of them.

I love, and cherish, you boys. More than you’ll ever know.

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**Warning: rant ahead. Proceed at your own risk. 🙂

You tell your kids not to smoke; it’s nasty, it’ll give them lung cancer, it’s expensive and will make their breath and clothes smell like an ashtray. You don’t smoke yourself.

They take up smoking anyway.

You lecture your kids on the dangers of drugs. It’s addictive. It can ruin their lives. It can change their personalities.

They do drugs anyway.

You tell your kids that abstinence is best, to wait until they are married before having sex. You tell them that waiting is the right thing to do and that it’s God’s will for them to wait until marriage before taking the plunge.

And they have sex anyway. And then they either get a girl pregnant or come home pregnant.

As the parent, is that somehow your fault? You’ve educated your children. You’ve made sure they were armed with intelligent information so that when the time came, and it will, don’t fool yourselves, that they have to make a choice, and they make the “wrong” choice, did you fail them as a parent? Should you be the one to accept the responsibility for their actions?

You can only hope and pray that they make the right decision when you’re not around. You can’t watch them 24/7. ESPECIALLY when they become teenagers, or start driving, or dating, or stuck at a party where they are doing illegal things.

How is that the parents’ fault?

I don’t discuss politics on this blog, mainly because I’m simply not articulate enough to discuss them on an intelligent level – there are so many blogs out there that do a much better job than I do. But when I read, on some other blogs today, the judgmental, hypocritical attitudes about Sarah Palin’s daughter, well, it got my blood boiling.

There comes a point in your life, as a parent, when you no longer have the luxury of making your children’s decisions. They reach a point in their lives, where they must make their own decisions and suffer the consequences of those decisions. Our jobs, as parents, is to make sure they are well equipped with information before they reach that step in their lives. And IF they make a bad choice, or they make an unintentional mistake, it’s our jobs as parents to be supportive and walk them through that bad choice. NOT clean it up for them, but be there if they need us.

And teenagers are still kids, albeit big ones, they will need us.

The self-righteous lectures about how Mrs. Palin is being hypocritical by standing up and preaching abstinence when her daughter is pregnant is unrealistic. As parents, we can preach our morals and beliefs until we’re blue in the face – that does not mean our children will heed our lectures.

I just don’t understand the logic behind the controversy – do you WANT Palin to stand up and say, “Oh well, since my daughter is now pregnant it’s rather stupid of me to preach abstinence to every other American teenager so you know, go for it.” That makes no sense whatsoever.

If anything, it shows people that Palin has a life outside of politics. Is it imperfect? Of course. Is she dealing with her daughter’s bad decision with grace? Absolutely. They are going to take care of the baby. Which in my eyes means they are taking responsibility and are putting that innocent baby first.

AND, if anything else, it also proves that if, and or when, Palin gets into the White House, she’ll be even more sympathetic to young girls who find themselves in the same situation and perhaps that will goad her into backing programs that help these young girls.

Sure, we would PREFER if our kids didn’t have kids, but let’s be real folks, stuff happens. They made a bad choice and now what? We stand by and shake our fingers at them? That’s not what they need, they need our support and to help them make the decision that is right for their lives.

And thank God we still have choices in this country.

I don’t know when people are going to start accepting the fact that these politicians? Have lives outside of politics. And they’re human, they have and will continue to lead flawed lives.

Do we expect them to lead a better-than-most-life to set an example? Of course. When you’re in the public eye, you SHOULD lead your life by example. But look at actors – you think THEY’RE perfect? People in the public eye have money and power – life is full of temptations as is, can you imagine how tempting it would be to make a bad decision with money and power to back it up?

We’re human. We make mistakes. When are we going to stop judging other people for those mistakes?

If my son gets into drugs, does that make me a bad mom? No, it makes me the mom of a troubled teen. My son was persuaded to step over that dark line, despite our talks about the evils of drugs, now it’s my job to help him step back into a healthy life. Would I be hurt and disappointed by his decision? Of course. But the situation isn’t about me, it’s about my son. Would I then start preaching to other kids that it’s okay to do drugs because my son made a bad choice and is now doing drugs just so I don’t appear hypocritical?

Do you see how asinine that argument is?

Please stop being so judgmental and let’s look at the bigger picture here. Let’s support our young people and concentrate on making sure they have all of the information they need to begin with so they will HOPEFULLY make the right decision WHEN (and don’t fool yourself, the time will come) that happens.

And by the way, I’d feel this way if it was the Obama family. This issue isn’t about whose side of the political fence you’re on, it’s about taking responsibility, standing up for what you believe is right and it’s about helping a young girl who made a mistake and didn’t heed her parents wishes.

Sidenote: My opinion for Senator Obama just went up about five notches. Here’s what he said about the Palin pregnancy “scandal”:

“Let me be as clear as possible,” Obama said. “I think people’s families are off-limits, and people’s children are especially off-limits. This shouldn’t be part of our politics. It has no relevance to Gov. Palin’s performance as governor or her potential performance as a vice president.”

Obama said reporters should “back off these kinds of stories” and noted that he was born to an 18-year-old mother.

“How a family deals with issues and teenage children, that shouldn’t be the topic of our politics, and I hope that anybody who is supporting me understands that’s off-limits.”

Bravo Senator, bravo.

Okay sorry. Rant is over.