Category: Parenting

Wait. Require parents to become involved in their children’s education? What a NOVEL concept!

I love it!! I found this on Dr. Laura’s blog and just had to do a little digging. (And please, for those of you that automatically stopped reading the moment you saw Dr. Laura’s name, please read my disclaimer – assuming you’re still reading).

Florida State representative Kelli Stargel has introduced a bill requiring teachers of grades K-3 to rate PARENTS, because she believes parental involvement is key to educating children.

Read the proposed bill, HB 255, here.

This is a sore subject with me and that’s probably because I’ve seen, heard and been around enough parents in the public school system to know that a lot of parents? (Note I didn’t say all, but a lot). Look at school as a babysitter. They AREN’T involved in their children’s education and then their children don’t perform as well as their peers and the parents are left scratching their heads wondering WHY and OH MY GOSH, it’s the TEACHER’S fault. He/she is not teaching their child correctly.

Now granted, that happens. Teachers are humans. They have bad days. They have a lot of crap to shuffle through and don’t have a lot of time to give each child individual attention and they don’t get paid that well so their motivation is not always the best …

… but I would argue, isn’t THAT the reason parents need to get involved with their children’s education??

In other words, it’s everyone’s fault BUT the child’s and/or the parents. Even though education begins at home.

Parent involvement is most effective when it is comprehensive, well planned, and continues throughout the school year.

Parental involvement should be developmental with a preventive rather than remedial approach and an integral part of a strategy to improve student achievement.

Parents do not need to be formally educated to provide support and assistance to improve the academic performance of their child.

At-riskchildren have the most to gain from parental involvement.

Here are some strategies that parents can use to support their children’s learning.

Attend parent-teacher conferences. (Learn the child’s strength / weaknesses).

Establish a home environment that supports the child as a student.

Contact teacher if a problem arises from homework, home situations change that may disrupt the student’s performance, absences and makeup assignments.

Monitor homework completion. (Ask to see it. Don’t just take the child’s word for it).

Make sure the child is on time, prevent frequent absences and provide school supples. (Don’t give the “but we can’t afford school supplies”. There are many programs out there that can help with that very issue).

Make sure the child is fed (again, programs to help out with that).

Adequate medical care (immunizations, [clinics provide these for free – check your community calendars], dental).

Providing the child with a place to do homework, adequate research materials (hello, library!), time slot for child to do homework (don’t over schedule children so that their time is completely gone), help prepare for tests and projects,

Sounds like a lot of work, right?

Welcome to parenting.

I thought it was interesting when Dr. Laura asked Rep. Stargel why stop at 3rd grade? Stargel responded with a vague answer about how as kids get older, they get harder to control and it’s harder to MAKE them do anything.

True. BUT, again, I would argue, that that is when the child needs his/her parents even more. Children need to be taught to discipline themselves when it comes to finishing assignments, to work independently and become their own individuals. But speaking as the mom of teenagers? It can be done.

Now please, don’t think I’m a parenting expert. I’ve made, and continue to make, my fair share of mistakes – just ask my kids. But if there ‘s anything I’ve learned from this parenting gig? You have to make a conscience decision to be the grown up in the situation. You also have to make a commitment to be there for your child at all times.

Is it a pain? Yeah, sometimes. Is it inconvenient at times? Sure. But parenting is not easy, and it’s not convenient and it requires a lot of patience, stamina and sacrifices. Those are the requirements.

Just because children get older, it doesn’t mean parents stop getting involved in their lives. We reserve the right to butt into our boys’ lives at any time and for any reason. We keep track of their grades. We ask a lot of questions and check up on them to verify those answers. If their behavior changes and they’re no longer following rules, or they lie to us, or their grades drop, we take things away from them. We remove the distractions, the STUFF that is taking their attention away from their duties and responsibilities.

Case in point About five years ago, when Dude was in 8th grade and Jazz was in 6th grade, their grades plummeted. They were truly bad. We warned them. If they didn’t bring them up a whole letter grade by next grade card, they would lose their video games and computers.

They didn’t come up. And we physically removed their games, took the power cords off their computers and the grades were so bad, they weren’t even allowed to watch TV. Our rationale? Now they would have more time to devote to their studies. Once their grades came back up to an acceptable level (and we’re talking high C’s – we don’t expect our boys to make straight A’s. We’d LIKE for them to make straight A’s, but we’re realists – some kids simply aren’t capable of making straight A’s in every subject), then they could have their STUFF back.

This lasted for a solid month. They. HATED. Us.

It was awkward. It was uncomfortable. It was NOT fun. But we stuck to our guns. And the boys brought their grades up and their privileges were restored. They’ve been excellent students ever since. And though I’d like to say that they WANT to do well (and I believe they do, as long as the work is easy), I know they were really motivated to get their stuff back.

But it doesn’t matter. They learned a lesson. The same applies to the real world. You slack off work, don’t show up, do a piss-poor job, the boss will fire you. Then you won’t have money to pay your bills and you certainly won’t have enough to spend on entertainment. You lose STUFF.

We went through that entire ordeal (and trust me, it was an ORDEAL) because we keep track of their lives. We stayed on top of their educational duties. We taught them the importance of taking their responsibilities seriously.

We were, and are, involved in their lives.

I honestly think some parents think that once their kids reach a certain age level, their parenting job is done. It’s over. They’re not responsible for them anymore. And I say, until that kid graduates from high school, yes you are.

At any rate, I had to write about this topic because I’m pretty passionate about it. And it encourages me to see that people are FINALLY waking up to the fact that if we want our children to be successful, it starts at home and with getting parents involved. Our children are young, they are immature, they need guidance, structure and discipline so they can grow up to be responsible adults. If there is no one around to teach them these things, well … you have today’s society.

I hate that the government has to get involved, YET AGAIN, but if it means helping at-risk children get through school and form stronger bonds with their families, then so be it.

You can listen to Dr. Laura’s interview with Rep. Stargel here.

I read an article in the New York Times today (which is a shocker in itself because I pretty much loathe the New York times) about the possible correlation between football and brain damage.

The article cites a young college man who committed suicide and when the parents gave permission for examiners to autopsy his brain, they “discovered early stages of chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), a disease linked to depression and impulse control primarily among N.F.L. players, two of whom also committed suicide in the last 10 years.”

Even though the doctors are being careful to say that though the young man had this brain disease and played football, it’s not necessarily the reason he hung himself.

BUT, they are noticing this same disorder in other football players that have committed suicide over the years.

Thomas never had a diagnosis of a concussion on or off the football field or even complained of a headache, his parents said, although they acknowledged he was the kind of player who might have ignored the symptoms to stay on the field. Because of this, several doctors said, his C.T.E. — whose only known cause is repetitive brain trauma — must have developed from concussions he dismissed or from the thousands of subconcussive collisions he withstood in his dozen years of football, most of them while his brain was developing.

The idea that C.T.E. can stem from hits below the level of concussion — which are endemic to football and all but impossible for doctors to see or manage — is relatively new.

They now wonder if years of being pummeled to death all in the name of playing a good game might have something to do with this CTE.

And at the risk of sounding insensitive – duh.

I have never understood the appeal. I can’t imagine why anyone would knowingly put themselves in a situation where they will routinely be beat up – sometimes severely and often times to the point where they are actually injured. I don’t see how butting heads, quite literally, play after play, game after game, and year after year, (starting as early as Mighty Mites) could possibly do anything BUT injure someone’s brain.

It all seems like pointless torture, in my opinion. And for what, exactly, a game?!?

Now granted, our boys are anything BUT athletic. In fact, they will be the first to tell you that they hate sports. All sports, all the time. They just aren’t interested. So, I’ve never had to worry about them getting hurt in that arena. (So to speak). But even if they HAD expressed an interest in sports, football specifically (because even though an individual can get hurt in any sport, hell, one can get injured just crossing the street sometimes, that person is less likely to get hurt than willingly participating in a contact sport like football where the whole objective is to tackle, and knock each other down as fast and as hard as one can possibly achieve), I am pretty sure we would have vetoed that idea.

Actually, there’s not pretty sure, we would have said, “no way in hell.”

I was directed to this article in the New York Times through a blog. This woman was talking about how she’s nervous for her son, who eats, sleeps and lives for football and how even though she’s scared something like this might happen to her son, she can’t live her life in fear of it happening.

And I agree with her – you can’t live your life in fear and that should never stop you from living your life in a responsible and safe way. But I have to disagree with her willingness to sacrifice her son to repeated abuse on the football field. Even though her son will likely not develop CTE, or mess his brain up to the point where he takes his own life (God forbid), how does she know that his repeated abuse on the field isn’t taking SOME sort of toll on his brain and possibly causing long-term issues?

Accidents happen, of course. But this goes beyond accidents – this is willingly, and knowingly, placing a child in a dangerous situation, not once, but every day, week, year of his young life.

Again, I ask … why? All for the sake of a game? I just don’t understand why anyone would risk a life-altering illness, or injury all for the sake of those few minutes in the end zone?

Please understand, I’m not criticizing this woman’s decision, or any parents’ decision to allow their sons to play football, not at all, they have the freedom to make those choices, and if the kids are willing and love it, then by all means, go for it.

I just wonder how many parents truly think about the possible repercussions – to me, the odds of my sons permanently damaging themselves are just too high for me, I’m not willing to play that particular game of Russian Roulette.

We all went to a football game this past Friday night at my sons’ high school – Jazz was playing in the band at half time, which is the only reason we were there to begin with. I like to watch football, and I like the sport, overall, though I’m now seriously reconsidering my opinions on the sport after reading this article and thinking how the sport impacts these young men as individuals, and two of our players got injured. The crowd got deathly quiet as we awaited word on the boys’ conditions.

The first time it happened, I watched one of the coaches talk to the mother, explaining the situation to her. From what I can gather, he broke his arm. He was taken off the field in the golf cart.

The second time, the boy was able to get up on his own, but walked with a noticeable limp. I believe he sat out for a few plays, but ended up back in the game. His father was sitting right in front of me and he didn’t move a muscle when his son was lying on the field. He didn’t move when he was escorted off the field, and still didn’t move to find out what was happening when they were looking at him on the side lines.

I simply don’t understand how any parent could simply sit there and not at least go down to see how his child was doing. I mean, I get the whole, “we’re in high school and OMG, parents are so dumb and uncool and don’t talk to me,” stigma – I have two teenage boys myself, remember? But when the child has been injured, all bets are off.

Even though the boys were physically injured, after reading this article, I wonder how many boys went home after that game with a headache, or feeling woozy, or just not feeling “right” overall. I’ve seen several kids weave off the field and act disoriented and again I have to ask, how could they NOT be disoriented after being treated like a punching bag for an hour?

I guess the point of this post is to raise awareness of the dangers of participating in football. I mean, it seems the “cool” thing to brag about, “my kid is in such-and-such sport” but at what cost? Both short term and long term?

I can’t tell you the number of weird looks I’ve received over the years whenever I’ve talked to parents and they ask, “what sport does your son play” and my answer has been, “none. He’s a geek and we’re cool with that.” It annoys me that they assume that our sons are in something because it seems the “norm” for them to play something.

Though I wish they had gotten involved in some team … activity, these things really are a great tool to teach our children the importance of working together as a team and sportsmanship, I have to be honest, I’m really glad they never got involved in anything that could potentially rattle their brains.

The Thomas case will almost certainly prove more arresting to those assessing the long-term risks of football at all levels, as he had developed the disease before leaving college and, for reasons that remain unknown, developed severe depression and killed himself.

“It’s pretty hard to make a jump with one case,” said Dr. James Moriarity, the University of Notre Dame’s head physician, who oversees the athletic department’s medical care. “But if it’s true that that happened, it would kill the sport,” he said, referring to an amateur player getting C.T.E. “As a parent, it’s going to be hard to justify kids going out and doing that.”

Maybe we need to seriously reassess this sport for what it is – downright dangerous.

Tough love is an expression used when someone treats another person harshly or sternly with the intent to help them in the long run.

I think it’s safe to say that I’m a strict, controlling and sometimes mean mother.

I also think it’s safe to say that I hate having to be this way, that I often isolate myself away from my family and cry my heart out about the tough choices I have to make, but that I think it’s necessary to implement a little tough love in order to raise responsible, self-sufficient and world-savvy children.

I take my mothering job very seriously. I have to. Who else is going to teach him how to survive out in this cold, hard world if I don’t do it?

(And when I say I, I mean both me and Kevin. He’s definitely not afraid to jump in and either back me up or implement a little of his own tough love).

When it comes to sensitive subjects or issues, I’m the sort of person who would rather just rip the bandage off and endure the two minutes of pain afterward than to stretch it out and endure periods of dull, mind-numbering pain over a two month period.

Again. I don’t LIKE being this way, but I honestly believe, in my heart, a little dose of reality goes a LOOONG way.

So, when I see parents coddle their children, I cringe. Children are little people. They’re made of flesh and blood. They can be molded. They are pliable.

They are not made of glass. They will not break or shatter if you hurt their little, wittle feelings.

Grr.

I don’t mean to be heartless, but come on people. Your kids? Need a healthy does of reality now and again. They NEED to know where their boundaries are. They NEED to know what you expect from them. They NEED to know that just because they want something, doesn’t necessarily mean they will get it.

They NEED to know the power of NO once in a while. (They also NEED to know the power of yes once in a while, too. But that’s probably a whole other post).

They also NEED to know you’re their parent and not their friend. I hate to break this to you, but you can not be both. It’s impossible. At least, not until they have reached adulthood and have children of their own – THEN, and only then, is it possible to evolve your relationship into something other than an authority figure, but even then, it’s a thinly veiled friendship underlined by authority.

I’m sure that made sense on some level.

*sigh*

Look. I’ve been at this parenting gig for nearly 17 years now and though I will never claim to be an expert, I do know one thing for sure: your kids WILL hate you at one (or several) point in their lives. It’s inevitable.

At least, if you’re doing your parenting job correctly.

How can they not? Unless you’ve been a welcome mat for your child’s every whim, you’ve had to put your foot down on a request, or a wayward behavior or two, during the course of their short lives. And because they are children and are not emotionally mature enough to see the wisdom of your decision, they will have felt angry and resentful toward you.

I like to jokingly say that you haven’t TRULY obtained your full motherhood badge UNTIL your kids have cursed you under their breath.

I have a whole wall full of badges. I’ll show you sometime.

I remember H.A.T.I.N.G. my parents when I was a teen. (Sorry mom and dad. I don’t NOW of course. I wuv you both very much!). And there really wasn’t a reason why I hated them, I just hated the fact that they wouldn’t allow me to do what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it.

*gasp* I KNOW. The audacity of my parents for loving me enough not to let me go wild. Bad parents.

But I was a young, stupid, wise-ass kid who thought I knew it all and there was a time period I was, erhm, less than nice to my parents and treated them like they were idiots. In fact, I’m just shocked that their heads didn’t explode from having to deal with my attitude.

And trust me when I say, I had an attitude the size of our national deficit.

And now, I have two boys who have reached that stage in their lives where they are tentatively spreading their wings and testing the air currents for a few practice solo flights.

And since wing span takes up so much space and our house is just a modest ranch-style home, it gets a wee bit crowded in here when that happens. Prides are pinched, sanity’s are squeezed and authority levels are tested.

Boy howdy, are they tested.

For the most part, my boys are well behaved. They do occasionally test me, but heck, I’d worry about them if they DIDN’T test me now and again. And we’ve had several skirmishes over staying up later than usual, or sneaking food at odd hours (sound familiar, mom?), and we’ve worked through some lies now and again.

But they were all relatively calm battles and we all relatively walked away from them with a few scrapes and bruises (figuratively speaking, of course).

Until about a year ago.

Dude hit 15 and Satan opened up the gates of hell on our house. Bedtime became AN ISSUE! And yes, it warrants all capital letters because it was AN ISSUE in our house.

Going to bed at a decent hour was suddenly deemed for little kids only. Who needed sleep! He was a TEENAGER, he didn’t need no stinkin’ sleep.

Now again, I’m no parenting expert, but I’m pretty sure all of the parenting books and gurus out there will tell you that teenagers? Need A LOT of sleep to function. They are growing at an alarming rate. Their bodies HAVE to have that sleep so they can have a chance to kick puberty in the ass. It’s a biological thing.

But emotionally? Teenagers fight sleep with every fiber of their being. You thought it was bad when they were toddlers? Just wait … oh, just you wait.

I don’t mean to scare you but …. scratch that … there is no way I can sugar coat the teenage battle field. It’s challenging, it’s ugly and it’s inevitable.

Brace yourselves.

Suffice it to say, Dude and I had it out. And it was ugly. And I said some things that I will always regret. But in some twisted way, it was sort of good that it did happen because it taught me a valuable parenting lesson: my end-all authority with this kid had come to a screeching halt. Though I had final say, I had to learn to compromise and to let that tether rope out just a bit more, just enough to give him the illusion (heh) of having more freedom.

And it taught Dude to respect the fact that even though he was earning the right to make his own decisions, he still had to abide by house rules.

Since that incident, we’ve had a few snits now and again, but nothing like that blowout. It was a turning point in our relationship and I can honestly say, we’ve gotten along a lot better since that skirmish. I stuck to my guns, but I learned to bend a little. I learned that it was time to give up that iron-clench hold on him and let him BE an individual.

I’ve always been pretty honest with my boys. We talk about sex, we talk about peer pressure and we talk about their futures – a lot. I guess I’m emotionally prepping them for the day when they will leave the nest. And though it was really hard for me to initially let go of my boys, I’m learning that I’m actually looking forward to them becoming men. It’s fascinating to watch them physically morph into mature beings.

Jazz has grown about two inches these past few months. And his voice has dropped several octaves. He no longer looks, or sounds, like my baby anymore. He’s left the little boy realm and has stepped into the young man arena.

Though I’ve been sad to see him go, I think I’m more excited to see what comes next. And I PRAY that Jazz and I don’t have any explosive growing pains that Dude and I had. (We’re approaching that 15-year mark with Jazz. For some reason, 15 seems to be THE magical number in our household).

But if we do. I can hack it. Bring it on. Not because I welcome the drama but because it’s my job, as his mother, to make sure he stays on a rational and responsible path.

Dishing out tough love is not fun, but I know in my heart it’s necessary in order to help them grow and mature and to prep them for a life that doesn’t include me or my stupid rules.