Daily Prompts

My Life: Day Five

I’m attempting to force myself to write in my blog every day. I’ve gotten SO BAD at keeping up these past several years and someday I’ll be dead and then what?

I’ll be gone but hopefully not forgotten. (Feel free to use these prompts for your own writing).

Today’s prompt(s):

What scares you?

The usual: snakes, spiders, large dogs, distracted drivers, icy roads.

But really, my biggest fear? Dying. Either me, the boys, my parents, Kevin.

I’m a Christian and I know that dying is not the end for me, or my family, but dying and just … missing out on stuff. Missing out on the boys growing old, missing the people I love, missing out on the little things, a beautiful sunrise/sunset, not seeing more of the world, the day-to-day of life itself.

Every year, the number of years I’ve been alive on this Earth gets higher and higher. Which, I know, duh, it happens for everyone. But my number is starting to concern me. I don’t FEEL as old as my number. I feel like I’m just getting started, not winding down.

True. I’m not THAT old, but I’m not THAT young, either. I guess I feel like I have some unfinished business ahead of me. And maybe that’s why I’m no longer watching TV but reading more (so many books, so little time!) and itching to get back to my writing, whether it’s on this journal or leaving a little bit of my creative writing behind. When we’re gone, WE’RE GONE, until Christ comes back to get us.

And then, will we know our families? Kevin and I plan on being buried side-by-side. When we rise from the dead, will we know each other? I don’t really know if the Bible says anything about recognizing each other in our new life. Kevin doesn’t think so, and that SCARES me.

And makes me incredibly sad.

It also scares me that not all of the people I care about will be around in the new life. Some people I care about are not believers and they won’t be around AT ALL.

Christ coming back and leading us into a new, much better life is exciting, but what scares me is … what then??

If you would like to know more about Christ and possibly accepting him as your Lord and Savior, please check this out.

Let’s plan on seeing each other in the new life, shall we?

Daily Prompts

My Life: Day Four

I’m attempting to force myself to write in my blog every day. I’ve gotten SO BAD at keeping up these past several years and someday I’ll be dead and then what?

I’ll be gone but hopefully not forgotten. (Feel free to use these prompts for your own writing).

Today’s prompt(s):

Sleep: What things help you sleep at night? Or, are you a night owl? Do you get enough sleep or wish you could sleep more?

Out of curiosity, I searched “sleep” on YouTube and to my surprise, there were three different “live” videos playing relaxing music and videos of peaceful, beautiful landscapes to help you relax enough to fall asleep, I guess.

Random to tell you that, but interesting – a lot of people have trouble with sleep.

I wonder why, truly. Is it because people’s stress levels are too high? Unresolved life issues? Health problems? Busy brains that can’t shut off? All of the above?

I love to sleep and getting to sleep is not my problem, staying asleep is.

I’m a fish when I sleep. I flop around and change positions multiple times every night. It’s so disruptive, in fact, that Kevin and I don’t sleep together. We can’t. We just don’t sleep that well together. I flop around and snore, he sleeps with a Cpap (a sleep apnea machine because he actually stops breathing at times and the machine kicks in and makes him breathe again) and he sounds like Darth Vader.

Sexy.

But it works for us. We actually sleep. And Kevin, who has never been a good sleeper, is finally able to sleep.

The thing that helps me sleep at night – mindless activities. Whether that’s watching YouTube videos (though it’s not recommended that you stare at electronics before sleep), playing the Sims, (because I LOVE me some Sims), or reading, it works. I still my mind and my body follows shortly thereafter. I fall asleep fast, but since I’m so restless and have to get up and pee three times a night, I’m up, a lot. But again, I can fall back to sleep rather quickly, so that helps.

I wear a Garmin, which keeps track of my sleep patterns, (whether it’s accurate or not is still debatable) and if I can get four hours of deep sleep, it’s a good night for me. I think my record of deep sleep was six hours and that was largely because I took a Benedryl before bed.

I used to be a night owl, but now I guess you would call me a reluctant early bird. I trained myself to get up early shortly after marrying Kevin, who gets up at the ass crack of dawn every morning (though he’s not as bad as he used to be). Then we had children, so I had to get up with them. And now I’m up with the roosters every morning to get ready for work so I’m lucky if I stay up past 9:00 PM most nights.

I don’t necessarily wish I got MORE sleep, I just wish I got BETTER sleep. More deep sleep. I’m a very light sleeper so anything and everything wakes me up. I sleep with a fan on every night, even in the dead of winter, just for the consistent noise. Because anything other than absolute quiet will wake me up.

It’s so annoying.

I’m annoying.

Daily Prompts

My Life: Day Three

I’m attempting to force myself to write in my blog every day. I’ve gotten SO BAD at keeping up these past several years and someday I’ll be dead and then what?

I’ll be gone but hopefully not forgotten. (Feel free to use these prompts for your own writing).

Today’s prompt(s):

The Unrequited love poem: How do you feel when you love someone who does not love you back?

I haven’t really been in very many relationships in my life. My first boyfriend just wasn’t that into me and it broke my heart. I gave him ALL of me and he discarded me like yesterday’s socks. To make matters worse, he started dating someone while he was still with me. I immediately broke up with him when I found out, which in hindsight, was what he wanted, I suppose. Then he wasn’t put in the awkward position of breaking it off with me.

Pussy.

But that experience taught me to harden my heart. It broke something in me. I remember holing myself off from civilization, for days, and analyzing every aspect of that relationship and coming to the conclusion, the only person I can ever truly count on, is me. I never again allowed anyone to get as close to me or to give myself as fully. It was just too painful. I’ve given all that I’m capable of giving to Kevin and no one else.

Ever.

I wish I could give more to Kevin, but there is a wall that no matter how hard I try to break down, remains to this day.

In some ways, I feel like that experience damaged me. It made me cold, uncaring in a lot of ways. I truly don’t care. I mean I care, but only to a point. It scares me sometimes how cold I can be.

But in other ways, I’m sort of glad it did happen. I don’t get that upset when someone pulls out of my life. I just shrug and  go on with my life. I’m not exactly proud of this trait, but it’s definitely protected me from getting hurt. And if people don’t want to make that much effort to be part of my life, I’m certainly not going to chase them down and MAKE them. Meh. Life goes on.

I had another “relationship” right before Kevin. I wouldn’t call him my boyfriend because I wasn’t naive enough to think it was going anywhere, he was separated from his wife. They were on the crux of getting divorced. He was someone I went to high school with and had a huge crush on, though he didn’t give me the time of day in high school because contrary to popular belief, I wasn’t part of the “cool” kids – I was one of those kids that was on the outskirts of many different groups of kids – I was friends with everyone and no one at the same time.

(Remember the cold heart trait?)

But it was an intense relationship. We had fun together. It was lighthearted and never serious. But I did like him. The night before his divorce was final, his wife called him and wanted to talk. He was torn. I didn’t want to let him go but I knew if he didn’t, he would always wonder “what if.” So, I encouraged him to go.

He never came back.

It was hard, and I cried for hours afterward. I remember my roommate stayed up with me and tried to console me. But that piece of walled heart? Protected me and though I was sad, I wasn’t devastated. It didn’t break me, I simply went on with life.

Six months later, I met Kevin.

But I was cautious. I tread very carefully because when I met Kevin, he was newly divorced (six months) and I didn’t want to become the “rebound girl.” (I feel like this blog post just took a turn into deep emotional territory, grab hold of something).

So, I kept him at arm’s distance, though we did move in together and lived together for two years until I thought, “Okay, I think it’s safe to say I’m more than a rebound girl” and pretty much forced him to propose because tick/tock! Life is too short for you to make up your mind, either we get married or we move on.

Yeah, I’m such a romantic.

And here we are, almost 29 years married.

But that’s my romantic story in a nutshell. Sure, there were other guys sprinkled throughout that history, but none lasted very long because I wasn’t interested in anything long term – we had fun, we moved on. So other than my first boyfriend, I’ve never felt love for someone that didn’t return it.

I don’t know if that is something to be proud or to feel sad about. I’ll let you decide.

 

Daily Prompts

My Life: Day Two

 

I’m attempting to force myself to write in my blog every day. I’ve gotten SO BAD at keeping up these past several years and someday I’ll be dead and then what?

I’ll be gone but hopefully not forgotten. (Feel free to use these prompts for your own writing).

Today’s prompt(s):

Beauty: How do you define beauty? What things are beautiful to you?

I define beauty as kindness, confidence, smooth edges and soft textures. Something aesthetically pleasing to the eye. Color or shadowy blacks and whites. Giving and being thoughtful. Dark hair and light eyes. A hard physique but a soft heart.

A landscape that takes my breath away.

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A solemn, silent moment to reflect.

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A dizzying array of colors, patterns and lights.

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Happy smiles.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is beauty in nearly EVERYTHING. You just have to train yourself to recognize, and appreciate, it.

Daily Prompts

My Life: Day One

I’m attempting to force myself to write in my blog every day. I’ve gotten SO BAD at keeping up these past several years and someday I’ll be dead and then what?

I’ll be gone but hopefully not forgotten.

Today’s prompt(s):

Happiness: What makes you happy?

Also: New Year’s Goals – sorry, I’m going to be cliche for a moment.

What makes me happy … warm (not hot) sunny days. Sweet smell of flowers, or nice smells in general. Sharp, clean mountain air, cool ocean breezes gliding across my face. Funny people and entertaining stories. Being alone and immersing myself in an entertaining, imaginary world. Soft blankets and hot coffee. Challenging board games and comfortable clothes. Going on vacations with Kevin and coming home with really good pictures. Having adult conversations with our boys. Having a whole day in front of me with nothing to do and nowhere to be.

And here we are, friends, a brand new year. A clean slate. Out with the old, in with the new. Another year older.

Other than waking up each morning? I don’t really have goals. I guess my goals, overall, are to take a yearly vacation with Kevin, take more pictures and wrack up more memories. I would like to take a cruise with me and the boys one of these years but who knows when that will happen. Everyone has their own schedule now (though Blake is still working with Kevin, it’s hard for both of them to take off at the same time because that means there is no one to man the office) and we’re making the boys pay their own way (so they will appreciate the experience more) and that takes planning.

But it will happen at some point, I’m confident.

I’m really back into reading. I fell out of it for several years and I’ve missed it. I wrote about meeting my reading goal for 2018 and I’m looking forward to meeting my reading goal in 2019. I REALLY want to get back into writing, as well. My challenge is: since my day job sucks the life out of me and I’m so brain dead when I get home at night that all I want to do is veg out and do anything BUT think, I need to come up with a writing schedule that works for me, i.e. weekends/days off.

I’m trying to write these blog posts ahead giving myself  permission to post an occasional “bonus” post whenever something comes up or the inevitable rant because trust me when I say, I rant at times.

It makes me feel better. And it helps me put things into perspective.

Other than that? I don’t really have “goals” per se. This year it’s our turn to host Thanksgiving dinner, which means we will be doing stuff around the house in preparation. Stuff that we needed to do anyway and hosting a big dinner just motivates me to get it done. Side note: I’m working on making our Thanksgiving dinner into our Christmas party, too. I tentatively suggested this to Kevin’s mom and she wasn’t a fan, but I’m GOING to make it happen and I have several months to sell people on it. We’ll see if I’m successful.

I still plan on giving 150% at work, it’s just who I am. I can’t NOT give everything in me to do my very best. Especially when I respect my team so much. My goal has always been to be the best MA my doctor has EVER had.

I need to work on not being so stressed out. I think I’m better than I used to be, but I have a ways to go. I’m picking my battles, I have to, otherwise, I find myself getting worked up over trivial things or perceived injustices and honestly, in the grand scheme of things, did we die? (This is what we say at work when things get tense).

I’d like to build my relationship with my parents. I’ve not been a very good daughter – again – life happens. But they aren’t getting any younger and time goes by so damn fast. I’m not sure how that is going to happen yet, but I will work on making time for them.

Other than the, “I need to exercise and bring my BMI down” goal, I can’t really think of anything else. Overall, I have a pretty awesome life, notice I didn’t say perfect, but it’s comfortable and works me, I’m happy.

Isn’t that all anyone can ask for?