July 2021 Reflections

So I’m actually starting this post on July 17th because quite frankly, I’ve had so much on my mind that I completely forgot to write anything. But I’m DETERMINED to start this new “habit” so I’m starting today – I have my mood tracker in my bullet journal to look back on and elaborate on but who knows, maybe I’ll make something up. I’ll leave it up to you to guess whether is really happened or not.

And my right eye will NOT stop watering and it’s really starting to annoy me – also – I hope my false eyelash doesn’t come off because there is nothing worse than a wonky eyelash. Well, there are worse things and yes, I wear false eyelashes.

July 2: The nurse I work with – her youngest daughter – was “exposed” to COVID though it’s unsure whether someone actually contracted COVID or if Bonnie’s husband, first cousin’s friend had it. Her daughter wasn’t sick but she still had to self-isolate for ten days which meant my nurse and her husband had to scramble to figure out who was going to stay home with her and who was going to go to work. I’m so glad we don’t have small children in this day and age. Not just when it comes to COVID and the fact that parents are having to fight to even get their children in the door of schools and who knows what it will look like this Fall, but because of all the of the crap that school boards and unions are trying so hard to shove down children’s throats to start indoctrinating them to a certain way of thinking thereby molding them into voters who will vote for their crazy agendas in the future. I honestly think, if we were raising our boys in today’s society, we would yank them out of school and homeschool them. I know that’s not an option for many people because – bills – but if you can swing it, I would encourage you to give it a hard look – for your children’s sake.

I’m starting to find my groove with Dr. S’s clinics. I’m starting to get to know her a bit better and understand her preferences. As a result, her clinics are running better and she seems more relaxed and happy, at least, I hope so. Her patients, though, are needy and demanding. And it’s largely because she’s had team members in the past who weren’t firm and allowed themselves to be bullied into bending the rules. Look. People will be people and if you give someone an inch, they will likely take a mile. Not everyone, thank God, MOST people are great and it’s a pleasure to take care of them but there are the select few who will throw a fit and just be rude and nasty primarily because it’s worked for them in the past and why stop doing what works? Nope. That’s not going to work for me. There’s a new sheriff in town and I will do everything I can to help you but you will NOT bully me.


July 4: This is Blake’s favorite holiday. He loves blowing things up, lol. However, our July 4th has changed over the years and now we’re downright boring. We used to go to my in-laws who lived on the outskirts of town, with a bag full of fireworks and shoot them off but with my in-laws getting older and needing a smaller, more easily accessible place to live, we no longer have anywhere to go shoot off fireworks and so we stopped buying them.

The boys, my nephew, LeRoy and my parents came over and Kevin cooked steak burgers. They are the best hamburgers and by far my favorite. We had a nice dinner together and some great conversation and it was really nice to see my parents in the flesh – the hugs were pretty great, too. In fact, every time my mom hugged anyone my dad would say, “now you have the Rona.” Every time I think back on this past year and the fear we succumbed to it just makes me SO ANGRY. Never again.

After dinner, we went to a parking lot across the street from a nearby country club and mooched off their fireworks. The weather was perfect and we had excellent seats – we had a front row seat. And the fireworks were great – the ones at the end of the show looked 3D, like they were coming right for you. It was a lot of fun.

July 7th: The whole COVID experimental injectable thing is really starting to ramp up at work. Cases are on the rise and we have quite a few people in the hospital now with COVID. The hospital “claims” it’s due to the Delta variant that 100% of the patients in the hospital are not vaccinated but I find it hard to believe. I find it hard to believe anything “experts” say nowadays since these same “experts” keep changing their story every other day. It’s hard to know what’s true and what’s agenda. I still find it so fascinating, in a horror-kind of way, the sheer PUSH to get people vaccinated. Almost to the point it feels like desperation. Which makes me ask the question – why?? When you look at all the data, look at all sides of the issue, all of this for a disease that is not that serious for the majority of people? I’m not saying it’s not real, I’m not saying it’s not serious for some people, but the majority of people get through it fairly well … and there are medications and treatments that have proven effective to help combat the symptoms if given early on – why get a vaccine given this information? People are pushing vaccines in the hopes that life will get back to normal – news flash – it’s not. The hysteria and the lockdowns from this past year has changed our country. And the more people BULLY others to try and get this experimental injectable the more people are hesitant to get it.

And when the CEO of our hospital comes out with tweets telling people that DARE TO QUESTION THE EXPERTS to , SHUT UP, and then come out and say that the employees at our hospital that are hesitant to get something we don’t agree with and don’t know what it contains injected into our arms are hesitant because we’re not as educated as say, our doctors, is truly insulting.

That hesitation almost correlates directly with your educational level in our organization,” he said. “So our doctors have least hesitation. And lesser educated people have a higher hesitation. We get that it is very complicated.”

You arrogant piece of shit.

And on top of all of that, our competing hospital announced they are mandating the vaccine for their employees and they have until September 30th to get it done. The hospital I work for hasn’t mandated it yet, but it’s coming. It would be naïve of me to think it’s not happening soon. And on one hand, I get it, it’s a medical facility, they don’t want to inadvertently infect someone in the hospital when they are already vulnerable but what about MY rights? Is this something that I have to forfeit because I work there?

So, I’ve had a lot on my mind. I’m busy planning and plotting my next move. I’ve been very distracted and that’s the biggest reason I haven’t blogged much this month, or participated in the July Camp NaNoWriMo – I just don’t have the desire to create anything right now when my reality has been tilted on its axis.

July 9: Very disgruntled at work. Everything and everyone is annoying me. It’s like my eyes have been open and I feel like I already have one foot in and one foot out of this hospital. I’m mentally preparing myself to make changes though I’ve done very little as to actually make that happen. It’s not that I hope it won’t happen, it’s happening, I’m just trying to figure out the best course of action and timing is everything, quite honestly. Kevin is 100% backing me in whatever I decide to do. He thinks I should quit now while the job market is hot, and I don’t disagree with him, but I’m leaning more to waiting until they actually make an announcement. I’m so conflicted!

July 10: Kevin and I did something on our bucket list – we went and reserved our grave plots today. Ha! I know, how weird and morbid and no, it doesn’t have anything to do with COVID. We’re getting older, though we hope we have decades of living still left to do before we fall asleep, and it’s time to start thinking about where we want to be buried and to start paying for it as we don’t want to saddle our boys with the cost of our funeral. This all started with Kevin and LeRoy going out to visit Nanny’s grave, (LeRoy’s adopted mom), along with Kevin’s parents to pay their respects. While they were there, Kevin’s parents talked about their plots and how they would love it if the family would choose to be buried with the rest of the family. This got Kevin to thinking about our conversation, because we’ve had quite a few over the years, of where we wanted to be buried and to have it completely paid for before the day of our death. As it so happened, there were plots available near his parents so he came home to talk to me about it.

The whole subject makes me squirm because it’s so uncomfortable and morbid but death is a fact of life and we can’t pretend it’s not going to happen at some point. (Hopefully, not for DECADES to come). Before I wanted to give my consent, I wanted to talk to our boys and to my parents. My parents said they would likely be buried in a National cemetery since my dad was in the Army and the boys could care less what we decided or where we would be buried. It’s hard for them to think about that kind of thing because they’re in their mid-20’s and you feel immortal when you’re that age. So, we made an appointment and talked to the funeral .. representative. (I don’t know if they have an official name – this is new territory to me, give me a break!)

The girl we spoke with was very nice and even made us laugh telling us about a March Madness sale they had. I have no idea what death and sports have in common but their products were 40% off and we told her if they had any other kind of “promotions” like that to let us know because let’s fact it, 40% off caskets would be a good deal.

We have now reserved our plots. We know where we will be buried. It feels weird but it’s something we needed to do because you just never know what sort of curveball life will throw at you. We’re not scared of death, primarily because we’re saved and believe that Christ will come back to raise us from the dead, but we’re not welcoming it with open arms either. I think that’s one reason why people are so freaked out about this COVID crap – because they don’t have hope for the future. I find that sad, quite honestly.

Get saved – it’s easy.

July 16: My nurse’s oldest daughter was exposed to COVID. This time, they knew that another kid in her class contracted the illness so they told all the parents from that class that their children had to self-isolate for 10 days. Again, she’s left scrambling trying to figure out who is staying home and who is going to work for the next week and a half. Again, I’m so glad I don’t have little ones and again I ask – WHEN WILL THIS MADNESS END?!? I feel like we’re all stuck on this perpetual wheel of doom and I’d like to get off and get back to my life, thanks. Dr. M doesn’t have any clinics this week so it actually works out pretty well for my nurse and she will be working from home, but once again, I will be the one at work dealing with a lot stuff that gets thrown at me. *sigh* Such is life.

The propaganda is getting really thick at work. We’re being bombarded, every time we turn around, will screen savers, emails, announcements in our daily company newsletter, by co-workers talking about … just let me “educate” you. If you allow me to “educate” you then your doubts will simply melt away and you’ll willingly put your arm out for the jab. You’re not “educated” enough to understand that ramifications of getting the jab. If you were “educated”, then you could make better decisions – i.e., the decision WE want you to make.


Honestly, I feel suffocated and disturbed by the zombie-type messages being thrown into my face every which way I turn. I’m sick to death of the pressure and the innuendoes. If anything, people who are hesitant are likely MORE educated on the pros and cons of getting the experimental injectable than people who simply go along to get along and find it easier for someone to tell them what to do and how to think.

It’s MY body and I CHOOSE to say no thanks. I know the “risks”. I’ve been “educated” both on the jab and overall. I know what I’m doing. Get out of my business! AARGH. All of this pressure does NOTHING but make me want to leave sooner. No job is worth this crazy indoctrination. All this is doing is motivating me to work on my resume this weekend and prepare myself for a bit life change. That’s it.

Congrats, you just pushed me to make a final decision.

July 21: It’s been a quiet week and it’s only Wednesday. Dr. M has been out all week and Dr. S only has one clinic which is tomorrow. My nurse’s oldest daughter was potentially exposed to COVID and has to quarantine for 10 days so she has been working from home in order to be there with her. I’ve had two days where I’ve been completely alone. Phones have been … decent, at least for Dr. M., Dr. S’s phone calls were crazy today, but I’ve gotten A LOT done and I’ve prepped a weeks worth of clinics ahead of time. I feel good. I’ve made a lot of progress.

I’ve done all of this while dodging GET THE JAB propaganda via screen savers that constantly give you the percentage of employees and nurses vaccinated (spoiler alert – we’re up to 65% now), the daily newsletter that contains nothing BUT persuasion pieces to participate in the rewards program for vaccinated people only, thereby further alienating people that have chosen against the experimental injectable at this time, pop-up notifications: EMPLOYEE VACCINATION CLINIC GOING ON NOW, (I kid you not), to now seeing pictures of patients dying in beds while surrounded by hospital staff working to save them. I’m not saying that’s not sad to see, but it’s almost grotesque how OBSESSED the hospital administration has become to bully and coerce and bribe the staff to get something they should have a choice to decline.

I’m. Just. So. Sick. Of. All. Of. It.

*deep breath*

Anyway, I’ve gotten a lot done at work, despite these brainwashing tactics but I’ve also been super distracted because I’m weighing my next move. Here’s what I’m thinking at this point in time:

I really want to work at Hobby Lobby. I just think it would be fun to work there. I love that store, which is funny because I suck at crafts but they’re still fun to work on. (Maybe it’s because my mom loves crafts and it’s a subconscious way to be closer to her – how’s that for psycho-analyzing myself).

I think I would be a shoe-in for a teller position. I have banking experience, (that’s where Kevin and I met), and I think I could get a job in banking fairly easily.

I wrote out my pros and cons today for each job thinking that might help me narrow this down – newsflash, it didn’t. Here are my pros and cons:

Hobby Lobby Pros:


  1. Relaxed dress code – you get to wear jeans and sneakers every day. That is one thing I will miss when I leave healthcare – you get to run around in your PJ’s all day (i.e. scrubs)
  2. It would likely be brainless work. Not to knock what the employees do but compared to having to put a mini-puzzle together for every patient – it seems pretty easy. I would like a job I could actually leave at work.
  3. It’s Christian based. This one is HUGE for me. I’d like to support them any way I can.
  4. Physically active all day long. I prefer that, to be honest.


  1. I would be making less money. Starting pay is lower than what I’m making now, not much, but enough to really notice when it comes for a paycheck.
  2. The positions listed right now are for part-time, not full time. So, I’m thinking I could work evenings after I get off my day job at the hospital and then work my way into a full-time position when one comes open. Yes, it would suck at first, but at least my foot would be in the door and who knows how long I have until the hospital mandates the jab – so I have a little time I can play with right now.
  3. I would have to work Saturdays, but not Sundays, as they’re closed on Sundays. But let’s be honest, I don’t do much on Saturdays anyway, I might as well get paid.

Banking Pros/Cons:


  1. Its’s a full-time position.
  2. I would make more money than I’m making now
  3. It would be mentally challenge – because every transaction is different and you have the additional challenge of making sure you balance every night. It’s harder than you might think.


  1. You have to cross sell products. That’s the biggest reason I left banking to being with – because they really push that crap and though I’m all for selling a product if the opportunity presents itself, I don’t want to cram it down someone’s throat.
  2. Have to dress up. Which sounds great, until it gets old, which is about two weeks. And I would have to spend money on buying clothes appropriate for the job.
  3. You sit all day. You don’t really get up and move much and I’m used to moving all day long.

So yeah. I have all of that information swimming around my pea brain competing for attention on top of doing my regular job. It’s exhausting. I’m glad it’s been quiet this week, it’s giving me a chance to think about my situation. Now, if I could just make a damn decision …

July 24: Still struggling on which path to take for work. I spoke to three people yesterday and asked them if they would mind if I use them as personal references – they all said yes. One was my manager. Though she knew my thoughts and feelings about this upcoming vaccine mandate, it was a hard conversation to have. We have worked together for 10 years – I’ve never known the place without her. She understands my reservations and she didn’t try to convince me to take the jab, nor made me feel stupid for having reservations and I appreciated that. Unlike our CEO who is a jerk and can’t seem to resist the urge to say what he’s really feeling as opposed to acting like a CEO, but whatever. He’s not the reason I’m quitting though I would be lying if I didn’t say his asshole-ish tactics have not helped.

My indecision on how to move forward stems from the fact I have too many options at this point. And I don’t really have a timeline – my hospital hasn’t mandated the jab yet, they say they will wait until the FDA approves the jab, which I’m hearing now could be January before that happens. The approval date has already changed several times, (yet another reason I’m hesitant – if this thing is so safe why hasn’t the FDA approved it before now?), so who knows if it will actually happen in January. In fact, I’m betting the FDA will continue to string people along and not commit to a date because it takes TIME to put a new technology, like the mRNA, through it’s paces so realistically, I could continue to work at the hospital for several more months, if not a year. (I don’t think it will be that long, just thinking out loud here).

I guess my biggest question, DO I WANT TO? I’m already tired of living under a black cloud of uncertainty and the propaganda and the sheer bombardment of “enticement and rewards” for the vaccinated is already started to wear on me. Do I want to put up with this stress for however long it will take the hospital to mandate the vaccine?

Not really, no.

And the timing – there are employers out there virtually BEGGING people to come work for them right now. There is no guarantee that will be the same situation one month, six months from now. So changing jobs right now would be a smart move because I’m betting I could get another job quite easily.

Here’s the thing – I know it’s coming. It’s inevitable. It’s now just a question of when I’m going to do this. I’m hesitating largely because of these reasons:

  1. I truly do like and respect the people I work with. We’ve all been through some TOUGH times. A lot of clinic changes – I remember working close to 50 hours per week when we moved from our old building into the tower at the hospital. That was also the time we worked endless hours transferring records from our old EMR (electronic medical records) program to the EMR program that the hospital used. That was rough. Through management changes – that was rough. Through staffing shortages – also rough. And of course COVID and having to reduce the number of staff because surgeries were put on hold and there wasn’t any work for us to do.
  2. I’m very comfortable in my job. I know what I’m doing and I’m damn good at it.
  3. I’m the veteran MA and though nothing if “official”, I’m the one everyone comes to with questions.
  4. I’m very loyal to Dr. M and his mid-level. They have been very good to me and I appreciate them, very much.

And let’s face it, I don’t want to go somewhere and start over. I don’t want to go somewhere and have to stress about learning something new and learning how to get along with new people. It’s exhausting. And I only have ten years left until I retire – why couldn’t this have happened closer to that time?


I will be more confident once I have a plan but right now? I don’t have a plan and there are too many variables at play here. Sure. I could get a part time job with the intention of making it full time when someone comes up but the question is – do I really want to work 60 hour weeks?

Not really, no.

I need to bite the bullet and make a decision. All of this indecisiveness is really starting to wear me down and I know Kevin is sick of hearing about it.

Speaking of Kevin, he and LeRoy went on a camping trip. They took Victory (our cargo trailer converted into a camper) out for test run this weekend. Last night was their first night. Kevin said it went really well, the mattress we bought is hard and the air was a bit stuffy around the bed, (which is in the back of the trailer), but everything seems to be working well. The toilet he set up works great though he did say there is a small leak in the kitchen plumbing which he’ll fix when he gets back. They are camping near a lake so it’s cool there, which is good, because this weekend will be the hottest it’s been all summer so far.

We are planning our trip at the end of September, but who knows if it will actually happen with my work situation being so “fluid” right now.

Arrgh! Just make a damn decision, Karen!

While Kevin and LeRoy are out having fun, I reached out our boys to see if they wanted to go out to eat with me tonight. They said yes. Which I knew they would because they know I will pay for their dinner because – MOM. We’re eating at a really good Mexican restaurant literally walking distance from their house. I’m looking forward to seeing and talking to them. And I’m hoping they will love this restaurant and go there themselves sometimes. They are like me though, super cheap with their money, so we’ll see. But 1. I want to encourage them to get out of their apartment more and 2. I want to support this restaurant because it’s privately owned and I’m sure COVID and not being able to hire people has slammed them. In fact, I know they are short staffed because the last time Kevin and I went there they had a sign on the door that said they were having to close on Mondays due to lack of staff.

After dinner, we’ll likely get some ice cream. I’m looking forward to my “date.” Kevin is already jealous. lol While the cat’s away …

July 29: Where to start.

I still have my job, but not for much longer. I know I keep saying that, but this week … was rough.

As usual, I had three clinics back-to-back this week. I know for some medical assistants that have clinics every day that likely doesn’t seem like a big deal, but my job not only encompasses clinics, but I do the scheduling, answer phones, return phone calls, prepare for upcoming clinics, make sure patients who have been seen are scheduled for testing, etc. There’s a lot.

I heard an applicant they interviewed was really great and they were going to introduce her to Dr. S to see if she liked her which happened today and I was off today so I don’t know how it went.

But until we get someone hired for Dr. S, trained and up and running, I’ve been taking care of two doctors.

Dr. M was a bear this week. I know he has a lot of personal stress right now, along with the whole COVID rhetoric that the hospital quite literally rams down our throats, but geez louise, the man was CRANKY this week. So I’ve been staying clear of him because I know him well enough to gauge his emotions and I didn’t want to make him even more cranky.

Unfortunately, I have been very vocal on my unwillingness to get the jab. I wish now I had kept quiet about it as it would have made my life much easier, but Dr. M called a team meeting on Wednesday after clinic and basically tried to “educate” me, or to understand, why I wouldn’t take the jab. I didn’t really want to argue with him, especially in front of the whole team, so I kept quiet. I knew this “talk” was coming, but I didn’t appreciate how it felt like an intervention and I literally felt cornered. It was uncomfortable and awkward. I kept my cool but IT. WAS. HARD. I was very angry and very emotional. I know he only did that because he cares about me and not wanting to break up the dream team because honestly, we all five work so well together, it’s unusual and you hate to do anything to mess that up, but the line has been drawn for me and I won’t budge.

I didn’t say much and when the conversation reached a lull, I said, “well, have a great week off!” Because he’s going on vacation next week, which, THANK GOD, because I think we all need the time to cool off and get control of our emotions. It felt like goodbye but it’s not goodbye …yet.

A few hours later, I get an email from Dr. M. He apologized for “cornering” me but he cared about me and didn’t want to lose me and he was just trying to understand why I felt the way I did. He also gave me a link to some information and said he would talk to me more about it when he returned from vacation.


It’s not that I don’t want to talk to him and I don’t appreciate his time and I too care about him and enjoy taking care of his patients, but there’s really nothing more to say – I will not get the jab.

He asked if I would consider getting the jab after the FDA approves it and I said I couldn’t commit to that but I would seriously consider it.

Actually, I’ve been seriously considering this entire subject for WEEKS and I’m sick and tired of talking about it and thinking about it but since I’m living it every day, it’s sort of hard to avoid it.

After every one left for the night, I went to my manager fully intending on turning in my notice. I sat there for long moments and I just broke down. I sobbed so hard it was embarrassing. This was the only time I have been thankful for the masks because I kept mine on in order to hide my ugly cry face.

And trust me, I have an UGLY cry face.

She was great and listened to m and told me not to do anything in that moment but to enjoy my days off, think about it and then move forward with a plan after that. She was right, I had done a great job of keeping my emotions in check in front of my team but the dam burst and I just had a meltdown. Thank God I have the next several days off so that I can calm down and resign myself to my new reality.

I still haven’t made any final decisions yet. One minute I’m typing up my resignation and the next minute I’m like, I’ll wait until they mandate it. Here’s the thing, they may not mandate the jab for months, or they may mandate it next week. WE. JUST. DON’T. KNOW. So for now, I’m going to take it day-by-day. That’s all I can do for right now. I need to stop obsessing about it because it’s messing with my head and certainly my heart and I just can’t take it anymore.

But, I am going to buy thank you notes and write each of my team members heartfelt notes WHEN I finally have to say goodbye.


*takes a breath* The bottom line, it was an emotional week, I’m glad it’s over and I hope it doesn’t get awkward for my team from this point on. I’m going to work extra hard, be extra charming and make an impression because I want to INSURE my team never, ever forgets the greatest medical assistant any of them have EVER had.

Also – we’re going camping!! More on that soon.

July 31: I didn’t want to go camping. In fact, it was the last thing I wanted to do, especially right now being the hottest part of summer but after calling Kevin shortly after receiving the email from Dr. M., crying, asking for guidance, I think he started to worry about me. I hate to coin the term “mental health” when I feel like everyone uses that for various reasons and excuses but honestly, I felt my mental health was suffering. I hate to let people I like and admire down and I feel like that was what I was doing to my team. So, we’re here. We arrived yesterday about 3:30 PM. It’s a campground about 45 minutes south of us and we’ve never stayed here before. I think it was actually Kevin’s idea. This is my first time camping in our new cargo trailer and it was a learning process. I helped Kevin back into our spot, he unhooked the truck and we started getting the hoses out to hook up the electricity, only, we hadn’t backed far enough back so Kevin had to hook the truck back up and we had to back up about another two feet in order for our cable to reach.

Note to self, make sure our electric cable can connect before unhooking the truck next time. We got the water and sewer hooked up and then Kevin used the jacks to stabilize it. The temperature was about 95 degrees, high humidity and by the time we got done with the outside, we had to sit down and cool off before getting the rest of the place functional. In fact, I felt faint because I hadn’t eaten all day and I hadn’t drank too much water because I didn’t want to have to feel the urge to pee while driving down so … it was rough. And yet another confirmation that we do NOT need to go camping in the middle of summer.

I’ll post more about the site and pictures in a future post. I want to do a better job of documenting our camping adventures than I have with our cruises, which, a part from pictures, hasn’t been very good.

It’s like I’ve stepped into an alternate reality since leaving home – away from the news, work, all the COVID crap. It’s like COVID doesn’t exist here. The place is packed and people are just living their lives, it’s refreshing to see that life CAN exist outside our liberal city.

I’m going to enjoy some quiet time reading and then some lunch. I’ll post more about our trip later.

Also – IT’S AUGUST, YA’LL!! How did this happen??