(This post was originally published 5-23-09).
This post is about my personal experience with The Love Dare. If you would like to learn more about The Love Dare, go here.
Day Seven: Love is not jealous. Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealously. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he/she recently enjoyed. How hard was it to destroy the list? What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate? How can you encourage them toward future successes?
From The Love Dare book:
¤¤¤ Jealously is one of the strongest drives known to man. It comes from the root word for zeal and means “to burn with an intense fire.” The Scripture pointedly says, “Wrath is fierce and anger is a flood, but who can stand before jealously?” (Proverbs 27:4).
There are actually two forms: a legitimate jealously based upon love, and an illegitimate jealously based upon envy. Legitimate jealously sparks when someone you love, who belongs to you, turns his/her heart away and replaces you with someone else.
Illegitimate kind of jealousy is rooted in selfishness. This is to be jealous of someone, to be “moved with envy.”
Do you struggle with being jealous of others? Your friend is more popular, so you feel hatred towards her. Your coworker gets the promotion, so you can’t sleep that night. He may have done nothing wrong, but you become bitter because of his success. It has been said that people are fine with your succeeding, just as long as it is not more than theirs.
Jealously is a common struggle. It is sparked when someone else upstages you and gets something you want. This can be very painful depending upon how selfish you are. Instead of congratulating them, you fume in anger and think ill of them. If you’re not careful, jealously slithers like a viper into your heart and strikes your motivations and relationships. It can poison you from living the life of love God intended.
You don’t usually get jealous of disconnected strangers. The ones you’re tempted to be jealous of are primarily in the same arena with you. They work in your office, play in your league, run in your circles … or live in your house. Yes, if you aren’t careful, jealously can also infect your marriage.
When you were married, you were given the role of becoming your spouse’s biggest cheerleader and the captain of his/her fan club. Both of you became one and were to share in the enjoyment of the other. But if selfishness rules, any good thing happening to only one of you can be a catalyst for envy rather than congratulations.
Because love is not selfish and puts others first, it refuses to let jealously in. It leads you to celebrate the successes of your spouse rather than resenting them. A loving husband doesn’t mind his wife being better at something, having more fun, or getting more applause. He sees her as completing him, not competing with him.
A loving wife will be the first to cheer for her man when he wins. She does not compare her weaknesses to his strengths. She throws a celebration, not a pity party.
It is time to let love, humility, and gratefulness destroy any jealously that springs up in your heart. It’s time to let your mate’s successes draw you closer together and give you greater opportunities to show genuine love. ¤¤¤
Kevin has never really given me a reason to be jealous – the legitimate kind of jealous. Which is odd, considering he’s been married before, you would think I would be jealous of his relationship with his first wife – but I haven’t been. I suppose the biggest reason it never became an issue between us was because I’ve never met his ex-wife and she moved out of the state shortly after their divorce so … they’ve never had any contact with each other in our years together and she’s never been an issue between us.
(Thank you, God).
However, I’ve had bouts of jealousy in our marriage – the red hot, ugly I’m-going-to-rip-your-head-off kind of jealousy. It’s inevitable that someone will come along in your life that you’re attracted to – both physically and emotionally. It’s going to happen – don’t even tell yourself that it won’t.
And when it happens, you’ll be tested in ways you never thought possible. Like a red, ripe, juicy strawberry dipped in decadent chocolate and dripping sweet drops of goodness, temptation will be waved in front of your face.
And it will be so hard, so very hard, to resist that first bite.
But you must. Resisting that temptation will be a true test of your strength, of your commitment to your spouse, and your resolve to honor your promise, to both your spouse and to God.
To give in is to be weak. Deny it all you will, it’s a fact. The reasons one gives in doesn’t matter; the damage has been done. The trust has been broken. And it’s a long, hard road to mend the marriage.
IF it can be mended.
I’ve often wondered how I would feel if Kevin had an affair. What exactly would I do? My gut reaction would be to leave his sorry ass, pronto. But would I? Really? I’m a fair person. I would wonder exactly what I did, or didn’t do, that pushed him over that edge. My husband is only human – if I didn’t give him what he needed then why WOULDN’T he stray from the relationship.
And vice versa, of course.
I don’t know. I’m not an expert. And to lump affairs into one category is cruel and unrealistic – there are so many reasons that it can happen. But if it ever happened to me … I have no idea how I would react. I suppose it all depends on the circumstances.
I’ve had people in my life that had affairs on their spouses. And it’s so easy to judge, to offer criticism when in fact, there are always two sides to the story. The people I’m referring to had the strength to patch things up and they are still together today. But I often wonder just HOW much of a toll it took on their marriage and just HOW happy are they right now?
I admire their willingness, and courage, to navigate that rocky terrain.
And I pray I never have to navigate that rocky terrain.
Kevin has had crushes on women. I know this. He has admitted it. They have been women he’s worked with and I’ve met them at company functions.
They were also gorgeous.
It KILLED me whenever he had to take a business trip with the women he had crushes on. I would agonize and imagine all sorts of illicit scenarios. (Sometimes it’s a curse to have an active imagination). And I’ve had numerous nightmares of him leaving me for another woman – so real that I would wake up in a cold sweat and be convinced that it really happened.
My point is, he was tempted. And I’ve been tempted. The temptation happened – but nothing else did.
I’ve had to learn to trust my husband for really, what choice do I have? I can’t follow him around every minute of every day (at least, not without having a restraining order slapped on me) so at some point, the trust has to be there.
Let’s hope neither of us ever breaks that trust.
As far as the illegitimate jealousy issue: my first reaction was to say no, I’ve never been jealous of my husband’s successes, but that’s not exactly true.
I’ve been jealous of the fact that he had the freedom to pursue his career. He didn’t have the responsibility of taking care of the kids while he traveled and moved up his career track.
I’m jealous of the fact he has a label – accountant. Whenever someone asks me what I do, I cringe. “I”m a web designer.” Which is true, I am. But the clients I have only have updates a few times a week – I certainly can’t call it my full-time job – well, it’s not a job that requires a 40-hour attention span, let’s put it that way.
I’m envious of his intelligence. The man never ceases to amaze me – he KNOWS so much! And here I am in my little corner, drool running down my shirt and lamely waving a DUNCE flag.
I’m not jealous of his successes very often, but the feeling does grab me by the nose hairs at times and yanks me back to reality. Instead of wallowing in self-pity though, I’m going to take advantage of the kids being older and able to take care of themselves (I have a 16-year old and a 14-year old, in case you didn’t know that), to start being proactive with my own career aspirations. My goal is to get a job this Fall, pay off my student loans and then go back to college, (paying as I go along), for my masters.
Just TALKING about that goal gets me excited. And it also helps ease my envious feelings about my husband’s successful career. I mean, I’m happy for the man, he certainly deserves his success, he’s worked very, very hard to get where he is today, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I’m just a teeny-bit jealous of him.