LOST – Write From Karen

Do you ever feel like your dreams are trying to tell you something? Or are a precursor to something in your life?

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t put a lot of stock in dreams. In fact, dreams rank right up there with horoscopes for me – the “interpretations” of dreams and horoscopes are just a bunch of misguided hocus-pocus, mumbo-jumbo crap that exists to cast doubt on our faith and to distract us from the reality of our lives. That’s my personal belief and there is nothing anybody can say that will change my mind about that.

However …

It’s interesting to read these interpretations because it gives me a chance to step back, look at my life and make the necessary adjustments …

… because I’m all about making my imperfect life just a bit more tolerable for those around me.

Case in point:

I have three dreams that occur on a semi-regular basis.

1. My cheating husband. I used to have dreams about my husband cheating on me, and then openly flaunting it in front of me (even going so far as to invite the woman over for family functions where I would then go all Jerry Springer on her butt because hello!? I’m not the kind of woman who handles that sort of betrayal with grace) a lot when we were first married.

Those dreams died a quiet death over time only to reappear around our seventh year anniversary – the time period when we were having marital problems.

Of course, I understood the significance behind those dreams without having to research it – I was feeling insecure about our relationship and felt like my flaws would eventually chase him away.

I’ve since learned to trust him, and myself, and I haven’t had that dream for a long, long time.

2. My teeth crumbling in my mouth. I mean, I’m standing there, talking, and suddenly I’m having to cup my mouth because my teeth simply disintegrate and fall into the palm of my hand.

I often wake up frantically feeling to make sure my teeth are still intact because it’s one of those dreams that just FEEL so REAL. It’s a very disturbing dream. So disturbing, in fact, that I looked it up online.

One interpretation said: To dream that you have rotten or decaying teeth, forewarns that your health and/or business is in jeopardy. You may have uttered some false or foul words and those words are coming back to haunt you.

That didn’t feel right. I’m in pretty good health and though there are aspects of my health that I wonder about at times, I’m not so worried about it that I’m freaking out or anything.

And though I am self-employed, I don’t see myself as a small business (though perhaps I should) therefore if I’m not a business, I’m not in jeopardy. (Hmm, I’ll have to analyze that one a bit more).

Then I ran across another interpretation about how I’m worried about losing my “looks” (*snort* as if I had looks) and growing older.

Ah. Now that one I could buy. I DO worry about growing older – getting wrinkles, body parts sagging, going gray. I never thought growing older would really bother me UNTIL I had to face the fact that the light at the end of my tunnel? Begins with a 5 and ends in a big, fat 0.

I haven’t had this dream in quite a while. Perhaps I’m finally starting to accept my age?

3. Being lost. This is the dream that I’ve had the most and am having now.

The latest one went something like this:

Me and the kids are in my car (and it’s actually my car – I drive a silver Vibe), and everything is fine. I have no idea where we’ve been, but the atmosphere in the car is relaxed – it’s a comfortable silence, we’re all distracted by our own thoughts. The radio is playing, but I have no idea what is playing – it’s just background noise.

We’re driving down this road and it’s familiar, yet, it’s not. I recognize some landmarks, but something is off. The scenery is … different somehow. And there are people everywhere. Not necessarily in cars, in fact, there are only a few cars on the road, but there are people on the side of the road just sort of … watching us. They aren’t being too creepy about it, but as we pass, they simply stop what they are doing and stare at us until we drive by and then they resume whatever it was they were doing.

I notice this strange behavior, but I don’t say anything to the boys about it. I don’t have to, they’ve already noticed it, too. But they don’t say anything about it either – we just sort of all exchange sideway glances or meet each others eyes in the mirror.

But I’m not panicking at this point. I just figure, whatever, let them look, I don’t care.

Once my attention shifts off of the people staring at us, I begin to notice that the road I’m on? Is not really familiar anymore. And the road has suddenly developed all sorts of hills and dips and it stretches out before us for as far as the eye can see.

My fingers tighten on the steering wheel and now I’m starting to feel nervous.

I glance to my left and I see a high school, not the high school GD goes to, but another high school in a different part of the city. And it’s the backside of the high school, not the front. I’m not freaking out too much at this point because I figure if I can see the backside of the school, then all I have to do is take a side road and I’ll be back on the side I am familiar with and can go home.

So, I pull off the road to the right, into this nondescript parking lot, and turn around. Suddenly, the road is packed and there are a ton of cars, just bumper to bumper. It takes me a very long time to merge back into traffic and head the other direction.

I now see the school on my right and I relax somewhat because now I’ll just backtrack and everything will be fine.

Only, it’s not. I keep an eye out for a side street to turn onto but I never see one. Now I’m past the high school and nothing looks familiar.

It’s like I’m lost, but I have the high school as my point of reference. I’m starting to panic. And the kids are starting to ask me questions, “Mom, where are we? What are you doing? Just turn here.” That sort of thing.

Feelings of frustration start bubbling up inside of me and I can feel an anxiety attack knocking on my subconscious. I wake up disoriented and bathed in cold sweat.

The dream wasn’t really disturbing, per se, but it was definitely creepy and left me feeling anxious and sad.

Curious, I looked up the dream interpretation for “lost” and this is what I found:

To dream that you are lost, suggests that you have lost your direction in life or that you have lost sight of your goals. You may be feeling worried and insecure about the path you are taking in life. Alternatively, you may be trying to adjust and get accustomed to a new situation in which the rules and conditions are ever changing.

To dream that someone else is lost, represents unresolved issues or feelings regarding the person that is lost. Consider also what aspect of that person you may have lost within your own self. Perhaps you need to recapture and re-acknowledge those aspects.

Being lost in a travel context suggests a period of transition, and uncertainty about arriving successfully at your next destination.

Interesting. I think this interpretation applies to me on two levels:

— I definitely think I’ve lost my direction and have lost sight of my goals. I want something, but I’m too afraid to go after it. And I am definitely feeling insecure about it. I’ve made a decision to seriously pursue my writing career this year and I’m scared out of my mind. I’m scared for two reasons: 1. that I will fail and find out that I really suck at this writing gig thereby being disillusioned and left wondering “what now?” …

and 2. that I will disappoint my husband who has the utmost faith in my abilities and has convinced himself that if I could just sell one novel, I would make enough that he could retire from his job.

No pressure.

The rules and conditions have definitely changed. I’m heading into uncharted territory and I’m the sort of person who can handle anything – as long as I know what to expect. It’s the not knowing that scares the beejeebees out of me.

— The fact that I had the kids with me puzzles me. I think maybe I’ve reached a point in motherhood that I don’t really know where I stand or where to go from here. I mean, there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to motherhood to begin with, but when the kids are little, you sort of know your role in their lives. But when they reach the teenage years, your role shifts and the rules change and guess what? There’s no one around to explain the new rules to you. And there are no obvious signs about how your role has changed or how you’re supposed to deal with those changes.

I’m just sort of aimlessly driving around looking for that road sign that will tell me where to go next. And the people standing around and staring? Could be the feeling I have that my decisions are being watched, analyzed and judged. After all, how I treat them now will ultimately affect how they interact with people in the future – their co-workers, their friends, their romantic interests.

No pressure.

Wow, sorry this is so long, but this dream sort of freaked me out. It helps to write it out and think about it in the light of reality.

The bottom line is, I’m feeling lost. I keep backtracking and second guessing myself and I’m desperately trying to find something familiar.

I think it might be time to swallow my pride and take out a map.

karen1

AAAHHHHH ……

The blog break did me good. Did you miss me?

I missed you.

Unfortunately, I didn’t get as much done as I would have liked – no surprise there.

Sunday, I got up early, inserted toothpicks into my eyelids (Gah, what an image!) so I could be awake (notice I didn’t say alert) enough to participate in bible study (hey, just because I elected to stay up all night and do the blog-a-thon doesn’t mean I could ignore my familial responsibilities). And by the time bible study was over, I had gotten my second wind so I was able to do my normal household chores. In addition, I went out to our little 21 foot travel trailer, unfolded the beds (it’s the hard-shelled kind that have the pop-out beds), sprayed the canvas down with waterproof stuff, and then cleaned it out so we could use it this weekend (we’re doing a quick camping trip to Branson – in 90 degree weather – did I mention I LIKE to sweat? *sigh*).

Messing with the trailer put me and the hubs in the mood for the whole “we love camping!” mode, so we drove to the Marshfield Camping World (first time there! And it was pretty small for being the ONLY Camping World in Missouri – we hicks heart our camping) to buy a new faucet. Our old one was made out of cheap plastic and had split in two and I don’t know about you, but it’s sort of important to have running water (along with air conditioning, a microwave, a CD player, a TV/DVD player, a toaster, because we’re BIG into the whole roughing it bit, *snicker*) when you’re out in the middle of nowhere. (Actually, that’s not true, we’ll be camping right off the main 76 Hwy “strip” in Branson so we’ll be within WALKING distance of a Chinese restaurant – per the boys’ insistence – our boys heart Chinese food).

We were also on the lookout for a new awning because the husband accidentally took a corner too sharp when we started out for our Colorado camping trip last summer and ran into a stop sign – that octagon attacked us with a vengeance! As a result, we have two lines of small, quarter-sized holes dotting one side of our awning. We can still use it, but if it rains, well, think sieve.

They didn’t carry any awnings at the store and the ones we found online were about $200 (just for the canvas!?) so now we’re thinking that since it isn’t really that bad, we’ll just patch it. Hey, I put up with a pop-up camper in near-hurricane weather on several occasions over the last ten years – we have the whole hillbilly look DOWN when compared to the monster RV’s that surround us. What are a few holes in our awning? Pfft. We’re used to the snooty once overs by fellows campers. (Actually, that’s not entirely true, other campers are usually pretty friendly, there are no strangers – sort of like a Shriners’ convention where everyone knows everyone else and pass the moonshine, will ya?)

As if sweating a few dozen pounds off from working on the trailer in humidity so thick you actually gag wasn’t enough, I thought I’d abuse myself JUUUST a bit more and work out for two hours. I did the 20 minute Turbo Jam session and then walked 90 minutes and watched “Numb” with Matthew Perry (don’t waste your time. Matthew, I love you, but dude, choose your scripts wisely, please).

I think that’s why I spent the majority of Monday in a headache-induced stupor because I rung my body out like a sponge on Sunday. (Dehydration is BAD). I sometimes get these sinus headaches and NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING, knocks them out. They aren’t so bad that I’m curled into a fetal position on the floor and drooling all over my chin or anything, but they are annoying enough and persistent enough to prevent me from thinking straight – or thinking about anything, actually.

However, I did manage to drag the boys away from their games long enough to watch LOST with me:

We’re currently on season three – no spoilers, please! We just finished the first disk and WOW, talk about a 180 degree stylistic turn from the other two seasons. The first episode was so dark and depressing that the boys and I just sat there and blinked in shock at one another. But we’re not giving up on it, we’ll trudge forward because now we’re too invested in the story NOT to.

This leads me up to Tuesday. I felt 100% better when I woke up Tuesday morning (though I woke up at 2:50 a.m. and not being able to go back to sleep, read for an hour) and I kicked butt on my to-do list, well on the IMMEDIATE to-do list – does it really ever go away? I worked out to Turbo Jam’s Punch, Kick and Jam, cleaned bathrooms, vacuumed, and made some progress on another website I’m working on (that kind of stuff gives me a CREATIVE high! LOVE doing that).

And this leads me to today. After my weekly lunch date with my husband, I have a meeting to attend and then I’ll most likely get some grocery shopping done because tomorrow, me and the boys are heading to our county fair with my mom and nephews. I have mixed feelings about the fair. On the one hand, it’s the FAIR, something I’ve gone to nearly every year since I was a kid (!), but on the other hand, it’s the FAIR, something I’ve gone to nearly every year since I was a kid – not much has changed, you know? But I love my momma and she LOVES her some fair (she enters a ton of things every year and usually walks away with a ton of ribbons every year) and I don’t want to disappoint her and besides, it gives me a chance to act all silly and be spoiled because my mom? Is the QUEEN at spoiling. After the fair, I’ll need to pack up the trailer because we’re leaving early Friday morning, which will work out perfectly because I’m sure I’ll be one huge, sweaty salt hill by the time we leave the fair (I sweat, all the freaking time!) so I won’t have to worry overly much about getting even more sweaty when I pack up the trailer.

That was one of the “agreements” I made with the husband so we could go camping – I’d do everything (except for hooking up the trailer and actually driving the thing), and he could sit back and relax. He’s been working uber hard lately and he truly needs to relax. Aren’t I a good little wife? *cough*

And now you’re caught up in the mundane things I like to affectionately call my life (seriously, no sarcasm intended – I adore my boring, mundane life).

Your turn. What have you been up to these past days?

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