Category: Thursday Thirteen

More really valuable tips from this site. Number 13 is especially important to WriMos. 😉

Thirteen Tips on How to Write a Really Bad Novel – Part Two 1. Nothing beats a catch phrase! I call Snoogity Bottom. 2. Brothers are always very different and they always argue about everything. Never portray brothers who are similar and get along unless they are twins (except if one is an evil twin). If they are twins they must finish each other’s sentences and no one should be able to tell them apart. 3. Sisters must always steal each other’s boyfriends. Additionally, one sister must be outgoing and the other must be quiet and serious. This makes no difference to the boyfriend though, he’ll gladly dump either for the other. 4. Don’t start your novel with an interesting event. Take a few dozen pages to explain everything that would lead up to that interesting event. The reader will gladly hang around until you get to the point. 5. Don’t make your secondary characters interesting. It will just detract from the main characters. Lesser characters don’t need reasons for their actions. They are just there to keep the plot moving. 6. If the plot seems to slow down, give someone a gun or a knife and kill off one of those secondary characters you don’t care about anyway. 7. If you want to write a serious novel, make sure the main character is jaded and has lost interest in life. This anti-hero must view all other people as phonies, fakes or idiots. The character should experiment with drugs and sex. At some point the character should watch someone die or at least be assaulted. At no point should the anti-hero feel any real pleasure. Happy endings are strictly prohibited. 8. Writing a mystery? Make sure the clues are really obvious or really obscure. Either way, your hero will be the only person who can piece these things together. At some point they must accuse the wrong person and be ridiculed for it. In the end though, they should deliver a speech that explains exactly how everything happened. 9. If you are writing about sports, make it clear that sports always provide important life lessons. Make sure the novel has one obsessive and one downtrodden coach. 10. Character conversations should always be used to explain what is happening and how people are feeling. It is perfectly natural to have a character explain to his office mate (whose brother is a bank president) that he used to be a safe cracker, but now he just wants to go straight. 11. Don’t forget to use italics when you want to emphasize something. 12. At the end of the book, you must have the main character reach an important and life-changing epiphany. Make that epiphany really obvious. Don’t worry about why they had one, just make sure they had it so the reader knows the book is ending. 13. Editing is just a waste of time. Spell check it and move on.

tags: thursday thirteen

More from Write From Karen

• January 2024 Reflections
• Follow the Crowd, Smells, Sports – DQ #4
• Remember COVID?
• Comfort Zone, Media, Kids Today – DQ #3
• Playing Chicken

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I happened to “stumble upon” this site and simply could not resist sharing these tips with you. Writers, are you paying attention? 😀

Thirteen Tips on How to Write a Really Bad Novel – Part One 1. Make sure you’ve got a lot of similar names too. Donald, Donna, Dina, Dana and Danny just feel right together. 2. Explain everything. When your character is angry, just say that she’s angry. There’s no point in trying to show that through her actions when you can just tell that to your reader. 3. Remember that real writers use a typewriter. They don’t like these newfangled computers. A manual typewriter and a bucket of Wite-Out™ are the tools of a serious writer. 4. Fill your book with coincidences, especially towards the end. Nothing beats having the exciting climax occur because the hero bumped into the villain in a small-town cafe when they both had a craving for peach-filled semi-sweet chocolate pie. Did you mention that both characters love the exact same pie? Now would be a good time. 5. Don’t let your character’s established traits get in the way of a good plot twist. Just because your hero is a priest who preaches non-violence (We’ll call him Father Angeltoe) doesn’t mean he can’t be an expert marksman with an itchy trigger finger. 6. Use lots of technical jargon. Don’t worry about whether your reader will understand it, or whether you understand it. Just stick it in. It will make your characters sound smarter. 7. If you are writing a historical novel, don’t sweat accuracy. The reader won’t care. Go ahead and have Napoleon invent the automatic rifle. Who could say he didn’t? 8. If you are writing fantasy literature, make sure your magical animals have never been thought of before. Try a talking armadillo. No, forget the talking armadillo. I want that one for myself. 9. Make sure to add …A Novel to the end of your title. You don’t want people to forget what they are reading. 10. Pile on the adjectives and adverbs. Why have a woman speak when you can have her whisper breathlessly in her lustful, wind-swept voice? 11. Don’t feel as if anything has to happen. Plots are optional. Two people sitting in a room staring at each other is great material, as long as it is handled with plenty of adjectives and adverbs (see tip ten). 12. Exclamation points! Exclamation points! Exclamation points! 13. Don’t sweat the order of the action. If the big football game needs to occur just after the prom, then that is when it should be.

tags: thursday thirteen

More from Write From Karen

• January 2024 Reflections
• Follow the Crowd, Smells, Sports – DQ #4
• Remember COVID?
• Comfort Zone, Media, Kids Today – DQ #3
• Playing Chicken

Thirteen “E” Words that Describe my Life

Scrolling through my life, one letter at a time.

1. Earring – I don’t wear jewelery, unless I’m dressing up to go somewhere, but never day-to-day. In fact, I rarely even wear my wedding ring, much to my husband’s chagrin (he likes to say, when I do wear it, “Ah. I see you’re married today”). Jewelery bugs me. It gets in my way; I lose patience with it.

The biggest reason I don’t wear my wedding ring is because when I worked in the cash office at Wal-Mart, I caught it on something one night and just yanked the crap out of it. I totally freaked out, afraid the diamond had popped out and ever since then, I haven’t wanted to wear it for fear of losing one of the most important things to me.

(NOT the ring itself, but what it symbolizes, in case you think I’m THAT materialistic).

2. Earthworm – I am not a creature person. Ya’ll know I’m not an animal person, and when it comes to creepy-crawly things, I’m even worse. I never give a second thought to squashing a bug or smashing a spider – if I find them in the house.

You’re on my turf, man. Be gone bug.

3. Eavesdrop – I have a bad habit of listening in on people’s conversations. Kevin and I will go out to lunch and suddenly, I’ll stop talking and stare at my food. Kevin knows exactly what I’m doing and teases me about it.

I can’t help it, I LOVE to people watch. I LOVE to listen to people talk. And I love to either try and figure out the story behind the conversation or simply watch how people handle the conversation with facial expressions and body language.

I admit, it’s rude. But at least I’m discrete about it. It’s not like I’m sitting there, with my elbows on my knees, my chin in my hand and popping popcorn while I enjoy the show.

Though if it were interesting enough, I just might. *wink*

4. Economy – I’ve never really been THAT into politics. I could care less what was going on in the country when I was a teenager and I was too busy working, being romanced, getting married and having children in my twenties. I started paying more attention to the economy and our government in my 30’s and now that I’ve reached my 40’s, I’m very aware of our economy and how this asinine government in office right now has completely turned it inside out.

I’ll tell you one thing though, this new-found awareness has piqued the boys’ interest and they are well aware that they will be forced to pay for Obama’s attempt to socialize our nation when they reach my age.

Once again, THANK YOU Obama for screwing up my kids’ future earning potential. I’d go on, but this is a family-friendly blog.

5. Edit – I am constantly editing. If you had any idea how many times I’ve read and then re-read my posts, it would make your head spin around. I can’t help it, it’s the writer in me, I suppose.

THIS is why National Novel Writing Month is such a big deal to me – because turning off my inner editor is freaking HARD for me!

6. Education – Important. I was determined, through hell or high water, that I would graduate from college some day – and I did, after going on and off for 10 years in between having children, working and taking care of my family. I’m proud of my accomplishment; it was really hard to juggle all of those balls at the same time. I also wanted to set a good example for my boys, to SHOW them that it’s never too late to learn new things.

And I don’t think education should stop at school. I think it’s absolutely crucial for people to continue to educate themselves their entire lives. By learning a new craft, or challenging their brains, or staying on top of current events (and making sure he/she has enough information before offering an opinion).

There is so much to learn and so little time to learn it, let alone implement what you’ve learned.

7. Educational Television – Important. It sounds so boring, but once you begin watching educational television, you realize how INTERESTING it truly is. So much TV nowadays is just brainless nonsense. Again, the world is an amazing place – let’s learn more about it and skip the reality shows which only showcase humans at their very worse (most of them, anyway).

8. Efficient – I like to be efficient. I like to feel like I’m in control of every aspect of my life. I think, overall, this is a good trait to have. Life just goes more smoothly when things are run efficiently.

9. Egocentric – There is no question that I’m self-centered. I think this blog proves it (but one could argue, how can a personal journal be anything BUT egocentric). However, I feel like I have a good balance between what I want and what my family wants or needs from me. I never hesitate to put my husband or my children in front of myself. If that means sacrificing the last cookie, or putting their comfort ahead of my own, then so be it.

There’s a time to be self-centered and then there’s a time NOT to be self-centered. The trick is knowing WHEN.

I’m still working on that part.

10. Election – You can bet your bottom dollar that I can not wait for the 2010 and 2012 elections.

We need change.

Wait. Scratch that. We HAVE to have change. Let’s take our country back and get back to our country’s basic principles; the principles that make this country great to begin with:

Freedom
Liberty
Personal Responsibility
Willingness to work hard and be proud of our accomplishments (and not have it handed to us)
Free market

11. Electronic – There is no question that I’m an electronic junkie. I love all things electronic. In fact, my whole family does. I love using electronics, I love testing new electronics, I can’t imagine my life without electronics.

We’re so blessed to be living in such a great age!

12. Elegant – Though I like to think I’m pretty down-to-earth, I DO like elegance. I like eating out at fancy restaurants and FEELING elegant. I appreciate people who exude elegance and class both in their speech and their demeanor. I enjoy being around people who proudly carry themselves.

Most of the time.

But being around someone THAT elegant or THAT pretentious all the time would, and does, get old after a while.

There are other times I prefer just to sit around in my sweats and belch. 😀

13. Emasculate – This is a pet peeve of mine. I can’t stand women who purposefully emasculate their men all in the name of feminism. The women who feel the need to prove to either themselves, or whomever, that they are stronger and better than their mates are generally weak, insecure and rarely happy in the end.

And if someone falls into that category and disagrees with my assessment, then I would like to add honesty and humility to that list, too.

Because if you’re honest, with me and with yourself, then you’ll know, deep down, that tearing someone down, making them feel inferior so you can feel superior, never ends well.

Ever.

There’s being a feminist and then there’s being a b*tch.

I could elaborate on this here, but I’ve already written about my experiences with this category, if you care to read more about it.

I don’t mean to be gettin’ all up in your business, but let’s be real ladies, men need to FEEL like men in order to ACT like men.

I’m just sayin’. *shrug*

Because honestly? Ideas for stories ABOUND from real life. You just have to pay attention.

But never mind that – who has time to pay attention? Let me point you to some wacky real-life stories:

(Pst. Listen up National Novel Writing Month participants – I’m offering all sorts of bizarre story ideas here. Don’t say I didn’t try to help you come up with something! 😀 )

1. Train misses drunken teen napping on track

PARIS (Reuters) – A drunk French teenager narrowly escaped death on Sunday after falling asleep on a railway track and slumbering undisturbed as a high-speed train roared over him, police said.

2. Kids send Marcus the lamb to slaughter

LONDON (Reuters) – A group of schoolchildren who reared a lamb from birth and named it Marcus has overridden objections by parents and rights activists and voted to send the animal to slaughter.

3. Body Worlds plans cadaver show dedicated to sex

ZURICH (Reuters) – German anatomists plan a new show dedicated solely to dead bodies having sex as part of the Body Worlds exhibitions.

4. Notre Dame sues ex-worker over $29,000 tip

INDIANAPOLIS – A woman who worked catering events for the University of Notre Dame says it was her lucky day when the school tipped her $29,000 in her check. But now the university is suing to get back the money she says she’s already spent.

5. Kansas couple’s trash bin tryst takes wrong turn

WICHITA, Kan. – A tender moment in a trash bin went all wrong for a couple who found themselves being held up at pocket knifepoint. Police said two 44-year-olds had climbed into a dumpster to be alone just after 6 p.m. Saturday when two men interrupted them and demanded their belongings. Officers said the man and woman were engaged in “an intimate moment” when they were robbed of their shoes, jewelry and the man’s wallet.

6. Execution fails over inmate’s unsuitable veins

CHICAGO (Reuters) – Executioners couldn’t find a suitable vein in which to inject drugs to kill a 53-year-old murderer, who then got a one-week reprieve from the governor so Ohio prison officials can figure out what to do.

7. Deputy goes to wrong home, finds different suspect

ELIZABETHTON, Tenn. – A northeast Tennessee deputy sheriff who went to the wrong house came back with his man anyway. The incident occurred Friday evening when Carter County Sheriff’s Deputy Richard Barnett responded to a domestic disturbance call, but mistakenly knocked on the door of the wrong house.

8. Man allegedly asks guests to leave with shotgun

ATHENS, Tenn. – An Athens man was accused of pointing a shotgun at visitors in his home in order to get them to leave. The man, 74 was charged with three counts of aggravated assault. He’s been released on $30,000 bond.

9. Ill. teacher accused of giving girls alcohol, pot

FOX LAKE, Ill. – A northern Illinois teacher faces felony charges after allegedly giving two teenage girls marijuana, alcohol and prescription drugs in exchange for work around her home. Kym Krocza was arrested Tuesday on charges of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. She is free on bond.

10. Snuggie shows new styles at NY Fashion Week

NEW YORK – All the big names came out for New York Fashion Week: Marc. Vera. Snuggie. Yes, Snuggie — the blanket with sleeves — staged a runway show on Tuesday, complete with high-fashion models and a new “urban jungle” line of zebra and leopard prints.

11. Man honored for 50 years of service at McDonald’s

CRESTWOOD, Mo. – A 68-year-old man who still works at the first McDonald’s restaurant in Missouri has been honored for 50 years of service. Leonard Rhomberg began his job at a McDonald’s restaurant in the St. Louis suburb of Crestwood in 1959, the year after it opened. And he still works there five days a week.

12. 107-year-old Malaysian woman seeks 23rd hubby

KUALA LUMPUR (AFP) – A 107-year-old Malaysian woman says she is ready to marry for the 23rd time because she fears her current drug addict husband might leave her for a younger woman, a report said Monday.

13. Wisconsin dad, son excel at cricket-spitting

MARSHFIELD, Wis. – Brian Johnsrud spat a thawed cricket 22 feet, 8 inches at the Central Wisconsin State Fair on Saturday. Minutes later, his son Jared shot his cricket 10 feet, 5 inches to win the 9-to-11 age division.

I adore these weird news stories because honestly, they are a writer’s dream – talk about strange and fascinating ideas – and they’re true!!

Which story did you find the most interesting/disturbing?

I’ll be writing a fictionalized account of one of the above stories very soon. Can you guess which one it’ll be?

Stay tuned …

Some of my favorite Post Secrets. I’m posting these because they resonate with me on some level.

1.

I love acting un-ladylike — when no one is around. hehe

2.

I agree. I think couture in general is ridiculious.

3.

It’s sad when we have to ACT unhappy to fit in with society, isn’t it?

4.

Your suspicions are correct – it takes more energy to be happy, but it’s worth the effort.

5.


Only if you define yourself in materialistic things. Redefine yourself and live life NOW. Don’t look back.

6.

I’m showing this one to my sons.

7.

Smart girls beat pretty girls every day — it’s just no one notices, or cares. Unfortunately.

8.

Give back when you can. You will be blessed, trust me.

9.


It’s sad when we have to ACT unhappy to fit in with society, isn’t it? (Yes, I’ve already said this, but it bears repeating, doesn’t it).

10.


I think people need to be reminded (and often) that teachers, waiters, retail personnel, secretaries, janitors, and every other person in a thankless job is actually a *gasp* person.

11.

Here’s a suggestion, channel that energy into something a bit more positive.

12.

We ALL feel that from time-to-time. Life is not perfect. You take what you’ve got and you work on making it better.

13.

I’m betting they keep you around because you’re the only one not OBSESSED with looking, or acting, perfect. I’m betting you’re a breath of fresh air and they’re actually jealous of YOU because you have the guts to be YOU.

What’s your favorite secret?

Visit the new Thursday 13 hub for more TT participants.

thursday thirteen

More from Write From Karen

• January 2024 Reflections
• Follow the Crowd, Smells, Sports – DQ #4
• Remember COVID?
• Comfort Zone, Media, Kids Today – DQ #3
• Playing Chicken

Thirteen Interesting “What If” Situations – How Would YOU Respond?

Please feel free to give your opinion on these situations even if you’re not playing Thursday Thirteen. There are no right or wrong answers here – it’s a question of scruples and what would you do?

You’re 50 years old, recently widowed and interested in dating. A long hard look in the mirror tells you that you look your age — the chin sags, the eyes droop and the brow wrinkles! A friend has recently had a face lift and looks great. Would you do it too?

My answer: First of all, define “recently widowed.” If Kevin passed away before I did, I am quite confident that it would take me a really, really, REALLY long time to EVER get to the place where I MIGHT want to date. I know, for a fact, I would never, nor will ever, remarry. Kevin is THE man for me. I can’t ever imagine wanting, or needing, another man in my life if he were to die.

However, with that said, and to be a good sport about this question, let’s assume that it’s been 30 years since Kevin passed away and I entertained the thought of going out with a guy. I would absolutely NOT have plastic surgery. Ever.

One reason is because I am who I am – flaws, wrinkles and all. I would never entertain the thought of surgically improving myself. I might gussy up and TRY and look nice and/or younger, but I would never go under the knife.

And secondly, I would never EVER have surgery for a man. If that man didn’t like me for me, then see ya.

Would you lie to your psychiatrist?

My answer: If I ever got to the point where I felt the need to go see a psychiatrist (and that’s a pretty big IF, as in colossal IF), then that means I’ve gotten to a pretty bad place in my life and mind. WHY would I go to the trouble of jumping through those mind-game hurdles only to lie when I reached the finish line? That seems counter-productive and not at all helpful. So no, I would not lie to my psychiatrist.

You are a photographer. A man hires you for his son’s wedding. He doesn’t ask your fee. You later discover that your client is very wealthy. Do you charge him more than your standard rate?

My answer: I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’d be tempted. But no, I wouldn’t charge him more simply because he can afford it. That would be taking advantage of the man and my conscience simply wouldn’t allow me to do that. (Did I mention I’d be tempted?)

I’d sure be urging him to tell all of his rich friends about me, though. 😀

You discover that you were invited to your cousin’s wedding only because other guests canceled out. Do you still go?

My answer: Depends. I’m assuming this cousin and I aren’t close, otherwise, I’d be on the main invite list to begin with. I don’t know, maybe. I’m thinking I wouldn’t go, but I guess it would depend on what sort of family pressure I was getting for NOT going. Ugh. There’s that family drama again.

Your spouse attends a conference in Las Vegas. Later, you learn that your spouse’s attractive office colleague of the opposite sex also attended the convention. Do you grill your spouse about it?

My answer: Well duh. I’d not only grill him, I’d demand to see his conference notes just to prove that he was indeed IN the conference and not off gallivanting around the strip gambling our life savings away.

Actually, it would be more subtle than that. Wait …. scratch that. This scenario actually happened. It was back when Kevin was working in private accounting and wowsiers, he worked with some hot babes. And they went on conferences and it bothered me. Greatly. But I just had to learn to trust him and get over my insecurities in order to handle the times when it happened.

I still grilled him though. 🙂

You are getting married and you receive a present in the mail from your favorite uncle. He lives abroad and always sends one-of-a-kind gifts. When you open the present, it’s broken. Do you tell your uncle?

My answer: Ack! Tough one. On the one hand, it’s a one-of-a-kind gift so I would most likely treasure it. I’d be so sad that it arrived broken. But on the other hand, it came from abroad, which means it probably cost a butt-load of money to ship. And what if my uncle had to travel a long distance in order to buy this gift? I’d hate for him to feel like he had to make that trip again just because the one he sent me got broken. I’d feel too guilty. I’m going to say no, I probably wouldn’t tell him it arrived broken. (Unless he asked. But then again, maybe not?)

While working for your company, you discover a testing technique that could make you rich if you were self-employed. Would you leave the company with your “big idea” and risk possible legal action about rightful ownership of the technique?

My answer: I’d be tempted (that seems to be my answer of choice this go-around). But no, I wouldn’t do it for the very reason stated above: I don’t want to get sued and lose everything in a messy legal battle. However, I MIGHT take that idea to my boss and see what he/she says. Who knows? It could mean a big promotion for me and ultimately more money in the long run. You never know.

You’re on a first date with someone special at a very elegant restaurant with very intimidating waiters. Your filet mignon arrives overdone. Do you send it back to the kitchen?

My answer: The short answer, no. The long answer, no. I hate to cause waves. And I’ve worked in the food industry — you don’t want to piss your server off. You just don’t. You hear about food people spitting and doing other disgusting things to customers’ meals? Well guess what, it happens. Seriously. Be nice to your servers.

I wouldn’t want to cause waves anyway, let alone on a first date. Even if it was under done, I wouldn’t send it back. I realize this is kind of a wimpy answer, but I don’t know, I just hate causing scenes, I guess.

As a special treat, you want to take your 12-year old to an award-winning movie. It has some nudity in it, but the reviewers say, it’s “fun for all ages.” Do you take your child to the movie?

My answer: First of all, I don’t listen to reviewers. I never agree with them. Ever. So, that’s out. I’m assuming, since a 12-year old can get into it, that the nudity might be a butt or even a boob or two (though even that is hard for me to imagine — they would seriously allow the ratings on something “risque” to include 12-year olds? I would think the backlash would be severe), or in other words, mild.

Yes. I’d probably take my kid. Why? Because the body is beautiful and I think it’s important to treat situations like this like it’s no big deal. And we’d talk about it later, thereby opening a dialogue on a situation that might not have presented itself otherwise. I firmly believe the bigger deal parents make out of stuff, the more the kid wants to know what the fuss is all about.

You are at a black-tie affair. The socialite hostess compliments you on your gown and asks you where you bought it. You bought it second-hand at the local thrift shop. Would you tell her the truth?

My answer: Depends. If the socialite is someone I like, respect and feel comfortable with, yes. If the socialite is someone who intimidates me or who would hold the fact that I shop second-hand against me and/or that knowledge would diminish my overall value to her and I think she can perhaps help me out at some future point, then no, I wouldn’t tell her I bought it second-hand. But I wouldn’t make up a place that I bought it, either. I would simply pretend I couldn’t remember where I bought it and then quickly changed the subject.

Not exactly the most noble answer, but I’m trying to keep it real.

Your accountant can cover a $20,000 windfall you made by falsifying some business expenses on your tax return. Do you agree to the “creative accounting?”

My answer: Isn’t that what got us into this stupid stimulus mess to begin with: creative accounting?? I’d be tempted, because who wants to own up to a $20,000 mistake, but no, I would tell my accountant to leave the creative part out of his accounting practice, please.

Your current lover asks you how many sex partners you’ve had in the past. Do you tell the truth?

My answer: Depends. If I’m going to be honest with him, then I need to be prepared to hear his honest answer as well. Why lie? Be honest, and if your lover can’t handle it, you’re better off in the long run.

(And yes, Kevin and I have had this conversation. It was awkward, but also a little amusing, if you want the God’s honest truth). 🙂

Your next door neighbor is collecting for a charity in which you have no particular interest. Do you contribute?

My answer: Depends. (I say that a lot, don’t I). If I had the money, and I was okay with the charity, then probably. However, if I didn’t agree with the philosophy behind the charity, or I thought the charity was a scam, then no, probably not.

____________________

Your turn. Pick one (or more) of the above scenarios and tell me what you would do. I’m curious. 😀

More from Write From Karen

• January 2024 Reflections
• Follow the Crowd, Smells, Sports – DQ #4
• Remember COVID?
• Comfort Zone, Media, Kids Today – DQ #3
• Playing Chicken

Some of my favorite Post Secrets. I’m posting these because they resonate with me on some level. What’s your favorite secret?

1.

Get out of debt- it solves so many problems.

2.

What would YOURS say?

3.

Who hasn’t?

4.

But then that day comes and we wish for our old life back.

5.

And that, my friends, is something my boys will never say about my mothering skills. If anything, I’ve prepared them a little TOO much.

6.

I’m mellowing in my old age. Now, instead of getting annoyed, I get amused … and a little sad, quite frankly.

7.

This one breaks my heart … for a variety of reasons.

8.

If you think that, then it’s likely you never will. Perhaps it’s time to stop thinking your dad is the perfect man.

9.

This one also makes me sad. If the bride/groom is thinking this on their wedding day, then what sort of marriage will this be?

10.

Amen. You know who you are.

11.

Just another example of where it behooves us to follow rules. Pilots and flight attendants are human, too. AND they have our lives in their hands – ’nuff said.

12.

Being young = being stupid. However, it doesn’t HAVE to be that way.

13.

Indeed, I’ve been asking myself this question for years.

Visit the new Thursday 13 hub for more TT participants.

thursday thirteen
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