Category: Reflections

November 1:

I was on FIRE today! I was zipping through tests and getting authorizations left and right. If every day could be like this, I would be a happy woman. Wednesdays are Kevin’s late days. He spent some time with his dad and then he likes to play guitar for a bit – helps him blow off some steam. And because he does that, I don’t see him the whole night. So, we routinely go all day on Wednesday not seeing each other. I didn’t speak to another person all day and I haven’t left my house for two days so after I clocked off, I jumped into my car and drove. I didn’t do anything, just listened to some music but it was good to be outside and getting some fresh air. I grabbed a chili from Wendys, watched a few videos and then hit the sack. Oh. I did leave and drive up the hospital today. Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays, a little cafe in the hospital serves baking potatoes with all the trimmings and I love them so much! So, I did leave at lunch to grab myself a potato. It felt weird walking my old route through the hospital and you know what? I didn’t miss it – At. All.

November 2:

Oy vey, this day. It started out with me getting up, walking my mile on the treadmill, (yep, I walk one mile as soon as I get up. It’s a slow walk and I listen to some tunes but it wakes me up, gets my blood circulating and I start the day off with 3,000 steps). Took a shower, got beautified and BOY am I glad I did that. Because as I’m getting my coffee and sitting down at my computer I realize – we don’t have Internet. Swell. Not a good thing when you work from home. Kevin did a little investigating and apparently, our entire area was out. So, I put on some dress clothes and I went into the office. And I hated every minute of it. I’ve gotten very spoiled this past week and a half and having to leave my home so now something I’m loathe to do – 0/10, do not recommend. It was awkward and super quiet and I got a few things done but nothing like I can get done at my home computer where I have everything set up like I want it. It came back on around 10:30 and I skedaddled my butt back home where I clawed and scrapped my way through the rest of the day. Nothing went right and it was very frustrating. I’m more frustrated by the fact that I’m training myself – my trainer has been out all week and though I’m learning a lot, I would learn more and faster if I had someone showing me the ropes. I had to work 8:00 to 4:30, (I have been working 7:00 to 3:30) and as soon as I clocked off, I got back on the treadmill and burned off some frustration. Glad this day is over.

November 6:

Well. I wanted a new challenge and by gosh, I got it. Today was FRUSTRATING. It was a two-step forward, one-step back kind of day. Nearly every case I submitted to the insurance companies went to pending – meaning, they want more information before making a decision. Which is fine, absolutely, they’re paying the bill, they have a right to take a peek at the details, but I’m frustrated with the providers because their notes are so vague. I don’t blame them, the providers are pressed for time – they only have so much time to exam, make a diagnosis and dictate their notes before they have to move on to the next patient, but that puts me squarely in the middle – now, it’s up to me to decipher the providers’ notes and answer equally vague questions from the insurance companies. And then, the insurance companies don’t “receive” our faxes, (which, I have my doubts on that excuse), so now I have to call them, which is time consuming, and pray that I’m giving them the keywords they need in order to approve the test. It’s tough being a patient advocate.

November 7:

I woke up with a new attitude today. This job – it’s not going to go smoothly all the time. There will be problems. I will have to challenge myself to be patient and accept the fact that insurance is complicated and convoluted. That there will be providers that give me nothing and I will be forced to make something. When I woke up this morning and approached the day with this attitude, it was a lot less frustrating. I will always have pending cases and they will likely require some additional information about 60% of the time. This is my new normal. I like the multi-tasking aspect of this job, though. I was asked to cover a co-worker’s alphabet today – she will be out the next few days for personal reasons – so I’m looking forward to working some of those cases. It’s really not anything different it’s still the “S’s” but I will split the load with another co-worker – I’m responsible for working the Sm-Sz’s. I didn’t even realize that the S’s were given to another person – I’ve just been working away. There have been so many new hires that my supervisor will be shuffling alphas around – I hope I find out what group I’ll be with soon. It’s sort of discombobulating to be floating around in the Ethernet like this. Kevin and I started throwing around the idea of getting set up with SkyLink Satellite. It would be nice to have a backup Internet plan and I’m excited to see if it would work from the road. Is so … possibilities are endless! We’ll see.

November 12:

Had another birthday – boo-hiss. I’ve always hated my birthday. I just hate getting older. It’s one year closer to being a burden on my family. I pray I’m NOT a burden to my family. I see what Kevin has been going through with his dad, and though he’s getting better, (he’s actually sitting up, standing up and making it to the toilet – WIN), it’s a lot of work for Kevin. He has to go over there every day to make sure his dad is making it to the toilet and behaving himself. I know he wants to do it, and I would absolutely want to do it for my mom, (yes I would mom!), but looking at the situation from my FIL’s perspective, I would be horrified that my children would NEED to do it. Getting older sucks. It bothers me and I’m going to work very hard to make sure I can stay as healthy and lucid for as long as I can. My sister came down over the weekend and we all hung out together. We did a little shopping, took some Culver’s home for lunch, crafted for a bit, then went back out to a Home Store to try and find a few things. The weather was beautiful and we had a great time. It’s so nice to hang with my sis and my mom! Speaking of weather, we have had a great Fall this year! It’s been dry, but it’s been warm and sunny and I’ll take it. We usually go right from summer to winter so having these beautiful Fall days are a treat. Put my Christmas tree up yesterday. Yep, I’m one of of THOSE people. Hobby Lobby has their Christmas on sale for 50% off this week so I’m heading up there after work to buy some red/gold ornaments. My tree theme is red/gold this year.

November 14:

I like working from home but I’m so bored. Like, out-of-my-mind bored. I haven’t been assigned a group yet so I’m sort of mooching off other teams and taking some of their work. I feel bad though, because, well, I’m mooching. I’ve been trying to stay busy but there is only so much reading and spreading my work out that I can do. I know I keep bugging my leads but I feel like I’m begging for things to do right now and I don’t like it. Kevin’s dad continues to improve! He’s standing with assistance and can make it to the normal toilet with help. That’s been a huge help for the family as there is less mess to clean up. Physically, he seems to be improving, mentally, he has good/bad days. But he’s 85, so we figure some of that comes with the territory. It’s been a miracle, honestly, that he’s improved so much! I credit Kevin with a lot of his improvement. He’s been going over to their house at least twice a day to help him maneuver getting around. He’s such a good man!

November 18:

I didn’t think this week was ever going to be over! We were finally assigned groups late yesterday and as I suspected, I’m part of the Urgent Action Team (UAT). This team was alluded to when I was interviewed and I was told they were likely going to be put me on that team. This team will be responsible for working diagnostic requests within 48 hours, stat or urgents. I’m looking forward to getting my hands dirty. It sounds like it might be a bit stressful, given the time crunch, but I’m up for it. I work better when I’m under a deadline. Finally! I have a work home. I don’t like being in limbo and I certainly don’t like not having any direction. It’s very annoying. Mom came over today and we watched a few Survivor episodes and ate lunch. She brought over McDonald’s McRibs for us. I haven’t had McDonald’s, let alone a McRib, in forever and it was good! Messy, but good. We were getting our crafts out to start working when Brandon walked in followed shortly by my nephew and his wife. We were surprised! They were in town for a convention and decided to drop by and say hello. It was good timing that mom was there, too. They stuck around and we all went to dinner for Blake and Kevin’s birthdays at Whole Hog Cafe, (BBQ place). They wanted to spend Thanksgiving with my mom and since we had already planned on her coming to our house for Thanksgiving we just invited them to come over as well. I heard from my sister, she and her husband are coming over, too, so we reached out to my other nephew and invited him as well. We are planning on having about 12 people over for Thanksgiving. We’ll put our extra sleeve into our dining room table and we should have enough room for everyone to sit around the table. We’ll work it out. We’ve already bought our food and mom is bringing over a lasagna just to make sure we don’t run out since we had only planned on having 8 people at first and now we’re up to 12. That’s okay, though, we’ll make it work. Our heater is acting funky, again. We have so many problems with our heater. It’s a design flaw, or a flaw designed to need constant maintenance, however you want to look at it, so we called our service people to come out on Monday to take a look at it. The condensation builds up then starts dripping right on the flame so it starts popping and clanging as the flame struggles to stay on. Awesome. It’s always something, isn’t it.

November 20:

I contacted my lead today to ask how I go about starting to work requests with my UAT group … and I was told that the people that are currently doing UAT will continue doing UAT until February and that I needed to, in essence, continue mooching off other people’s work until that time. I wanted to cry!! This seems like such a waste of resources! And I feel guilty for basically doing nothing and getting paid for it! This goes against every fiber of my being and I pray that I’m able to keep busy with SOMETHING until they’re ready for me to help take over the group. Wow. This is unacceptable and I’m pissed!

November 22:

I’m stealing. I can’t help it, I need to practice cases and I haven’t been assigned anything specific so … I have to steal to practice. I hate to mooch off people’s folders/cases but … what choice do I have? I’ve been doing a lot of ECHO requests – echocardiograms to be specific. I feel like there have been a lot more requests for ECHOS lately, but what do I know, I’m a newbie I wonder if this is normal or if people are having more heart issues because of the experimental vaccine that was forced on people. I’m sure we’ll never know. Or talk about it, for that matter. At any rate, I’m compiling my resources and watching the UAT’s folder and how they are processing things so .. I feel like I’m getting a base knowledge by just watching. Hopefully, we have a meeting next week and I’ll be able to do … SOMETHING. I’m itching to get started. Management sent out a notice yesterday sort of summarizing what our group will be tasked with and it sounds like they want someone to work the late shift – like a 2:00 PM to a 9:00 PM shift. BUT, that person gets an extra $1.35 an hour if she agrees to it. I’m tempted though it wouldn’t be my first choice. I’m keeping an open mind. I’m just going to have to be flexible, both getting started and when I’m elbows deep in the job. Brandon called me last night. His car broke down on the way back home after work. He said he heard a POP and then a light came on that said to shut off his engine immediately. AAA towed him back home and now we have to figure out what is wrong, how much it will cost and how long it will take. Kevin met Brandon when it broke down and when Brandon turned on the engine to back onto the tow trailer, he said it didn’t sound good. Awesome. More trouble. BUT, at least it didn’t break down on the highway, (he was in town), and he wasn’t hurt – it could always be worse, right?

November 26:

Thanksgiving was great! PERFECT weather – sunny and 60’s. Kevin had cooked the turkey the day before Thanksgiving and had it cut up and ready to go so all we had to do was put it in the oven and warm it up. I made the rolls the day before and put them in plastic bags to keep them fresh so that worked out well. The only thing we cooked on Thanksgiving were the potatoes and corn, (put them each into a crockpot), green bean casserole, ham, (Kevin cut it up, poured a brown sugar glaze on top and put it into the oven for about an hour and a half, stuffing and gravy. Mom came over at 10:30 and helped us finish getting ready. She also baked two pumpkin pies, an apple pie, some cupcakes and some cute “drum sticks” made of pretzels, caramel and dipped in chocolate. Then my sister and BIL came over at about 11:00 and honestly, we were ready to eat by then. But we told the boys and my nephew’s family to come over at 12:00 so we sat around and chit-chatted until noon. My nephew’s family still hadn’t arrived so we went ahead and started eating – they arrived about 12:15. The food turned out great, Kevin is SUCH a good cook, (I’m the clean-up party), and had some good conversations. My sister and BIL left about 2:00 so they could get home before dark and my nephew’s family left about two hours later. Everyone left with A LOT of leftovers. It was SO NICE to have my sister and BIL come! It was a good day. We missed dad. I know the day was hard on my mom – this is her first holiday season without dad. It’s hard dealing with a gaping hole in our family. I drove Brandon to work on Friday since I didn’t have to work. All four of us went grocery shopping after he got off work. We usually go out to eat and then grocery shopping on Friday nights and since Brandon didn’t have a car, he wanted to tag along and his shopping done and I couldn’t NOT tell Blake in case he wanted to do, which he did, so that was fun. We ate at HyVee – we had Chinese food. It was pretty good and the price wasn’t bad. Kevin and Brandon went to pick up his car yesterday. It seems to be running okay but the check engine light has been coming on and it seems like Brandon’s battery is weak. But it’s running and that’s better than buying a new car right now! Brandon did say that he felt like it had a lot more power than before. The mechanic replaced the oil pump, (which is what broke), the water pump, (which wasn’t too bad – he showed the parts to Kevin), and the timing chain. Hopefully, Brandon won’t have any more issues with the car for several years. But Kevin and Brandon are going to O’Reilly’s today to have the battery checked out. If it’s weak, they will have them replace it. Brandon’s old battery was replaced by AAA and though AAA is a GREAT service and has saved our butts several times, we do wonder how “new” the batteries are they use whenever they replace them. We’ve had our batteries wear out faster when we relied on them to replace them. So, when it’s all said and done, Brandon will have spent about $2,200 dollars to get his car fixed. Which – ouch. But it’s still better than buying a new car. Kevin checked on Craig’s List and Brandon’s car, which is a 2012 Chevy Cruise, was going for $8,500. Brandon paid $7,000 for his car five years ago so it’s MORE expensive now than when he bought it! Bidenomics!

November 27:

Took advantage of some Black Friday sales – online, of course. There is NO WAY I’m dealing with crazy, stressed-out people right now. Stressing a bit that I can’t think if anything for the boys this year. Blake needs jeans, so I bought him some jeans, but Brandon can’t give me any ideas. We filled up a wallet with gift cards for them last year. And Brandon used nearly all of his, Blake used the Shoe Carnival and Amazon gift cards but has hardly touched the food gift cards. Which is annoying because he was the sole reason I bought them gift cards to food places – because he doesn’t eat! lol Bought something for my mom, but since mom reads my blog … will just have to keep that to myself for now. *wink* I’m so bored with my job. I literally have nothing to do. I am literally stealing from my co-workers just to give me a few things to work on. I feel terrible but I can’t do nothing! Plus, I need the practice. I’ve been watching the UAT (Urgent Action Team) folder where all of the urgent/stat requests get sent to watch how they process things and I’ve learned a lot from doing that but you don’t truly know how to do something until you do it. I just need to relax and enjoy this down time because when the current UAT’s contract runs out and everything shifts over to my team, I will be crazy busy keeping on top of things. Which I prefer, I like staying busy.

November 29:

I’ve been covering another girl from the MRI group while she’s been out and I have to tell you – I’M LOVING THIS! I’ve already completed four requests this morning, all of them were approved, thank you very much, and I’m feeling alert and productive. Unfortunately, she comes back tomorrow so I’ll have to give her group back to her but this was just the confidence boost I needed. I can’t wait till I have my own work! Made a trip to the hospital today. I go to the hospital every Wednesday because one of the cafes sells large baking potatoes with all the trimmings and I CRAVE them sometimes. I went up to get my potato today and stopped by my old office. It was so good to see the girls again but you know how it is, it’s different. Almost awkward, because I’m not part of their world anymore. I popped in to see Emily – that was bitter sweet. I hope she’s not mad at me for leaving. She’s really not like that, she’s one of the most gracious people I know but … I felt guilty. Though it was really nice to see the girls again, I think that might have been my last physical trip up there. I’m still on Teams and I’m sure we’ll talk there but … I just have to accept that that chapter in my life is closed. It’s sad but … here’s to looking at new challenges! Leroy mulched our Fall leaves today. We have four massive Maple trees in our yard so you can imagine the leaves. We don’t rake the leaves, we mulch them making good fertilizer for next year’s grass. People that rake their leaves … WHY??

November 30:

November is over. Wow. Why?? Stole more work to do today. The girl I was covering was back so I’m left with crumbs. I’ve been stealing urgent requests, though. I figure I need to practice on those the most since I will be part of the team that takes them over soon-ish. My Team lead sent out an invitation to a meeting next Thursday so hopefully, we can iron out the timeline a bit more so I’m not left wondering – IS THIS ALL YA GOT?? It went well, though. I’ve been learning to troubleshoot, which is frustrating, but necessary. Especially since I will be working fast – I need to be as efficient as I can be. My goal is not to call insurance companies very often – that is a drag, and a time suck. I signed up for Bath and Body Works Rewards, (thanks mom). And … I’m in trouble! lol My mom has been telling me for a while now that they have pretty good deals on their Rewards program and I’ve just rolled my eyes, but I stand corrected. I ordered some yummy smelling hand soap to put in the bathrooms so our Christmas guests will be suitably impressed and I saved about $7 in shipping by setting it up so I can pick it up from our nearby store. Sweet! It rained today. A soft, slow rain all day. It was a perfect day for a pot pie lunch and to work from home. I’m still on the fence on whether working from home was a good gig for me, but today? Definitely a perk.

Thanks for reading!

(My Reflections posts are more stream-of-consciousness kind of posts so I apologize up front if some of what you read doesn’t make sense. But this is me we’re talking about here so … are you really surprised?)

October 1:

Trying to recover from our trip to Florida. That was a lot of driving. But that’s always how it works with me. It takes me a few days after coming off my adrenaline high to fully recover from stuff like this. I did go for a walk at the school, though. Not sure if that was a good or bad thing – I was pretty wiped out the rest of the day. But I got my 10,000 steps in today so I’m choosing to focus on the good. I’m pretty proud of myself for keeping on top of my walking – we’ll see how long I can go before getting burned out. Finished my typical chores – laundry, bathrooms, floors. Listened to the World Jigsaw Puzzling Championship on my phone while I worked on my latest diamond painting. (Harry Potter).

October 2:

The day has arrived. Do I turn in my resignation or do I continue doing what I’m comfortable and confident doing? I’ve had a week to mull it over … and over … and over… I finally threw my hands up and cried uncle – I turned it in to my manager. Quite frankly, I’m sick of thinking about it. I am spending more time and energy thinking of reasons why I SHOULD’T do it as opposed to why I should and I think that’s my answer right there. As mom said, if I don’t try it I will probably kick myself later for it. And it’s not a permanent solution – if I hate it, then I’ll find something else. It’s time for a change. I just “celebrated”, (I use that term loosely), my 12th year with this clinic, I think it’s time for a change. You can read more about today here. All I can say is that now that it’s done, I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel … light. That’s got to be a good sign, right??

October 3:

The dynamic is already shifting. Conversations are being held in front of me without including me. It’s weird and sad. Though, of course, I totally get it. My co-workers have to come up with a plan on how to fill the (substantial – ha!) hole I will be creating when I leave. My manager has already posted my position, which he should, but still … weird and sad. Another one of my co-workers came up because she heard a rumor to ask if it was true. I told her it was true, I’m leaving. Though she says she won’t say anything, come on, OF COURSE she’s going to say something. I have yet to send out notice to the clinic. I don’t know what I’m waiting for. Sending out a notice feels so FINAL. And I’m nervous about this new job falling through though I’ve got emails and I’ve signed documents to make it happen, it just doesn’t FEEL real yet. I can already feel myself pulling away, not being as committed to my job as I once was. We’re in this awkward stage now and I just want it to be over, quite frankly. Ten more days to go!

October 4:

Walked in to new phones today. It was absolute chaos trying to figure them out. And then the voicemail didn’t work so we’re scrambling to get help from the tech people to fix that aspect of it. Overall, I like the new phones. We have the ability to silence the rings and the ring itself is a lot less obnoxious. Picked up my computer equipment for my new job today. I picked up two monitors, the computer, a headset, a webcam, mouse … now I have to clean off my very messy desk to make room for all of this! But this is the first time I feel like this new job change is going to happen … not sure how I feel about it, quite honestly.

October 5:

I can feel myself checking out. I sent out a notice that I was leaving so now everyone knows. Now that everyone knows, I’m ready to MOVE ON. They have a replacement already lined up and she will hang out with us next week. I’m trying really hard not to mentally tap out but it’s getting harder and harder to stay present and just … care, I guess. Thank goodness we are going to Arkansas next weekend. Eat up more time before I can leave and start my new adventure. Cleaned off my desk tonight. It was a disaster but now we can plan on how to set up my new equipment.

October 7:

Met mom at the craft fair today. I arrived at Noon but didn’t actually get to mom until 12:45. The placed was PACKED. Absolutely no place to park so I ended up parking about 1/2 mile away and walking back to the event. It’s been a BEAUTIFUL weekend though so it was a nice walk, to be honest. Temps were cool enough for a jacket and not a cloud in the sky. I can see why so many people showed up. I took mom Chick-Fil-A for lunch and we gobbled it down in between customers. My mom has made BANK on her booth and is nearly sold out of merchandise. My mom doesn’t do craft fairs for the money, though making her money back on supplies is good, but she truly loves crafting and gets a lot of enjoyment out of it so she would make her crafts regardless of whether she could sell it – she would just end up giving it away. I was amazed at the number of people that remember her from years past and mom told me she’s been doing that particular craft fair since 2012. What?!? I had no idea. And that makes me feel guilty that I didn’t know that about my own mother. Where have I been?! I sat with her the rest of the afternoon and left at 4:30, (she took a quick pee break and I was scared someone would want to buy something while she was gone. And not because I couldn’t handle it, of course I can handle it, but I would have to be ON, have to put on public persona, which doesn’t come naturally but it’s something I can, and do, every day. I just wasn’t in the mood to put it on that day. Mom is in her element though and she LOVES people, she’s extroverted, and she truly loves doing the craft shows and really, that’s all that matters.

October 8:

Got my Sunday chores done and then headed up to the craft show to sit with mom. Once the show closed at 4:00, I helped her pack things up in her truck and we had everything broken down and packed by 5:00 PM. Hopefully, she won’t try and unload her truck tonight and get some rest. She didn’t sleep very good last night so I know she must be exhausted. She made a lot of money, even more than last year, so she was pretty happy with that. Customers really seemed to like her crafts – and why wouldn’t they? She makes some really cute stuff. She went ahead and signed up for next year’s craft show, too. She has been doing this craft show for so long that she knows a few people and I cringed when they said they were signing up but who knows if they would actually be alive to participate next year. I know what they are saying is factually correct, no one knows if they will live to see tomorrow, but still, it made me uncomfortable and sad. Kevin wasn’t here when I got home – he is over at his folks’ house. His parents have been sick and his dad hasn’t been eating. Kevin said he was unresponsive at one point and his blood sugars are high. He hasn’t eaten much in the past few days due to being sick and that is likely the reason his blood sugars are up. I don’t know what they are going to do but they may have to take him to the hospital if they can’t get him to eat anything. Worried.

October 9:

Today is my parents’ anniversary. Mom is very sad and that’s all I’ll say about that. I gave up my desk and my keys today. The new girl has a new desk now and I’ve been delegated to the corner. I feel so … disjointed and displaced. I have six more days to go before my last day and honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’ll be training the new girl, of course, but I’ve sent out emails asking people to redirect where they send messages so I can hopefully leave with nothing on my desktop. I feel sad but mostly, I’m just ready to move on. Now that I’ve made the decision, I’m anxious to move forward. Kevin’s dad went to a holistic doctor today and received fluids, vitamins, antibiotics, and Ivermectin. Hopefully, that will make him feel better; I’m sure his body is thanking him right about now.

October 11:

Kevin’s dad is not doing well. He is refusing to eat/drink and his blood sugar is 300. It’s not looking good. Kevin and his sister decided that they needed to take him to the ER so they called an ambulance. I met Kevin near the cafeteria since he couldn’t find a parking spot and showed him where the ER was. I didn’t stay, Kevin’s dad could only have two visitors at a time, but they did all sorts of tests on him and they think he might have had a stroke. They are admitting him and will give him fluids and some antibiotics to try and help him get over COVID. We’ll likely know more tomorrow. We canceled our camping trip.

October 15:

Kevin’s dad is still in the hospital. They’ve done an EEG, an MRI and a lumbar puncture (LP). The EEG came back abnormal but the report said that it was most likely due to the fact that he hasn’t eaten for nearly a week. The MRI also came back pretty normal, given his age, and it confirmed that he had not had a stroke, which is what everyone was thinking. The LP results have not come back yet, he had that test late yesterday so we’re still waiting to hear what that shows. Kevin’s dad has been very stubborn and has fought hospital staff every step of this way. We’re not sure if he’s trying to tell everyone that he doesn’t want to be there, (who WANTS to be in the hospital), or if he’s not aware he’s even being combative. He’s still non-verbal though he seems a bit more cognizant than he was when they admitted him. He continues to rip out his IV”s so they have had to put mittens on him to prevent him from doing that. Not ideal, but they can’t help him if he doesn’t allow them to help him. Kevin has been picking his mother up at at 7:00 AM and taking her up to the hospital. He’s been up there with her all day for the past two days. His dad seems to really respond to Kevin and he’s been able to help his dad eat a few bites. His blood sugars have come back down, which is a good sign. His dad is not mobile and hasn’t left his bed in about a week so if/when he gets up, he is going to be very weak. My biggest concern at this stage is what they are going to decide to do with him once he’s discharged. His mother is not physically capable of taking care of him by herself.

October 16:

Been home all day. We were supposed to be in Arkansas looking for diamonds but we canceled the trip due to Kevin’s dad. I checked my work email and the Teams messages – I’m looking forward to being taken off these lists. I’m so ready to move on. I worked on my office today, organizing things and getting a game plan for my new work shift. I plan on walking 3000 steps before I start the day, then walking to about 8000 at lunch. My goal is to get 10,000 steps each work day. Kevin’s dad’s health has gone backwards. They did another brain scan on him and he wasn’t cooperating so they gave him an antipsychotic to help him relax, I suppose, and Kevin said he was talking gibberish today. They told the hospital staff that he’s not to have any more medication. I just don’t understand why healthcare goes from zero to 90 in seconds flat. As opposed to giving Kevin’s dad a sedative to get him through the procedure, they jump right to a powerful antipsychotic drug. Disappointing and scary. It also proves that if you have a loved one in the hospital, they need someone to look after them. You can’t fully trust the staff to keep things straight. I hate to say it, but it’s true.

October 18:

Good news! Kevin’s dad is awake and responding! He’s not able to talk very clearly, but he’s aware of what is going on around him and he’s asking for milk. An Occupational Therapist got him to sit up and stand up a few seconds today so we’re making progress! Kevin and his sisters agonized over whether to place a feeding tube as he’s still not getting much nutrition and they placed that today. They had to wrap Kevin’s dad’s hands into “mittens” so he wouldn’t yank it out, but we’ll see how he responds to that in a few days. They are looking for nursing facilities to take him as Kevin’s mom simply can’t take care of him by herself. This is the first ray of hope we’ve had in a week. I went to see him after work today and his color looks better. He’s back on his regular medication as we think that may have been one reason he went downhill so fast – there is a certain medication that you have to wean off, you can’t stop cold turkey, and when he got sick and stopped eating and taking his medications, we’re thinking now that threw him into a spiral because he was going through withdrawals. The family is hopeful and we’ll see how this shakes out in the next week. I’m bored out of my mind. Today was my first day back after my “vacation”, (we had to cancel due to Kevin’s dad), and I got a taste of what it will be like – and I’m READY. I have three more days of being an MA and then I can move on to my new job. I’m practically itching to get out. I’m not even sad – I’m just READY.

October 19:

Heard from my supervisor today. I’m going into the office Monday and will train with a team lead. Since I’m already familiar with getting around the programs, we’re going to reassess and see if I can start working from home on Tuesday – it really depends on how it goes Monday. They are going to assign me to a new group they haven’t even revealed to anyone yet – some sort of Urgent Team – and I’m really excited about that. I THRIVE on multitasking – it challenges my brain and I’m really good at it. Until this group gets up and running, I will be working on getting MRI’s approved. So. This tells me that I need to get all of my ducks in a row and make sure I have all of my resources at my fingertips because if I’m going to be called upon to work urgent cases, I’ll need to move fast. I am so excited to start!! I feel like Emily has been cranky. I think part of it is because I’m leaving, or perhaps I’m just telling myself that because it makes me feel important. I’m trying not to be too excited to leave around my co-workers but they all know that I’M READY. Looking seriously at the Kindle Vella project again. I think I might turn my focus on writing for that project and see what happens. I’m not doing it for the money but rather, I’m curious to see how people would react to my creative writing. More on that soon .. I hope. Depends on how much time this new job really takes.

October 20:

Today marks the end of an era. Today was my last day with the neurosurgery clinic. It was uneventful, which was perfect. I didn’t want any sort of going away party or any sort of attention, really. I said my goodbyes to the people I worked with on the 7th floor for the majority of my career and with that duty done, I could focus on the gals I’ve gotten close to this past year. I’m going to miss them. They are good people and I’ve gotten close to Melissa and Emily this past year. The new girl, my replacement, who is awesome and I think will do a good job, made some soup and someone else brought in Buffalo dip and a veggie tray. We all had lunch together and then we had cookie cake. The rest of the day, I completed some loose ends, packed up the rest of my stuff and then I left about an hour early. Walking my route back to my car was .. surreal. It was the last time I would walk that route. I will never be back in the clinic setting. Heck, I never wanted to be in a clinical setting to begin with so I think doing this job for 12 years was enough. I was sad, but mostly excited. I’m ready to move on. It’s funny, but if I hadn’t applied for this new job I would still be happy to continue doing what I was doing. But now that I made the jump, I’m wondering why I didn’t make the jump sooner. It just goes to show that you can get some caught up in a rut that you don’t allow yourself to see what is on the other side of that rut. I go into the office on Monday to be shown the ropes but my supervisor seems to think I should be able to start working from home on Tuesday so I’m assuming that means there isn’t a whole lot of new that I need to learn. I’m feeling nervous, excited and relieved, quite frankly, that I don’t have to deal with patients anymore. It’s exhausting.

October 22:

Mom came over on Saturday. We grabbed some lunch at McAllister’s and came back to my house and watched a few episodes of Survivor – we’re on season three and THANK GOD Lindsay was voted off. Sniffling brat. Then we chatted and caught up on what happened the past two weeks, (we haven’t seen each other for a few weeks), and worked on crafts. I worked on yet another diamond painting, (I’ve been obsessed – it’s so relaxing!) and mom worked on some cute plastic canvas snowmen that she will put a fake votive candle in and sell at her Christmas booth in December. Once she left, Kevin’s dad’s progress went downhill fast. He started hallucinating, took his clothes off and fought the nurses. He had to have a sitter the rest of the night and the next day because he couldn’t be trusted to be by himself. They ended up putting a PICC line in because he ripped out yet another IV and he simply didn’t have any veins left to tap into. He is also still wearing mittens. The family is honestly not sure what to do with him and this just proved that he can’t be trusted to go home and under the care of Kevin’s mom as now we can’t trust him not to hurt her. He wouldn’t do it on purpose but unfortunately, his mental clarity is, well, not clear. The doctors want to keep him on the feeding tube a few more days, he’s still not eating unless someone makes him, and if he doesn’t improve, they will likely put a PEG tube in and discharge him to a nursing facility. This whole thing has been a nightmare for the family an there are no clear-cut answers to what to do next. Kevin’s dad has moments of clarity and he’s talking, though it’s hard to understand the gibberish, but he seems to know what is happening though he doesn’t seem to know that he’s in the hospital, or he’s simply in denial, again, we just can’t tell. The family is exhausted and a decision will have to be made soon.

October 24:

First two days of my new job are done. I went into the office yesterday and as to be expected, it was super awkward because I didn’t know anything nor anyone. It’s so disconcerting to go from a job that you know everything to a job where you know nothing. Though, that’s not entirely true – I did a bit of this job when I first became a scheduler so I know the basics. And it helps that I know the system and quite a bit about insurances. The girl that is training me is very nice but is so slow. Maybe she’s going slow because she doesn’t want to overwhelm me, (not going to happen at this point) or maybe she’s just a slow thinker/talker, but I was pretty bored my first day. But to be fair, training is boring for all parties – I’m sure she was just as bored. To make matters worse, I pulled a muscle in my back, (who knows), so I was quite uncomfortable all day and since we sat all day, I was QUITE uncomfortable all day. But the pain kept me awake, so there’s that. I spent the day setting up accounts with various insurance companies and learning work flow. Today, I got to stay home and my trainer showed me the ropes on Microsoft Teams. It was AWESOME to stay home and do that. We started at 7:00 and quit at 3:30. We’re doing that again, tomorrow. I would like to go ahead and do a few of the precertification requests and she watch me because I feel like I’m ready, but I don’t know what else they have planned for me so I’ll be a good girl and keep my mouth shut. But I’m READY.

October 28:

What a week. It went well and I’m already working on some precertification cases on my own, which I think is pretty good four days in to my training, but it was an intense week of concentrating and focusing on the process. Let’s be honest, most people do not know how to train other people. Trainers assume, unconsciously, that you know what terms are, that you know what type of work you’ve been hired to do … to see the roadmap to a work conclusion. And I can assure you, new people do NOT see, nor think, that way. I would like to think I’m a good trainer: introducing the basics and explaining the WHYS behind the things we do, but most people do not approach training that way so it’s a race to find patterns and to figure things out for yourself. Reading the fine print and in between the lines. So, it was a mentally taxing week and I was exhausted and fell into a deep sleep last night. But I’m making progress. I’m a little nervous about next week because my trainer is taking some days off and I’m basically on my own. Sure, I have a person to go with questions, but let’s be honest, this go-to person most likely does not have desire, nor the inclination, to really go in depth with me so once again, I will be reading the fine print and in between the lines. That’s okay, I’m a fast learner. But it was fun to work from home and I think I’m going to enjoy it, but I was already getting cabin fever by Wednesday. I’ll write more about my work-from-home experience at some point. My father-in-law (FIL) is home and comfortable. They moved a hospital bed into his bedroom and they set up Hospice to come out a few times a week to bathe him and help make him comfortable. The boys and I met my husband over at his house last night for pizza and it was a great visit. My FIL really perked up and actually ate more than he’s eaten in the past two weeks, COMBINED. Going through this experience is humbling and really makes you think about mortality in general.

October 31:

Happy Halloween! Bah humbug. I am neutral when it comes to Halloween though I lean more on the side of, “WHY??” A night to dress up like an idiot and scare people? I’m out. We won’t be turning our porch light on tonight – we haven’t participated in Halloween in years and the last time I dressed up was when I was in clinic with my doctor, at the time, and I was peer pressured into participating. Okay, that’s a bit harsh, I actually had fun but unless I’m MADE to participate, I’m not interested in Halloween. My trainer has been out this week so it’s just been me, myself and I. She gave me plenty to do and I’ve actually been pretty successful in getting some diagnostic testing approved. It’s slow going, but I’m getting the hang of it and I’m already bored. HA! It will be the same thing, over and over again, but it is interesting to do a little research, get some medical background so that I can submit the request through the patient’s insurance company. I’m working on getting MRI’s approved, for now. I think they started me on the easiest group, to cut my teeth on the process, so to speak, so we’ll see what group they finally assign me. I’m hoping to have a more permanent home and a team of people by the end of this week or next week. FIL has been sitting up and eating a bit. Still not like he needs to and he has moments where he hallucinates and calls people by the wrong name, but he’s home, comfortable and things are starting to settle down for Kevin’s family. They have Hospice come out a few times a week to monitor him and clean him up a bit. I do worry about my MIL, though, as she’s really not getting any sleep and I think it’s making her delirious.

And that, folks, was my October.

Tell me what’s going on in your life?

Thanks for reading!

(My Reflections posts are more stream-of-consciousness kind of posts so I apologize up front if some of what you read doesn’t make sense. But this is me we’re talking about here so … are you really surprised?)

August 1: I think I’m finally starting to get a handle on this new (ish) job. It was rough going at first, being thrown into the lion’s den and trying to sort through, organize and then come up with a system to keep track of everything. But I think I’m getting there. I’m not bored with this job, not sure that will ever be a problem since I’m E’s liaison between patients and other co-workers, but I’m definitely becoming more comfortable with the job itself and being around E. She is brainstorming to re-work/organize the clinic with the new girl starting soon. I’m very, VERY grateful she’s so organized and efficient as I think working with someone who is more seat-of-my-pants sort of person would be very hard for me. I’m not OCD, per se, but I definitely work better when there is a process. I bet it’s sort of fun for E to see her clinic expand and grow. She wants to eventually see 14 people per clinic day, which roughly works out to be about 55 to 60 patients per week that all three of us (when the new girl starts) will handle. That’s a lot. But our clinic is set up for the short term – E determines whether the patients we see are surgical or not and if they are, we schedule them with a surgeon, if they are not, then we refer them to non-operative doctors for further treatment options. We do end up seeing quite a few patients at least twice though to discuss how physical therapy or an injection went, so it’s not like a one and done sort of deal. She does a lot of test results, too. Meaning, if I set patients up for an MRI or CT then she will read the results and offer her recommendations and I will then call the patients and go through that with them and carry out E’s recommendations. That means I have a lot of phone work, which I detest, but it’s part of the job. Talking about this with her makes my chest tight because that’s a lot of pressure on me, but I can handle it. Pretty sure I had an anxiety attack today, though. Not fun.

August 2: Felt much better today. According to my Garmin Tracker, my heart rate got down to 61 last night. That might be a new record. In fact, my resting heart rate now stays in the mid-to-low 60’s. This is unusual for me because my resting heart rate rarely got below 75 in the past. What changed? Two things: I’ve gone through the change (menopause) and I do intermittent fasting (IF) every day. Yes. I’m still doing that. I eat between 1:00 PM and 6:00 PM every day. (Though honestly, if I really wanted to amp things up, I could shorten that window but I’m not disciplined enough or motivated enough to do that right now). Every since I started IF I’ve been feeling better and my labs certainly show it. The last time I had labs done, all of my numbers came back where they needed to be – so I must be doing something right. We only have Sarah for one more day before she has to go back to take care of her doctor. I’m going to miss her. She’s phenomenal. I wish we could keep her. The president of our clinic came up today and gave us kudos for jobs well done. She says she’s been hearing good things about our clinic from other doctors and the ER (we get a lot of patients from the ER). That was really good to hear. I think E was very pleased.

August 3: Days are blending together – I frequently forget what day of the week it is. Since we have clinic every day, it’s hard to keep them straight. When I worked with Dr. M., who only had clinic twice a week, (he was in surgery the rest of the week), it was easy to keep track of my days – clinic days and off clinic days. But now that we see patients every day, I struggle to remember what day it is. It’s sort of embarrassing, to be honest. I’m getting a small taste of what it must be like to work in a primary care physician’s office. Though you couldn’t PAY me enough to work in a PCP’s office. (Kudos to those of you that do).

August 4: We had a goodbye lunch with Sarah today. I’m actually going to miss her. I don’t really like a lot of people, but I really liked her. And I like E. She’s pretty great. I’m very blessed to be working with her. We get along so well. Blake rear-ended someone today. It was just a tap, thank God, no one was hurt, but still, I think it woke him up a bit. Unfortunately, it takes things like this to wake people up. Not that he doesn’t take driving seriously, but you take it MORE seriously when something like this happens. It didn’t really do a lot of damage to his car, just scratched it up. But that poor guy – he had someone scratch his car in the apartment parking lot, someone broke in to his car but luckily he didn’t have anything valuable in it so they didn’t take anything and now this. He loves that car, too. I’m just thankful no one was hurt. It doesn’t matter how old your kids get or how long they’ve been driving, they are still your children.

August 5: We bought black out curtains for the trailer. They are way too long but oh well.

August 6: Cut my hair shorter. I had asked for a lighter color last time and all it did was pull out too much red, which I hated, so I asked her to go darker this time. I’m thinking of getting highlights but probably not until next summer. It already costs so much to get my hair done, I shudder to think how much highlights will cost on top of cover my gray and trim cost.  Though my stylist does a good job, I hate how she styles my hair. And she puts all of this product in that does nothing but weigh it down and it feels and looks greasy. I always hate my hair when I leave the stylist. I should just ask her not to dry/style it next time. (Would that be cheaper? Hmm). And I’m too stubborn to wash my hair for a few days after getting it done because I’m afraid I’ll wash some of  the color out, so I look like a drowned rat for a few days. Pretty sure this is the opposite result of what you expect when you go to the salon but … been thinking a lot about the flu vaccine mandate coming up. I’ll be so glad when that issue is resolved however it turns out. (Pst – you can read this to find out how that turned out).

August 7: I woke up upset. I dreamt I couldn’t find my car and I was late to work and crying. I honestly fear getting older and losing my mind. I never want to live like that. I hate my hair but I’m glad it’s shorter. I’m clearly conflicted. I’m thinking of going shorter in November, (when I go to the salon again – I only go every 12 weeks because I’m too cheap to pay more often than that). I’m just thankful I still have hair, I suppose. Dear God I pray I still have my hair and my mind when I get older. It’s all about priorities.

August 8: I have mixed feelings about this job. I love it, but I get lonely. Now that I’m on a different floor than the rest of my co-workers, I get forgotten. And I get it. When I was on the 7th floor I completely forgot about the people on the 9th floor, too. Now, I’m one of those people that are being forgotten. We are kicking ass though, E and I. Our new girl starts next week. But I’m worried. Our patient load has decreased substantially. Our first new patient spot was three weeks out, now it’s tomorrow. I’m not sure what changed. We did have a new doctor start so I suppose that’s a big part of it, but E thinks there is something more going on and she’s looking into it. I’m just worried that our patient load will drop down and management won’t be able to justify the new girl coming in or even keeping our clinic open. I really like what I’m doing up here and I believe in what we’re doing – getting patients to doctors that can help them faster. (What patient can’t relate to feeling frustrated and tossed around from one provider to another). But if we don’t have the volume, then management will have to make some decisions. A lot of people have been leaving healthcare, too. I don’t blame them, healthcare has gotten a really bad wrap these past few years and it’s almost become toxic now. Which is a shame, honestly.

August 10: E brought in an $8 watermelon today. She bought it at a farmer’s market. It was a very good watermelon, but I’m not sure it was $8 great. EIGHT dollars for a watermelon?! No wonder people don’t want to eat healthy, it’s freaking expensive. Reached out to T, my old nurse. She’s loving being a school nurse – I bet the kids love her. I’m SOOO happy for her. Life is too short to be miserable.

August 11: E. is restructuring her clinic cheat sheets. We use these sheets to gather information for the providers. All of the doctors have cheat sheets though they vary from doctor-to-doctor. Now that I’m here, (that makes me sound so important), and the new girl is coming, she’s an LPN and will already have the basics down, E is starting to feel a bit more confident in her staff. So, she wants us to get more information from the patients when we room them so she has more information before going into the room and can focus more on the diagnosis and the plan as opposed to getting the information. It’s an art to communicate with patients. You want to get the information you need without rushing the patient and at the same time keep them on track so that you’re not in the room for 30 minutes. The goal is not to be in the room for more than 10 minutes and even that’s a bit too long. But we have to keep the pace going because there are other patients waiting, not to mention your provider is waiting on you so he/she can do his/her part. That’s why we always seem to be in a hurry when you go to the doctors’ office because we are. The MA’s are responsible for maintaining a flow so that we don’t put the provider behind and make other patients wait longer. That’s why it’s important for patients to answer our questions and not veer off into left field about an issue they are not seeing our provider about. I know patients don’t get that, but hopefully this gives you a bit of a glimpse into the healthcare world.

August 12: Kevin and I did our usual Friday night shopping. Groceries are definitely costing more money thanks to the bumbling idiot in the White House and a Democrat-run Congress that continues to spend money on crap we don’t need and can’t afford.

August 13: Woke up to a sinus headache. I haven’t one of those in a while. It’s likely because the weather is changing. I had to take half of a Sudafed. I can’t handle a whole one, it makes my heart race. I ended up sleeping another hour while waiting for it to kick in so my day got a late start but at least it got rid of the headache. If I don’t get those under control, it makes me nauseous and I throw up. Fun. Kevin asked me if I remember when I got my ears pierced, both times. I know, random question. I don’t remember what we were talking about that prompted that question but no, I don’t remember. At all. I have such a terrible memory, which is another reason I NEED to get back to blogging. But I just don’t dwell on the past, I’m always focused on the future. I need to re-train my brain. We bought locks for our trailer cabinets. I’m always afraid we are going to get to our destination and open the trailer door only to see every cabinet open and all of our stuff broken and on the floor.

August 14: I nearly fainted today. I went up to the middle school to use their track to walk and I got too hot. It was 88 degrees today. And the track is all in the sun – no shade at all. And I’m a dummy and didn’t take any water. About an hour into my walk I started feeling woozy and dizzy and had to sit in the shade for a bit. Any time I start to feel dizzy I freak out. I’m traumatized from my Vertigo episode, I guess. Ever since I’ve gone through the change I can’t tolerate heat like I used to. I don’t feel like I sweat as much as I used to, either. I used to sweat so much I would be SOAKED – like I just stepped out of a shower soaked – when I exercised. I get sweaty, but nothing like I used to. Something else I have to readjust to. Still worth not having a period though.

August 15: Getting nervous. I honestly don’t see how Emily is going to be able to run this clinic without me. (Yes. I have a healthy ego, why do you ask?) Sure. Management can rob Peter to pay Paul, (i.e., ask people from the 7th floor to fill in), but she’s really relying more and more on me and she’s getting to the point where she is expanding the clinic and seeing more patients so I’m feeling pressure to do a good job. If the hospital doesn’t approve my exemption, she’ll have to cut her patient load down again and basically start over. Went to Indeed.com today and saw that the law firm that drew up our living will is urgently hiring. Wouldn’t that be something to work for the lawyer that we used for our living will. My parents used them for their will and they weren’t impressed with the staff, probably because they were short staffed. Which I feel like every industry is short staffed right now because no one wants to work – but that’s a topic for another day. Have to re-start the stupid COVID tests soon. I had four months reprieve because I tested positive for COVID in May, (but didn’t even have a sniffle – suuuure), but now it’s time to pay the piper and start back up. Goody.

August 17: M, the new girl, is bored with her training on the 7th floor. They’ve been showing her how to room a patient and because it’s the same process over and over again, she feels like she has that down. I suggested she hang out with me so I can start teaching her our programs and how to schedule so she’ll be with us tomorrow. I really hope I get to continue scheduling patients. I don’t mind rooming patients but I LOVE to schedule. It reminds me of my old scheduling days. I also love to train people. I know. I’m one of THOSE people.

August 20: The boys hung out with us today. We ate at Culverts then had ice cream afterward. We had some good conversations and it warms my heart to get to know the adult version of our children. They are great people. We are very blessed.

August 21: Went for another walk around the track at the middle school today. I was smarter and actually took water and drank water about halfway through my walk. I like to walk about three miles. I really enjoy walking outside.

August 23: Rachelle, (my nephew’s wife), went into labor. I feel like she was one month overdue as there was some question about her actual due date but I’m sure I’m wrong. That’s a long time to be overdue. She had a mid-wife but she had complications during labor and ended up going to the hospital for a C-section. They had a boy! I’m sure my sister-in-law is thrilled as she has eight granddaughters and one grandson. E told me that if the hospital does not approve my flu vaccine exemption then I could work for her husband – he needs an assistant. I thought that was very sweet! We paid my legal secretary course off today! We’ll see if I actually have to use it. I tell you though, it’s nice to have a plan B, not gonna lie.

August 25: Trying to wrap things up at work so that we can drive to Texas tomorrow. Why is it when you are trying to leave work that’s when you get dumped on? So frustrating. I ended up staying at work until 6:00 PM even though I worked like a fiend today to try and get it done before closing. Oh well. Overtime. E is nervous about me leaving. In fact, she ended up moving a few clinics when I’m out. It’s not that she and M can’t handle it, but M is so new – it’s just too much too soon. I totally get that. I had big plans to go grocery shopping, pack and make the beds up in the trailer when I got off work but all I had energy for was to get shop for food. I’ll have to do the rest of it in the morning before we leave. Darn it.

August 26 – 31: Drove the trailer to Galveston Texas! (I’ll post about that vacation soon-ish – ha!)

(My Reflections posts are more stream-of-consciousness kind of posts so I apologize up front if some of what you read doesn’t make sense. But this is me we’re talking about here so … are you really surprised?)

July 1: It was T’s last day – Dr. M and H’s nurse. She got a job as a school nurse and our dream team was officially broken. It was sort of broken when I made the decision to be E’ full-time MA, but now it was truly broken. I went down to talk to her a few times and I cried the last time. I just didn’t know what to say and I couldn’t keep my emotions under control. I truly thought we would all be together for another ten years – I was fully convinced of that. But our crappy management ended up tearing us apart and well… It’s so rare to find people that you enjoy, first of all, and work well together, secondly, that when it breaks up, it just guts you. I’m so glad that we got to do so many fun things together and made some pretty great memories. I turned a lot of our group photos into magnets and the front of our fridge is full of memories. I smile every time I open the fridge. Fun times. It’s so sad that it had to come to an end.

July 2: I was absolutely drained today. Too many emotions from yesterday, I guess. I did manage to take a shower and go tan but that was about it. I feel a little depressed today. It’s been so hot! The grass is crunchy.

July 3: Since Blake has to work tomorrow night, we decided to get together today so Blake could eat with us. Kevin grilled hamburgers and the boys came over. We ended up chatting for a few hours about them moving into the rental house. They have been in this apartment … I want to say five years and they are ready for a change. They are tired of dealing with noisy neighbors and their parking lot situation is awful. If they get home late there are no parking spots and they have to park far away and they’ve both been having problems with people dinging their cars. Blake even had his car broken into but luckily, there wasn’t anything valuable in his car. He forgot to lock it one night. I bet he doesn’t forget to do that again. The rental house doesn’t have a garage but it does have a car port so at least they don’t have to worry about anyone parking too close or breaking in. They seem pretty excited about moving in. Their lease is up in February so we have a ways to go but it was nice to seem them perk up.

July 4: Spent the day purging my thoughts out via my blog and my journal. Yes. I’m still journaling. I haven’t missed a day all year so far. It really helps me clear my mind and give me peace. I highly recommend it. You don’t have to do anything fancy, just get a notebook and start writing. You’ll be surprised how much better you feel after writing stuff down. I picked Brandon up and we went to sit at our usual place across the street from the nearby country club to mooch off their fireworks. They weren’t as good this year and didn’t last as long. Probably budget cuts. Who can afford to be a member of a country club in this day and age? Still. It was nice and didn’t cost us anything so win! Kevin used his telescope and looked at the moon. He actually got a few really good pictures with his phone.

Don’t you think it’s weird we haven’t been back to the moon? The technology is far superior to what it was in the 60’s. Why haven’t been back? I have a theory – we never went to begin with.

July 5: Sounds like Dr. M is getting an MA faster than I thought he would. Not sure how I feel about it. Of COURSE he needs a new MA, he can’t go without one forever. But I’m jealous. I feel like she’s stealing my work family. I know it’s silly to feel that way, but I do. I’m supposed to cover for him a few times next week and I’m sure the new girl will be with me those days – I’m withholding judgement until that time. I want her to be a decent MA but I’m not going to lie, I hope she’s not as good as I was. I know it’s selfish to think that, but well, I’m selfish, I guess. Had a patient yell at me today. Can’t even remember why. But here’s the thing with me and patients – I will always give 150%. But I have a line and cross that line, and all bets are off. I no longer care enough to get upset. *shrug* That’s just the way it is.

July 6: Had someone helping with clinic today. It was nice to have someone room the patients giving me time to return phone calls and work on messages and tasks I’ve been putting on the back burner. However, this girl is not the greatest and E won’t be actively trying to recruit her full time. Besides, she’s applying other places so she likely won’t be around much longer anyway. We haven’t really had any applications so I’m anticipating being by myself for a while. I can do it, but the pace is exhausting.

July 8: E. brought me flowers from her garden today as a way to say thank you and they were PERFECT. Even more beautiful than what you would buy in a flower shop. That’s one of many thing I like about E., she’s VERY appreciative and it feels nice to be told that. I know my old team appreciated me and H. and T. were great about showing that, but D. M., well, he’s a man, so what do you expect, but a simple thank you once in a while would have gone a LONG way, you know? E. thanks me every day and though it’s a little embarrassing I would by lying if I didn’t say that it makes me feel good that I’m helping her. She’s going on vacation next week and I think she’s a little nervous. Last time she went on vacation with her old MA she came back to absolute mess which makes me even more determined to make sure I take care of things while she’s gone. It’s so weird not having a nurse to go through like I did with Dr. M., on the 7th floor. Up here, it’s just me and E. I’m the one everyone comes to with questions, (of course, I run these by E., I don’t make decisions without her approval), but it’s both nice and stressful to be in that position. To basically be the spokesperson for our little clinic. It’s a little nerve wracking.

July 9: Holy cow I’m tired. It was one of those days I simply could not summon any energy at all. I could have easily slept all day. I remember days like this before I met Kevin when I was working at Wendys and living by myself. Some days off I would literally sleep all day and then go to bed early and sleep all night. I felt great the next day, though. I think sometimes, my body just shuts down and says, “nope, you’re done.” I think it’s all of the stress I’ve been under lately learning this new clinic and trying to be perfect for E. I have a motto: I never want to the be the reason something didn’t get done or got done incorrectly. Not very realistic but I’m a perfectionist and I give EVERYTHING to my job. I do wonder sometimes, though, if I don’t have a touch of chronic fatigue. Maybe I just need more iron.

July 10: My right arm is killing me. I don’t know if it’s coming from my neck or my shoulder. It hurts between my shoulder and my elbow and reaching behind me is excoriating. I think it might be because I have my right arm up on my desk hovering over my mouse all day – keeping that position can’t be good. I’ll use the heating pad tonight and see if that helps.

July 11: Since E. is out, I worked Dr. J’s clinic today. It was a Telemedicine clinic which is challenging as you have to put your IT hat on and troubleshoot to get people into the virtual room. I also like it because you don’t have to physically deal with people. But working his clinic today really emphasized the stress and general unhappiness on the 7th floor and I’m so grateful that I don’t have to deal with that anymore. It makes me appreciate E that much more. I hope she’s having a good vacation with her family. She deserves from fun. She’s had a rough year.

July 12: Got a text from Dr. M’s medical secretary today – the MA for Dr. S. called in sick and she asked if I could cover the clinic. Of course I said yes. I really like Dr. S. That’s one thing with this job, you have to be flexible and willing to pivot at a moment’s notice.

July 13: Worked Dr. M’s clinic today. I worked it with his new MA. It was weird to work his clinic after so much time away from it. It felt off and weird without T there to spearhead things. The work dynamic felt off. It was cathartic for me, though. It felt like closure. I needed that, I think. I highly doubt I work his clinic again any time soon.

July 14: Dr. M’s new MA was supposed to sit with me so I could go over some specific preferences with her and she came up with a lame excuse to get out of it. It made me so angry that I text H to let her know because I didn’t want her think that I dropped the ball if/when the MA screws up. H wasn’t happy to hear that and management came up to me later and asked me not to do that in the future, to give this new girl a chance. It’s hard to give someone a chance when she’s not interested but whatever, she feels like she knows it all. Fine. Knock yourself out. Speaking of management. Our assistant director sat down with me, (with everyone, not just me), to let me know that our old manager was no longer our manager and she didn’t have any authority to tell us what to do. All management duties were being transferred to him from that point forward. It was great news! This manager was the reason several people, including T, left. It’s too bad they couldn’t have made this change before T put her notice in!

July 15: My teeth are really starting to bother me. *sigh* I can’t put this off much longer. I made an appointment with my dentist. Let’s see how bad my teeth have gotten. It’s always bad news when I go to the dentist. My teeth are terrible.

July 16: Tossing around the idea of doing a book review podcast. Probably won’t happen but it’s fun to think about.

July 17: Watched a productivity video today and the guy said he puts a number in the front of his journal every year. This number is the number of days you have left to live. Sounds morbid but bear with me. He gets this number by taking your age, times 365 and subtracting that number from 32850. The 32850 is the number of days you would live assuming you lived to be 90. Now, not everyone will live to be 90 and a some people will live longer than 90 but it gives you a ball park number of the number of days you have left. This is to impress upon you the importance of living each day to it’s fullest and I have to say, it’s sobering but eye opening.

July 18: E is back from vacation! She told me all about and it sounds like she had an amazing time. She went to Arizona and it really makes me want to go. I really want to go to Montana, Utah, Wyoming and the Dakotas, too. We’ve never been that far north and it’s on my camping list, for sure. We’re supposed to be borrowing an MA from Neurology for the next three weeks. The Neurologist she works for is from India and he’s going back home to see his family so she’ll be free to help us. I hope she’s good. If not, I would rather be by myself, quite frankly.

July 19: Sarah, the girl from Neurology, is AMAZING!! We would LOVE to steal her but alas, she’s pretty attached to her doctor. She was a huge help and the day went smoothly. We had a few fires to put out by the end of the day and E and I stayed late to take care of that, but overall, it was a great day. We had a potential hire come by today and I had to give her the elevator pitch on what we did in our clinic. I hope I sold it. She seemed nice. She’s an LPN. I think that would be a great addition to the clinic but I don’t know if she would this position, it’s really more geared toward an MA rather than an LPN and I would worry that she would get bored with us. I had to push two patients out to their cards in the parking lot today and my shoulder KILLED me. I’m not at the point where I want to go to the doctor about it yet, but GAH, it was painful.

July 20: E. gave me a pouch that she picked up on her vacation – it says “I hate people.” She’s starting to know me! Ha! Brandon came over and surprised me as I was eating dinner. His electric window broke and he had picked up the part and was waiting on Kevin to get home so they could fix it. I’m SO THANKFUL for Kevin. He’s a jack of all trades and it’s so nice that he can fix pretty much anything. It was 102 degrees today and it’s supposed to be 100 the rest of the week. Super hot summer this year!

July 21: Sarah had a scare today. A neighbor called her to tell her her mom was experiencing severe vertigo and asked if she could check in on her when she got off work. I felt so bad for her! Speaking from experience, Vertigo is NOT FUN and it brought back my four days of hell.

July 22: Kevin and LeRoy left for their camping trip. I tried to talk Kevin out of it because it was supposed to be over 100 this weekend. That’s MISERABLE weather to camp in. Trust me.

July 23: Kevin said they lost power at the campsite. Not good on a 100 degree day!! He’s talking about maybe installing some solar panels on the trailer in case this happens in the future. Sounds expensive.

July 25: The hired the LPN and she’s going to work with us! Yay! I’m so excited to have someone permanent in the clinic. I guess I did a pretty good job selling our clinic to her! Ha!

July 29: We spent $120 grocery shopping tonight for virtually NOTHING. Fuck Joe Biden and his “Build Back Better” bullshit. I can’t wait to vote his ass out of office. GRR.

July 30: Went Kevin’s parents’ house. Jeanne made tacos for LeRoy’s birthday. I felt SO BAD when we got there and it was very obvious she was having teeth pain. Her face was swollen and she said had a tooth abscess and here we are, eating the dinner she worked hard to make feeling like crap. Discovered Stationary Pal today and I’m hooked. You can get super cheap stationary items from China. Which makes me feel guilty but did I mention they’re cheap?

(My Reflections posts are more stream-of-consciousness kind of posts so I apologize up front if some of what you read doesn’t make sense. But this is me we’re talking about here so … are you really surprised?)

June 1: Clinic went well. E. was very thankful for helping her out. I’m really enjoying working her clinic. She’s smart, articulate, gracious, considerate and accessible. She doesn’t see as many patients as the surgeons but it’s enough to keep us busy all day because we’re having to get more information on them than we would in the neurosurgery clinic. We had a really good conversation about where she wants to take the clinic and it was exciting, to me, anyway. I would like to be part of this process. To be part of something bigger, to help mold it into a successful clinic. My gut is telling me I should stay with her. But I don’t know if I can leave Dr. M. and H. I’ve been their MA for nine years – that’s not something you can easily just toss away. But staying with E. in some ways, in a lot of ways, would be easier but more challenging, if that makes sense. I know I’m only supposed to be with E for six(ish) weeks but … I’m torn.

June 2: I don’t know my head from my ass. The MA before me, who is no longer with us because 1. she was terrible and 2. she made some pretty bad choices, left everything in a mess. I can tell that she didn’t really know what she was doing. I’m trying to sort through it all. If I hadn’t tested positive for COVID, (I didn’t have COVID, folks – these tests are bogus), I would have had time to organize and be prepared to help E. out. In addition, there is an aspect to this job that requires secretary permissions – accessing PACS largely, (our imaging software – this is where MRI’s, CT’s, xrays, etc go and where doctors pull up the images to review), and other smaller permissions needed to other bits and bobs in order to get all of the information that E. needs to go over with patients and aid her with diagnoses. And let’s face it – rooming patients, getting that information, easy, I’ve been doing that for nine years. Scheduling testing, easy. I’ve been doing that on and off since starting with this job. But the secretarial part of this process, which is not hard, but time consuming and consists of a lot of moving parts, I’m unfamiliar with. So naturally, I need help with this part. And considering this is only my third day of helping E. out, I’m treading water here. So, I reach out to the secretaries in the neurosurgery clinic for help for example, in how to fill out FMLA paperwork. Again. We had secretaries for that in the neurosurgery clinic – I’ve never done it, I’ve never had to do it because it was someone else’s responsibility. My manager gets wind of my asking for help, even though she has repeatedly told me to ask for help if I need it and for once, I take her up on the offer, (because I don’t ask for help – I’ll figure it out on my own), and she comes storming up to my office and flat out tells me no.

EXCUSE ME?! She said I “needed to figure it out, that this is now my responsibility.” Um .. I’m happy to do the job but I can’t do the job if I’ve never shown how to do it! I was flabbergasted and PISSED OFF. And I wasn’t very nice back to her, I’ll be honest. It was an ugly conversation and one that E. heard every bit of because her desk is behind a wall behind my desk to give her some privacy and I don’t think my manager knew she was back there. E. was pretty pissed as well. We got through the rest of clinic, it was just me and E., but we talked about it later and she talked me off a ledge.

June 3: Today was much calmer. It was just me and E. but we only had a morning clinic so it was manageable. I prepared Dr. M’s clinic and E’s clinic for Monday and returned some phone calls. Luckily, it wasn’t that busy and I was able to get some things done. E. and I had another great conversation and I came to a decision, though let’s be honest, I knew this was going to happen – I told her I would like to stay with her permanently. I really enjoy working with her and I think we can do great things with the clinic. It was a spur of the moment decision, basically I said, “What do you say if we make this situation permanent?” She visibly sighed with relief and that’s that – I’m E’s new MA. I text Dr. M and H and told them and lastly, I told management, who can kiss my butt because I’m OVER them. So. They will post my old MA position for Dr. M. I will continue to prepare his clinics until they find and train someone to take over. I won’t work his clinics, another MA will do that, but at least they won’t have to worry about preparing his clinics – they can literally walk in and start rooming patients. Our assistant director, who is over my manager, came up to talk to me at the end of the day. He apologized on my manager’s behalf – no one should deny anyone help, especially when they ask for it, and told me there would be changes in the near future. Who knows what that means but I no longer care, my first priority is to E and turning her clinic into a well run machine. I really feel like God plopped this opportunity into my lap. I’m feeling very grateful.

June 4: Took Kevin to see my new desk today. I’m actually on a whole new floor, so that’s exciting. He helped me move our fridge around to figure out where we could put it. I’m really looking forward to this new challenge. I just hope I get to stick around and don’t have to leave in the Fall when the flu vaccine mandate rolls around. That’s like a black cloud always following me around. Starting to have some pain in my left lower jaw. It’s probably a tooth problem. I haven’t been to the dentist in years.

June 5: Went up to the middle school and used their track to walk on. It was a beautiful day. I really want to get back into walking again. I passed an old man and he said, “you are a beautiful woman.” Ha! He needs his eye sight checked. Gas is up to $4.29. FJB. If you know what that means, you know.

June 6: Strange day. E’s old MA came over to get some stuff she forgot out of her desk, so that was super awkward since I technically took her place. Then, about 20 minutes later, I don’t know what she said, but it was bad enough that security was called and she was escorted out of the building. It upset E. and we ended up canceling the rest of the day. There is more to this story but I don’t feel right sharing that here, suffice it to say, it was serious and she will never work for the hospital again.

June 7: I’m starting to get a handle on who clinic runs. I still have a lot to learn about E. and her preferences but I’m starting to get organized and I’m finally ahead of the rolling ball always right on my heels. I’ve been working insane hours – twelve hour days just to stay ahead. I’m preparing Dr. M’s clinic as well as E’s clinics, rooming, scheduling, returning phone calls … it’s been nuts. It’s been a challenge and I’m loving the multi-tasking but I don’t want to keep this pace up forever – hopefully, they will get me help soon. My paychecks are AWESOME though.

June 10: Fridays are half clinic days. E. only sees patients in the morning so it gives me a chance to get caught up from the week and prepare for the next week. It’s been rough having clinic every day. We only had clinic twice a week in neurosurgery, (the surgeons are in surgery the rest of the week), so the pace is sort of grueling, wash and repeat kind of thing. Getting an handle on it and the more I get to know E., the more I truly like her.

June 11: Kevin figured out how much it would cost us in gas to drive to Galveston, Texas in August if gas gets up to $5.00 a gallon – $800! Ouch. Hopefully, it won’t get that high but too bad, we’re doing this. FJB and his stupid, asinine policies.

June 12: Really hot today. I made the mistake of going to the middle school and walking and nearly passed out from dehydration. I had to sit under a tree to cool off. So annoying getting older. I used to be able to tolerate hot weather a lot better when I was younger. Sucks.

June 13: Good clinic day. I’m definitely finding my groove. I’m learning I can NOT procrastinate in this clinic – there’s no time to procrastinate because we will have a whole batch of new patients and problems tomorrow. In some ways, this is good for me because I’m a huge procrastinator. Another MA quit today. Our management sucks and it’s really taking a toll on everyone. There’s a lot of drama on my old floor. I’m so glad I’m on a different floor and drama free. God was definitely looking out for me.

June 14: Some asshole scrapped up Blake’s car. I felt so bad for him, he loves that car. People are jerks.

June 15: Another MA bites the dust. The director of the clinic pulled me aside and told me that they simply didn’t have the staff to help me right now so I’m basically on my own. I told him that’s fine but I will be getting a lot of overtime. He told me that was the least of his concerns right now. I’m up for it but let’s hope they find me help soon – maintaining this crazy pace is going to get old FAST.

June 16: Kevin and Brandon talked about moving into the rental house in February. The boys are ready to get out of their apartment. They are sick of noisy neighbors and the parking situation.

June 17: We took off at 12:30 today and headed to Linn Creek up by the Lake of the Ozarks. I felt really nauseous packing up, I have no idea why, but thankfully it subsided by the time we were ready to take off. I’m rarely sick so when I do feel bad, it always sort of takes me by surprise. It’s super hot today – in the 90’s. This might be too uncomfortable to camp in, but we’ll see. We got to the campground and the site they assigned us had little to no shade. The guy that was guiding us to our site felt bad and changed it to a site that had some shade trees. I’m so thankful, that would have been miserable. The KOA site is right off the highway and nestled in the trees so there was very little wind. This might be a mistake.

June 18 – 21: Will write more about this camping trip soon.

June 22: Back to work. E. and I went through her upcoming schedule template to try and figure out how many patients just her and me can comfortably see. That’s another reason I really like E., she thinks ahead like this. Makes life SO much easier when you have someone that thinks ahead. We now have three neurosurgeons that do not have an MA so realistically, this means E’s clinic will likely be the last priority as far as getting anyone to help. I’m up for it, though. And I have to say, I’m DIGGING not having a nurse to run things by. It’s just me and E. And she’s so accessible and available at all times to ask questions – it’s really freeing in a lot of ways. I’m loving it. Booked another camping trip – we’re going to a state park for the first time and it won’t have sewer. That will be a challenge.

June 23: Had some patients no-show their appointments today so the day dragged by. That’s the thing with her schedule – it’s VERY fluid. I find myself having to re-wire my brain as far as expectations and such. But at least I don’t feel as out-of-control anymore. I’m definitely getting into a groove.

June 25: Boys came over for a belated Father’s Day celebration. Kevin made us curly-cue hotdogs on the grill. He’s such a good cook. WAY better than myself. I hate cooking. I hate spending 30 minutes on something that literally takes five minutes to consume. I was hoping they would stay for games, but neither of them were feeling it. We talked more about them moving into the rental house with LeRoy. They seem pretty excited about it though I’m not sure LeRoy is very excited having to share a house he’s had to himself for about six/seven years.

June 26: Super tired and super not motivated today. I think my crazy work schedule is starting to get to me.

June 27: E is worried about me. She doesn’t want me to burn out and quit. The long hours are starting to take a toll but I’m determined to make this work – I want to be indispensable so that they won’t be able to let me go when vaccine exemption time rolls around.

June 28: Had a man with one leg and a body full of tattoos tell me I smelled good today. Um .. yuck. I really do love working with E. I get to schedule patients for appointments and testing and I really missed doing that as a scheduler. I’ll be honest, I don’t really like being an MA. People exhaust me anyway but to have to listen to their painful stories … it’s almost too much for my introverted personality.

(Thank goodness I’ve been writing in my bullet journal every day, otherwise, I wouldn’t have a clue what happened in May. This is also the second time I’ve written this post – WordPress’ auto-save function froze for a bit and I ended up losing everything – AAARGH).

Sun, May 1: Had a productive day at home today – mopped floors … that’s about it. Save for the normal bathrooms, vacuumed floors and laundry chores. I’m usually pretty lazy on the weekends. I don’t feel like my time belongs to me during the week when I’m at work so I’m pretty stingy with my time on the weekends – it’s MY time.

Made reservations to camp at Johnson’s Shut In for April 2023. Believe it or not, that was the first availability. Granted, the only time we really have time to camp is over the weekend and of course, that’s when most people want to go camping is the weekends, so it can be a challenge reserving a spot sometimes. We had heard about this park from Kevin’s sister and after seeing pictures, I wanted to try it out. We actually reserved a spot with sewer, which is unusual for a state park – usually the sites only have water and electricity. Our cargo trailer is not set up for boondocking, (which means camping with no water, sewer or electricity hook ups), but I really want to camp at some state parks because they are near water and are more peaceful. We’ll just have to figure something else out about the sewer. We have a small external black tank we can use, we’ve just never used it. I’m a bit nervous to camp without a sewer option – I can’t make it a whole night without peeing – but we’ll figure it out.

Mon, May 2: Reserved another campsite at Linn City. It’s a KOA campground. We decided to go ahead and become members of KOA because honestly, the facilities are nice and there are so many of them across the United States that we have lots of options. This campground is located right between Lake of the Ozarks and Ha Ha Tonka state park. I thought it would be fun to walk some trails and hang out at the lake for a few days.

Wed, May 4: Pissed off today. I feel like Dr. M. is picking on me today insinuating that I’m not returning phone calls, i.e. not doing my job. Nothing gets me more fired up than having people accuse me of not doing my job or not doing my job well enough. I work my ass off, thank you very much.

Thurs, May 5: It’s been raining a lot this past week. It’s been a very wet spring so far. Kevin and I drove by Springfield Lake and it was not only swollen, but churning and scary looking. Well here, look for yourself:

Usually, the water line is at the bottom of these stairs and out far enough you can walk to the water, not have the water come to you. This is on the other side of the dam. I’ve lived here all my life and have never seen it so angry before.

Had a co-worker come to me crying today. Management was mean to her. This actually happens a lot. I think par to the reason is because I’m the oldest person there and people think of me as a “mom,” but also, I’m a good listener. And wise. Apparently, I’m wise, too. At least, I’ve been told that. But it’s exhausting to be everyone’s sounding board.

Sat, May 7: I got my hair cut off today. It was to my shoulders but my stylist cut off about six inches and now I have a bob/lob do. It looks sort of like this:

I like it, not sure if Kevin is loving it. It looks better with some curl and/or wave to it but it’s still long enough to pull back into a baby ponytail. I just wanted something that had some style if I wore it down. I wore it up most of the time when it was long and I was sick of it. I’ve had my hair shorter than this in the past though – in fact, I had a boy cut at one point in my life. Kevin was definitely not a fan of that but I liked it – sort of – but it was fun while it lasted. I’m trying to get some ashy highlights put in next time so that when my gray grows out, it doesn’t grow out as gray but sort of blends with my highlights.

Yeah. My stylist loves me. lol

Anyway, I like it and will probably keep it this length for a while.

Sun, May 8: Mother’s day! Bah humbug. I’m not a holidays sort of gal. They are exhausting to me and honestly, EVERYDAY should be Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, your birthday, Christmas, etc. Celebrate every day – why do we save all of our appreciation and celebrating for certain days?

It was super chill. We just ordered pizza. The boys were supposed to come over at noon and eat pizza with us but only Brandon showed up. Apparently, Blake was still asleep. Blake has crazy hours. He goes to bed at about 5:00 AM and gets up about 1:00 PM. His works hours are 3:00 PM to 10:00 PM so I sort of get why he keeps such crazy hours but he’s trying to break the cycle and go to bed at a more reasonable time. Anyway, just Brandon came over and we had some good conversation. But I could tell he wanted to get back home so we gave him the leftover pizza and he left. About five minutes later, Blake shows up. HA! We didn’t have any pizza for him, but it was nice spending time with him before he left. It actually worked out kind of cool because we had a chance to spend some time with each son by themselves.

Blake says he’s having trouble seeing at night. He’s gotten his eyes checked in the past and apparently one of his pupils is “football” shaped and he needs glasses. But he never followed up on it and now he feels like his eyes are worse. I’m trying to encourage him to get his eyes checked again and he can buy his glasses from Zinni for cheap, but he hasn’t done it yet. Now that he’s having trouble seeing at night, maybe he’ll follow up on that. It’s hard not to worry about your children – no matter how old they get.

Mon, May 9: Today was the first day of nurse’s week. I bought my nurse something for every day this week. Today was a farm fresh mug filled with Andes’ candies and a cute chicken wall decor. (She likes farm decor). She wasn’t in a very good mood though so it wasn’t as fun as I hoped it would be. And no one said anything about my new hairstyle. Usually no news means people don’t like it. Whatever. I like it. Screw ’em.

Tues, May 10: Spent the day in Emily’s clinic today. Her MA just lost her son so her brain was understandably not working today. I tried really hard not to let it annoy me, but I was pretty annoyed. I’m a terrible human being.

Another MA put her notice in. We’re now down two MA’s but we have two MA’s hired and they should be starting at the end of the month. They will probably want me to train them, which is fine, but they are also going to pay me overtime because I can’t train them and get my work done, too.

Wed, May 11: Clinic went well. We all went to Garbo’s, a pizzeria, after clinic as a team to eat lunch to celebrate our nurse T. It was fun. I also really enjoy when we get together outside of work. Everyone is more relaxed and we all get along, (well, we all get along anyway but it’s more fun outside of the hospital) and have some laughs. Our server took our picture:

Dr. M. drove his Tesla and it was fun to watch it bling out to some music – his car entertained us, lol. I took a video, but his license plate is in the video and I don’t think he would appreciate it if I posted that online, so, you’ll just have to take my word on that one. lol I truly love this team.

Sat, May 14: Kevin and LeRoy went camping. Which means I had the weekend to myself. I did what I wanted when I wanted. Let’s face it, I do that every weekend. Kevin and I don’t spend a lot of time together on the weekends. I have my hobbies, he has his – then we eat dinner together and talk about our days. It works. I truly like being by myself. I’m perfectly fine with me, myself and I. But after about two days, I start getting lonely and it’s a little creepy being by myself at night. But it was a good day. I’ve been watching “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on Amazon. It reminds me of Mad Men – that era, that level of innocence in the story line.

Mon, May 16: Had a good hair day.

Tues, May 17: Worked Emily’s clinic today. She sees about 10 patients per day. That doesn’t sound like a lot, but she spends a lot of time with her patients because they are coming to her with nothing – no images, nothing. So, Emily has to get all of the information and figure out the best course of action for them. After sending patients for conservative treatments and/or testing, if they are surgical, she then refers them to neurosurgery for evaluation. I think she could get away with only having one MA up there, but that MA would have to be strong. Someone who could handle a lot of multi-tasking as that person would be both rooming and scheduling patients. Right now, we’re all taking turns helping her with her clinic since Emily’s normal MA was let go, (she wasn’t a good fit) and she doesn’t have anyone permanent right now. Emily is Dr. M’s old nurse before she left to go to nurse practitioner school. I’ve always heard good things about her from him. She’s pretty great.

Wed, May 18: What a weird day. Worked Dr. M’s clinic today and we had a patient show up who no-showed another appointment but thought that day was the day of his appointment. Dr. M, being the kind guy he is, said yes and we saw him. Another patient, who we think has a touch of Dementia, told T that he wanted to get his gun out last night and shoot himself. Because he said that, we had to call security and they had to escort him out of the office to be evaluated by psych. Word to the wise – DON’T SAY THINGS LIKE THAT IN A HEALTHCARE SETTING. We have no choice but to report it and then it gets ugly.

Another weird thing happened today. Management pulled me into her office and asked if I would consider helping Emily out, semi-permanently, to help her get her clinic off the ground. What she is doing is important but she hasn’t had any decent help and she’s struggling. Ultimately, the surgeons want to grow her clinic so that the majority of new patients that get referred to neurosurgery have to go through her first. Because as I always tell people, seeing a neurosurgeon should always be your last option, not your first option. Too many people are being referred directly to neurosurgery and just because you have back pain does not mean you need surgery.

I told my manager I would think about it and wanted Dr. M’s thoughts on it first before making a decision.

And then one last weird thing happened – T., our nurse, told me she had interviewed for a school nurse job a few months back and was offered the job. She’s going to take it. So – Dr. M’s team is being broken up and I’m not sure how I feel about that. Both T and I always thought we would stick it out until Dr. M retired in ten years and now, in less than 48 hours, two of the dream team is being ripped out. Strange and sad.

Thurs, May 19: Worked Emily’s clinic. It was strange to work her clinic and know that I may one day be running it. I’m sure she was thinking the same thing. I’m weighing my pros and cons about this move:

Cons:

I would have to deal with patients every day instead of two days a week. I would never really have any down time. True, she only sees about ten patients a day as opposed to the 15 to 18 I’m used to with Dr. M., but they are stretched out over the course of the entire day so that by the time clinic is over, it’s 3:00 PM and I’m busy returning phone calls and getting ready for the next day’s clinic.

I’m pretty attached to my work family – I’ve been with Dr. M. for about nine years now. That’s not something you just throw away lightly.

Pros:

I don’t have to deal with suture/staple removals anymore, i.e., don’t have to touch people.

The clinic is on the 9th floor, the neurosurgeons are on the 7th floor. And though I would still be under the same management, I would be away from the drama – out of sight, out of mind.

She only gets about 6 phone calls per day as opposed to 15 to 20 per day in neurosurgery.

I would be in complete control – no buffer – no nurse to go through – just me and Emily.

Mon, May 23: Spoke to Dr. M. today about moving up to the 9th floor and helping Emily. He was all for it, encouraged me to go. I don’t know what I expected from him – did I think he was going to beg me to stay? Of course not. And this will ultimately be a good move for neurosurgery as a whole, but I was annoyed that he wasn’t at least a LITTLE sad about letting me go. Management is having a hard time getting rid of Emily’s MA. I know there are some hoops to jump through and red tape to navigate, but I feel like they are handling this poorly. As usual, everyone is talking and wondering what is going on and as usual, management is not talking to anyone. All I know is, the MA is leaving, and she’s super unhappy with her performance and she has gotten complaints about this MA and she doesn’t want her in her clinic anymore. The thing is, she’s still here and management doesn’t know how to rid of her, I guess.

Super awkward.

Anyway, I guess I’m going up to the 9th floor as soon as they can figure out how to boot the other MA out.

Tues, May 24: My day ended on a bad note – MY COVID TEST CAME BACK POSITIVE. I had to leave immediately and go home. And this means I won’t be able to come back until Tuesday after Memorial day. (The office was closed on Memorial Day).

I. WAS. FURIOUS. I wasn’t sick. I didn’t even have a sniffle!!! But hospital policy, (insert snotty tone of voice), dictated that I had to be off work for five days before being allowed back. What a crappy time for this to happen. We are pretty short handed and I’m trying to establish a working relationship with Emily.

This whole COVID process is bullshit. I know the hospital is just following the federal governments mandate nonsense so they can get Medicare money, but it’s bullshit. I’m not sick. I feel great. I’m sure it was a false positive – gotta keep those numbers up!

Wed, May 25: Spent the day in shock. I still can’t believe I tested positive for COVID. This whole thing is such a scam. I’m so pissed.

I spent the entire day watching the Johnny Depp v Amber Heard trial. It was interesting to listen to the lawyers ask questions. I could care less about both actors, but the legal process was interesting.

Coincidentally – I received my legal secretary certificate today. Talk about good timing! I am so OVER healthcare right now and I’m so GRATEFUL that I have a back up plan.

Thurs, May 26: IT’S OUR 32ND WEDDING ANNIVERSARY! We’ve been married 32 years today! Wow. I can’t believe Kevin has stuck it out with me for so long. I’m not an easy person to live with. *cough*. We ended up trying a new Thai restaurant and then went to Menard’s and bought a nice BBQ grill to take with us on our camping trips. We’re trying to cook more when we go camping. We ate out way too much this past camping trip.

And yes, we went out to eat and then went shopping – no, I don’t have COVID. Everyone calm down.

Fri, May 27: Our county health department called me today to ask how I was feeling. I told her I felt great, didn’t even have a sniffle and she paused after I told her that. I don’t think she hears that very often. She seemed surprised that I wasn’t having any symptoms at all, like zero. And I told her it’s because I don’t have COVID and it was a false positive. I wasn’t particularly nice to her because I’m still pretty pissed off about this even though the woman was only doing her job, but GAH, people – LEAVE ME ALONE! She sent me some sort of email that gave me “permission” to go back to work on Tuesday and I forwarded it to Kevin, who got really mad at the way it was worded. He still wants to hire a lawyer about this whole COVID fiasco that I have to deal with at work but nope, I don’t care enough to spend the money on a lawyer. At least, right now. Who knows how I feel in the Fall after I submit my flu vaccination exemption request.

I went for a long walk after that phone call and it was nice to get some fresh air and sunshine/vitamin D. Kevin and I then went grocery shopping, got some cashew chicken and came home.

I’m living my life, folks. Screw it.

Sat, May 28: Spent a considerable amount of time working on my resume today. I used Canva, which has a bunch of free resume templates. I now have a resume ready to go if/when I’m forced down that road.

I went for a walk and Kevin worked on cleaning out the gutters. Unfortunately, he forgot to clean them out this past fall so we not only had decomposing leaves but we also had helicopter seeds from our maple trees this spring and we had quite a few mini trees growing in our gutters. Oops!

We ate at McCalister’s for dinner, got our Saturday night ice cream, (a tradition) and had a quiet night.

Sun, May 29: Boys came over for chicken bacon ranch sandwiches, potato/macaroni salad and cookies to celebrate Memorial Day weekend. We then went for a walk after dinner to digest our food and I had a good conversation with the boys. I wish they would get out more – just a walk around the block does wonders for your mental health.

We also had a really good discussion about the possibility of them moving into our rental house across the street when their lease is up in March 2023. They both seemed pretty interested.

And right on cue – our air conditioner is not working. It still comes on but it doesn’t blow cold air. Kevin is calling someone Tuesday to come look at it.

Mon, May 30: It was hot today. I went for a walk early but not early enough and I had to take a few breaks under a shade tree because I started to feel lightheaded.

Kevin caulked the seam in the trailer near the wheels – when it rains and blows a certain way, water gets in there. He also fixed the step his dad built for us for the camper – it was a bit wobbly and LeRoy actually fell and banged his knee pretty hard against the doorframe in the trailer.

Tues, May 31: Back to work. No one really talked to me about this whole COVID scare – they all know how I feel about it and no one wanted to get me riled up.

Smart.

At least I won’t have to test again until August. Once you test positive for COVID, you don’t have to test again for three months. Because, you know, it will be probably come back positive again in that time frame. *eye roll* I want to take another one just so it will come back negative and I can say, “SEE!? I never had COVID to begin with. Now pay me back the vacation days I had to take for this fiasco.”

But whatever.

I’m testing again right before I go on vacation and if it comes back positive, awesome! I’m leaving for vacation anyway.

Can you tell I’m bitter about this??

I worked Emily’s clinic today. It was a lot of work. The previous MA left a mess and I felt disoriented and like a new MA again because I didn’t know my head from my ass. I can definitely handle this new position but getting there will take a little time as I organize the place and work on my time management. Since it’s just me, there is a LOT to do and a short time to do it so I need to figure out a good time to tackle daily tasks so I don’t get behind.

I have a feeling I will be working a lot of overtime in the next few weeks.

Thanks for reading!

(My Reflections posts are more stream-of-consciousness kind of posts so I apologize up front if some of what you read doesn’t make sense. But this is me we’re talking about here so … are you really surprised?)

Apr 1: It was a quiet day at work. Everyone left me alone – BONUS. No one tried to pull a fast one on me being April Fool’s Day. Most likely because they know I don’t like surprises and when I am surprised I tend to get snappy and angry because DON’T SURPRISE ME. I’ve been taking my wireless earbuds into work on Fridays and slipping into my own world listening to music or some podcasts. My current podcast obsessions are:

Morbid: A True Crime podcast
“It’s a lighthearted nightmare in here, weirdos! Morbid is a true crime, creepy history and all things spooky podcast hosted by an autopsy technician and a hairstylist. Join us for a heavy dose of research with a dash of comedy thrown in for flavor.”

It’s a fun podcast hosted by two women who I think are related (?). They have a lot of fun with these stories and often make me smile/laugh. I will say though, sometimes I just want them to get on with it the story because the stories are FASCINATING! Especially the The Dyatlov Pass Incident – episode 3 – HIGHLY recommend. It will have you scratching your head far after you finish the podcast.

Crime Junkie

“If you can never get enough true crime… Congratulations, you’ve found your people.”

I know, they are a bit morbid, (ha! see what I did there?), but they’re fascinating, are great fodder for story ideas and the best part? They’re true! People are weird, ya’ll.

Anyway. I’m enjoying a chance to decompress at work and it makes Fridays go way faster than they do. (Why does time seem to stand still at around 2:00 PM on Fridays??)

Apr 2: I’ve been hooked on Solitaire lately. But not the traditional game, but a variation of it on my home computer. I know it’s because I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and it helps calm down my anxiety and center my brain for a bit. It’s been nice.

Took my quiz today. I’ll work on my assignments later. This class has been pretty easy, so far. But then again, I do a lot of this stuff in my current job so …

I’m dying to ask Branson how his date went but I don’t want to be one of those mothers that breathes down her children’s necks whenever something personal happens to them. I’ll ask eventually, or I’m hoping he just tells me. I’m excited that he has a date, but I’ll be honest, I can’t help but worry about him. Women are trouble, especially women nowadays – let’s face it ladies – there is a lot of indoctrination and crazy beliefs out there right now. But I don’t want our boys to grow old without someone special in their lives so we’ve just been praying that whatever woman they end up with is kind, intelligent, self-sufficient and has a sense of humor.

Is that asking too much? I feel like that might be, actually.

Apr 3: Ready for this class to be over. I’m learning a lot but then again, I’m not really trying all that hard, either. It’s just a back-up plan if this healthcare gig doesn’t work out. And by “work out” I mean, the hospital doesn’t honor my SINCERELY HELD BELIF about annual vaccinations.

Apr 4: I was in a really pissy mood today. Everything and everyone were getting on my last nerve at work today. Nothing bad happened, I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with people today. I had one scoop, ONE SCOOP, of regular coffee in my brew today, (I usually dump three scoops of decaf) and I thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest today. I can’t tell you how annoying it is that I can no longer tolerate caffeine. What the hell. I had to take a baby aspirin to calm it down today. And no, I don’t have heart issues, but I am prone to palpitations whenever I drink caffeine, or get this, also eat dark chocolate. I’m assuming, because of the caffeine in dark chocolate. And actually, I don’t even think it’s palpitations, but my chest … vibrates. It’s hard to describe. I check my pulse and my heart is beating fine but my chest vibrates. It’s a very weird feeling. It doesn’t hurt, but it is uncomfortable, mainly because I don’t know what the heck is going on and it freaks me out.

Kevin got a freaking jury duty summons today! AARGH! We’re supposed to go camping at the end of the month. We’re hoping he can get out of it. One of the acceptable excuses is legal guardian and he’s a legal guardian for his special-needs uncle and has documentation to back that up so hopefully …

Apr 5: Worked a different provider’s clinic today. I always get super nervous when I have to do that because I sort of have a reputation for being a good, (decent), MA and I feel like I have to live up to that expectation. This provider, she’s a nurse practitioner who is just starting out and she asked me for some suggestions on how she can run her clinic more efficiently after it was over. She’s not terribly happy with her permanent MA and I went up to help gauge what I thought could use improvement.

I’m flattered that I’m asked for my opinion so much, I’ve been working there for ten years, I know my way around a clinic flow, but it’s exhausting and I just sort of wish people would leave me alone. I know that makes me sound ungrateful, and I’m not but … *sigh*

Apr 7: Sat by myself behind one-way glass today and most people didn’t know where I was, nor bothered me. It was glorious. I got A LOT done and felt relaxed. Though, my blood pressure was high today. I don’t know why some days are like that. I don’t feel particularly stressed. I’m still doing alternate fasting – my window to eat anything is between 1:00 – 6:00 though I’ll be honest, I have gotten lazy and have been consuming way too much sugar. I need to whip myself back into shape.

Kevin’s jury duty excuse was granted! That’s such a huge relief. I really wanted to go camping the end of April and now we can!

Slept with an ice pack on my arm last night. My upper arms have been A.C.H.I.N.G. Again. I have no idea why. Maybe I’m over doing the vitamins? Maybe it’s the flu vaccine? I don’t know. All I know is my body has felt more achy these past few years than in my entire life. Yes. I’m getting older. Yes, some of this comes with age … but I also wonder what else is going on. That’s another reason I’m DONE with vaccines.

Apr 8: Today was weird. Management asked me to sit with a fellow MA who needs some .. um .. fine tuning and I was happy to help. We sat together, we went over some stuff, (which to be honest, the lack of knowledge on her part for the amount of time she’s been with us was a little alarming, not going to lie), and I thought it went well.

And then everyone and their grandma came up to me later to tell me this person was crying and upset. She apparently thought she was in trouble because she had to sit with me so I could go over a few things with her. After she had calmed down, I found her and apologized for making her cry, that I was only trying to help. She said it wasn’t me, that it was management, which to be fair, management is not always diplomatic in their approach, but we ended up hugging, (and you all know I HATE hugs – I have a bubble, remember?) and we’re good.

But here’s the thing – it exhausted me. It’s hard navigating young people nowadays. I feel like they get butt hurt so easily and of course, do NOT know how to emotionally handle constructive criticism. I mean, who does? It’s not easy swallowing a humble pill now and again – trust, I’ve swallowed my own bottle of humble pills in my decades of working life, but wow – her reaction was a bit over the top. I’m not trying to imply she’s a wimp and/or a cry baby, like I said, it’s hard to look someone in the eyes and admit you’re not “all that,” but I feel like it’s a good indication of where we are with our young people today. And that concerns me, quite frankly. No one is perfect, we all make mistakes, but you have to be mature and motivated enough to accept you made a mistake, that you’ll learn from that mistake and try very hard to not make that mistake again.

I know we talk about how young people today can’t emotionally handle anything remotely hard nowadays but I had a front row seat to just how bad it really is.

I’m concerned.

Apr 9: Made reservations for Ozark Outdoors in a few weeks. I love researching campgrounds. I’d like to stay at some state parks but a lot of them don’t come with a sewer option and though it’s not that big of a deal overall, Kevin and I can’t make it through the night without a pee, or two, (or three), so it’s definitely a consideration. We’re tossing some ideas around on how we can get around that, the biggest option, of course, is to get a small gray tank to push under our camper and dump every few days. We’ll see. I haven’t give up yet but for now, we’re sticking to private campgrounds until we can come up with a solution.

Apr 10: Today sucked. I took my week five quiz today for my class and bombed it – 74%. Are you kidding me right now?? WTH?!

Side note: I have two instructors for this class. Apparently, they got to talking and one felt like the other one was too strict in his grading and after talking it over, they re-evaluated the grading system and I ended up getting an 83% after it was all said and done. It was one of those quizzes where the multiple answers could really apply to more than one case scenario, which I can see would be harder to grade but at the same time, grading should be a bit more liberal given the multiple answers. Anyway, I was happy they re-evaluated because it made my grade go up.

I’m ready for this class to be over because it’s tough working on a class after working a full eight hour day – my brain is absolute mush. I see they are offering some extra credit at the end of the class and I fully intend to take advantage of that option to give my grade a boost.

Apr 12: One of the MA’s put her two weeks notice in. I knew she was teetering on the edge so I wasn’t surprised but *sigh* here we go again. Who knows how long it will take to hire someone and guess who they will ask to train this new person. Again, I’m flattered they have so much confidence in me but at the same time – IT’S A LOT OF WORK. Oh well, more overtime.

My garage door spring broke as I was leaving for work. I didn’t know it happened until Kevin text me later. He said it wouldn’t go all the way down. He thinks he can fix it. I can’t tell you the number of times I thank God he’s a fix-it-kind-of-guy. So thankful for him.

Apr 13: Found out by accident I was expected to cover another provider on Thursday. The revised schedule went out and I never really paid attention to it, (I have a bad habit of ignoring emails), because it doesn’t affect me, right? Only, this time it did. My manager didn’t bother to come to me to 1. ask if I could cover this provider, and 2. let me know that she put me on the schedule to cover a provider. Lack of communication drives me nuts. I don’t mind covering but I need to know! One, because it’s common courtesy to at least ASK me and Two, so I can manage my time. If I know my Thursday is going to be focused on a provider other than my normal provider, then I can make sure certain things are done ahead of time because I won’t have time to do it later.

Apr 15: My left shoulder KILLED me today. In fact, the palm of my left hand went numb. I can’t figure out if it’s my shoulder or my neck. And I can’t figure out WHY my shoulders are hurting to begin with. It must be something I’m eating, or maybe I’m taking too many vitamins. I need to research some exercises. Maybe it’s because I sit all day at a desk with my arms on the desk next to my keyboard. Maybe I just need to focus on stretching my arms more, surely holding them in on position for too long is not good for them.

I ended up sitting three different spots at work today. I don’t have a desk. I share a desk with another MA who has clinic on opposite days than me. I have clinics on Mondays/Wednesdays, she has clinic on Tuesdays/Thursdays. But on Fridays, there is no where for me to sit so I just have to sit wherever there’s a spot. Super annoying.

Apr 16: Class is finished! Turned in a bunch of documents – a compilation of the assignments over the past several weeks. It was a lot of work but not really that hard. Looks like the last week is a “dead” week so the instructors can grade our final work and we have a chance to submit an evaluation for the class. I have a few suggestions. 🙂

Apr 17: Easter! I woke up and hit the ground running. I did some last minute house cleaning and made some carrot cupcakes, (that no one ended up eating – oh well) and my parents came over for lunch. We had ham, scalloped potatoes, green beans, black-eye peas and rolls. Mom brought over a really yummy broccoli salad, carrot casserole, (SUPER GOOD), and deviled eggs. She also brought over a cookie cake. It was a great lunch and we had some great conversation. Love my family!

Apr 18: Kevin took the trailer for a test drive with the new truck. He said it pulled easier than the Ford 150, but not as easily as it pulled with the Ford 250. That’s fine. I’ll take it. He backed it into the yard so all we have to do is drive it out. Backing that thing stresses me out but we’re getting better working as a team. Can’t wait for the weekend!

Apr 19: Super frustrating day. It was one of those days when you take two steps forward and one step back. The hospital updated it’s mask mandate – if you’re vaccinated and around other vaccinated co-workers you can take it off but you have to put it back on when around patients. If you’re unvaccinated – TOO BAD – you have to continue wearing them all the time.

Bwhahaha – yeah, that’s not happening. I refused to be treated like a second-class citizen. So stupid.

Apr 20: We had a group lunch after clinic today – we brought all the fixings for tacos. It was a nice lunch and it was fun to relax and have some conversation without the stress of patients around. It felt like our old team dynamic again and it was really, really nice. I really do like the people I work closely with – they are good people. I hope I can continue working with them after the Fall. In the meantime, I want to continue making memories together. We need to take more pictures together. I’ve been taking pictures of our group over the years at various times, parties, etc., and turning them into magnets. They are stuck to the white board in our little break room and it’s fun to look back at all the incredible memories we’ve had together. I hope we can make more. We’ll see if the hospital honors my sincerely held beliefs!

Apr 21: I was supposed to be off work today but I opted to go ahead and work it. I wasn’t quite where I wanted to be as far as finishing my work and I didn’t want to leave a lot of unfinished stuff for my coverage while I was on vacation – I think that’s a bit rude. I got a lot done and I actually left at 3:00 PM. It was a nice, easy, catch up day.

I’m burning through my vacation time because who knows what will happen this Fall. Yes, they would pay me for any vacation time I didn’t take if I were to quit but why? Why not take that time off now and enjoy it while I can? I’m done working myself to the bone – it’s time to balance some of this hard work with some time off so I don’t get so burned out and snippy.

Apr 22 – 26 Camping at Ozark Outdoors! I’ll write more about this soon.

Apr 27: Still on vacation but now it’s a staycation. I didn’t really have any plans after we got back from camping so it’s nice to just relax and do what I want when I want. I found out my final grade in my class today: 89.81. I should be getting a certificate in the mail in the next six weeks or so. I also researched some resume templates. I don’t have a resume ready – yet. But it’s definitely on my list of things to do. I think the more prepared I am, the less shocking this will be if/when I have to put my notice in.

I really don’t want to put my notice in. You can read my final thoughts on the class here.

Apr 28: Shopped around for ideas for T for nurse’s week. It’s the second week of May. Otherwise, a pretty lazy, relaxed day of doing nothing. It was great.

Apr 30: Got my stamps from Studio Calico today and I LOVE them. I will definitely be buying more stamps from them in the future. I also put my May bullet journal spreads together. I love working on this bullet journal. It’s so fun and I think the boys will get a kick out of reading them when I kick the bucket.

I also spent a considerable amount of time researching state parks. Wow. The popular ones are already booked for the rest of the season!! Granted, we would be going over the weekend because we can’t really go during the week due to Kevin’s client that demands all of his attention during the week, but still. I really want to go Johnson’s Shut In. My sister-in-law raves about it and the pictures look incredible. It’s also one of the few parks that offers sewer but sewer is only available in a handful of spots so you can imagine, they go fast! So, I bit the bullet and reserved a spot for four days next April – as in 2023! But that will give us something to look forward to and I’m excited to camp there. I just hope it’s not too rainy. I would rather go to popular places in the off season because .. well, it’s just more relaxing without a lot of people around. But you do have to deal with the cold and wet during those times. That’s okay, we’ll make do.

Another nice thing about state parks – they are a lot cheaper than private campgrounds. Like half the price. If you live in Missouri, you can find out more about the state parks here. If you live outside of Missouri, here is a handy link to get you started.

Thanks for reading!