Category: Relationships

“We are as happy as we decide to be.” – Abraham Lincoln

This quote implies that we are in control of our happiness. I believe that is true.

Moral obligation might be pushing it a bit, but I think we do owe our fellow human beings a pleasant demeanor and a happy face, even if, scratch that, ESPECIALLY WHEN we least feel like it.

Happiness is a state of mind. We can DECIDE to be happy or DECIDE to be unhappy. It’s all in how you view the world around you.

Bad things happen to everyone.

EVERYONE.

Regardless of race, sex, or bank balance. The key to life is how you handle the bad situation. And it’s not fair to take our bad mood, or crappy circumstances, out on the people around us. I preach that lesson to my boys all the time. It’s not MY fault that you woke up on the wrong side of the bed – get over it. And I don’t care how grumpy you feel, force yourself to smile at people. And you want to know the weird part? If you force yourself to be happy, guess what happens.

YOU FEEL HAPPIER.

Don’t believe me? Try it.

I dare you.

Happiness is not about ME, it’s about making OTHER people happy. It’s about what I can do for other people, not what can people do for me. (Sound familiar?)

Happiness is not about being selfish. Though it’s important to find things that make us happy, it’s equally, if not more so, as important to help other people feel happy, too.

I’m not even sure calling it an “affair” is the correct term. Sure, it can turn into one, but I think the initial stage is more of a connection – an emotional connection with someone other than your spouse is a dangerous door to peek through.

This is my response to the following Momversation video, which, incidentally, you’ll have to click over to watch if you’re reading this via email or RSS feed. Sorry about that.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

“I’m his wife, not his life.”

That line probably ranks as one of my favorite top-ten sayings. It packs such a punch, don’t you think? And I would have agree. Kevin and I are close, but I wouldn’t presume that his world revolves around mine, nor mine his. He is free to do things with his band buddies, and I’m free to pursue my own interests.

Within reason, of course.

I tell him everything, whether he wants to hear it or not. I know that a lot of what I tell him, my thoughts, feelings, hunches, and mundane details of everyday living goes in one ear and out the other. I can tell when he’s not really paying attention and only humoring me and I’m generally okay with his lack of interest – after all, it IS boring and a lot of times I’m spewing just to get it off my chest or I’m trying to work something out in my own head.

I tell him everything because he’s all I have. I don’t have a close girlfriend to confide in and sometimes I just need to clear my head or it will explode. And that’s NEVER a pretty sight, let me assure you.

I tell him everything because he’s my best friend. So I guess I have trouble understanding why a woman wouldn’t WANT to tell her husband everything because I have a hard time understanding why a woman would marry a man she didn’t at least consider a close friend.

And I’m talking emotionally, not physically.

Hey, I get it. Men are not emotional creatures. I don’t expect them to be, I wouldn’t WANT them to be. I like my men to be MEN, thank you very much. (Which loosely translates into a male who is confident with himself, with his opinions and beliefs and who isn’t wishy-washy or squeamish).

However, women are very much emotional creatures. Women connect first and foremost via emotions, so when a man attempts to connect with her on an emotional level, then that relationship is taken to a whole new level.

Whether you’re married or not.

I think we need to differentiate between what you would tell a friend and what you would tell a lover. I really like what Maggie said about there being a difference between “emotional sustenance” and “having an affair.” Women crave emotional sustenance. It’s how we’re programmed. The key to opening up any woman is to tap into her emotional needs. And by that I mean, listening to her, making her feel special, respecting her opinions, being playful with her (without being too sexual, at least initially, men have to build that bridge before crossing it), making her feel sexy and beautiful THEN, and only after THEN, can a woman fully respond to sexual advances.

Just like with orgasms, women take a while to reach that heightened pleasure because it’s not about physically teasing her, (though that certainly HELPS), but rather about emotionally teasing her first.

So when a woman feels like she can connect with a man on an emotional level, she’s instantly attracted to that man (and not necessarily physically, but on a deeper, more intimate level – remember, it’s about emotions for women, not physical), she has to be very careful how far she allows the attraction to advance. Especially if she’s committed to another person because it’s soooo easy to fall into an emotional trap – especially if the woman’s emotional needs aren’t being met at home.

(Which is a lesson for you men out there – fill your woman’s emotional cup up and you’re pretty much good to go on every other level).

When you have an emotional affair with someone, you’re allowing yourself to value that person’s feelings more than your spouse’s feelings. You begin to think about that person more than you think about your spouse. You begin to pay attention to your appearance because now that that emotional abyss has been crossed, the next step is a physical validation. You know that special someone is attracted to you emotionally, now let’s see if they’re physically attracted to you. You have reserved a spot in your heart for that special “friend” and before long, there is no longer any room in your heart for your spouse.

Here is a pretty good definition from About.com:

An emotional affair can lead to a physical affair
An emotional affair begins with the exchange of personal information. As the people involved get acquainted, the information becomes more personal. Some argue that an emotional affair is harmless because it is more of a casual relationship than traditional cheating; however, the intimate nature of the communication, plus the emotional investment made by the people involved, places an emotional affair on the same level or worse as traditional cheating.

It is much more dangerous for a marriage should your spouse connect with someone emotionally than physically. Anyone who finds himself or herself drawn to another person on an emotional level should consider the possible consequences of such an affair. Emotional affairs are just as likely to lead to divorce and physical affairs.

The danger of an emotional affair
While it is healthy and normal for people to have friendships outside the marriage with men and women, an emotional affair threatens the emotional bond between spouses. Friendships are based on attraction, in that we are drawn to various qualities of our friends. Healthy friendships and attractions don’t need to threaten a marriage at all, but add richness and enjoyment to life. When an attraction turns into an obsession or into an affair, it can become harmful to everyone involved and nothing is more harmful to a marriage than the breakdown of the emotional bond marital partners have for each other.

It really boils down to respect. I respect Kevin too much to put me, or him, in an emotionally charged situation. Hence the biggest reason I haven’t “friended” any old boyfriends on Facebook. That’s just not a door I’m not willing to, nor should, open. Ever. I expect the same from him. Once you’ve opened yourself up to another person, then it’s just too easy to go down that same road again.

It’s better just to block off that road altogether.

Keep friendships with the opposite sex platonic. If it feels like it’s crossing the platonic line, then cut it off, no matter how painful it might be. Your spouse deserves the chance to fill the same void that “friend” was filling. And that can only happen if you open the lines of communication. TALK to your spouse. Seek marriage counseling if the two of you can’t bridge the communication gap. All marriages deserve at least one fighting chance.

Think you might be heading toward an emotional affair? Here are some warning signs then build a relationship with a foundation of friendship and trust.

Here’s a comment from the momversation page that addresses Rebecca’s “I’m his wife, not his life,” comment.

The way I see it is if one shares feelings, secrets, and precious thoughts with someone else either than their spouse then the marriage is in trouble to begin with. I would be heart broken if I found out my husband did not think that we were at that intimate level and had to find someone else to share it with.

I completely agree.

We all crave a deep, emotional bond with other human beings – whether it’s a platonic connection (close friends) or a deep emotional connection (a serious relationship). I would propose that if one is not getting that deep, emotional connection with one’s spouse, then there might be some underlying problems that deserve further attention. I don’t think willingly having emotionally “satisfying” relationships outside of the marriage is exactly a wise decision.

Yet another argument to slow down and choose your life partner carefully. If there isn’t an emotional connection to begin with, then maybe that’s not the relationship for you.

Just food for thought.

Follow @writefromkaren

I routinely keep track of two relationship blogs (and if you know of any others that you like, please pass on the links!); Marriage Gems and Project Happily Ever After. And often times, I will read something and think, “OH! I should blog about my own experience with that,” or, “OH! If only more people knew about that little relationship trick.”

So here we are.

I read “Eight Ways to Spring Clean Your Life & Relationships” and thought I’d share my thoughts and experiences with you on the eight things suggested:

1. Clear the air – this was specially hard to do when we were both younger. He would (and still does, to some extent) keep things bottled up so long that they began to fester and grow until finally, he would blow up at me over the stupidest thing. I would be incredulous over what he was upset about and I would chime in and the fight was ON.

I’ve learned to look below the surface of his annoyance and pinpoint the problem. I’ve also worked on him TALKING to me at the time he’s upset so that we can work on whatever it is that is bugging him. It’s not always easy to face (because it’s inevitably something I did, or didn’t do), but it’s easier to deal with it at that moment in time than opposed to later.

Now me? I don’t have a problem telling him what I’m thinking, feeling or if he did something to bug me. NO communication problems on my end, I assure you. (*grin*)

2. Make room for new commitments – This one is a toughie because it’s so easy to get stuck in the same old routine day in and day out. However, he’s recently opened his own office and I’ve been looking for a job, so things are pretty shaken up in our work lives. We also try and take one fun family vacation a year because it’s important to me to make new family memories. We’re going to Disney World and cruising to the Bahamas this year. We definitely make room in our lives for new commitments.

3. If you’ve been building up resentment, it’s time to dust it off and unload past hurts – Our marriage has definitely not been a bed of roses all of these years. We’ve done a lot to hurt each other – some of these things are pretty heavy duty and not for public consumption, but suffice it to say, it took us a LONG time to forgive each other for some of the things we did in the past. You just have to learn from the experience, take responsiblity and be grown ups about what happened and what you can do to prevent it from happening in the future.

4. Are there proverbial cobwebs around the marital bed? – This is probably his number one complaint about me. I’m not a very affectionate person. I’ve hurt him NUMEROUS times with my coldness. I know this. He accepts it. BUT I’ve been working on making that better. In other words, I’ve been working on ME. We compromise. And I just accept the fact that he’s a man and has certain needs. We’ve gone round and ROUND on this issue and though it still hasn’t been fully resolved, we’re better about this part of our relationship than we have been in the past.

5. Give thought to spiffing up your appearance – This one is so easy to lose track of. You get comfortable, you let yourself go … it adds up to low self-esteem and disinterest – in yourself and in your partner. I’m TOTALLY guilty of this one. I try to keep my weight under control (although I’m currently under a strict no chocolate/no pastry diet because I’ve gotten a little too carried away lately), but I’ll be the first to admit, I could do MUCH better on my wardrobe. I’ve been a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom for a number of years now and I pretty much LIVE in t-shirts and sweats.

Sexy, right?

Um, no.

When Kevin opened up his business office and asked me if I wanted to take over the other office to work on my websites, I think he did it primarily to get me out of sweats, because he was sick of seeing me in sweats all the time. Oh sure, I would dress up if we went out into public, but that wasn’t very often. He never said anything, but when I started dressing up to go into the office, he said, “It’s nice to see you out of sweats.”

So … yeah, it must have bothered him.

I’m working on this one. I’m working on trying to change my look a bit, and I’ve been buying slacks and have been looking for more dressy-type clothing. I just know how I would feel if Kevin walked around in sweats all day, every day and … yeah, it’s time to step up my hotness. *wink*

6. Clean and organize areas where you spend the most time – I sort of HAVE to work on this one because clutter makes Kevin one CRANKY man. In fact, that’s one of the things we’ve had to compromise on over the years. He comes from a family of neat freaks – and I mean that in the most loving way – and I don’t. My family is neat, don’t get me wrong, it’s just somewhere down the pipeline, I missed out on the neat gene.

I’m not neat, if I wasn’t clear on that.

That’s why Kevin is so good for me, and I him – we complement each other.

BUT, when we first got married, the man expected me to keep house like his mother did (does). Cleaning house is my mother-in-law’s hobby. Let me set the record straight – cleaning house is not something I look forward to OR enjoy. EVER. I do it because I don’t want to live in a pigsty. So when Kevin would come home from work and the house would be a mess and/or dinner wasn’t ready (because I had two small boys under my feet), he would get irritated, which would irritate me and a fight would be simmering just under the surface until one of us couldn’t take the tension anymore.

After one such blow out, we decided to compromise on the house cleaning thing – I asked him what absolutely drove him nuts and it was the kitchen. Now, I work to keep the kitchen clean (okay, livable) and he relaxes on the rest of the house.

Dude. You didn’t marry June Cleaver, stop trying to make me into June Cleaver. I will do my best but you have to adjust your expectations a bit. (Yes. I’ve actually said that to him before).

7. Check tarnished relationships – yes, yes and YES. Troublesome family members and/or old “friends” will drive a wedge between you if you allow them to. Sometimes it’s unintentional, but sometimes, it’s not. I’ve learned, from my own experiences, that some people just can’t stand it when others are happy. For whatever reasons, whether it’s their own unhappiness, or their own relationships that have gone sour, some people take great delight in trying to separate two good people.

That’s why Kevin and I have absolutely no desire to reconnect with old flames on Facebook. I’ve had an old boyfriend try to “friend” me several times on Facebook and each time, I just ignore him. It’s not that I’m not curious to hear how he’s doing, but I just don’t want to go down that road to find out. The road to old relationships is closed to me and to Kevin. It’s just not worth the potential problems it might cause.

We’ve been blessed with some pretty awesome families, so we haven’t had problems with family members trying to cause trouble, but I know there are a lot of people out there that DO have problems with family members, (and this includes children!!), and when it comes to your marriage, you just have to either work it out or snip it off. Harsh? Perhaps. But keeping a marriage strong requires commitment from both parties and that includes forming a strong alliance against potential trouble makers.

8. Keep it maintained – Marriage is a constant work in progress. You can’t work really hard on your marriage one day and then sit back and think, “I’m done! I have a good marriage!” It doesn’t work that way, unfortunately. Things change, people change, emotions vary, every day is a unique challenge and some days are harder than others.

But let me give you a piece of advice, from a veteran wife – it all starts with YOU. Change your attitude and your expectations first, and then go from there. Trust me. 🙂

Click over to Marriage Gems for many valuable links to some pretty awesome (and helpful) marriage information sites and ebooks.

UPDATE: Just read an interesting, raw and honest post about marriage. I love it when people self-analyze and are honest with themselves.

Let me let you in on a little secret – I dig relationships. Not just mine, but relationships in general. I’m fascinated with how people get along, what exactly makes one person attracted to another? What makes a marriage work and another one fail? Can you fall out of love? Or is that just an excuse to stop trying and/or adapting to relationship changes?

I’ve been married for 20 + years now. (My parents will have been married 46 years on Saturday!! Happy anniversary mom and dad!). Though I’m certainly not an expert, I think it’s safe to say, I have a little experience when it comes to this marriage gig.

I have strong opinions about marriage. In fact, I wrote a whole series of posts on relationships complete with tips on how to make your own relationship work as well as a pretty personal look at my own over the years. (You can always click on the “Love Dare” tab at the top of the page for these relationship posts).

Anyway, there are two relationship blogs that never fail to make me think: Project Happily Ever After and Marriage Gems.

There was an article on Marriage Gems that I found interesting: it’s called Manage Your Marriage Like a Business

Here’s a summary of the article’s points:

• 1. Know your customer. Stay in tune with your spouse’s changing needs, hopes, and concerns. If you’re not sure what they are, ask.
• 2. Earn their business every day. Just as you would impress clients with attention and treat them with respect, do the same for your partner.
• 3. Don’t make excuses. Customers (and spouses) want solutions, not excuses. When you make a mistake, acknowledge your error, and then fix it.
• 4. Work on a win-win strategy. Regularly ask your spouse, “What can I do to help you be successful?” Then follow through with what they need. Use your planning skills to balance the family’s needs, for example if one spouses is putting their career on hold to raise children.
• 5. Mix business with pleasure. “We seldom give our spouses the rewarding experiences we give our best customers. Find ways to inject new life into your relationship via activities that have no purpose other than to say, ‘You matter.’”

Would you agree with this assessment? Overall, yes, I would.

I’ve often thought people treated their co-workers/constituents nicer than their spouses. I’ve seen, first hand, how my boss would be super nice to his clients and then just treat his wife like dirt. I’m sure he was tired and taking his frustrations out on her, but I’m also sure that was wrong of him to do.

I’ve also seen spouses treat each other like they were their employee instead of their partners.

We put a lot of energy and thought into our careers, it’s always puzzled me why people don’t put that much energy or thought into their relationships. Yes. It’s work. Yes, it’s HARD work. Yes, one must be willing to admit he/she is wrong and be willing to swallow a humility pill now and again, but the rewards are worth the effort.

To achieve measurable results, simply transfer to your home life the skills you’ve acquired to succeed in your career. You can build or rebuild a strong family dynamic the same way you built your company—with great customer service.

I really don’t care what people think about me.

Well, I care, but mostly I don’t.

Let me rephrase that: I care to a point.

After that? *shrug* Meh.

I mean, it bothers me when loved ones are upset with me, the closer to my heart they are, the more it tears me up. But I think we all have to reach a point where we say, “Enough.” A heart can only take so much.

I’ve had this conversation with both of my boys.

The “being TOO nice” conversation.

My boys are gentle creatures. I have no idea what I’ve done to turn them into such creatures but I thank God that whatever happened, happened. (Too bad I’m not smart enough to know what that was).

And they’re nice. They’re nice to everyone. They are loathe to hurt anyone’s feelings.

On the surface, this is a good thing. Truly. But there are times it’s not such a good thing.

Dude will agree to do something simply because he thinks disagreeing will hurt the person’s feelings. Or, Dude will search for the answer you want to hear because he doesn’t want to disappoint you.

Jazz will defend underdogs because he feels sorry for them. Even if defending the person puts him in the cross hairs, even if his stepping in means other kids will make fun of him, then so be it. I can’t tell you the number of times Jazz has come home to tell me about how some kid was being bullied and he swooped in to save the day. Or, the times he’s gotten upset because a “friend” suddenly began giving him the cold shoulder.

Life lessons are so hard to learn. And even harder to teach, I think.

In a nutshell, I’ve taught my boys that though it’s great to be nice, that you should always give nice a chance first, sometimes you have to stop being nice.

It’s human nature to take advantage of other people. I mean, if we’re constantly given something and then given the option of working for it, which option do you think the majority of people will choose?

If you’re continuously nice to people and expect very little, if anything in return, then most of the time, those same people will continue to take advantage of your good nature. They will suck you dry. And most won’t think twice about it.

There has to come a time when you have to put your foot down and say NO MORE.

You can do it nicely, you can do it tactfully, but ultimately, you have to do it. You only have so much to give before your reserves are tapped out and if your generosity, your willingness to understand and be patient is draining so much life out of you so that you don’t have the time, energy, or wherewithal to live your own life and take care of the people who depend on you, then it’s time to cut the dependency ties.

The challenge, of course, is knowing WHEN to do that.

And that’s what I’ve tried to teach the boys. Knowing when to stop being so nice (and by that, I don’t necessarily mean start being mean but to know when it’s time to move on) is hard. There is no cut and dried answer. It depends. It depends on the person, the situation, the circumstance. It depends on how much you’re emotionally invested in the person (though again, be careful, loved ones can sometimes be the worse when it comes to taking advantage of your good nature).

But I’ve seen too many people, I’ve heard too many sad stories from people I’ve worked with, about how they’re so tired of being taken advantage of and yet, they continue their behavior and continue to be taken advantage of. At some point, the cycle has to end, doesn’t it?

Most people are great and getting to know them can be a huge reward, but then there are some people who are poison to your mental health and to your quality of life in general.

The challenge is being honest enough with yourself to first SEE it, and then having the strength to do something about it.

Move on and concentrate your energies on the people in your life who love and respect you.

Not everyone will like you. And that’s okay.

May was our anniversary month.

Kevin and I have been married for 20 years now.

Twenty. Years.

But we didn’t get to do anything exciting for our anniversary for a number of reasons:

1. He was involved in motor cycle accident and he was physically unable to leave the house.

2. We redid our kitchen in March, which we agreed would be part of our gift to each other.

3. We planned a family vacation (which we’ll be taking in a few weeks) back in January and again, agreed that it would be part of our gift to each other.

Anyway …

I saw this video on Dr. Laura’s YouTube channel and thought it would be a fun, and cute, segway to a recap post for the 10-day Love Dare “workshop” I hosted last year in May. (What can I say – May equals LOVE for me).

(By the way, NEVER stop flirting. Seriously. It’s fun and puts a creative and exciting spark in your marriage).

In case you’re just tuning in, the 10-day Love Dare challenge was all about DARING YOU to make your marriage stronger. I personally believe that too many people (mainly women) have been brainwashed into believing that marriage is all about THEM and about what THEY want and need from a relationship when in fact, it’s not.

At all.

It’s about co-existing with another human being and learning to adapt and change to various circumstances over the years. It’s about training yourself to LIVE love, not just FEEL love.

Can you honestly say you’re the same person you were when you got married? Can you honestly say your spouse is?

I’m betting – no.

Anyway, if you’re interested in reading more about the challenge, and my experiences with the challenge, you can click on the links below.

Beginning
Love is patient: Day One
Love is kind: Day Two
Love is not selfish: Day Three
Love is thoughtful: Day Four
Love is not rude: Day Five
Love believes the best: Day Six
Love is not jealous: Day Seven
Love fights fair: Day Eight
Love takes delight: Day Nine
Love vs. lust: Day Ten

It was a lot of work writing all of that, and it’s even more work LIVING it. Having a perfect marriage is not realistic, but a happy marriage is certainly possible – and it all starts with YOU.

I would like to continue this “series” by offering up advice and stories from my own marriage. Though our marriage is FAR FROM PERFECT, we’re happy, because we both made a conscious effort to work at it. Being happily married is simply not handed to you, it’s a lot of work, from BOTH sides and it’s a two-way street – there are no one-way streets in a HAPPY marriage.

Anyway, I thought this might be a good place to start this whole relationship series of posts and I hope that by reading about my experiences or listening to my own personal advice, it inspires you to keep working toward improving your own marriage.

Good luck and thanks for reading.