What has been the main cause(s) for feelings of happiness throughout your life?
My main cause of happiness has been my independence. For marrying a man who respected my need to be independent. He has given me space and I’ve taken it – ten fold. I often think about what a miracle it is that Kevin stayed with me. I haven’t always been the easiest person to love or live with. I know this about myself. Part of my being difficult was the fact that I was, still am, FIERCELY independent. No one will tell me what to do. Period.
But maintaining my independence makes up so much of what makes me, me. I pride myself on being my own person, for having a brain that I’m not afraid to use and I own the decisions I make – good and bad. My independence has gotten me into trouble, at times, but overall, I’m proud that I didn’t lose that critical part of my personality.
I know as women, and men as well, we often lose portions of ourselves when we get married, have children, find careers. We become someone’s wife, someone’s mother, someone’s employee, or employer … we tend to lose the essence of who we are amongst all of these other identities.
There was a time I lost my essence but luckily, I found her after much searching.
I also choose to be happy. I think that’s a critical component of a happy life. No one lives to make us happy, we have to choose to be happy and be grateful for every day that we wake up.
Make a chronological list with the moments that made you who you are today when it comes to love and relationships.
I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to love and relationships – just your average Jane, I suppose. Nothing like girls nowadays, bragging about body counts and multiple baby daddies – or maybe I’ve seen too many TikToks but here is a brief timeline of MY experience:
1981 – Broke a boy’s heart
A guy I had a lot of classes with had a crush on me. I knew this but I never acted upon it. I just wasn’t into him. We remained friends throughout High School but it was awkward and I felt bad that I couldn’t return his feelings because he was, still is, a great guy. (We don’t talk – I’ve just seen him around on Facebook – or I did – back in the days I had Facebook, I’m not on that platform anymore.
What did I learn? To be humble and sensitive to other guys’ feelings.
1983 – Student Stage Manager in Drama Class
Crushed on a popular guy in our Drama class – he was the lead actor in several of our school plays. He didn’t give me the time of day so it was a long-distance crush.
What did I learn? That I’m not everyone’s cup o’ tea and that it was okay to just be me – to not change my personality because I thought that was what a guy wanted.
1985 – My First Boyfriend
Or at least, I think he was my first boyfriend. Actually, he was my ONLY boyfriend, now that I think about it. He was a player, though. He was one of these super popular guys that cruised a popular strip in our city, because that’s what the kids did back then – it was the 80’s. And all the girls were ga-ga over him. So I was super flattered that he “picked” me but looking back, he really only picked me because something better hadn’t come along. When someone better came along, he dumped me.
What did I learn? To guard my heart. I was heart broken over that “relationship” and I built some pretty thick walls, that remain to this day, not even Kevin has tore them down, because I will NEVER be that hurt again. Period. End of story.
1990 – Got Married
Kevin and I met through at work. We worked together and he wore me down. I had no intention of ever getting married but … well, the heart wants what it wants.
What did I learn? To stop being such a cold fish and open myself up to another person. It was really hard and I still struggle with that to this day, but I’m definitely softer than I used to be. It’s a wonder Kevin wanted me at all!
1992 – Our first son was born
The love I felt in my heart for our tiny, pre-mature son, (he was born eight weeks early – no explanation – my water broke), was nothing I had ever experienced before. Mama bear was born.
What did I learn? That it’s not only possible to love outside yourself and spouse but that it’s a love so large it impossible to contain – it OVERFLOWS when you have children.
1995 – Our second son was born
Just when I didn’t think it was possible to fill my love cup anymore, along comes our second son. He was born right on time, was over eight pounds and had some STRONG lungs.
What did I learn? That a human’s ability to love knows no boundaries. It also cracked a few of those walls I built around my heart.
1997 – Trouble in Paradise
This is probably something that Kevin would prefer I not talk about but let’s keep it real – we had some MAJOR marital problems seven years into our marriage. It really just boiled down to growing pains. We were becoming different people and we were having trouble adjusting to those changes. He was being a jerk and I was being a b*tch and we were both stubborn enough to not listen, really LISTEN, to one another. We toyed with the idea of speaking to marriage counselor but in the end, we both agreed that we were two intelligent adults and we could work this out. And we did. It was rough going for a bit but we persevered and our marriage ended up being stronger for the struggle.
What did I learn? Humility. Patience. And to think outside of myself. Stop being so selfish and unrelenting. I learned how to compromise and give more of myself without losing myself. We both did a lot of growing up in that time period. It was necessary to our journey but 0/10, would not recommend.
Of course, there are A LOT of holes in this timeline but they are not experiences I wish to put out into the Ethernet but these were pretty pivotal moments in my life. These experiences, and more, really molded and shaped me into the person I am today. Love is always growing and changing and the challenge is to grow and change with it.
Pick a worry you have in your life right now. Now write down one or two ways to look at it with humor.
Humor is my defense. I would rather laugh than cry. And honestly, most things are not that serious, not really.
I worry about our boys, my mom, Kevin’s parents, money, my job … the normal stuff but there is a time and place for humor. I use humor a lot to deflect from my own feelings – I compartmentalize and tend to shut doors on strong emotions. I will open those doors and re-evaluate when I’m ready.
I have a tendency to crack jokes a lot. I seem to have a knack for one liners and zingers – at least, that’s what they told me at work – when I was working with people. Humor tends to distract people and it certainly diffuses situations. Even if you can make people crack a smile, it helps de-escalate events.
Your turn!
Write From Karen 