I really don’t care what people think about me.

Well, I care, but mostly I don’t.

Let me rephrase that: I care to a point.

After that? *shrug* Meh.

I mean, it bothers me when loved ones are upset with me, the closer to my heart they are, the more it tears me up. But I think we all have to reach a point where we say, “Enough.” A heart can only take so much.

I’ve had this conversation with both of my boys.

The “being TOO nice” conversation.

My boys are gentle creatures. I have no idea what I’ve done to turn them into such creatures but I thank God that whatever happened, happened. (Too bad I’m not smart enough to know what that was).

And they’re nice. They’re nice to everyone. They are loathe to hurt anyone’s feelings.

On the surface, this is a good thing. Truly. But there are times it’s not such a good thing.

Dude will agree to do something simply because he thinks disagreeing will hurt the person’s feelings. Or, Dude will search for the answer you want to hear because he doesn’t want to disappoint you.

Jazz will defend underdogs because he feels sorry for them. Even if defending the person puts him in the cross hairs, even if his stepping in means other kids will make fun of him, then so be it. I can’t tell you the number of times Jazz has come home to tell me about how some kid was being bullied and he swooped in to save the day. Or, the times he’s gotten upset because a “friend” suddenly began giving him the cold shoulder.

Life lessons are so hard to learn. And even harder to teach, I think.

In a nutshell, I’ve taught my boys that though it’s great to be nice, that you should always give nice a chance first, sometimes you have to stop being nice.

It’s human nature to take advantage of other people. I mean, if we’re constantly given something and then given the option of working for it, which option do you think the majority of people will choose?

If you’re continuously nice to people and expect very little, if anything in return, then most of the time, those same people will continue to take advantage of your good nature. They will suck you dry. And most won’t think twice about it.

There has to come a time when you have to put your foot down and say NO MORE.

You can do it nicely, you can do it tactfully, but ultimately, you have to do it. You only have so much to give before your reserves are tapped out and if your generosity, your willingness to understand and be patient is draining so much life out of you so that you don’t have the time, energy, or wherewithal to live your own life and take care of the people who depend on you, then it’s time to cut the dependency ties.

The challenge, of course, is knowing WHEN to do that.

And that’s what I’ve tried to teach the boys. Knowing when to stop being so nice (and by that, I don’t necessarily mean start being mean but to know when it’s time to move on) is hard. There is no cut and dried answer. It depends. It depends on the person, the situation, the circumstance. It depends on how much you’re emotionally invested in the person (though again, be careful, loved ones can sometimes be the worse when it comes to taking advantage of your good nature).

But I’ve seen too many people, I’ve heard too many sad stories from people I’ve worked with, about how they’re so tired of being taken advantage of and yet, they continue their behavior and continue to be taken advantage of. At some point, the cycle has to end, doesn’t it?

Most people are great and getting to know them can be a huge reward, but then there are some people who are poison to your mental health and to your quality of life in general.

The challenge is being honest enough with yourself to first SEE it, and then having the strength to do something about it.

Move on and concentrate your energies on the people in your life who love and respect you.

Not everyone will like you. And that’s okay.

May was our anniversary month.

Kevin and I have been married for 20 years now.

Twenty. Years.

But we didn’t get to do anything exciting for our anniversary for a number of reasons:

1. He was involved in motor cycle accident and he was physically unable to leave the house.

2. We redid our kitchen in March, which we agreed would be part of our gift to each other.

3. We planned a family vacation (which we’ll be taking in a few weeks) back in January and again, agreed that it would be part of our gift to each other.

Anyway …

I saw this video on Dr. Laura’s YouTube channel and thought it would be a fun, and cute, segway to a recap post for the 10-day Love Dare “workshop” I hosted last year in May. (What can I say – May equals LOVE for me).

(By the way, NEVER stop flirting. Seriously. It’s fun and puts a creative and exciting spark in your marriage).

In case you’re just tuning in, the 10-day Love Dare challenge was all about DARING YOU to make your marriage stronger. I personally believe that too many people (mainly women) have been brainwashed into believing that marriage is all about THEM and about what THEY want and need from a relationship when in fact, it’s not.

At all.

It’s about co-existing with another human being and learning to adapt and change to various circumstances over the years. It’s about training yourself to LIVE love, not just FEEL love.

Can you honestly say you’re the same person you were when you got married? Can you honestly say your spouse is?

I’m betting – no.

Anyway, if you’re interested in reading more about the challenge, and my experiences with the challenge, you can click on the links below.

Beginning
Love is patient: Day One
Love is kind: Day Two
Love is not selfish: Day Three
Love is thoughtful: Day Four
Love is not rude: Day Five
Love believes the best: Day Six
Love is not jealous: Day Seven
Love fights fair: Day Eight
Love takes delight: Day Nine
Love vs. lust: Day Ten

It was a lot of work writing all of that, and it’s even more work LIVING it. Having a perfect marriage is not realistic, but a happy marriage is certainly possible – and it all starts with YOU.

I would like to continue this “series” by offering up advice and stories from my own marriage. Though our marriage is FAR FROM PERFECT, we’re happy, because we both made a conscious effort to work at it. Being happily married is simply not handed to you, it’s a lot of work, from BOTH sides and it’s a two-way street – there are no one-way streets in a HAPPY marriage.

Anyway, I thought this might be a good place to start this whole relationship series of posts and I hope that by reading about my experiences or listening to my own personal advice, it inspires you to keep working toward improving your own marriage.

Good luck and thanks for reading.

Anger is my primary emotion.

I use it when I’m sad.

I use it when I’m nervous.

I use it when I feel guilty, hurt or scared.

I pretty much tap my anger well all the time – unfortunately, I appear to have an endless supply of it.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not an angry person, I just use anger as my shield to other, less happy emotions.

I honestly don’t know why I’m like this. Even though I’ve had YEARS to self-analyze myself, I still do not have a concrete answer as to why my initial reaction to anything (even when I’ve been surprised, in a GOOD way) is anger. All I know is that is how I react.

It’s like my buffer zone to deeper issues and feelings. Once I get past the anger, only THEN do I really feel ready to face whatever it is I need to face.

Take this morning for instance.

Kevin had a gig last night. He didn’t get home until 2:00 in the morning.

Dude is taking his ACT test today. (Actually, he’s at the test center now).

I was sitting at my computer, catching up on some blogs, waiting to wake Dude up so he could start getting ready for his test when Kevin walked in.

The man got home at 2:00 this morning. When he walked in, it wasn’t quite 6:00 a.m.

My first reaction? Anger.

“What are you doing up?”

“Do you want me to take Dude to his test?”

“What are you doing up? You need to go back to sleep. There is no way you got enough sleep.”

This, of course, doesn’t adequately relay the sarcasm that dripped with each syllable.

Kevin was hurt. I could see it in his eyes. He turned around and went back to bed.

And as soon as he disappeared, the GUILT and REMORSE set in.

*SIGH* Why do I react like that? WHY??

After sitting here and breaking down exactly why I reacted that way, here is what I’ve come up with:

I’m nervous for Dude. I want him to do well. I’m hoping that by being nervous FOR him, he won’t be as nervous.

I know. That doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.

I’m worried. Kevin doesn’t sleep very well under ideal conditions let alone when something is going on. I worry that he’s not getting enough sleep, that he’s not taking care of himself. My life would crumble, evaporate, if anything were to happen to him.

And no, I’m not saying that to be all flowery and romantic, I honest to God mean that. I’ve allowed myself to REALLY love him – he is so much a part of me now that I can not imagine my life without him. I’m pretty sure I would end up being one of those widows who died of a broken heart if anything were to happen to him. The man’s not getting any younger. He needs to take care of himself.

I’m tired. I only got six hours of sleep (totally my fault – I didn’t have to stay up until midnight and watch Hannity) so my patience is thin to begin with. No excuse, but a reason.

I’m also tired of having to push-push-push Dude into doing anything. Once, just once, I wish the boy would act excited about SOMETHING other than video/computer games. This is his future, for crying out loud. I realize he’s only 17. He’s still only a kid. And I treat him like a kid so it’s partly my fault. But I wish he would surprise me. I wish he would take the initiative for once and wake ME up once in a while because he’s ready to do … whatever. I want him to be a grown up – yet I don’t.

Let’s add confused to my mix of emotions this morning.

I went in and apologized to Kevin. I gave him a kiss and softly told him to go back to sleep, that I had everything under control. I honestly want him to rest – the man doesn’t get enough rest because 1. he’s been programmed from an early age that sleeping in, resting, relaxing is a no-no, one must be productive at all times and 2. he doesn’t sleep well – ever. So he’s exhausted before he even starts his day. He can’t possibly maintain that pace forever.

It just occurred to me that maybe that’s why I’m so controlling. Because if I control my external world, that that helps me control my internal world. My emotions are in check because I have the control.

This control thing really is an issue.

I realize now, after taking a moment to step back and think about it, that Kevin got up and offered to take Dude not because he expected me to suddenly sag and say, “Okay. That would be great,” (as if), but because that was his way of trying to get involved with what was going on with Dude. He was trying to be a part of what was happening.

We have had a pretty traditional family setting all these years. I’ve taken complete control over caring for the boys and being an integral part of their lives. My life has pretty much been centered on me and the boys thereby giving Kevin time to focus all of his energies and thoughts on his work. He’s never had to worry about the boys, he’s never had to go get them in the middle of the day, he’s never had to directly deal with any problems that have come up with them over the years.

And that has worked for us. Given my personality there was honestly no other way. I had to be involved with the boys at every level because 1. I wanted to. I love them and can’t imagine NOT caring for them and 2. I simply couldn’t relinquish the control necessary for someone else to do the job.

This is no way means that Kevin has ignored the boys over the years – quite the opposite. He’s been (and is) a phenomenal dad. Hands on, always there if they need him. He tells them he loves them every night and he teaches them … man things – things that I am not equipped, nor capable of, teaching them myself.

It’s just that I’ve always been the one to make sure they get to school every day and on time. That any extra curricular stuff is taken care of – like this ACT test today. I helped him prepare last night. I made sure he had everything he needed this morning. I made sure he was up and had breakfast before I dropped him off. (He could have drove, but he didn’t want to. I think he wanted the moral support).

So I “get” why Kevin rolled out of bed after only five hours to ask me if I wanted him to take him to his test today – he wanted to feel like he was part of Dude’s life.

I get that NOW. Unfortunately, my anger shield shot up before I could stop it and I handled the situation badly.

Again.

Anger is my go-to emotion, I guess. It’s always the first thing I feel and react to under any given situation. I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I was more loving and patient. But I’m not. I’m working on it, but it’s not who I am, but what I want to be.

The only time anger is beneficial for me, I think, is when there is an emergency: I’m great in emergency situations. That anger helps me stay focused on what needs to be done and done quickly. I can react to what happened later.

But on the whole, I wish anger wasn’t my initial reaction to things. More often than not, it makes the situation worse and then I feel worse after the anger wears off.

I should just have “I’m Sorry” tattooed to my forehead – it would make life a whole lot easier.

I’d like to think I’m a good wife. I mean, I cook, I clean, I laugh, I joke, I … erhm, do other stuff.

And I support my husband.

Even when he goes and does something crazy like buy a set of big-honkin’ lights like these puppies:

I can’t tell you how many times Kevin has apologized for buying these lights.

And I wish he wouldn’t.

Yes. They were expensive. Yes. He sold his dirt bike in order to pay for them. Yes. Our bills are caught up. Yes. We have food to eat.

We’re okay.

Besides, it was his money, his bike and this kind of thing? Makes him happy.

And if he’s happy, believe me, I’m happy.

I know what you’re thinking.

“But Karen. You’re a team. You’re partners. It’s not really his money, it’s your money, together.”

And yes, you would be correct. And Kevin certainly ran this purchase by me before he actually went ahead and went through with it. (Not like the time I came home from work only to find a HUGE canoe hanging from the garage ceiling. Oh yes, yes he did. I’ll never let you live THAT one down, honey. In fact …

Oh look! We still have it).

But here’s the thing. Kevin works really, really hard for his money. And he takes excellent care of us. He always puts our needs first, period. So when the man really wants something, and we can afford it, I’m not going to stand in his way.

He deserves to pamper himself.

At times. Let’s not get carried away here.

But seriously. He never says a word when I get a package from Amazon and add yet more books to my 300 plus pile (which are now for sale in my Amazon book store, by the way).

He never says a word whenever I go out and spend $70 bucks to get my hair colored and cut. (Yes. Seventy. And that’s cheap! At least, according to some of you!)

He never says a word whenever I buy … well, come to think of it, I don’t buy a whole lot, actually. But you get my drift.

These lights? Make him happy. And he’s excited to use them the next time he plays with his band – Midnite Thunder. Music makes him happy. It relaxes him. It energizes him. It charges up his batteries because let’s face it, accounting is BORING. (Well, I’m assuming. It sounds boring. It looks boring. Actually, it looks like a foreign language to me, but we all know I’m an idiot so …)

I have supported him through numerous guitars. And various guitar accessories. I have physically supported him by being there when he plays and by being one of his groupies.

(Did I tell you guys about the time I coaxed him out on the dance floor with me, while he was playing?? His guitar was hooked up wirelessly and I couldn’t believe he actually got out on the dance floor and boogied down with me while playing. That was so fun).

I have even supported him through this crazy, expensive light fetish thing that he has going on right now. (Seriously. Did you COUNT how many lights there were? Eight. And they’re huge. As in blinding huge. And this is in addition to the two sets of lights he recently bought.

The man clearly has a fetish).

All this to say, I honestly don’t mind and though I love to tease him, the man deserves to buy his lights if he wants to.

Of course now, he owes me, but I won’t bring that up now. *grin*

Hi.

My name is Karen.

And I’m married to a musician.

Who likes lights.

And I’m okay with that.

Because I love him.

And I support him.

(As long as it doesn’t get too crazy. Like wanting a Corvette or … wait. What? You want a Corvette when you get another job?

Welllllll, I suppose that’s better than wanting trade me in for a younger woman. Don’t say it. Don’t even say it).